Anti-depressant Chaos

Progression

2012-02-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

I know nobody will ever read this in all its entirety. Maybe a couple souls will stumble upon bits and pieces of it but I not a single person will ever know everything I went though. And honestly, I think I prefer it. Trying to put the last several years into words is the hardest thing to do because there isn't a single word I could write or sentence I can put together that will ever convey the depths of pain and the heights of joy that I experienced. Just reading one of this "chapters" would be enough to show anyone that I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not in any way a writer. I just have a story that I need to tell for my own sake. It needs to be out there so that it will no longer be in me.

Progression

It was nightly video chatting, then nightly video chatting and daily phone calls, then nightly video chatting, daily phone calls, and constant text messaging. Then we hit a sort of plateau. We were both anxious for more. More contact. More real. So then we decided that we had to meet in person. The perfect idea sprang into my head.

A week later I told my parents that I had won a radio contest and got free tickets to a concert. I assured them that I wasn't going alone and that I would take my new friend "Madeline" with me since she was such a huge fan of the band.

They were so trusting. It hurt me to see them look so happy for me as I told them all the lies. Mom and dad, never in a million years would they have guessed the truth.

I must have spend three hours, at least, making myself look better, hotter, older.

Luckily it was already dark outside when it was time for "Madeline" to come pick me up, so my parents wouldn't be able to look outside and see who was driving the black Corolla sitting in the driveway.

Sitting on my bed, I heard a honk come from the driveway. Take deep breaths. Relax. This night will be amazing and everything will be fine. I stood up and went outside. The passenger door was unlocked so I opened it and sat down, putting on my seat belt and adjusting myself and my seat. I took another deep breath.

Hello.

compose yourself.

I looked up and smiled, still unable to process everything that was happening. And to make things worse, he looked amazing.

Suddenly a fear seized me. What if it was horribly awkward and we had nothing to talk about and this was just a train wreck? Oh God.

One of his many talents is avoiding the awkward and always having a good time. This can be a negative and a positive. But in this situation it was a god send.

After about an hour we were at the venue. We were running late and the show had already started. Grabbing my hand, he ran to get to our seats.

Front. Fucking. Row.

I'd never in the front row for anything in my entire life. It was amazing. Not only can you see the band, but they can see you.

I was having the most wonderful night of my life with a fantastic guy. Everything was perfect.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the ride back to my house. He shook my arm gently to wake me up once we were there.

"Thanks for tonight" he said smiling.

"No, thank you. This was the best night of my life!" I whispered, sitting up.

He leaned in. I think he wants a kiss. Oh sweet jesus.

"Good night" I said quickly, getting out of the car and going into my house. As soon as I closed the front door behind me, I leaned against it and sank to the floor.

What just happened? What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck.

I looked up to see the headlights flash across the wall as he pulled out of the drive way and drive away.

Fuck.

Okay, that's all I can write for today.

- Sabrina

Fuck it.

2012-01-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

I'm going to finish telling my story. I won't get through it in one post but i'm dedicated to getting this off my chest. It's been on my shoulders alone for the past six and a half years and I'm finally to a point where I realize how important it is for me to get this out there before I can move on. I put a reminder on my phone that will go off on ce a week to remind me to add a good chapter more to the story.

so this is how it happened. From the beggining.

Sitting in my bedroom, I was listening to a CD my friend Stacia had given me. So nobody band, but I liked there stuff. It was probably the tenth time I had listened to it that day when I decided to check out their myspace page [author's note: yes, myspace, that's how long ago this happened]. The page said someone from the band was currently online so I submitted some comment about how much I liked their music and how I would love to maybe see them in concert some time, but I wasn't really expecting an answer. I was probably on a different web page several minutes later when I got a message back. The lead singer how written a reply and had asked me how I had heard of them. I replied that my friend had heard of them in connection with one of her favorite bands. He asked what kind of music I listened to. We kept up this back and forth for almost four hours when he asked if we could chat via webcam. Rushing to go make myself look presentable, I came back and said that I would. It was really awkward at first but after the first fifteen minutes the conversation finally began to have a smooth flow. Then he asked the big question: "how old are you?"

I panicked and lied, "17, almost 18." I had only recently turned 15.

"You look awfully young to almost be 18"

"how old are you?"

"23"

It was silent for a moment.

"So what do you for fun in southern California?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

The conversation went back to normal.

The video chat went on for another half hour until I was exhausted and had to head to bed.

"well goodnight, James"

"hey, can we video chat tomorrow night?" he asked, looking down.

"um, sure" I said, not really sure if I should.

He brightened. "cool, goodnight."

And that's how it all started to go wrong.

We video chatted the next night, and the next, and the next...

I have to go to french class now. But I think I've given the best introduction that I could. Yes, I was only 15 and the time and he was actually 27. He lied too. My story isn't for the faint of heart. I am telling you ahead of time that if you cannot handle the age gap, you should not continue to read my story as I lay it out. But it ends well for both parties. James (all names have been changed for the sake of privacy) is off somewhere enjoying life and I'm currently pursuing my college education, majoring in economics and minoring in business. I know I just ruined how it ends, but I highly suggest you continue reading. It'll be worth it.

As always, please give feedback :)

Au revoir

- Sabrina

I swear it

2011-08-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

I promise to start posting regularly again. Mainly because I need this outlet again.

I have a lot to say since my last update but I thought I would do something that I promised a while back- give ya'll another excerpt from my story. Yes, this is the story of my downfall but then rise back into self-confidence and all that other feminist bullshit. This is just a chapter or two before the story gets really dark. I changed the name of the clothing design company for obvious reasons, but other then that, everything else is accurate to the best of my memory.

It was a little after one in the afternoon as I stared at my phone as it vibrated. The caller I.D. read his name. Answer and have to follow through on my deal? Not answer and have to face consequences worse than I could imagine?

“Hello?” I answered softly, my parents were awake in the room across the hall from mine.

“You need to come get fitted for the dress that you’ll be wearing tonight.” He said quickly

“dress? Wait, tonight? That’s very short notice…” I said confused

“A car will be there to pick you up at two o’clock” he said and then he hung up.

“fuck.”

I sat up on my bed… what have I gotten myself into? Getting out of bed, I made my way to the living room and told my parents that I was going to hang out with my friend Anna today and that she would be picking me up in an hour. I felt a pang of guilt as I lied to them but I know its in their best interest if I kept the truth to myself. Quickly, I got ready for what was coming.

On the dot, my phone vibrated. A new text message read “your car is waiting.”

I put on my best fake smile and made my way out of the house, reminding my parents that Anna was picking me up and that I was going to spend the night at her house and I would return home the following day. There was a black limo waiting for me down the block. Really? A limo? He couldn’t send anything less… obvious? I slowly made my way to the limo and got in. There was no one else in there as I got in. The limo started moving as soon as I shut the door. The divider between the back and the driver was up, I couldn’t see where we were going. I had a bit of an anxiety attack but eventually I laid down and drifted off to sleep as tears rolled down my eyes.

“Ma’am” came a voice as I felt someone gently shaking me.

“what?” I said as I opened my eyes to see a young man, probably in his early twenties, standing outside the limo.

“we’re here” he said helping me out of the limo.

“and where is here?” I asked, more of a rhetorical question but he answered me anyways.

He looked away from me.

"I guess you're not allowed to tell me."

He shifted uncomfortable before saying "your dress appointment is upstairs in suite 302”

I thanked him and made my way into the building. Trying to clean up my tear stained face as I made my way up three flights of stairs. I found the room quickly and read the name on the wall next to the door:

Freedom Fashions

“Freedom… that has a bit of an ironic taste to it…” I thought to myself. I opened the door and was met by a perky blonde receptionist behind a circular desk. I told her my name and she showed me through the door next to the desk, down a hallway and into a door on the left. She asked me to take off my clothes except for my undergarments. I nodded as she left me alone in the room and then looked around the well lit room. Pictures of flowers hung on the salmon colored walls, an overstuffed green couch against one wall, a sewing machine and a huge bookshelf holding different fabrics against the opposite wall and a large window on the wall across from the door. There was a dress form, a few stools, and a coffee table taking up most of the space in the middle of the room. I slowly undressed, placing my clothes across one of the arms of the couch and then sat down. The urge to cry was back again but this time I fought it, there wasn’t time to cry. I had to stay focused if I wanted to make it out alive. I wasn’t really worried that he would kill me, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that considered the idea that I wouldn’t live through the day. Before I could get too caught up in my morbid thoughts, the door opened and tall red-headed woman walked in.

“You? Why did he send you? Are you his daughter? You’re so young. I didn’t know he had a daughter” she asked, with a Brooklyn accent.

“I… I’m not his daughter” I said as she grabbed a measuring tape and started measuring me.

She suddenly stopped and looked at me. “oh god honey, what are you doing with him? How old are you? You don't even look 16!” I just shook my head and gave into the tears. “you poor girl,” She said going back to measuring, “we need to get this dress fitted or he’ll have both our heads. I’m sure that you’re going to be just fine. He wouldn’t hurt a darling little thing like you.” She added with a weak smile. I nodded and just stood there as she finished measuring. When she finished, she snapped her fingers. “I’ve got it, I know which dress would be perfect, just a little adjustment and it would be perfect. I’ll be right back,” She said rushing out of the room. I stood there looking out the window, contemplating jumping out of it. She was back before I could act. “This is the dress,” She said proudly, holding out a white halter dress. It was very low cut and floor length with a leg slit and the skirt was tiered. “It’s beautiful,” I told her, gazing at the dress. It would have been the perfect wedding dress… but here I am about to wear it to what could possibly be the last night of my life. She had me try on the dress, and it was perfect, she pinned it up a little in the back and made minor adjustments but overall, it was a perfect fit. She left the room again and I changed back into my clothes and took a seat on the couch. After a while, she walked back in, with the dress in a dress bag on her arm, and sat down beside me on the couch. She put her arm around me and said, “I don’t know how you’ve gotten here baby girl, but you’ve got to be a fighter. These people prey on the weak. Be strong. You’ve got to act like you’re supposed to be here.” And with that, she stood up, and helped me out of the room and out to receptionist’s desk. “goodbye honey,” She said giving me a kiss on the head and handing me the dress before disappearing through the door I had just walked out of. “Thank you for choosing Freedom Fashions,” the receptionist said as I left suite 302.

I hope that wasn't too depressing for everyone. I promise you the story ends well, I'm still alive, aren't I?

So I go back to Fresno for my sophomore year of college in a little over a week. I'm excited but I'm going to miss my old roommate. She's an RA now and gets her own dorm, and I'm going to be roomming with another friend of mine. I sure hope she isn't a neat freak or I'll drive that poor girl up a wall.

I guess I should probably share the big news about what happened to me this summer. I got a new chin. No, it was NOT plastic surgery. I've had an overbite my whole life and I finally had the corrective surgery at the begining of this summer. It kinda sucked at first because I was in boatloads of pain, couldn't eat any solids, had puffy hamster cheeks, and couldn't move. So I was bedridden for almost a month before I had the energy to stand up. But I've healed rather quickly. It's been nine weeks and I'm eating a normal diet (gaining back all the weight I had lost from my liquid diet) and am pretty active.

In other news, I no longer live with my parents. My parents debts were getting a little too overwhelming so they had to retrench. They now rent out a single room in this crazy cat lady's house. While I live with my grandparents in one of the extra guest rooms in their house. I have to be careful when I tell people that I don't live with my parents because for some reason they tend to assume that I was kicked out, which I wasn't.

I'm kinda exhausted so I'm going to finish up my laundry then go to bed.

but I swear that I will be wayyyy better about posting.

- Sabrina

The end of an era

2011-04-08T13:45:00.001-07:00

Sweet Jesus, it's been a while since I updated. That was at the very start of first semester and i'm now wrapping up my second semester. I really do feel bad for not updating often. Not sure why I don't do it more often, it really helps me relive stress. I can't even really do it now because I have to go to class but i'll write a crap load of stuff when I get back :)

(updated photo of me while I was in San Fran with my sister and her roommates)

[next part added post math class]

I'm not really sure what to write because so much has happened since I last wrote... I suppose i'll start with the most significant. I joined this amazing christian group on campus called Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and basically all the friends I have are from that group. (surprise, surprise, i actually have quite a few friends, it's quite shocking)

(most of Intervarsity during a conference in Bakersfield)

Monday nights is bible study, wednesday night is large group, sunday morning/night is church.

Catherine and Emily are my closest friends here (even though we've been getting on eachother's nerves lately...)

(Me and Catherine)

Remember when I was complaining about the loft beds? Problem solved :) We lowered them, left one desk in the bedroom and moved the other out into the living room. so now we have regular height beds (well, to be honest, they are still a bit taller then most beds, i even have to get a running start to jump onto it)

I try to keep my side of the room clean but I slip up and it starts to look like a tornado came through and I then take it as a cue to stop being such a slob and straighten things out.

I no longer want to be a veterinarian. My life long dream had come crashing down. Not sure what I want to do with my life any more but I don't think it'll have anything to do with the medical field. I'm switching to be an economics major but I have yet to make the official changes. I don't want to be an economist but that's the direction i'm currently pursuing.

I bought a pet fish and his name is Sherlock. He's albino and has some sever mental issues but we get along alright. He used to hate me but now he understands that I am the one who feeds him so he tries to be nice to me.

( my fish, Sherlock)

I've recently joined the worship team for intervarsity and have taken over playing guitar for large group since their old guitar player had scheduling conflicts and could no longer make it to wednesday nights. I'm still a crap player but luckily, church songs are ridiculously easy to play :)

I took this stupid half semester class for "leadership" in order to be an RA or PSA but my stupid GPA was one freaking grade point below the cut off point so i wasn't accepted but i'm going to try again to get it for spring semester next year.

There is a lot of stuff to say about my love life but i'll try to sum it up:

1) I like Ryley

2) Ryley likes me

3) Ryley is too scared for his 'bros' to know he likes me so he pretends to just want to sleep with me

(top to bottom: Ryley, Emily, Me)

4) I like Andrew

5) Andrew has zero idea that I like him

6) Andrew is the perfect Christian and i'm afraid all my emotional baggage would ruin him

(Andrew and I on the swings)

7) I like Josh

8) I have no idea if Josh likes me or not

9) Josh is intimidatingly hot (that boy is smokin' hot)

10) I think I like Sam (not sure)

11) Sam does not like me

so basically I'm going to be forever alone...

I've become addicted to tumblr. It's ruining my life one day at a time. I seem to lose countless hours on that stupid site... :(

I take way too many naps, I'm sleeping my life away. I always have good intentions to go study but end up taking a nap instead.

I'm way more active (not lately though). I work out a lot, I go to a work out class three times a week and I try to just run on the treadmill and whatnot.

I can't think of things to write so i'm going to finish working on my report due on tuesday and I'll add more later. I promise to try and update much more often :)

(the Intervarsity girls)

- Sabrina

(the real) first day of college

2010-08-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

So I’m sitting outside of my second class… I’m gonna wait an entire hour because I’m tired and there is no where close enough to go eat that will allow me to be back to class on time. This, luckily, is a one time deal. I helped a girl find her class, which is the class I have in an hour.

As you’ve probably figured, today is my first day of college classes. I’ve only been to one so far but since I have this hour break, I decided to write my blog entry.

So Friday, I packed up all my shit, went and said goodbye to my grandparents and hit the road. The car trip to fresno seemed a lot longer then when I came for orientation almost two months ago. Maybe it was because both parents were in the car this time and I was awake and sweating the entire time. I managed to pass the time by coloring, listening to music and watching The Darjeeling Limited. Even though I hate beard-face, he has exceptional taste in movies. I saw the short film, Hotel Chevalier, after the movie and it was good. I love the actors… I wish I knew their names. All I know is that one of them is one of the Wilson brothers… I don’t know if he’s luke or owen…

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I made it to fresno. There was some confusion with check-in but eventually I had my room key and began to unload all my crap into my dorm room. My roommate, Catherine, arrived the day before I did so all her stuff was already set up and she wasn’t in the room while I was unloading. It was ungodly hot, so all the trips from the car to room had me dripping in my own sweat… so after all my crap was in the room, I began setting up my bed and whatnot. Catherine already had pictures up and decorated her desk but I didn’t have enough room in y car to accommodate anything extra so my side of the room is very bland…

My roommate is nice and calm; I think we’re going to be good friends. We don’t talk much, but we have a mutual understanding that we’re both tiny n00bs in a brand new environment and we’re helping each other out as much as possible. She seems very normal, which is all I was hoping. I think I might be the weird one, but I’ll try my best to be good. I’ve decided for my sake, and everyone else’s, to not pull any of my shit. I get to reinvent myself and this time, I’m going to do it right and not fuck it up. I can’t afford to keep wrecking my life. This is my chance to redefine myself in a better image.

Well, I’ve managed to burn through ten minutes of my hour long wait… dang. Well, at least I’m in the shade and not melting in the Fresno sun… I don’t know how I’m going to stave off boredom so I may just continue to ramble on here. I apologize in advance.

Oh, to continue with what has happened so far, I hung out on Friday. That was the first night I slept in my dorm room. We have loft beds which are super ridiculously high and I’m deathly afraid of falling off but my ego is too big to allow me to get a bed rail. Dear God, please don’t let me fall off that bed and plummet to my death. Saturday, Catherine and I went to the dining hall for brunch. It’s kind of amazing in there. I had eggs, chorizo, and potato wedges. We sat together and ate the surprisingly good food. The I called my parents and they came to take us to target. Target… I swear we were in there for a couple hours… I ended up spending almost three hundred dollars… luckily my aunt and uncle gave me a target gift card for $100 so I only had to pay $200… but still, that’s a lot of cash… I have about sixty dollars to my name now... then we came back to the room and put everything away. We’ve decided to go with a Beatles/British theme for out living room. Catherine has an awesome Beatles poster and we bought this British flag wall-cling at target and that’s all we have so far but we’re forming plans and ideas of how to make that room bloody brilliant. My sister and her boyfriend came over around five and we all went to Marie Callanders, where I had some amazing blueberry pie. Then I said goodbye to my parents (I cried like a baby and got my daddy’s shirt soaked with tears). The I hung out with my sister and her boyfriend back in my dorm room for a while. Then they left and I went to bed.
Sunday morning, we went to the cafeteria for brunch again and this time we met one of catherine’s ‘friends’. Some obnoxious boy named Joey, who went to her same high school. She told me that she can’t stand him but he seems pretty popular so I might try to convince her that we should enter his social circle if we ever want to be cool. Oh, I found out that they have an Icee machine in the dining hall… I’m so freaking excited, we had some yesterday… Then we went back to the room for a while and later on we walked around the campus, finding all of our classes… it was super hot and we were walking around a lot, so I was exhausted and very sweaty. Poor Catherine has a class on the opposite side of campus. After coming back to the dorm room, we had to go to a mandatory hall meeting where we met out RA, who wasn’t the one I thought we had and honestly, I’m pretty disappointed because the guy I thought was our RA was smoking hot… not that the real one isn’t cute but he isn’t nearly as sexy as the guy I thought was the RA. Last night we went to an event called, “singled out” which was some show on MTV that has one girl and a bunch of boys and through a series of questions, eliminates boys until one is left standing and then those two go on a date together. Part of me would have loved to play but they only did one girl and one boy. At least I got free ice cream out of it, even if it was a big waste of time. I was kinda self conscious because I dressed as cute as I could manage and it turned out that everyone was just in jean shorts and tank tops… well, at least I know the dress code for next time.

I had to wake up at seven this morning to be ready for class on time, and I haven’t been sleeping very well so I’m exhausted and I keep yawning but I gotta keep on keeping on. I have another half hour until my second class and I still have two more after that. It’s gonna be a long day. Thanks for listening to my ramblings…

[the next section was added after finishing the rest of the school day]

Part 2

So animal science 67 was pretty chill, even though it was a bit overwhelming. Luckily I still had a twenty that my dad had given me to put on my laundry card to pay for the two books that my teacher required the class to get. One of the books is really cute and it called “emergency care for dogs and cats” and the other is some pile of photocopied papers. I have to complete 10 hours of community service in animal therapy for that class, we have to write 2,000 words, and we have to have hands-on time with animals. It’s all a but overwhelming but I think I can handle it. That teacher seems like the kind who love you if you’re nice and smart but can be a total bitch to you if you get on her bad side, so I’m gonna try my damndest to stay on her good side.

After that I went after that to the dining hall since I had two hours to kill before my next class. After grabbing my plate, I went into the seating area. I saw this girl that I recognized from my mandatory hall meeting. She had one of those training dogs with her. So, I put on the nicest smile and walked up to her and asked if I could sit with her. I told her that I recognized her from earlier and we got talking very easily. She was super nice and friendly and definitely seems like someone I would hang out with. She told me that she suffers from an anxiety disorder and that she is training her dog to help her out. The dog can point out to her when her anxiety levels are rising before she even realizes it. We’re both Animal science majors and it turns out that we have Animal Science 1 together, so we exchanged numbers before she left. I finished up eating and went back to the dorm room. I was super amped up, and was shaking and my heart was racing so I sat down and drank some water and tried to calm down but it was pretty hard. Then my grandma text me, so I called her and we talked for a little over an hour and it really helped me calm down. I talked to her while walking to my econ class. Then I had to go.

My econ class was kinda weird, the teacher seems like a really nice guy but there were some issues with the textbook, which I didn’t even know we needed. So he’s gonna clear that up for us by Wednesday but he wants us to have the book asap but it’s too expensive but there isn’t enough time for me to buy one cheap online and have it shipped to me. Whatever.

I don’t know why but suddenly I can’t remember what I did after econ class… I think I came back to the room. Oh yeah, I changed out of my disgusting sweaty shirt and into something new. I looked a little into the textbook thing… Then I went to my English class. I was seriously the only underclassmen in that room. There were about 15 to 20 in the room and they all looked to be in their early to mid twenties apart from two weirdos who were in their thirties/forties. I listened to the creepy old lady talk about how she’s a civil war nerd until class started. The teacher is super cool and laid back but that English class was not what I expected. I am a Jane Austen nut, so I thought brit lit would be perfect… this class covers all of british history and all the various time periods… the time period I’m comfortable with is only going to be one week of that class… everyone in there seems to already know British history and all the british novels and historical films and they we’re using big words and references that I didn’t know and were making jokes that I couldn’t understand in the slightest. I have never felt so dumb before in my life. I’m way in over my head… I should probably drop it but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the challenge this class presents me. So I’m going to use my free day tomorrow to read all about british history, understand their references, and all-around make myself less dumb. I feel like I’m going to be taking two classes, british history and british literature which sucks but if I do pull through, I’d be so proud of myself. The teacher only went over the syllabus and talked for a couple mins so I was in and out in less then twenty minutes. Ususally that class is going to be three hours… fml. I called my sister afterwards to rant about how dumb I felt… I was kinda disappointed that her advice to me was to drop it… she should be encouraging me to go for it! But I guess she was just being realistic. Okay, so I’m all caught up now.

Love,
Sabrina

i don't think i'll ever be good at this...

2010-08-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

16 days… I move into my dorm room in 16 days. I’m starting to get nervous, more so then I would have been if it weren’t for all this roommate drama. My original roommate and I were pretty tight but then she hit some major obstacles and ended up having her admission basically revoked. So just a couple days ago some random person texts me “I guess I’m your new roommate”. So this new girl seems pretty normal. She’s Christian, which is good. She’s into sports, which is whatever. She doesn’t like the same kind of music, which is bad. I don’t know what to think of her yet, I don’t want to judge her before I get to really meet her. I just hate that we’re going to be living together before I even know her. What if she’s a neat freak, or a weirdo, or just plain crazy? I don’t deal well with an insanity aside from my own…

Everyone has been asking me if I’m excited and as a rule of thumb I say yes and smile. Only a small few now the truth, which is that I really don’t want to go to fresno anymore. Hell, I’d settle for cal state long beach at this point. It hasn’t been until it really hit me that I wouldn’t be living at home that has made me start to realize all the things I would miss. I had a bit of a breakdown a couple of nights ago while I was talking with my mom about how I didn’t think I could handle not living at home and having to leave all my family, friends, and memories behind. I know very little outside of socal… I’ve never been away from home for more then a week and suddenly I’m going to be gone for a whole school year??? I’m not a fan of this whole ‘trial by fire’ experience…

My best friend is flying home for two weeks and I’m so excited to see her, but I’m also sad because I only get to see her for one week because I leave for college in the middle of her visit… part of me want to see her now but another part of me doesn’t want college to loom any closer.

I decided last night that I’m going to become a twitter dork… you can check it out… it’s pretty boring but I want to be as technologically savvy as possible because I’ve always seemed to be the last one to join the newest technological trend.. my twitter account name is Sabrina_e_f_g

Guess I’ll give ya’ll an excerpt from the story I’m writing. I’m kinda writing it out of order because it’s easier for me to remember fresher memories first before I go back and try to recall how everything played out in order, so this is from the middle. And, Yes, this story is true… even though I wish it wasn’t.

Something about this day felt strange right from the beginning. I could feel this, almost indescribable, sixth sense telling me to be on my guard. My head was spinning, perhaps from a subconscious knowledge of events about to unfold but most likely just a reaction to the thick smell of pot and booze hanging in the bus as a result of the previous night’s party.

I slowly rose from the bunk, noting that I had awoken alone. Again. Going out from the bunks to the front room, they were scattered about, passed out in uncomfortable positions. Checking the bathroom and the back room, I found no trace of him. Again. If this is him pulling a drama-queen act again, count me out. I’ve had my fill of the whole tortured poet act, and I don’t think I can humor him for one more pity party. HE forced me to come, HE wouldn’t take no as an answer, HE begged me for hours on end, and now HE was basically ignoring me. My mind was starting to wander back to the idea of packing up and just going home. Maybe it was exhaustion clouding rational thought or my heart finally giving up on him but I retreated to my bunk and began throwing everything into my bags. It wasn’t an easy feat, considering how my stuff was everywhere, mixed with everyone else’s stuff and how everyone’s stuff was mixed in with mine. I’m not sure at what point it started but I looked down to see my shirt soaked with tears and suddenly my numbing anger subsided and I could feel the burning heat in my eyes and face as the tears cascaded down. No, no time for a mental breakdown, I needed to get out before he came back. Careful not to bump anyone as I tip-toed around the sleeping idiots, I made it out the door, slowly closing the bus behind me as I felt the cold morning on my skin. I finally released the breath that I had been holding for what seemed like an eternity. As I turned around, there he was, off in the distance sitting under a tree. It was foggy and he was looking down, so I slowly crept along the bus until I was safely on the other side. Checking my wallet, I found I had enough for a taxi ride to the airport, and the ‘shopping’ money from a few days ago was enough for a flight back to California. Now all that I had left to worry about was how I was going to get home from the airport, guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.

Ducking into a Starbucks when it began to drizzle outside, I called a cab and then proceeded to sit in one of the three big overstuffed chairs seated around a faux-antique table and stare absent-mindedly out of the window as my mind went through a list of possible alibis to explain my absence. I heard the rain outside, I heard the low murmurs of the other people seated near me, I heard my own breath become staggered as my mind drifted to unwanted thoughts. I was too distracted by my own lack of self-control, to hear the door open, to hear someone say my name, to hear someone walk toward me. I was unaware of anything outside of myself until I suddenly felt two hands touching the sides of my face and another pair of lips on my own before I could even process what was happening. I pulled away and turned away. He can’t win this easily. I can’t give in this quickly.

“How the hell could you leave without telling anyone? Without leaving a single note?” he whispered, but there was no mistaking the intense anger in his words.

I flinched a bit at what he had said but quickly recovered, and answered him as calmly as I could manage, “Simple.”

He sighed and whispered, quieter then before and with no trace of anger, “I was scared something had happened to you.”

It was obvious by his tone that he was relieved to have found me safe, which would mean he cares but I still wasn’t going to give in because it’s just another part of this vicious cycle. He’s desperately in love with me, we go out, he gets bored with me, I leave, then he’s desperately in love with me once again. The whole novelty of this whole ‘famous boyfriend’ thing has faded and all that was left was a pathetic wanna-be who needs to be constantly entertained like some sort of overgrown 5-year-old.

So consumed by my own train of thought, I had forgotten he was there and my silence was making him desperate.

“Let’s go back to the bus,” he said, standing up and grabbing my bags. He started walking and was most of the way to the door when he realized that I wasn’t behind him. I could hear his annoyed sigh of frustration. He walked back and sat down in the chair across from mine. “darling, don’t you want to come back to the bus and be with me and the rest of your friends?” he said it more like a command then a question, there was this odd anger lurking right under the surface of his words. Anger? HE was angry with ME? That’s all it took for me to snap.

“No, I don’t want to go back to you or my so-called-friends. I’m done being the ‘undesignated driver’ that silently takes care of everything since you’re all too drunk to do anything for yourselves because no one appreciated it. I’m done forgiving you for every mistake you make because you never learn from them. I’m done being the ‘adoring fan’ because you need to grow up and learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you” Stopping to take a much needed breath, I noticed all the faces staring but my anger wasn’t satisfied yet. “I’m done with your guilt trips, pity parties, and innuendos. I’m done with all of your crap.” I saw the taxi was parked outside of the Starbucks. He was too paralyzed to move, so I grabbed my bags. “Most importantly, I’m done with you,” and with that I ran outside and jumped into the taxi.

I barely stuttered out that I wanted to be taken to the airport before I broke into a crying mess. Sobs were bursting out as a rocked back and forth, gripping onto my knees with all my strength. Poor taxi driver was too scared to say anything, which was probably for the best, and drove in silence as I was wailing in the backseat.

The cab driver gave me this look of sadness and concern as I scrambled out of the vehicle and got all my stuff out as well. He looked like he was going to say something but changed his mind. I grabbed my wallet and opened it when he touched my hand and shook his head. Without saying a single word, he got back into his cab and drove away. I sighed, upset that he wouldn’t let me pay him, but turned around and went to buy my plane ticket home.

“6 hours!?!? There’s no flight into Long Beach for 6 hours!?!?” I said staring at the man at the ticket desk.

“I’m sorry ma’am but that’s the soonest available” he said apologetically.

I suddenly felt embarrassed for having vented some of my pent up anger on an innocent bystander. “oh, that’s fine. I apologize for getting upset with you, it’s not your fault,” I said trying to put a smile on my face. He smiled in return and handed me my ticket.

I made my way to the ridiculously overpriced food court in the terminal and grabbed a coffee and a muffin before sitting down. I pulled my phone out of one of my bags. About 20 missed calls and about double that in text messages.

‘hey, where are you?’

‘where you at?’

‘dude where are you?’

‘seriously where are you?’

‘WHERE ARE YOU?’

Those must have come in before he found me, the ones after he found me were worse.

‘we miss you’

‘we love you’

‘we want you’

‘we NEED you’

Disgusted by what I was reading, I chucked my phone back into one of the bags and bit off a piece of the muffin quite viciously.

Okay kittens, thanks for reading. Some feedback would be appreciated. I’d probably update more often if I had the motivation of feedback.

-Sabrina

regularly

2010-06-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got my high school graduation present- my very own netbook. So, with this new little gadget, i can actually post everyday instead of my once every couple of months. I'm too lazy to go check what the last thing was that i posted so i'm just going to start talking about what ever the hell i want.

So I don't know if i've shared where i'm going to college but it's not Monterey so i'm kinda bummed. It sucks not being able to go to your first choice school... or second... or third... or fouth. Yes, I am going to my fifth choice school. Here are the crappy reasons why:
1) My parents refused to let me attend Monterey
2) I was weight listed for san jose
3) I was not accepted to pamona
4) Humboldt was too damn cold

so yes, fifth choice is Fresno state.
But really, i'm not as angry as i could be becuase i've kinda found the silver lining. So my intended future career is to be a veterinarian, but for all the previously mentioned schools, excepting Fresno, my major was some sort of branch off of veterinary, like marine bio, zoology, ect. So i'm taking it as a sign to remind me to stay on course and not get side tracked from what i believe my true calling is.

okay, so thats the light stuff; Here comes the heavy shit.

My sister has come home from santa cruz for the summer, and she's brought along her boyfriend. I had been pretty busy the couple days following their arrival so i hardly saw them but then a day before my high school graduation, i spent the entire day with them. And i learned something very very... interesting that morning. I was barely awake, lounging in my parents bed since my sister was still asleep (or so i thought) in our room and her boyfriend was asleep in the living room, and both my parents were at work. So i was in the middle of reading a book when my sister walks in and sits on the edge of my parents bed. She starts giving me a warning about what she was about to tell me and i was getting scared. The she finally spits it out. My sister and her boyfriend are 'sexually active'... my sister is a little over a year older then me... and she's having sex? It was a lot to take in at once. She was checking my face for a reaction but i was in stunned silence. What the hell am i supposed to say? "It's ok"? But i'm not at all ok with it. I have a purity ring... I thought my sister shared my same christian values. But at the same time, how could i admit to her that i'm disappointed and that i'll never be able to look up to her the way i once did. So i did the only thing i could, i nodded and left the room. I dislike my sisters boyfriend but I don't know if it's because of his personality or the fact that he fucking 'deflowered' my sister. I still haven't really let my emotions out over it and it's eating me up inside... I really wish she hadn't told me. I could have lived peacefully in ignorant bliss. But the worst part is, I think part of me already knew before she even told me...

After my graduation, My sister's boyfriend was driving, my sister was in the passenger seat and my sister's best friend and i were in the back seat. He isn't the best driver, having run a red light the previous day, but things got worse. He was crossing a street the goes through a neighborhood and he didn't see a car coming toward us. We got hit on the side by someone going straight toward us. Luckily, no one was hurt. But it was a very crazy experience. Everything happened in slow motion... i saw the car driving towards us, and i looked at my sister. My mind went blank and then i feel the car get knocked sideways about a yard... then it was over. I was shaking then i was crying, then i heard my sister screaming at her boyfriend. When i say that this happened "after my graduation" i mean, we had just left the ceremony five minutes before this all took place. In that one second of slow motion, I just thought of how much damn time i wasted in school just to die now. My sister was furious at Alex, I was a wreck, and stephanie was a little dazed. After alex and the lady in the other car exchanged info, we drove to my grandparents house and celebrated my graduation, but in all honesty i was not there mentally.

That night i went over to my friends house before heading to grad night, which was held at my high school. I had a mini break down, the whole ordeal was too much for me to handle. Alyssa felt bad for me but she didn't know what to say and i don't blame her because i wouldn't have a clue of how to sympathize with someone who had gone though the same event. It seems like an over dramatization to call it traumatizing but I'm scared every second that I'm in a car... i don't think i could handle ever going though that ever again. Even though the worst thing that happened was that the car was dented and the paint got scratched, it was the scariest thing i have ever experienced.

I'm a bit too tired to talk about grad night and my Las Vegas trip right now so I'll save that for tomorrow night.

oh, I'm going to install windows 2007 on my laptop tomorrow and then I'm going to start writing a story that I've been wanting to start for a while. I'll post excerpts from it on here once i get it up and running.

I'm exhausted.
Peace out.
-Sabrina

praying about tomorrow

2010-05-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

I've still be swamped so this isn't going to be very lengthy, just a few important notes
1) My AP english lit test is tomorrow and i'm friggen nervous

2) prom is going to be a disaster

3) i've somehow trapped myself in the same place as last time

4) i feel a newer stronger wave of depression coming on... fml...

k, i gtg to aerobics.
ciao
- sabrina

amazingly busy

2010-04-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been crazy busy lately with school stuff and prom details but i promise a longer update soon. I just wanted to show that i'm alive and well.

Peace out boy scout.
-Sabrina

busy beaver (take 2)

2010-01-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

As usual my first blog attempt tonight wouldn't post and then it got eraswd and now i'm furious yet again at my stupid cell phone because it was a brilliant post and i'll never be able to recreate it. i'm debating wheather or not to even try... I just completed hours and hours of homework so i'm dead tired so i guess my attempt to recreate my post must wait... well maybe i'll give you a little taste of what i talked about.
latelty i've come to appreciate the friend i've made in my math class. it brings me such joy to know that she actually and truely values my company and conversation, which isn't something i'm at all used to. Seeing how much she actually enjoys hanging out with me has led me to question the bond i have with three people i refer to as my best friends. Things just aren't the same with us and it never will be because they couldn't possibly comprehend what i went through and what i sacraficed for the love of my life and also for their sake. I will always stand by my decision and i will never regret doing what i did for them but what it all boila down to is that i'm changing and maturing and figuring out who i am while they aren't any different then they were freshman year. i love them and we had some of my best memories together but i just feel that along with my leaving for college will be the leaving behind of whats left of our friendship.
ok, thats all i can type without passing out from exhaustion.

good night.

free moment

2009-12-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

Things were getting a little hectic at school right before christmas break. My english class was starting to be awfully taxing and time consuming with two shakespeare plays I had to read and analyze. As a class we all had to read The Tempest, and then for our other play we got to chose between King Henrey VIII, The Merchant of Venice, Twelth Night, and one more that i can't recall. Most people chose Twelfth Night because of that Amanda Bynes movie, She's the Man. Then every one else were pretty evenly split between King Henry and the play I can't remember. So the smallest group was for Merchant of Venice and consisted of myself and my best friend. This gorgeous boy that's in my class wasn't there when the class chose their plays so the next day he offered to be in our Merchant of Venice group. Me and Melissa were both very very excited. At the start of the assignment he seemed to be doing most of the work which was surprising. Melissa and I had a study day at my house to do the work for the play but we ended up spending most of the time shopping for prom dresses online. I ended up just grabbing some pre written stuff online for the questions i was assigned. I had continuously put off reading the actual play, but eventually the day where we would be questioned in panel fashion by my english teacher to gauge our analytical understanding of the play. Using what little i picked up from copying answers online and what melissa had sumed up for me, I was able to brilliantly BS my way through the questioning. My teacher praised my insightful and brilliant answers while melissa gave me death glares for outdoing her without having read a single page of the play.
Annatomy has been a pain in the keister lately because we had to form groups and present different chapters for the chapter review before the semester final. Since i was sick, i wasn't much help to my group and i was dreading presenting in front of the class because i had absolutely no voice and Mr.Mayo said he was going to be merciless in taking off points during the presentation. Luckily the presentations were taking longer then expected so my group isn't going to present until after the break. So hopefully this damn cold will be gone and i will have my voice back.
My dad jusr came home so i'm going to call it quits. I doubt i'll post tonight because i have a christmas party at my grandma's house and i doubt i'll post tomorrw since it will be christmas... so, have a merry christmas.

beat the damn system

2009-12-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

I finally figured out how to beat the system when it comes to posting a blog update from my cell. (i'm excited!) So now that i can post i'll talk about what i wrote about a couple days ago when my blog rudely woyldn't post. I'll start by talkin' about my grades... they're alright, nothin' to brag about. I currently have a 3.10 that consists of two A's, two B's, and two C+'s. One would think that i'm lazy because one of my A's is in my aerobics class but the other A is in my AP english lit class, so suck it trick! My C's are in anatomy (which such a hard class) and government (which i have to admit i only have a C in cuz i don't do a single fuckin' assignment because it's such a retarded class). So my B's are then clearly the only two classes i haven't mentioned- video production and Finite. So I think in my last long post I said something about liking video class, well scratch that cuz Mr.S pulled my segment... AGAIN! I try so hard and he never lets it air. I'm officially over that whole fucimg class and vow not to do another single assignmet for that class for the rest of the semester, which is when my schedual changes and i get to drop tha god forsaken class.
I'm still sick which really bites because i've been trapped in th house with my sister but at least it's better ten being at school while sick like i was all of last week. I finished christmas shopping. i'll write morw tomorrow cuz i'm tired. G'night!

as usual

2009-12-22T18:44:00.000-08:00

As usual, everytime I try to post, it either doesn't post or someone interrupts my writing process. I wrote a great entry two nights ago but it wouldn't work and everytime i've tried to post since, i've been interrupted. I wish i could remember the post from two nights ago but i just can't and my cold is making my head hurt so i'm gonna just throw in the towel and try to post something worth reading tomorrow.

nyquil...

2009-12-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

I just downed some nyquil so i better make this quick before i pass out.
so basically TBIL is in love with a girl in his artclass. as to be expected, my heart hurts but i'm still not going to give up because i'm still showing him the little things that make us so perfect. i'm obsessed. i'm disgustingly obsessed with him and it disgusts even me. i need to move on but my attempts always fail...
anyways, i went with my friends to san diego on saturday. we walked around the downtown area in the cold and rain for half an hour tryin to find a freaking starbucks. so i've come down with a pretty horrible cold/sore throat due to our stupid voyage. and my cell phones gps almost got us lost numberous times... we weren't happy campers on the ride home...
so since this is the last week of school before winterbreak i've been having all the midterms in my classes. for engish class we had to be in groups and read a shakespeare play. my friend and i chose the merchant of venice and happened to end up being put in a group with this gorgeous boy. so today we had to be in 'panels' and my english teacher would ask various group members different literary analysis questions to gauge their understanding of the book and to decide individual grades. so being the natural 'overachiever' that i am, i never read the play and hd it summarized for me by my friend the night before, but my teacher continuously praied my responses to his analysis questions and called them intelligent and insightful. melissa was prettyupset that i did better then her and hadn't even read the play but i thought it was hilarious. i took my governmet test yesterday, and i'll probably get a c or b. i took my math midterm today and it was sooooooooo easy. i finished up my project for video class which i've actually enjoyed tge past few days be ause i've gotten to the aspect that i love which is doing it all myself. i filmed, created, uploaded, and edited it all by myself.
okay i have more to say but the nyquil is really getting to me. goodnight!

In depth

2009-12-04T17:14:00.000-08:00

Okay so i wrote a really bomb post last night my it wouldn't post and i'm sure i won't be as eloquent as i was then but I'll attempt to write it again.

The main issue of yesterday revolved around the life lesson I received from my sixth period government. To put it simply, the lesson was that idiots with charisma are always going to beat quiet people of intelligence and actual substance. I learned this because of a faux-presidential election that had the classroom divided into several groups that created their own political party, nominated a candidate from within the assigned groups, and present a power point presentation to basically sell your candidate to the class. I didn’t really know my group members terribly well, one is a very quiet shy girl, a funny and nice smart girl, and this emo kid who has the worlds tightest pants… so being the overachiever I am when it comes to big projects, I wanted to make this a huge thing with posters and give-away-items and a funny video, but that wasn’t what they had in mind. They wanted to just dgaf the whole thing… I was kind of bummed but went along with it for a while until I couldn’t hold back and let my overachiever side come out. I made a bag, bought candy, made a political song by changing the lyrics of Hey Jude to fit the whole campaign, and made a short video commercial advertisement… I worked with the girls on our political party’s platform and came up with very intelligent ideas, that would work pretty well if it were actually to be used in the actual government. Then the day to present the candidates was yesterday and the day before. I’ve come to expect from high schoolers a certain lack of the ‘boom’ factor, so I was confident in our party’s success, but I was proven wrong. There was definite pizzazz in the campaigns. Then I started to realize something the class seemed to be blind to, the campaigns we’re poorly thought out and would have had many flaws if it were to be used… One candidate had his party all wear suits, the other told bad jokes, another wore suits and sunglasses because they were “serious”, another used the candidates ‘cutesy’ factor shamelessly, and another used crude humor, and the last was just overall confusing and stupid. My group was the only one not putting up some façade to blind the people… but the ‘fat funny kid’ won. The ‘fat funny kid’ always wins. Was I the only person to see that there is no way to both cut taxes and increase government funding for government sponsored programs & services? I wouldn’t have been so wound up if it weren’t for the fact that his closing selling point in the thirty seconds each candidate had to emphasize their ability to take office, was to rudely and harshly slam his opponents one by one. I wanted to claw his face off. How dare he slam my group that used its brain rather then a fucking platypus shirt and brazen slander to appeal to the audience. But I don’t blame him alone; I believe the class shares in the blame for having voted for the ignorant ass. Don’t think me petty enough to be this angry just because my group lost, because I never forgot that It’s just for my government class, I’m angry because it’s not just my sixth period that has fallen for the charisma of an oaf, it’s happened all over the world. How can people be so stupid as to let a little razzle dazzle distract them from the truth? I have never had much faith in my generation but what hope was left has been undeniably crushed. I’m so sorry that my generation will be the last because it’s stupidity will lead to the eventual ending of mankind. So to answer the question from my previous post, yes, the end is near… and it’s my generation’s fault.

I guess I will now tell about the recent mishaps of my love life…I got a great boyfriend who was into all the same things as me and had all the same views on society as I do… things were just fantastic and happy… then it all came apart. The boy that claimed to be ‘straight-edge’ and just as ‘anti-drug’ as I am, turned out to be not only a user but a dealer as well. He then had the audacity to be angry with me for not being ‘cool with it’ and for not ‘understanding his situation.’ He called me many un-kind names and kept repeating that I have a god-complex and think I’m better then everyone else and then informed me that I’m not a moral person, I’m in fact a preach bitch with a stick up her ass. Needless to say, that relationship ended. I want to be his friend and help him stop the bad things he is doing but he isn’t going to turn to me or listen to me… and everyone around me is telling me I’m too young to help him and that I shouldn’t take his problems onto my shoulders, but that’s just bullshit because I think the existence of humanity has something to do with helping one another and sharing burdens. Age is not an excuse to give up on someone in need… I won’t give up on him, I may not be in love with him but I do have a love for him like a sibling or parent, and I want what is best for him, so I’m going to continue putting up with the crap because I’m not going to let him sink. I don’t know if a depression attack is anything like feeling like you’re at rock bottom due to drugs but if it is, I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel that pain, because it’s horrible. I have nightmares about the pain… It’s a dark that doesn’t leave, and whisper that won’t silence, a cut that keeps bleeding, a storm that won’t clear until one comes to the two final choices, suicide or rising above. There is no real way to describe that world shattering feeling and I don’t want to describe it perfectly even if I could because it’s not something to be explained. He may have faults but he doesn’t deserve to ever have to consider suicide as a solution to his problems.

College applications have been the only thing my parents have been concerned with for the past two weeks. I had applied to two schools I didn’t really care for almost the day after applications were allowed to be filled out, but the schools that I actually want to attend were sent in the day before the deadline because they were last minute suggestions that turned out to be just what I wanted. After much negotiation, I was allowed to apply to Monterey and may attend there if I’m accepted only if I’m rejected from both Cal Poly Pomona and CSU Humboldt. I don’t see my chances for getting into CPP being great but I don’t really want to go there so I don’t care, but I’m pretty sure that I’ll get into both Humboldt and Monterey, but I really hope I get rejected from Humboldt so I can go to the school I have been wanting to attend.

The boy I like is driving me crazy… He is around me all the time, looks at me during class, and walked behind me almost everyday to my sixth period but he won’t talk to me… He won’t open his mouth… maybe it’s my own ego that making this happen but his blog entries seem to hint that he likes me… I wish he’d make a move, because I’ve already made a move, now it’s his turn… I want to say that I’m not going to waste my time waiting for him, but I would. He’s everything I want in a guy. We’re so perfect that it’s ridiculous. He is the first guy I’ve ever liked that I am attracted to him mostly because of his mind. He’s such a fascinating person with his ability to keep this cool exterior while hiding this starving poet genius within. I’m not sure that I love him because I have only once thought I was in love and it didn’t feel anything like this, it’s not stronger or weaker, just different.

My stress rashes are worse, mainly because I won’t leave them alone. It has spread to both hands and is not creeping up onto my neck and face… I try to stop but it’s almost subconscious when I pick at it. The rash bleeds when I mess with it, so I’ve been bleeding a lot lately and have had to put my hair in front of my face and make a dash out of class and into the restroom to wipe the blood off my face… I never thought the rashes were completely linked to my stress before but now I’m sure they are…

On a lighter not, I’ve been making some changes lately. My wardrobe, makeup, hair color, and other things have been evolving to be more mature. I’m getting away from the whole t-shirt/skinny jeans look and am trying to expand my style. My makeup is simple and natural now, no more bright colors, I dyed my hair black, and no, it’s not because I’m going Goth, because I’m not, the black was in fact my fathers suggestion. I’ve been trying to change how I act with my friends but I’m not sure that it’s going as planned because they aren’t reacting as I had hoped. I’m trying so hard to be a better person but I feel like I’m going to lose the identity I’ve thus far created in my life, but then again, what if this change is going to be my true identity and the old one was just a phase? I won’t lose myself in the change but if I do lose part of myself I hope that it’s the part I hate that is subconsciously trying to sabotage my life…

Okay I’m sick of typing.

"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs."

Adios.

-Sabrina

is the end really near?

2009-12-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry for taking a long absense from posting. it's been a very taxing time for me, both mentally and physically. hmmm i guess i'll talk about the bad things first... so there was this kid i went to elementary school with and we were extremely good friends but contact was dropped when i switched schools in sixth grade, and for the past couple of months i've been hanging out with elementary school friends and that boy dropped by during when i was with my friends. He was a short skinny kid in elementary school, but now he's tall and built and does football and basketball. So me and him were so close again so quickly and he ended confessing that he had a crush on me throughout elementary school and he also said that he thought of me frequently after i had switched schools. We started dating and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend which i completly agreed to. i'm not gonna pretend that TBIL wasn't a motivating factor in my eagerness to get a boyfriend... but anyways, we were getting along fine until the truth came out. the boy that claimed to share my same straightedge views was not only a druggie but a fucking dealer. then he had the nerve to get angry at me when i told him that i won't be in a relationship with anyone who abuses drugs. he called me a lot of horrible names because i 'was such a stuck up moral preaching bitch.' it'd be a normals persons presumption that i hate him, but i don't. i don't love him, but i remember what a deep bond we share so i want to help him stop using. to be clear, i will not go out with him now or ever but i will always be his friend and friends help friends fight their personal demons. everyone keeps telling me that i'm too young to be taking on his problems but i refuse to accept that and just give up on him, even though he doesn't know it he needs my help. the stress rash thingys on my hands are getting worse because i keep picking at it and now it's spread to my neck and face. my parents are trying to hide it but i know the rashes scare them and are making them worry about me more then usual. i just got to experience the joyful stress that comes with filling out college applications for the first time. after a long fought battle, i was allowed to apply to tge school i actually do want to attend,cal state monterey but as part of a compromise with my mother i can only go to monterey if i get rejected from both humboldt and cal poly pomona. i applied to five schools in all. i have more bad news but i'm just gonna skip it and move to the good news. my sister got to come home from college over thanksgiving break so it was nice to see her and hang out like old times. i text her like everyday but it was cool to have her back home. i took her friday night to a game of broomball my church was hosting, it was a lot of fun except my best friend brought her neighbor who is so annoying but my otger friend's older brother was there and his sheer amount of awkwardness brings me smiles. oh i've recently made a new friend in my math class and i guess it really is true that nothing brings people together quite like a common enemy. we both sgare a disgust for this obnoxious kid who thinks he is gods gift to mankind. mynew friend is totally awesome and loves kat von d even more then i do. she was kat for halloween and even drew on most of the tattoos kat has. she's an amazingly gifted artist and i love to look at her artwork. okay i'm super tired but i'll try to post tomorrow night but i gotta add some things before i end this post.
first,my friend and i took a spurr of the moment trip to las vegas thedat before halloween and since we left at nine at night we didn't get to vegas until two am on halloween. i'd never been to vegas before, it was amazing. i'll go more in detail about that in another post later on. can't think anymore... good night...

Trying Something New

2009-10-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

I decided that there is no better way to get a certain boy out of my head then to go out and try new things.
Being the naturally un-school-spirited person that i am, i've never been to a single choir show before, until tonight. Giving me an excuse to stop moping in my bed, i reluctantly agreed to go. I feel bad about it now, but i was so prepared for a night of horrible noise since its just a high school choir, but I was pleasantly surprised at how amazingly talented my school's choir is. They performed dozens of broadway songs and truly did them justice. I congratulated my friend afterwards and learned that the girl that i thought was her during the entire show turned out not to be her...
Everyone around me is getting sick. I'm doomed to get sick. i've been feeling the sickness start to creep up on me the past two days. dang.
My fingers are starting to get tired.
good night.
-sabrina

It's shattered...

2009-10-22T21:09:00.001-07:00

I can't pretend that i didn't see it coming, but i finally know that the guy i've been utterly in love with for a long time has his eye on a girl that isn't me. I spent so many hours trying to get myself to stop that silly fantasy, but part of me wouldn't let go. But now i have the proof to prove that he isn't interested in me. I underestimated how much it would hurt. It's almost funny that he broke my heart but won't ever know it.

I'm not ready to move on, but i have no choice. There are many reaponsibilities resting on my shoulders and i can't disappoint others just because of him. I gotta take a breath in, let it out now, put you're chin up tiger cuz you're a man now... I think Travis McCoy is the only one who understands...

Boy issues, friend issues, parent issues, and school issues. wow. I can't handle this, but i can't ask for help cuz i don't deserve it.

I'm fucked.
Good night.
-Sabrina

It's shattered...

2009-10-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

2009-10-21T19:03:00.001-07:00

200 isn't enuff so i'll just make more posts. My friend tried to get me to talk to him on facebook but i couldn't cuz i'm a chicken. That's all i can put. Ciao.

2009-10-21T19:00:00.001-07:00

now i can blog through text but i only get 200 characters. The guy i like is driving me crazy. He doesn't talk to me and i'm too shy to talk to him. Epic. Fail.

Sorry...

2009-10-14T16:15:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted in a good long while, mainly because life has become so very hectic. Actually, that a fairly blatant lie because I’ve had tons of free time, I’m just so ridiculously lazy. I just started getting an insane hand cramp so this entry is going to be short.

I’m in love. He knows I exist, but nothing has yet to happen. I got a class with him this year, but we don’t sit near each other, except for a stupid game we sometimes play, but I got voted off the game so I will no longer be sitting by him. We’re so similar, that it’s a tad freaky. He likes some girl, but I don’t have a clue about who it is, and I know it isn’t me. For a while I was able to give myself the confidence boost of believing that maybe it was be, but I can’t keep fooling myself. He’s cute, smart, funny, and chill, he could have ANY girl, so he wouldn’t settle for the ugly socially awkward creeper…

I hadn’t had any bad bouts of depression lately, but it hit me today like a ton of bricks. I thought that it might have something to do with the weather, but then I remembered that I love this dark rainy weather. I just wrote this poem today after school:

Hello there,
Long time no see
I can tell that you’ve been working out
Because you’re much stronger then before
Maybe it’s my fault
I allowed myself to forget the pain
I can never forget that I’m being punished
You’re no longer something to “overcome”
You’re something to “endure”
I feel that I must warn you,
My support system is growing
Your days are numbered
Your time is limited
I am trying to be stronger
Better
Truer
Calmer
I have cheerleaders and role models
They keep me on my new path.
I’m defined by many words
Girl.
Dork.
Comedian.
Lazy.
Smart.
Sarcastic.
Stubborn.
Determined.
Adventurous.
Loud.
Quiet.
Depression is not one of them

I think that’s the best way to describe my current view on my depression. It’s hard to explain but I think it comes across fairly well though that context.

Things are different. My sister has gone away to college. I’ve taken big steps in my relationship with God, as in joining Christian club and attending youth church on Tuesday nights. It’s weird having the apartment to myself more often. I usually nap, text, or do homework, but it’s still weird. I’ve visited my sister once since she went to college, apparently she joined an ultimate Frisbee team… She seems so happy but I miss her like crazy. I do text almost everyday thought, but it’s just not the same as having her home. I’ve just delved into the entire college application process, and I’m so scared but at the same time fairly confident because of my good SAT score and ACT score. I’m slightly upset but my parents told me that they will not be allowing me to apply for my dream college, Cornell University because my grades are not up to par for them, and they think the application cost is too high.
I miss certain people a lot right now, but I think the biggest change has been the “temporary” drop of certain connections. Doesn’t it suck how what’s for best is never the easy or fun thing to do?

My hand is killing me… that’s all I can think of to post.

Bye.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown

Love,
S.

pathetic

2009-08-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten what joyous rites come with being ‘his’ girl. The near constant jealousy, the need to always be in contact, the way he has to know where I am every second and the best part is that he never tells me where he is or what he’s doing. This really shouldn’t be a one way street but it is… It’s getting really pathetic with the way that he’s trying to get me to opt out of attending church camp because it’s the first time he’ll be able to come see me since we’ve started this part of the vicious cycle yet again. I feel bad but I gave him a phony address of this kid that I don’t know. I can’t be too careful because I can never let myself forget that I’m dealing with a crazy person who is capable of doing stupid things such as trying to kidnap me and take me to south America or something like that. Yesterday was the first time contact with the others began, aside from my closest friend that I never dropped contact with. I had forgotten how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how much fun they are. For better or for worse, they are my second family and I guess families are supposed to stick together, no matter how mismatched and fucked up the family truly is. Hmmm…. ‘truly’…. That’s an interesting thought. Everything that happens with us now revolves around truth because he realized how badly a lie can affect everything and everyone. Another place where I find humor in the flexibility of truth is in the others of my ‘other’ family. We all delude ourselves into a false truth that this is meant to be and that in the end everything is going to work out for us and that this isn’t fucked up. In the end we’re all just lying to ourselves. Things aren’t going to work for us, but I guess the only thing one can do in a hopeless situation is take refuge in pure fools hope. I used to think I was the undeserving little loser, but the tables have turned and he is the one that doesn’t deserve of me. I’ve learned that I have the power to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and continue my life and that’s something that I’m proud of. He’s the one with the dependency issues, the morality issues, and he love issues. I deserve better and I know I can do better, so I’m not scared anymore, the future doesn’t frighten me. He’s the one that should be a little worried. I can’t pretend that I don’t love that idiot, but I know that my heart is strong enough to stand being broken, but I can’t really say the same for his. If he steps out of line again, or tries to use me again, it’s going to backfire on him because I possess the willpower now to just walk away. The love I have for him isn’t a leash, it’s something that makes me see past his many little faults but I know it won’t see past the huge ones when they surface. Although this is starting to sound awfully pessimistic, I’ll make the fact clear that I don’t actually want fault to surface, if I could have it my way, we’d get married as soon as I finish up my GED, get a nice house near where I’m gong to continue my college education and live happy lives. But let’s face it- I need to be a realist as well as a dreamer. As I learned the hard way once before- good things don’t last.

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."

paalam
- Sabrina

you spin me round, right round

2009-08-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been one to enjoy confrontations but I seem to be this human argument magnet… If you read the last post, you understand my current life question. I asked him. It didn’t go as well as expected… He went ballistic and said some pointless shit about my love not being true if I could doubt his love. It was really pathetic. It was my original plan to just spill everything I had been holding back but his stupidity just completely changed my plans for me. I told him every last detail about everything and didn’t edit anything for the sake of his feelings. I was practically sobbing by the time I finished. For the first time in possibly forever, he was speechless. It was silent for ten minutes aside from the occasional: “are you still there?” “yep.” He was the first to speak, “how can I fix it?” That was not what I was expecting to hear from him at all. What I was expecting were the usual lies, excuses, and topic changers. Did he really just offer to fix things? It is soooo not in character for him to ever take responsibility for anything ever. I was now the speechless one but as I got over the shock I was silent in thought. Could he really fix what he’s done? The answer is yes. I took in a breath and said, “no.” I worked my ass off through depression, though the bullshit, thought everything by myself. Why should I let him come and take all the credit away from the work that I’ve done. I know that it could possibly change some of how people around me feel for the better but I don’t care because this is just who I am, who I have created myself, for better or for worse. I don’t think he was expecting a no, so he asked again to clarify. And again I rejected his offer. He demanded an explanation so I gave it to him. Again, oddly out of character, he listened quietly and in the end he understood and accepted it. He laughed when I asked where was the real him because this fake him is really starting to freak me out. Then for he first time in the entire conversation he did something very in character, he said that maybe we really aren’t meant to be and that we need to “end the charade.” I laughed to myself because that’s what he says every time before I wake up the next morning and find a billion text messages on my cell begging to give him another chance. Not to belittle the heart-felt speech he was giving, I agreed and we said our goodbyes and a few cordial sentiments and I proceeded to hang up the phone. I crept out of the living room, cursing at the creaky hallway door and crawled back to bed and drifted into an odd dreamless sleep. I awoke, rolled over and looked at my cell phone. No new text messages. This is the really sick part, I wasn’t relieved, I was disappointed. For how much I need him out of my life, I can’t deal with things without him there making things worse… My disappointment didn’t last long. About an hour after we broke up, I got a text message reading, “words will never end our love.” Cliché bastard. I love him. We’re stick together on an endless cycle that I never ever want to end.

“You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
--Sri Chinmoy

Doviđenja

- Sabrina

endless cycle

2009-08-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is how it starts. Every time. A simple phone call.
The only answer the question of why is also simple. I’m weak. I’m so weak.
He had told me the ‘L’ word before but it was never like directly to me or it was something he’d just text me but he said it… he said it right to me and that’s when I lost all the courage I had built up to finally kick him out of my life. That damn snake wormed his way back in. I should never have picked up the phone. I never should have agreed to let him “tell his side” and I really never ever ever ever ever should have let him say those three awful words. But maybe it’s my fault for letting things go down the way they did. I still sometimes wonder why I took the fall for him, why I took the blame, why I saved him, and then I remember why… because I love him. But the newer question on my mind is whether or not he loves me or just feels guilty for letting me take the hit for him. Was the whole ordeal I suffered worth having saved him? Was losing everything I had really worth giving him everything he needed? The real kicker in the whole situation is that he has never once apologized for it. I have to lie to everyone just to distract from what was really going on and he just dumps me out on the street like last weeks trash without even caring what he did to my life… I know it would have been horrible but if things had gone on much longer without having my life finally get back in order, I would have done it, I would have gone to the police and the news stations and I would have let him pay for it all. Well… I don’t know if I actually would have done it but then again I think I’m starting to forget how dark things really were for me. He used me and I don’t trust him in refraining from using me again. It’d be a lie to say that I don’t get this stupid gut feeling from being part of his life that seems to make every other part of my life seem so tiny and insignificant.

Two hours. We talked for two hours. And by ‘we’ I mean him. He talked the whole time apart from the random ‘uh huh’ ‘oh wow’ and ‘oh my gosh’ that I was allowed to interject from time to time. I had forgotten how everything revolves around him. My life is dull and not worth talking about apparently, not that I disagree but it’s not very kind of him to assert the fact in my face. He wants me to run away with him. Does he not remember what happened last time I tried? I hate that even though I hate every fiber of his being with every fiber of mine; I love him and will never be able to rid myself of him. This is the kind of love that I’m never going to forget but he’ll forget in a few months. The sickest thing is that if he came to my door right now and asked me if I wanted to just leave and marry him and be with him, I wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to stick my ground and finally get him to explain everything to me and tell me his motives and his feelings and I hope to god that at some point I will finally see if it was worth it or not.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Thanks for listening to me babble....

adéu
- Sabrina

owch...

2009-07-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve had a pretty awesome time since my last post except for a few bumps… like Alyssa’s car not starting, losing the make-up I bought as Sephora, and some other things… but in the end it was fine. I spent the night at Melissa’s house and spent today with her going to Panda Express, Ulta and then to Sam Ash and then to Alyssa’s house where she gave me my Sephora make-up that I had accidentally left in her car. We watched an episode of Lie to Me; I’m so addicted to that show now! The weirdest thing that happened was when we started talking about our experiences kissing and Mel asked me the most unexpected question: did he ever kiss me… Needless to say, I was caught off guard. I stuttered out an answer before switching the subject as quickly as possible. She noticed. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable telling her about it, okay maybe I am kinda of uncomfortable, but I just want to forget about it, regardless of how much it seems like the universe disagrees with me… I mean maybe as horrible and just plain wrong it seems, I’m meant to be with him… because life is like a fucking circle for me because even when I go off and do something, no matter what, I always end up in the same place with the same person and I’ll admit it her but no where else, I love the predictability… but at the same time I hate it because no matter how hard I want to get away, I end up in the same fucking place… I’m just sixteen (soon to be 17), I’m too young to have found the one, especially if that one was born a decade before me! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to believe… I swear to god my life feels like a soap opera… I need a vacation! I'm going to try to get my mind off it by talking about how I’ve figured out that I want to play the banjo! I saw one at Sam Ash and I’ve been thinking about it for a while… I just really really want one! Okay, I want to go lay down because I gave myself I headache… sigh

Is love
supposed
to hurt
this much?

tot ziens

Sincerely,
Sabrina

pondering...

2009-07-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

I now have a fear of answering my cell or reading new text messages. They are all from the same person. They are from the same creepy overbearing angry person. I don’t want to write about that but I thought I should just get it out there just in case I get I’m found dead or missing, people will know where to start looking. Well I’m not afraid that he’ll kill me, I’m just afraid that he’ll do something completely irrational and stupid and thoughtless and impulsive!

There have been few updates since my last post but I guess I’ll list them out.

My sister came back from her vacation and took her laptop back so I’m writing this on the computer. No one is home right now because Amelia went with her friend to the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I would have gone but I don’t really like the Harry Potter movies, they seem a tad over dramatic to me.

Yesterday I went and took my senior portrait pictures for the yearbook, which was... an experience. I had to wear this ridiculous long sleeve black shirt that I was practically melting in because it’s been so damn hot lately. I was completely self-0conscious the entire time because I knew who was gonna be their at the same time as me... and I think he knew it too. My... hmmm, I actually don’t know what he is to me, a friend? No... an acquaintance? No... Well whatever he is, he was there for his portrait and things were so awkward.... oh. so. Awkward. He never got out of his car while I was there. He just sat there and when I came out of the photography place, he waved a very awkward wave and I didn’t know what to do in return so I did nothing... yeah... I just couldn’t process thought due to my nerves. I was texting my friend non-stop to give her a play-by-play of the events as they were occurring. Our current theory is that he does like me even though he doesn’t really know me but he understands that I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m quite the opposite and he can sympathize because he isn’t the most mentally stable individual either.

My dad is going to come back home soon so I better wrap this up.

-going to downtown Disney tonight with my chums

-went swimming and hung out with my fried that I hadn’t seen in forever (only like 3 weeks)

-have actually been sleeping better (because I’ve actually been sleeping!)

-finally got info about paying for church camp because I’m too poor to pay it myself so I need a scholarship.

-I really want to make a music video but I don’t know of what but it’s probably going to feature my little blonde musician friend...

Okay... that’s all I can think of.

Auf Wiedersehen

-sabrina

third night in a row, woo!

2009-07-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

This is the third night in a row? really? wow... it seems like it's been longer. I regret to inform you that my sister will be back home tomorrow so i will no longer be able to use her lap top which will only leave the computers which are out in the open in the living room hence making it harder to achieve privacy when typing up about my life! (were you able to follow that??? because i even got a little confused...) Here i'll dumb it down- no more lap top = back to my complete inconistancy in posting... but no one reads this so it doesn't even matter...

Anyways, today was pretty nice. I woke up around noon, ate, played guitar for three hours, went and got some sushi with my dad, watched some stuff on the computer, started watching hell boy 2, was wating to watch the rest of it with my dad but got impatient and started playing games at addictinggames.com, got bored of that, went on the other computer and played some more gamees, and then played sims 2 for a few hours. I know that it was really pathtic to waste my entire day in front of the computer but i needed just a vegg out day becasue life has been getting a little frustrating latelyt and this was a well deserved break. Tomorrow is going to be hell becasue i have to spend hours trying to make my mother co-exist with this little thing called technology. I need to help her set up her cell phone, and fix her face book. yes... my mother has a facebook, i'm just as scared as you are... But me and my sister already made a pact that we are not going to accept her as a friend on facebook because that's just really really really weird! I am so notlooking forward to tomorrow. On monday i'm being shipped off to my grandparents house for the day which is perfectly fine by me because i love them but it can get a little boring over there... on tuesday i have to go take my senior portraits for the yearbook. I am so angry that the picture iws so soon because i am not ready! I have a scar on my cheek and i'm completely broken out! This isn't how i want top be remembered in my yearbook for my senior year of highschool!

Okay, for the first time in weeks, i'm actually tired enough to fall asleep quickly so i'm gonna cash in on this while i can.
sorry but i don't wanna go find a quote so i'll just put what my sister texted me today after i asked for slightly belated permission to use her laptop:

Me: "Can I use your laptop? i just wanna look up guitar tabs and stuff."
My sister: "I take it that me not replying counted as a yes you can. just don't screw with it or they wont ever find your bones"

... my sister... she's a charmer, alright...

goodnight!!! <333
Sincerely,
TU MADRE!

(hmmm, don't ask...)

Up and Down Merry-go-round

2009-07-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

Things have gone topsy turvy very quickly and very mysteriously... The people i hate are suddenly my best friends again, the people who are my best friends have been m.i.a. lately and the people who don't care about me are suddenly interested. And aside from all that, i just had a near mental breakdown today because the reality of college costs just smacked me right in th face. Did you know that every year of college becomes more expensive because every year there are less and less ways that scholarships and grants and such can be attained, so if my freshmen year is going to be so effing difficult to pay for, thinking of the next years where i won't have nearly the same amount of financhial aide is killing me. I have no source of income, no one will hire me, i depend upon my parents and neither of my parents ever graduated college so they both have crappy dead end jobs that don't pay nearly the amount of money that is necessasary to put two girls though college because next year after i finish my senior year it wwill be both my sister and I going to college full time... I'm doomed to a life of payingoff student loans! As extreme as it seems, i think my only real option is to join up and have uncle sam pay for my college education. My entire family would throw histerics if they knew my plans for after high school... I want to join up. Actually, that is not true, i don't want to join up, i NEED to join up becasue i can't let my parents spend what little money they make on my college. My parrents need to keep their money so they can move away from this crappy apartment in this shitty neighborhood. I apologize for the rant but college tuition is going to be the death of me, seriously.

Other news, i think my friend is mad at me becasue i flaked on her but I'm fairly angry at her for getting upset with me because she is the biggest flake i have ever met. How can she not see that she is the pot and i'm the kettle in this situation?!?!?!?! What sucks even worse is that the way she acts and has the moral ridgity of a saint, makes it hard to be angry at her becasue she just makes everything just... ugh, i don't even know how to describe it. I haven't really seen her much since school got out for summer break and in all honesty, i'm slightly glad. I love her to death but i needed a break. I know her intentions are good but when i'm aound her i always feel like i have to be this person who is different then who i realy am and i've grow so tired of being fake. But thanks to her ability to make me feel guilty, i;d never be able to tell her. God, boys have it so fucking easy. Girls have all the problems, while boys just get to float though life with no real worries...

Well to end this post i think i'll tell you about the four awesome things that have been happening lately. First, My sister went with her friend to some lake so i get to experience only child life for a week and since she was going to a lake, it seemed dangerous for her to bring her new laptop along so i've been using it lately (i'm using it to write this actually) and i'm seriously falling ijn love with this little thing, i think it's a netbook or something. It'slike if a lap top had a baby! Second, due to my sisters absence, i've been spending quality time with my dad. We went and saw transformers two days ago, Wolverine yesterday, and Monsters vs. Aliens today. Out of my two parents i have a better relationship with my dad becasue he is calm, cool, and doesn't have the tendency to overreact to everything the same way my mother does... Third, i finally got around to adding some decorations to my room. I put up the black and clear stickers of the new york skyline and i got rid of some of the tacky stuff that was taking up space. I'm going to flip bopth my sisters comforter and mind becasue the undcerside is close to the room color theme i'm going for. I took down some of the posters in my room and i'm probably going to take down the Jonas Brothers one soon becasue I could have sworn that i saw kevin move his head towards me a few nights ago... Fourth and final, I just palyed Monopoly: The Simpsons with my mom and i was doing pretty well, then i was practically broke (i had like three bucks left) and then my amazing luck kicked in and in the end i owned almost every property and had a bunch of hotells. She was paying me hundreds of dollars everytime she rolled the dice. It was fantastic! I ended up winning (obviously) but a lot (again, obviously). It was fun, but i had forgotten how long it takes to finish one stinkin game of monopoly... that game lasted for about two and a half hours!

Okay that is all the rambling i can do for one night.
I'm too lazy to find a quote so i'll make it up right here, right now.
Actually, nevermind, i'll just leave you with two quotes from my dad from today.

Dad: Well i sure hope they finished this bridge (he says while driving over the bridge)

Dad: look, these eggs are from norco... Norco stinks... probably from all their chickens.

I hope you enjoyed that.
I'm actually feeling tired, maybe i'm exhausted from being overly competative for two and a half hours straight... but whatever.
Good night, my little puffins!
(no pic or quote today cuz im too damn lazy and it's too hard on this little laptop... sorry...)

Old friends and new problems

2009-07-09T22:10:00.001-07:00

Life has been good lately, in fact it has been quite amazing... I was starting to believe that everything was done and that i had finally paid for my mistakes, but as usual- i was wrong.
Due to my forgetful behavior, i left my cell phone charger at my friends house and took my sweet time in retrieving my charger. My near-constant use of my cell phone wore the battery out and i was left with no cell phone for two days but i had oter things on my mind so it didn't matter that much. My friend was going to go on vacation so i had to work out some logistics in getting my charger back but eventually i did so and i came home and immediately plugged in my phone. After getting distracted for a few hours a cell phone commercial reminded me about my charging cell phone so i went into my room and turned it on. Three missed calls from an unknown number and a few texts from my friends and a few texts from an unknown numbe, and one voicemail from an unknown number. After listening to the first milisecond of the voicemail, i erased it and immediately turned off my cell in a panic... I don't need my past to haunt me and having these people call me definitley counts as being haunted... Since listening to the voicemail and seeing the texts, i've been getting increasingly paranoid becasue the main issue is that my current living address is unknown to them and i want to keep it that way. I've decided that when i get a new cell phone for my birthday, i am going to get a new number becasue i'm done with these people and i think this is the only way to stop this once and for all. I want to tell my friends but it wouldn't bring any good... For once i'm going to take care of something on my own and not be such a big baby about it. I was stupid, i made a mistake, i paid for it, and now i'm finished.

So besides that i've been working on a few different projects. First of all, i'm redecoratio9ng my room and the color theme is royal blue, black, and white. I want it to be mature and feminine and me. Second, I'm writing a song about everything that's happened, its about 1/6th done... and last, i'm giving myself a complete renovation. I want to change everything about me, so far i'
ve changed my hair and some of my wardrobe. I'm tired of the skinny jeans, band t-shirt, hoodie that i wear all the time. I'm done with the wanna-be-scene-kid thing becasue that's not me. It's who i wanted to be (hence the "wanna-be"). I'm going in a more boho whatev dire3ction. If it's colorful and pretty and not too tight, i'll weaar it. I'm starting to like wearing dresses more and more. I want to dye my hair but i don;t know what color yet, and i want to try new hair styles. Basically, i want to just recreate who i am becasue as corny as it sounds i'm in the middle of a soul crisis. I have nop idea who i am, who i want to be, and what i want to do with my life and i've got to start making a lot of important choices about my future soon so i think it best to start the road to self-discovery asap...

Well as part of that journey i've been looking at colleges and the number one (well... number one realistic cuz my true number one is Cornell but i'll never get into there...) is *drumroll*

yes the winner is CSUMB... i think i may have already written something about that though or i'm just having a weird case of amnesia.

I finally got up the guts to cement my safety date to my senior prom in case i'm too much of a loser to get a date, and like a day after that, me and my safety got into a big fight and i've been worried that my safety isn't so cemented anymore but he just texted me randomly today and acted like nothing had happeed so i am pretty dang confused but whatever...

I applied for a job at seven different places- SEVEN FREAKING PLACES!!- and not a single one has contacted me... am i just so horribly unemployable that they don't want me or is the economy just the bad... or maybe it's both... this really isn't helping because i need to start helping my parents with the bills and i've got to pay for summer camp that my friend wants me to go to because she didn't know anyone last year when she went so she didn't like to go to the mess hall by herself so she didn't eat i can't let her just starve herself again this year but it's a lot of money and i'm freaking out...

For the first time in a long time i'm actually getting into shape again, i'm bike riding a lot, i'm swimming in my pool a lot, and i've been pretty active. Even though i haven't gone to play tennis with my dad in a while, i still feel pretty in shape. BUt my parents have been on my case a lot lately about not eating enough and losing too much weight. I'm over weight and i need to lose some pounds so i don't see the harm in skipping a few meals and trimming down meal portions if its going to help me out in the long run. I'll admit that i am very scarede becasue my family has a huge medical history of diabetes and i sooooooo can't get diabetes... I love food too much.

I think i'm finally becoming cute becasue even when i don't really try with my hair or make-up, guys seems are checking me out and even though i get all red and embarassed i will admit that i take it as a compliment... I used to take an ego blow anytime i was with my friend becasue she is wayyyyy prettier then i could be even on my best of days, but now even when i'm out with her, i'm finally getting looks too. I don't want to seem like i'm an attention whpore or something but it's nice just to know that males find you attractive...

My sister is away on vacation with her best friend so i get to experience single chile life for a while, and it's pretty sweet. Even in the completely insane chance that i miss her, i can just text her so it'snot like she died. But i'm using this week as practice for when she goes away for college, becasue it's seriously going to be like i'm an only child but actually that thought kind of scares me becasue with her gone, ny parentsare going to focusing all their attention on me and i don't think i can handle something like that.

That's all the ridiculous crap i can think of writing, and i apologize for being horrible about updating becasue i think i've stopped being daily and have now become monthly... well it's not like anyone reads this thing anyways...

"If you're feeling low, don't despair. The sun has a sinking spell every night, but it comes back up every morning. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Dolly Parton, Singer, What's Love got to do with it

Bella Noche!
Sincerely,
the temporary only child

2009-06-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have not even attempted to post even the most scanty and pitiful post in eons so I decided that I should take some time out of my busy schedule to sit down and recollect my thoughts and try to better myself with a bit of self-reflection. I'm writing this as I sit in my sixth period, while Mr. B is giving the freshies a lecture on fungi... yeah... Things have been so topsy turvy as of late. I can not recollect what I wrote in my last blog and this damn computer blocks any website with a blog so I can go and look at it so I’m just going to guess. Did I mention how I went to visit ASU??? Okay, so I went on a long trip with my father and sister to Arizona state university because she was really intent on going there and she had already gotten accepted- I think... The trip was fun but the car ride was torture, I just sat in the back and teetered the fine line between sleep and restlessness the entire time. There were not that many cute college boys but it didn't matter, because the entire time I was distracted because I was texting my friend/ ex-bf about his recent breakup with some hyper spazz girl that I never had much of a liking for. Since I was texting him and helping him entire time I was in ASU, I started to remember what it was about him that attracted me to him- his passion. It never ceases to amaze me at how passionate he is about everything, although I will admit that sometimes it gets a little annoying but when it comes to things like music, he passion is inspirational. I was really starting to fall for him again- and fall hard. I came home on the Sunday and bought Twilight on DVD and watched it with my sister. The following Monday I picked up my progress report because I had been on my trip when they were originally handed out. I opened the progress report and saw the scariest thing starting back at me. It was an F... my whole heart just sank... So I felt thing giant cloud descend upon me and it just countinued to grow as the day progressed because I knew that my parents would not be the least bit pleased with me. I was right- they took away my cell phone, they put me on probation, and a bunch of other horrible punishments as well. A few days later was April fools day... and un-known to me; it would be one of the most shocking days of my life thus far. My parents were being unusually quiet during dinner and I knew something was up the second they said they wanted to have a talk during dinner... "We have to move" my dad said gravely. "This is just a horrible April fool’s day joke, right?" "No" "oh" and I proceeded to lock myself in my room and cry. My house! It was my house and no one had the right to take it away from me. I didn’t blame my parents because I could see how much it hurt them to have to mover out of our house. My dad set the day that we would have to be out of the house and into a new apartment. It was three weeks away and everyday was a getting harder and harder to come to terms with the fact that things were about to change.

Wow… I totally wrote that a week ago but haven’t had time to finish it, so I’ll try to finish and post it today, so I see where I left off in my blog so I’ll just start from there because I think you get the big idea of what has been happening.

So far things have been less then smooth between me and Melissa; we’ve been hanging out and things are getting better but neither of us is ready to just forget the past yet. I think our biggest step towards becoming closer was the AP English literature and composition entrance exam because I had no ride to the school to take it so I had to spend the night at her house. It was like old times, we were just goofing around and eating chocolate and then we were complaining about how her dog’s incessant barking. And we have been hanging out most days after school whether it be at her house, Alyssa’s house or Sarah’s house. The biggest issue lately was my Spanish video project that took forever to film because I had the flakiest actors and I’m the craziest direction/ videographer/ editor/ script writer/ actor… so things got really intense and me and Melissa got into a very odd fight about food and other odd things so we didn’t talk to each other for around three or four days but then she had a concert coming up so I decided that we would just forget about it… and then it happened… me, Melissa, Sarah, and Alyssa were just hanging out and downtown Disney and due to some unfortunate events I was late for curfew… by forty minutes. My dad over-reacted and grounded me for two months. I put up one hell of a fight every time they tried to enforce it because in the end I had no reason to be blamed- it took forever to get on the tram, it took a while to get to Melissa’s car and we hit traffic. Do I have control over traffic??? NO, I DON’T!!! But whatever… I have been starting to lose my patience with my parents lately because they are overreacting to everything, they yell at me for everything, they nag me about everything, and they seem do be do9ing things with the pure intent of making me unhappy and it would be a flat out lie to say it isn’t working. A few nights ago I had a surge of anger with them and I was on the verge of just getting up and running away but my friend talked me out of it and that is when I came up with a plan, it’s not just a plan, it’s The plan…I have decided to use my resources for my advantage. I already have a bedroom set up in my grandparents house (it’s a long story why and I’ll save it for another day) and I know that they would be perfectly happy if I went to live with them, and after a quick discussion, my assumption was correct. I know it may seem evil but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, I am now using my escape to my grandparents’ house as blackmail over my parents. When they get to unbearable I just now have to mention something about moving into my grandparents’ house and they crumble into my hands. I swear not to abuse my new found power and will only make use of it when I feel that I am on the verge of having a mental breakdown, because I’ve had them before… it isn’t fun… SO my two month ground has now become a two week grounding which is ending after today.

Lately I’ve had a crap load of homework and assignments because it’s almost the end of the school year (yay!) so I’ve been under a bunch of stress (boo!) but jus this morning I took the ACT test at my school and last Saturday I took the SAT at Valley Christian high school, where I lost my i.d. card (sigh…) and to make matters worse, I have a fine left over from last semester of drumline so I couldn’t get my yearbook on Thursday but someone was going to call and defer the payment but they never did so I couldn’t get it Friday either… so I’m going to have to wait until Monday to get mine which really kind of sucks but I’m playing it off as not giving a crap…

My Spanish grade is now a solid ‘C’ YAY! So I get to keep my cell phone which means I get to upgrade to a new cell phone for my birthday. I’m uuber excited…

I’ve been making plans… great amazing plans… plans to go on the vaca of a lifetime… with my best friends… it’s going to be amazing so I pray to god that everything works out… it won’t take place until Christmas break but I can wait. It is just going to be me and my three hooligans… yay!

Oh but I do have some bad news to share, my grandmothers brother died a few weeks ago… I didn’t really know him but it hurts me to see my grandmother grieving. On a slightly more selfish note, I found out that the jaw surgery that my sister got last summer and that I was supposed to get this summer isn’t going to happen because the crack pot of an orthodontist that I have says that I’m not ready which means I’ll have to do it during the summer after my senior year which means that I have to waste most of the last summer I’ll ever have with my friends before our lives really start, by sitting in a hospital with a swollen face that will make me looking like a freaking chipmunk… I am not looking forward to that at all.

White walls. White walls. White walls… the entire apartment has white walls and we aren’t allowed to paint them, so I’m gong to just put up a crap load of posters and I’m going to re-theme my room is black/blue/ and magazine.“Sabrina… what could you possibly mean by magazine???”I’m glad you asked. Ever heard of decoupage, me neither, until my dad told me about it. You cut out pictures from magazines and you use a special glaze to make it stick to a flat surface… So I’m going to decoupage my dresser and a few other parts of my room and I’m gong to get new bed stuff, new curtains, and a new cover for the make-up table.

Although this apartment is ridiculously tiny, it has potential, maybe…

So my latest AP English class assignment was to research colleges and I did, and the five I chose to research (in order from reach school to fall back): Cornell University, Northern Michigan University, California state University of Monterey Bay, Eastern Washington University, and California State University of Fresno…

I don’t want to go to Cornell, I need to go to Cornell… but my GPA is not really as high as the usual but I will remain hopeful but right now the college that I’m 85% sure that I am going to attend is CSMB, which is very nice. My cousin went there for her freshmen year about two years ago and she had a good time and she learned a lot. I’m not sure what I want to major in yet so that really didn’t help in picking which colleges I wanted to look into because I’m still debating between becoming a cinematographer or a veterinarian… so I tried to choose colleges that offered both majors…

Okay, my hands are begging to feel the burn from typing so much so I think I’ll stop here… thank you for listening to me rant about my life…

OMG i almost forgot to mention my totally awesome new hair cut... yes, i got a totally awesome new hair cut, thanks for noticing!! Everyday i feel more and more like a scene kid, all i need is a vest, a head band, and more big worded t-shirts... I'm too harsh on my own people...

“Nature shows suck ass, though cobras are pretty sweet. Pretty much any animal that has a gang named after it is pretty bad ass. I would go for an animal combo, like a bear that carried a cobra -- total unstoppable force. Give that thing wings and humanity is f***ed.” - Pete Wentz

Catch you on the flip side...
- Sabrina <33

impacted

2009-04-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

I should be happy.
Really.
But true to my most recent tradition:
I can’t be happy.
Something always happens.
My life is starting to feel like an episode of Rosalinda.
I’ll give you an overview of how things have been lately so you can understand why I am moping like a whiny child. I know it’s been a while since my last post but I’ll do my best to catch you up without going into any unnecessary rants.
Mel and I have been doing pretty good. We’ve been texting and hanging out. But she had to leave on Thursday (I think) to go to the Jazz Festival in Reno, Nevada. I have been hanging out with Sarah a ton lately. I went to her house on Wed before church, we went to the media in art room for lunch on Thursday, I hung out with her after school before going to the school play “Witness for the Prosecution” and then ended up spending the night at her house [along with Nikki and Alyssa] and then stayed over until noon on Saturday. Yeah, we hang out too much because I’m starting to talk like her more and more. After my dad picked me up from her house on Saturday, he took me to my grandparent’s house where I fell asleep for a few hours until it was time to go to a family party for some little kid named Carlos. I’m not exactly sure how I’m related to them but all that mattered was that family parties always result in one excellent thing, FOOD! Apparently I have a relative that goes to my high school that I had never met before so my grandma was adamant that she introduce us and make us become buddies so as soon as we get to the party my grandma finds Tommy and brings him over to my sister and I and introduces us. After saying hello, there was an awkward silence from all parties involved until it was time to grab some delicious food. I was very disappointed ion my family because I was under the belief that with so many Mexicans in one place, there was bound to be a taco lady and some bomb Mexican food but they had white people food- hamburgers and hotdogs. Really? We have to put up with white people all the time and eat their gross food; we should be able to have our own delicious cultural meals when we have family parties. But I ate my hamburger with as much joy as I could muster. After talking to various family members whose names I can never remember (but they always remember mine…) my grandpa wanted to leave so Amelia and I left with him. I hung out at my grandparent’s house for a while until my dad picked me up and I went home. I’m not sure what I did but I pulled various muscles all over my body and they were now killing me, so I downed some Advil and chilled on the couch for a while. I eventually talked my dad into watching Twilight because he had never seen it before. Everyone got situated on the couch and we started watching it, but not before Legally Blonde had ended on FX. My breath still gets taken away when you see Edward walk into the cafeteria for the first time. I was practically falling asleep from exhaustion so as soon as the movie ended, I went to my room and was out like a light. So that was last night… right? Okay so this morning I had to get up and do the whole morning routine (eat, get dressed, make-up, hair, etc.) and got in the car to go to school. Most of the way to school, my dad’s cell rang so I answered it for him since he was driving. It was my grandma. Her brother died last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Another death? So soon? Why? At school all I could think about was how close we all are to death and it really scared me. Today was fairly hazy because I was off in my own thoughts for most of it. Mel gave me a gift from her trip to Reno- a really pretty necklace that has a guitar on it. I came home and played around on my guitar, did some homework, and watched TV. I have things to do but today is just not a day to be doing things. I need to wallow in my own self insignificance and mortality for a few days before I can move on. This has incited a round of depression that I won’t soon forget. I need to go take some Advil…

Bye.

The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life.

Albert Einstein

Thngs will change for me

2009-04-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

Yet again, Panic at the Disco says the words that I can never seem to find. I’m not going to go into detail about why that is relevant but I will tell you about this very… different… day. First period- slept. Second- took tests. Third- played pranks on a dumb kid. Fourth- drew doodles. Fifth- actually learned… sixth- ditched TA and went to hang out with my hommies in the drumline before they leave for finals in Dayton, Ohio tomorrow. So I was chillin' with my people, just talking about weird random things, (mostly about why Ryan B. looks like a squirrel if you squint your eyes and turn your head slightly to the left…) when my sister calls me over to her and hands me this red envelope.

“whats this?”

“something for you.”

“is it from you?”

“no.”

“who is it from?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“uh… okay” I said before stuffing it into my backpack.

So my mind was far away thinking about a billion other things when suddenly I remembered about the envelope. So I decided to talk to my friend and ask him if he knew about the envelopes origin. I told him about the situation, while TBIL was at his locker, and I kept an eye on TBIL to see if he was listening to my conversation and I saw him remove a green folder from his locker and put it in his backpack, shuffle around in his backpack, and put the green folder back into the locker. Suspicious much? Yes. After TBIL left, I focused more on what my friend was saying and realized that he seemed to know who it was from. After failed attempts to pull the name from him, he left when Sarah came to my locker. I immediately told her and she seemed just as clueless as I was. I opened the envelope and saw inside were two CD’s and two pieces of paper. My current theory was that it was my ex boyfriend because he had been acting suspicious lately. I tried to forget about it for a while as I chatted with Sarah and her friend about going to her friend’s church tomorrow night. I finally parted from them and walked alone in silence down the two blocks to the car. These thoughts that were ranging from bad to extreme were running through my head, what if it was my ex-boyfriend telling me that he hated me, what if it was one of my best friends blasting me, what if it was a creeper that had video taped me changing and wanted to send the tape to me. I was on the verge of breaking down from stress before I even reached the car. Upon getting into the back seat of the car, I begin badgering my sister and telling her that she needs to tell me who gave it to her, or I might just have a mental breakdown right then and there. She finally blurted out who it was from. I sat motionless in the backseat. Was I hearing correctly? Did she really just say that it was her? Why did she want to talk to me? Had I some how made things even worse? Had I fucked up everything more then before? I was already mentally preparing myself for the worst. The entire drive home, I was dead silent. As soon as we parked in the driveway, I slowy got out of the car, walked to the computer room and put the DVD in the disk drive. I sat down and watched what lay in store for me.

It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. She wrote a song called dear friend and she put it to a slideshow of all the pictures that we have taken over the years. I was crying, and for the first time in a very very long time, they weren’t tears of sorrow. When the song and slideshow ended, I became silent again. What am I supposed to do now? Does she even want me to do anything? All these questions are flying around my head and I have no clue what to do. I have homework and I’m going out to dinner with some family friends tonight, so I can’t stay here and collect my thoughts. Maybe I’ll take my notebook with me and just write what comes to my head.

I guess I’ll keep you updated on what unravels. Oh and a quick question to the follower guy (I only have one, so you know who you are…) do I know you? I mean, its totally cool if I don’t know you but I just want to make sure that I’m not telling my personal stuff to someone who actually knows who these people are that I’m talking about.

But anyways... places to go, people to see, things to think, and calming breaths to breathe.

This is the happy place that I escape to in my mind. You really should come visit when ever you have the time. There isn't candy, rainbows, or any of that stuff. It's almost like the real world, just minus the hate and... everybody else. In my happy place, I’m usually by myself, just sitting under the many trees. You're welcome to come and take a seat in the shade next to me. Bring your favorite book because nothing beats the comfortable silence that fills my happy place when I read a wonderful book. When I need to collect my thoughts, I take a notebook with me to the happy place and that comfortable silence is filled with the quaint sound of pen scratching ink onto paper. Your welcome to gave a notebook and share some of your writings with me under the trees that shade me from so much more then the sun. Sometimes when I need to calm down, I take nothing with me to the quiet place, and the comfortable silence is once again in place and I stare out into the jungle and just think about how much greater all that creation is then I. You are welcome to come and relax with me under these great protectors that have an age beyond that of numbers. Next time I take a trip to my happy place, I’ll be sitting and hoping that I will see you coming out of the flora and perch next to me. We don't need to talk. We don't need to fill the silence because ultimately- it’s the lack of any sound that draws me to it. We don't need to set a time for when we arrive or when we leave because in the happy place, time is useless. No wants exist in the happy place beyond the want to never leave. No needs exist in the happy place because what more could be of want in a place of pure perfection? So next time you feel the need to escape to a place where you can find solace, peace, love, and creativity, come visit me in the happy place. Even if I’m not there, my happy place is always open to you as a sanctuary from life. My happy place does change, but only because I have changed. I love my happy place because it is me. It is the me I was. It is the me I am. It is the me I will be. It is the me I hope to be. I wish I could live in the happy place...

Oh god. I should have left twenty mins ago but i just started writing a poem and couldn't stop... ugh.

okay, I'm serious this time.

bye.

echo

2009-04-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

I was laughing when I discovered that my now empty computer room has an echo now, but then I stopped. The symbolism is killing me… This house is becoming so reflective of me. It was so full and now it’s empty and the old is being throw away and new things are being bought, and we’re starting over in a new place with new walls, with new doors, with new everything. I was really miserable, then I was in denial, then I was angry, and now… now I’m numb to the whole moving thing. Someone very close to me gave me the best advice I’ve received all year and that was, “the great memories you had at your house, well, it wasn’t the house that made the memories, it was the people and as long as you still have the memories then you still have the home in your heart.” Maybe whoever came up with that ‘home is where the heart is’ line wasn’t as cheesy as I had previously thought. Now that I’m aware of how soon we’re moving, I’ve realized something very important- I haven’t packed anything, aside from the posters on the wall and some of my various journals and notebooks. The procrastinator in me is at full power. On Friday night around midnight and I’m sure even until the moving trucks come, I’m still going to be throwing all my shit into boxes. A big reason I hate moving- I always forget what boxes have what stuff in them, so knowing how much of a bitch life really is, as soon as all my boxes are taped up and in the truck, I’m going to need something and I will have absolutely no idea where it is. That is going to suck.

Oh I almost forgot- I hope everyone had an enjoyable Easter. I had a good one. I somehow stretched out getting ready for like five hours and then I went to church. My dad thought it would be funny to go to the mass that was entirely en espanol… yeah… I was so confused. I may be in Spanish 4 but I seriously know around maybe 50 to like 60 words and that really isn’t enough to have a very in depth conversation with anyone. I’m actually pretty good at understanding people but responding is where I get a little messed up.

Today was the the first day of school after returning from spring break, so naturally everyone was really out of it and only wanted to go back home and have a longer break. I was pretty lucky since I was able to avoid receiving any spring break homework in any of my classes but since I was so lucky during break, I already received a ton of homework for tonight. Oh what I would do to just have it be summer break already…

My spring break was… boring. I moped around a lot and allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for a few days, and on Friday I went with my cousin and my grandpa and saw the Hannah Montana movie which I personally thought was pretty good. The main guy looks a lot cuter in the movie then he does in the poster I have of him… On Saturday, I went with Sarah and Angie (and my parents L ) to see my sister perform her drumline show at the SCPA final in Temecula. It was a pretty long car ride but me and Sarah were talking or listening to music the whole time there and me and Angie were writing notes back and forth the entire way back. On Sunday, I got up, took five hours to get ready, went to mass en espanol, and then went to my Grandparents house for an Easter party. We had steak, but honestly meat makes me feel sick. (I’ll leave me meat consumption rant for another time) Then we had an egg hunt. I’ve never claimed to be a good egg hunter, so needless to say- I lost… even to my sixth grade cousin… I had this sudden wave of depression come on closer to the end of the party so I retreated to my bedroom (for clarification: yes, I have two bedrooms, one at my house and one at my grandparents house) and cried on my bed for a while until they finally noticed my absence from their happy little group and sent my cousin to find me. I lied to her about having a headache so that she wouldn’t start to question why I was crying. They left me alone for a while but eventually my grandma came and gave me another talk about trying to be happy. I love my grandma to death, I really do, but they just don’t understand that when I’m in my depression moods, I am incapable of just pulling myself out of them, because it’s an involuntary thing. I don’t control the moods, they control me. Upon returning home, I laid on my bed, still wearing my dress and leggings and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about how things could be worse. My parents came into my room to ask me to start packing but they suddenly become all… weird and fake… with these really creepy smiles because I guess they figured what type of mood I was in. I hate when they do that because it just makes me feel like I’m a mental case. Yes, I acknowledge that I have mental issues but they need to really learn how to deal with me… oh god. I’m making myself out to sound like I’m talking about some sort of weird skin disease or something that people just need to “deal with.”

I was just not in the mood for dealing with people at school today so I was extra quiet in all my classes today. I can list the only people I spoke to today: Nikki, Heidi, Sarah, Angie, and Amelia. Today was more of a written words day. Sometimes I just can not put my thoughts into actual words that come out of my mouth because I doubt their importance but whenever I take the time to write things out, their importance always seems to rise up immensely. I’ve really been itching to write a short story or a new poem lately but every time I get a chance, something comes up.

I’ve decided that there are something’s that I do not want to go into detail about but I want to write them down, so I’m going to keep it simple and bullet point the main ideas:

- I have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend (again…)

- My self-hate has been flaring up again lately

- I’m so confused by how TBIL has been acting

- It still hurts me when I see him and his little arm candy (but it hurts less then before…)

- I miss my cyber stalker… (I can’t help that I liked the attention…)

- I’ve come up with a new way to lose weight (I’m only allowing myself to eat breakfast and lunch. No dinner or snacks.)

Okay, I think that wraps up what has been on my mind lately. Thanks for sticking around and actually reading all my ramblings…

Pete Wentz is my hero.

He doesn't know me but

he understands me better

then my own family ever

has or ever will...

I need to go and finish my homework...

p.s.

My total favorite band of the month!!

My fave song is 'Black Cat'

sorry... I'm like picture obsessed today...

Irrationality

2009-04-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided to devote an entire post to my stupid irrational fears from past to present. Everyone has them so don’t you dare laugh at me.

Okay…

1. I’m convinced that all spiders want to kill me and will stop at nothing to bite me…

2. I will avoid being near a horse because I saw this show a long time ago where a horse kicked a sheep’s head off and now I’m scared a horse is going to kick my head off…

3. I try ridiculously hard not to go into the bathroom at night because its just eerie…

4. I’m tense the entire time I’m in home depot because I’m constantly afraid that the big heavy stuff on the very top of the aisles is going to topple over & fall on me…

5. anytime I enter a room at night that has the lights off, I always assume that there is a killer in there who is going to kill me before I can even turn on the lights…

6. When I’m at home and I hear a plane flying overhead, I get really scared because I think that the plane is going to crash into my house…

7. I always check the toilet bowl before I sit down because I’m paranoid that an alligator is going to climb up the pipes and into my toilet and bite my butt…

8. I’m super careful when I use the blow-dryer because I’m scared that my hair is going to get caught & catch fire & I’ll end up looking like a burn victim/cancer survivor…

9. I always act more pro-government then I really am when I’m on the phone because I’m scared that the government is monitoring my conversations…

10. I always check under my covers before I go to bed because I always think that I’m going to one day find a serial killer under the sheets just waiting to kill me…

Now that you’ve gotten a good look at my insanity, I think I’m going to head off to bed.

G’night.

p.s.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

2009-04-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

I deserved a break and finally, I got one. I went to my aunt and uncles house and did things that normal teenage girls should be doing- gossiping, watching TMZ, talking about boys, going shopping, and getting Jamba Juice. For the first time in forever, I felt like me. I was laughing, I was cracking jokes, I was happy. Of course there were times (mostly during lunch) when we started talking about the more painful subjects but my aunt never pressured me into talking, she left it all open for me. I said what I wanted to, and I admit that I edited my words with her but I didn’t want to hurt her with what I’m really feeling and thinking. Its just so calming to be around my aunt and talk because she has six very important advantages that others lack:

1) She understands because she has had a little bit of depression.

2) She has no ulterior motive to listening to me spill my guts.

3) She has the best anecdotes that always make me feel better.

4) She never judges me

5) She never gets upset with me when i slip up

6) She never throws my mistakes back in my face

So it was nice spending the day with her and getting to just be me without having to really worry about saying certain things or doing certain things. We have very similar tastes and she has always been almost a mother figure for me. I ended up taking her to see my new apartment. I told her straight out what I thought about it without feeling the guilt I would have had if I told me dad. I cried so many times today but she always was patient and knew when to stay quiet and when to say something to cheer me up. She has the best advice that I always use.

I’ve been having the hardest time lately because of my depression, a.d.d., weak immune system (so near-constant colds), and moving so this mini vacation was something I needed and I’m truly grateful I got it.

I think I really need to add something about what happened last night… I was having an okay day but last night when I was talking to some people over aim and Facebook chat, I got some horrible news that I wish I could share but I cant, and I felt like I was at the beach and I was too far out and this gigantic wave took over me, except I wasn’t at the beach. I was at home and that wave was a new surge of depression. I did a very unacceptable action, again, and I chugged cold medicine and collapsed onto my bed. Part of me wants to say I regret it, but I don’t. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I want to say that I won’t ever do it again, but I know I will. I want to say that I was miserable, but I wasn’t- it was the first time in two months that I got an entire night of sleep (the whole night of sleep that I got two months ago was also from cold medicine consumption…). It’s the best kind of sleep- the dreamless kind. I’m getting so fucking sick of those horrible dreams, but the worst thing is that the dreams themselves aren’t horrible at all. The dreams are perfect, my life is perfect, I have all my friends, I have all my family, and I’m completely happy and then I have to wake up and remember that it was just a dream and that everything is not perfect but is infact a gigantic mess.

I think my current “escapes” are becoming less effective… Listening to music no longer helps my soul, taking a long shower no longer relaxes my muscles, playing my guitar no longer distracts my brain completely leaving a bit of it to wander into the dark and unwanted territory of bad thoughts and memories. It’s kind of like gateway drugs, isn’t it? These “escapes” are like the drugs that I have become accustomed to so they no longer have their full affect so need a stronger ‘drug.’ What about baking? I heard that helps. No… I’m too lazy for that. Real drugs? No… I’m too poor for that. A boyfriend? Oh I would feel so horrible for any boy that got mixed into my issues right now. I’m running out of ideas. Maybe I could actually focus on school? Yeah right! I guess for now I’ll just stick to moping and crying when I’m alone and keep practicing that fake smile, because obviously, it’s becoming more and more convincing. I’m going to go and figure out how much a funeral costs as another way to keep myself from going over the edge, but honestly, suicide is becoming a more appealing escape everyday.

-bye

non existent

2009-04-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

My energy.

It’s non existent.

I sleep during most classes.

I sleep in the car.

I sleep at home.

I’m still tired.

Maybe it’s stress.

Maybe it’s lack of exercise.

Maybe it’s from my current DGAF outlook on life.

Anyway you look at it,

It comes down to this:

My outside read assignment is due tomorrow

I have no idea what I’m doing

I pretty plagiarized a bunch

What wasn’t plagiarized-

For lack of a better term

…sucks ass…

So now I have two options.

Give up and go to bed and get an F

Sit here for hours and still have nothing

Resulting anyways in an F.

I wish I was brave enough to ask

To ask that kid

Ask him if he will clarify

Because I’m utterly confused

But sadly, he is way to cool

I feel way to weird being such a loser

And talking to such a cool kid

I’m sure he’s nice

His character isn’t in question

I’m just intimidated

That F is looking better and better

A.D.D. doesn’t help.

I can’t concentrate on this.

I can’t concentrate on anything.

Ever.

Well, I feel a wave of depression

It’s coming my way.

Well I’m glad I got a few hours away.

-bye

I’ll figure this out someday

2009-04-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe I’ll just stay right here for the rest of my days. What is the point in getting up if it means facing the failures that follow me like a dark raincloud bent on making me unhappy? Oh look, it’s the kid down the street who I used to play with when I was younger. When I was happier. He looks different. Maybe it’s the muscles he’s gotten, or a perhaps I’m just realizing how much of a growth spurt he has had. We used to be inseparable. Never parting until our mother forcibly took us back home for such nonsense as baths and bed time. Now when I see him, about once every few months, we exchange a quick head nod before going on with our own lives. I remember his carefree attitude, does he remember mine? Do I remember mine? Now I’m staring at the old photographs in my hands. Who is that smiling child? It can’t be me, can it? I give up and throw the pictures across the room and watch as they slowly drift to the floor. There’s the wall I would always tape all my new posters and my collages that I created out of the latest AP ma gazine issues. It’s still covered, but it won’t be for long. In a matter of days that wall is going to be blank. This room is going to empty. Those pictures, now lying on the other side of the room, are going to be packed up into a box and placed in some cheap self-storage unit. I can’t take all thes e soon-to-be-gone memories staring at me. I escape to the bathroom and sit on the lid of the toilet seat. My bedroom used to be a sanctuary where I could retreat but now I only feel a quiet nagging depression when I enter it. The bathroom is now my new sanctuary. Sure, it’s nowher e near as comfortable and it is always freezing. I watch as goose bumps form on my arms. I hug them to me and sit there quietly, pretending that everything is perfectly fine. I stare at the ugly pealing wall paper that lines the walls. As ugly as it is, I’m going to miss it. I listen carefully and hear only my own breathing and a continuous leak from the bathtub. Drip. My ability to cope is running low. Drip. I need an escape. Drip. One that is father then just the bathroom. Drip. Suddenly. Drip. The. Drip. Noise. Drip. Is. Drip. Too. Drip. Much. Drip. I run out of the bathroom and decide to go with my backup plan for times like this. I grab cold medicine and take a big swallow from the bottle. I slowly make my way to my bed. I lay down. Still wearing the clothes I wore to school. I try to just clear my mind. It’s a fruitless effort. Before I begin to delve into my own dark mind, the drug induced sleep put me out of my misery for another few precious hours.

-bye

Intense

2009-03-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

If you read my last post, you know that I’m going through a lot right now, and that really isn’t all of the drama, but some things that have been going on aren’t my problems to say but the problems of those around me and how its hurting me. I didn’t want to say this in my last post but I think I should share it as a way of getting it off of my shoulders. During the very dark period of my depression, I wrote a suicide letter that I was going to leave by my bed before I killed myself. The phase passed before I acted on that dark impulse. I’m not sure why, but I never deleted the letter. When things recently got overwhelming again and I relapsed into depression, I came so close to printing out the note and finally ending my life. This time I was too angry to realize how I would hurt those around me, so I added another hateful paragraph. I’m not going to say some dopey thing about how ‘I’ve seen the light’ and that I’m never going to kill myself, because I honestly don’t think it’s the kind of promise I can make at this point in my life. Yeah, I’ll get over this round of depression, but what about the next time? Or the time after that? Who am I to say that I know I’m going to be strong enough to face my obstacles? Only god knows how long I’m going to be here. So as part of the sharing process, I’ll paste in my letter. Please know that I don’t mean a lot of what I wrote and if you are someone I’m very close to, I suggest that you don’t read it, I don’t want to make you upset.

I’m done. I just can’t handle this. I’m a screw up and I will be my entire life, so why continue the charade that I’ll move over this? I’m this dark cloud that is ruining the lives of those around me, so it’s probably for the best if I remove myself from your society. I can’t write that I’ll miss you all because I hope that I won’t because I want to move on and be in a happier place free from regret, misery, and stupidity. I’ve always been that kind of forgettable person, so I urge that you just forget about me and live better, happier lives. I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve done, and I’m sorry I couldn’t apologize for it before my death but I just could never say the words with my mouth, so I say them here with this keyboard.

I didn’t want to guilt trip anyone but I don’t want people to be asking “why did she kill herself?” I’ll tell you why. I made mistakes, we all do, but I made the mistake of never learning from mine, and for that I take most of the blame for my need to die, but there are people out there who share the blame. I blame Grandma Snow for fucking up my mother’s childhood, and consequently fucking up my mom’s entire life. I know that’s she’s dead, but I don’t care. She was a fucking slut with no fucking clue on how to raise children. Next, I blame my mother. She knows that she needs to see a therapist but she just won’t and that makes me so miserable. She’s always saying how her mother made her life miserable, well you know what mom? You made my life miserable. You’re mean, rude, and ignorant. The rest of the blame that isn’t taken by me, my mother, or her mother, belongs to the entire fucking world. Your corruption, your hate, your cruelty has made a generation of fucking arrogant, stupid, dipshits. I’m so glad that I finally can stop being so worried, so nervous, so depressed, so… everything but happy. I need to make my final rest. Goodbye.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone in that letter. I wish you could understand how I felt/feel, but then again, I would never ever ever ever wish this kind of self-torture even on the devil himself. There are a lot of things that I would have taken out and some things I should have said, so part of me is glad that I haven’t done anything irrational as of yet. I don’t want to die, with this horrible paper as the last thing I wrote. I would at least like to go out with a bang and have people admire what I wrote. Sorry, that was a very sick thing for me to have written. I’m so glad that none of my family knows about my blog, or else they would send me to the crazy house. I’m not crazy, I just have a mental imbalance. I didn’t want this to be disturbing, just informative and enlightening as to the current way I see life. So on a scale of 1 to 20, where 1 is where I was already dead from suicide and 20 being that I think I’m going to explode from joy, I’d say I’m at like a 2.5 That’s a much better improvement from the 1.1 I was a couple of days ago. My goal for the end of this year is to reach the seven, or eight mark, but I’m not going to hold my breath for something like that.

I don’t want to over-do the whole suicide talk, so I’m going to start writing an essay that is due on Friday for my English class.

-bye.

p.s. maybe i'll go check out the twloha site later...

Worst Week Ever

2009-03-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

I’m so sorry that I haven’t been posting lately but as stated in the title, I had the worst week ever. I’ll back track all the way to last Friday. I left school early, went to the orthodontist and drove out to Arizona to visit ASU because that’s the school where my older sister wants to attend. My mom didn’t go because she doesn’t like driving through the desert so it was just me, dad, and my sis. It was pretty fun- I slept most of the car ride, I got to see tons of hot college boys, I got to get a taste of what college life is going to be like, and I got to go swimming in the hotel pool. So then we came home in the later half of Sunday afternoon.

Since I had left school early on Friday, I wasn’t present to receive my 6-week progress report so I got it Monday during fourth period. Shaking, I opened the progress report and right there staring me in the face was:

“Spanish 4 _____________________ F”

Shit.

I suddenly lost all the happiness I had gained from my trip to Arizona. I was just praying that my parents would forget to ask me about it and I could buy some time and rise up my grade and show them a new higher grade before they saw that abomination of a report card. I was really starting to think I had made it into the clear for the day, because I was preparing to spend the night at my grandmother’s house and my dad and sister were getting ready to return home when out of the blue my dad looks at me and says, “Where’s your progress report?” I froze. After freaking out for a few seconds I looked at my dad and said, “I don’t think you want to see it…” Needless to say, he was worried. I handed him the report card. “You can’t spend the night,” he said shaking his head. “Yeah, I figured as much,” I said picking my stuff back up and heading out to the car. Later that night, my mom bursts into my room, “Where’s your report card?” “It’s in my backpack.” “Go get it,” she said before stomping away back to the den to watch more TV shows way too loudly. I slowly got up and grabbed both my cell phone and my progress report. I quickly sent Sarah a “this is goodbye” text and went into the den. I handed my mom both my phone and my progress report at the same time, because I knew it was coming anyways. “Oh god,” she said before even opening the progress report. I darted back into my room before she could say anything else.

Tuesday was uneventful and gloomy, but Wednesday was worse. I didn’t go to first and second period because I had a meeting with my mental health doctor. She talked with me and my dad and we decided to put me back on ADD medicine and to leave the anti-depressants in place. Later that day when I was a home taking my shower, my mom comes into the bathroom. “Do you know what’s happening tomorrow?” she boomed. “…no…” I replied slowly. “Oh. Well, you’re dad is going to take the day off of work tomorrow and he is going with you to all of your classes and he is going to observe you.” She said quickly. I was paralyzed. “What?” I said in disbelief. “You heard me,” she yelled before leaving and slamming the bathroom door behind her. I couldn’t think, my brain was this cloudy haze. How the hell could they possibly do this to me? I have depression for crying out loud, how in the fucking hell would this make anything better. I started hyper ventilating so I didn’t move from the shower for twenty minutes and it would have been much longer but yet again my mom barged in yelling, “You have homework, pull your shit together.” “Okay,” I replied in a shaky voice. I got out of the shower and was trying to do my hair but my hands were cramping from the stress and wouldn’t open up from this balled/fist position. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. After what seemed like an eternity, I finished my hair and went to start my hw. My sister was on the couch and all I said was, “I can’t open my fists,” before bursting out again into sobs. “I can’t do this” I said through the tears and I darted for the front door. I didn’t give a fuck that I was only in my pajamas; I wanted to get as far the hell away from my mentally insane mother and my spineless father. My sister was faster then me and blocked the door. She ushered me into our bedroom but before she could get out one single sympathetic word, my mom had sped over and was now yelling at me for “putting on theatrics.” Excuse me? Theatrics? I couldn’t breathe from the stress! I’ve never been stressed to a point where I can’t breathe or where my hand cramp up. Until now. She kicked my sister out of the room and got a wet face towel and threw it at my face. “Clean up then start your homework,” she commanded before again retiring to her fucking cave. I took some deep breaths and tried some stress relieving exercises but nothing worked. I somehow managed to finish my math homework. By then both my sister and my dad had gone to bed, and my mom was sitting on the couch in the living room watching me like a hawk, or better yet, like my fucking warden. I made up some bull shit ‘English assignment’ I had to do to give me an excuse to go on the computer. No one I could release this stress to was online. I have never felt so alone then I did at that hour. I tried to play some games to calm me down, and I could feel sleep getting its grip on me so I surrendered and went to bed. Then next morning I wake up at my grandma’s house after my dad drops me and my sister off. My grandma comes in to my room quietly, as to not wake Amelia, and she just held my hand while I cried. When it was time to start getting up to get ready for school, I had gotten a lot of the crying out of me, or so I thought. I ate my pancake slowly and just ranted to my grandma about how much I hate both my parents and how they don’t understand a damn thing about me. Not understanding me is one thing, but thinking they know me completely and are so utterly wrong in their minds about who I am is a completely different thing. I just kept going on and on about how I just want high school to be over so I can just leave them behind and try to have a better life somewhere else. My grandma just sat there and listened to me rant, which I am beyond grateful for. I got dressed and was getting ready. There was a tense air in the room because there was nothing that my sister could say to make things better and we both knew it. I got in the car and my grandpa drove us to school. When we pulled up in front of the school, my heart just dropped. My thoughts were, “damn, I really couldn’t work up the guts to run away, I’m a coward.” I paused until my grandpa lightly nudged me and I got out of the car. I was dead silent as I went with my sister to her locker and proceeded to mine. I silently waited for first period to start. I silently sat in my seat and gripped my desk as I saw my dad walk into the classroom. He said a quick word to Mr. Carlson and sat down in the empty desk behind me. He sat there the entire period. Neither of us said a word. After an eternity the bell finally rang and I escaped to talk to Nikki. I immediately inform her of the situation and all she could say was, “that sucks.” So we talked normally but there was an invisible rain cloud over us both. I got to English and sat down and started talking to the girl that sits next to me. I was doing anything in my power to distract me from the eyes that were going to follow me for the rest of the day. Second period finally ended, my computer was being god awfully slow that day so I was the last to leave, so upon seeing my English teacher alone, I spilled out, “I can’t even think, this is too much pressure.” She immediately walked over to me and said that when my counselor had called her to inform her about my Dads visit today, she said that she felt so bad for me. She was telling me that I’m never a bad influence during class and that the only part where I fail is in the completion of my homework. I saw Nikki waiting outside for me so I thanked my teacher but before I went outside, she told me that she is there to talk to me anytime I need it. I thanked her again and walked with Nikki. We met up with Sarah and I started crying again as I told her about the days situation. Again all she could really say was, “that sucks.” I got to my locker and Angie saw me crying. She immediately got worried and began asking me what was wrong. As I told her, TBIL went to his locker, which he NEVER does during nutrition. I was like WTF, of all the days to come to his locker during nutrition, he picks the day where I’m having a mental breakdown? I grabbed what I needed from my locker and dashed away from TBIL as quickly as I could. I managed to choke out the words to tell Angie what was happening. I had to get a grip on myself, so as I walked up the steps to Spanish, I did more of the breathing exercises. Sarah waited for me outside of our Spanish room. I put on a huge smile and told Sarah that we need to just treat this period like a play, and we are going to be playing the perfectly normal happy people. So I walked in after her and there he was, sitting in the back. I went to my desk and was fighting to keep the smile on my face. Sarah was being so helpful with making sure that I always had something happy to think about that kept me smiling. I managed to pull through and make it through that period. As we walked to fourth period I was just trying to see if I could do that one excercise that people talk about, you know the one where you picture your ‘happy place?’ yeah. I was getting desperate. So I was trying to picture myself at Seal Beach with Sarah, TBIL, and my friends. It was starting to work but I had arrived at math so I had to snap back into my crappy reality. I sat through math pretty calmly and just focused on doing my own thing. Luckily all the kids in that class are fucking stupid so they just assumed he was an observer that was evaluating Mrs. B. He left early for some reason so for the remaining ten minutes of class I just laid my head down and closed my eyes and did some more breathing exercises.

I was supposed to go to Spanish tutoring during lunch but because they were having their Every 15 Minutes campaign behind the PAC, it was cancelled. I couldn’t find my friends so I ended up walking aimlessly down Los Alamitos blvd before realizing that I had to hurry back in order to make it to fifth period on time. I got to fifth period about two-ish minutes late but Mr. H never marks anyone late. So after I sat down, my dad walks in, says a brief hello to Mr. H and takes a seat in the back row. I tried so hard to focus but it was a very fruitless attempt. We took a quiz but I was out of it that I got every single question wrong. Thank god it was only a practice quiz and he wouldn’t put it into our grades. My dad left about ten minutes early again and again, I slammed my head on the desk and just stayed that way until the bell rang. I walked with my friends to the band room where I quickly told my sister about how horrible this day has been going and how I was on the verge of doing something impulsive and probably very stupid. I slowly walked to sixth period and I was relieved to see that my dad wasn’t in there. I sat down at the TA desk and looked up at the clock. Mr. B came over to me and said, “your dad came in and he said that since this is a TA period that there was no sense in sticking around so he took off… rough day?” I feel so horrible for doing this to Mr. B but I just couldn’t control it, I just started sobbing and all the freshmen were looking at me. “Are you okay?” he asked. “No, “I said simply. I quickly got up and made my way out of the room. I headed to my English teachers room. Her daughter, some other girl, and some big guy that I think teaches softball were all in the room when I come in quietly with tears streaming down my face. My teacher instantly snaps into maternal mode and rushes over to hug me while I cried. I managed to tell her that he finally left and that I’m just so exhausted from seven straight hours of pure stress. After talking to her for a while, I cleaned up my face a bit and went back into Mr. B’s room. He gave me the necessary space because he felt bad for me, or maybe it was because he was afraid that he would accidentally set me off like earlier. I just took out this drawing I have been making and I just started coloring it. I forced myself to only think about coloring in the shapes and symbols. Finally the bell rang for the end of school. Thank Jesus. I said sorry to Mr. B for my little display and he said, “It happens to the best of us so no worries.” I went and met up with Nikki and went with her to her locker and then we went to mine. We finally found Sarah and I begged her if I could go to her house after school because I just couldn’t bare the thought of being alone with my parents without Amelia there. Thankfully she agreed and I used her cell to text my dad and tell him.

Some funny stuff went down when we were waiting for Sarah’s mom with Sarah’s sister at the middle school. Some eight grader that I thought was kind of cute told Sarah’s sister that he “accepts me” and we were all like, “Wtf” she ran over again and asked him what that meant. She races back over and says, “Oh, he said that he’ll go out with you.” I and Sarah started laughing, under the impression that it was a joke of some sort. He walked over and was being all awkward. Being the bitch that I am, I decided to play with his mind and I was being all flirty and I even wrote my home number on his hand. He finally left but not before Sarah had a good laugh at his lack of… years. Sarah’s mom finally came and we got some it’s A Grind before heading over to her house. We were doing our homework where her sister’s phone rings and she answers. It’s the eight grader. He didn’t know my name so he called her to find out. He didn’t know that I was at their house so he was a little caught off guard when she had to ask me a question that he asked her. For some sadistic reason she gave him my full name and told him I had a Facebook and a MySpace. Me and Sarah were flipping out from excitement. This kid was seriously thinking that he had a chance with me. So the three of us rush over to Sarah’s computer and changed my status to be “more hardcore.” Eventually my parents came and I had to leave.

This was in fact the car ride from hell. I got in and I decided to listen to the advice I had gotten all day and to play it calm and to show that I appreciate that they care for me, blah de blah de blah, so I’m joking with my dad, asking him what he thought of my classes and stuff and my mom is getting angry with me. We get to the store and me, my sister, and my dad got out of the car but my mom stayed in it and as we’re walking in he says to me, “I applaud you from trying to be the bigger person in this but it’s just making her mad.” “Was this supposed to be some kind of punishment?” I said jokingly. “Yes,” he said softly. Again I began bawling. “Punishment? Why is she doing this? Doesn’t she know that the depression, the ADD, the F, and the disappointment that everyone has at my grades isn’t enough?” My dad had no reply. He and my sister were trying to act all normal as we walked through the store, pretending not to notice the hysteric girl walking behind them. “Does she want me to kill myself? Will that make her fucking happy? At least she’ll know that I felt her punishment!” I said as my anger was rising. Again, my dad had no response. He told me and my sister to go wait outside as he got in line to pay for our groceries. As soon as we get outside, I start telling her how horrible this is and she told me that we’re on like the same telepathic level, because all day she had been feeling my sadness and my stress. After my dad came out we went back into the car and I was silent. When we got home, I grabbed my stuff and rushed into my room. I went into the bathroom and blew my nose quickly. I took a fast shower and did my hair quickly and started on my homework. I told my dad that I was sorry that he had to come to school with me today, but I never said a word to my mother. I went to bed without even considering saying goodnight to her.

Today was better, kind of. So I go to first period and just chill and do some of the class work and watch a video about the cold war. Then second period I worked with my group on our AP English group assignment about recycling. Then I went to Spanish. So I’m sitting next to Sarah and the attendance runner comes in with a pink slip and Senora A. hands it to me and it says that I need to go to the counseling office whenever I could find the time. So I just left immediately. I got to Mrs. R’s room and I was trying to remain calm because I knew this was the woman that let my parents hatch their horrible punishment plot. The first thing she says when I sit down is, “Kiddo, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry about yesterday but your parents forced me not to tell you about it.” I was silent. “Listen, I know your going through a tough time and I need you to know that I understand and I want to help you because I know you’re a smart girl, you’ve shown me that year after year with your high grades. But this year… there was such a sudden dive; something has to be going wrong.” So I spend about twenty minutes in her office just telling her about what’s going on but stressing that nothing horrible has been going on. I haven’t been physically or out rightly verbally abused. Nothing of the sort. But I just explained all the medicine drama and stuff. She gave me these daily planner things where you can fill in these boxes that are assigned to a different hour of the day from 7:30 am to 10:30 pm. I was grateful for her help and support but I don’t think that I can use her methods because my schedule is too prone to constant and unforeseen changes. I thanked her for the help and advice and ran back to Spanish. I got there just as the bell was ringing so TBIL saw me as I was trying to get to my Spanish class and I could have sworn that he gave me a sympathetic look. Maybe he heard more during me and Angie’s conversation at the lockers then I realized. I grabbed my backpack and went with Sarah to the Every 15 Minutes assembly. It was intense. I was bawling and I used a bunch of my tissue in that 45 minute time period. The rest of the day was w/e. I went to my sisters club during lunch and watched a hilarious Futurama episode, we had a sub in Physics, and I got to read a book all of sixth.

I think that’s it. This is epically long, but I guess I did have a whole traumatic week to cover. I hope you don’t hate me for writing so much.

-bye

Best. Day. Ever.

2009-03-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

So today started off like any other day. History was boring, English was okay, Spanish was whatever, and math was good (I actually knew the lesson so the test was a breeze.) Physics was lame-sauce and sixth period was super boring but I was on my phone playing this new game I found about being a movie star and it’s kind of hard. I got to see TBIL after school, which was really nice. I got to see this other really cute boy that Sarah and I both adore after school, which was really really nice. Then I went to my car and went to my grandparent’s house for a while, then went to the pharmacy to pick up some meds, and then I went to the mall and bought these two cute dresses. I never wear shorts. I either wear jeans or dresses. Not shorts. I went home for about an hour and packed for my trip to Arizona. Then I was in the car on the way to pick up my mom from work when I get a text from my uncle and it says, “U busy Aug 8^th at 7:30pm?” and I was joking around so I replied, jokingly, “Yes. I’ll be at MacDonalds” and then the most amazing text ever come in, “Aww okay... you know anybody that can go see Joe bros with us then?” I seriously froze. The... Jonas... Brothers... HOLY COW! I was like “seriously?” and he replied “Dead serious man!! But you’ll be at donalds soooo... you know anybody I can ask?” and I was like “I’ll go to MacDonalds the following day. You’re really inviting me to see the Joe bros... I can’t breathe...” and then he said that he hadn’t told my cousin yet. So my face has been stuck in a smile ever since... my jaw is starting to feel a little sore but I’m just ecstatic.

My dad pulled out this ancient lap top that he had that was from 1993, it’s super funny because it doesn’t have anything good like internet, only really lame games like Sailor Moon, Teenage mutant ninja turtle, Bugz Bunny, Chip and Dale, Cat Ninja, 7 Seas of Gold, and Barbie shopping adventure (LOL).

I need to go make a poster about Jerry Lee Lewis that I need to have done asap because I still need to take a shower and figure out what I’m going to wear to first period tomorrow (yeah, I’m leaving for Arizona right after first).

-Bye :)

p.s. good music

Anger and annoyance

2009-03-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was just to lazy to get to the computer and write about my day but yesterday was super boring so there wasn’t much to say except for what happened during my TA period. I was leaving because the bell had rung for the end of sixth period and the annoying freshman was trying to make conversation with me but I was trying to ignore him and this funny but kind of annoying sophomore pulls him back and goes “dude, you’re so not in her league, she’s above you by so much.” I didn’t want to let that go to my head but I did get a bit of a confidence boost knowing that I’m at least out of someone’s league. Oh and I had gotten in trouble fourth period for an all out verbal fight with the most annoying egotistical jerk-wad ever, so I had to go see Mrs. B sixth period and ‘talk-it-out’. Wtf.

So today was super weird but kind of fun. First period I was just chilling and talking with some of my friends in that class. Second period I got to listen to Pandora and doze off while just chilling. Third period I was talking almost the whole time with Sarah, which was fun. Then fourth period came and wrecked my joyous day. Taylor effing Baikie is such an ass hole. He is talking to his equally as evil friends during math and he says, “Spencer, you should have seen what the freak was drawing during third period,” and Dana was like, “Who’s the freak?” and Taylor goes, “um, A_ _ _ _ _ _ _ a G_ _ _ _ a.” (Sorry but I don’t wanna put her real name) He just called my best friend a freak. My knuckles were white from how hard I was gripping my desk. I was literally praying to God to give me the strength NOT to turn around and punch his fucking face in. He is such a gossiping bitch. He is worse then girls, hell; all the boys in my math class are a bunch of gossiping sons of bitches. They don’t even comprehend the level of hate I have for them. So during lunch it was hard for me to really get into today’s Christian club speaker’s whole speech because I was just raging with anger on the inside. Taylor is also in my fifth period physics class so I walk in and I shoot him this death glare that would have killed him if looks could kill (which I really wish they would). Physics went by pretty fast and then I walked with my friend over to where my sister was and I told her about the whole Taylor thing and she said that the same thing happened to her a while back because someone had made fun of her best friend. So then I went to sixth period and while the sub was doing role call, I was sitting in his desk and I saw the sub report he had made for yesterday and he wrote that I was unhelpful. Unhelpful? He didn’t ask me for help on anything and the one thing that Mr. B had written for me to do, I did it, and I did really well, unnecessarily well! So that made me super pissed off. So then my friend texted me and wanted some tutoring for math, so I went and sat in her car and helped her figure out her math stuff... that was an adventure. She is quite the hyper and unique creature. She was spazzing out and she kept putting herself down and she gave me a bizarre nickname that she kept shouting. Some of her friends came and were like almost pushing her car over and then she called this one guy she met last weekend who lives in like Mississippi or somewhere like that, and she is saying these disgusting and perverted things. I decided that I had been with her long enough and grabbed my stuff and did a quick wave before running away.

Today was my mother’s birthday, so I made her a real kick ass card and we went and ate at this disgusting restaurant called Pat and Oscars. Bleh. Then we came home and my dad gave my mom the quilt he made her. It’s really colorful and very well made. Now I’m typing this while my sister I watching Lost so I’m only hearing the voices from the TV. God that show is so lame. The drama is so pointless and fake. I’m sorry Lost fans but I can’t buy into the madness and obvious redundancies and blatant inconsistencies that are covered up with last minute additions that are ridiculously stupid. A smoke monster? Wtf. Did they ask a third grader to help them with the writing? If it isn’t third graders writing the show then it must be monkeys with typewriters.

I think that’s enough rambling for one day, oh wait actually, it’s not, I totally forgot about what I did yesterday after school. So I went with Sarah to go pick up her sister and then we went to some coffee place and her sister got this sandwich and soup and Sarah was staring at it like the whole time. It was hilarious. Then her mom picked us up and we went back to her house and Nikki came over and we had a discussion about the probability that Folie a deux was fall out boys’ last album. Nikki had some very good reasons but I refuse to believe that Fall Out Boy will ever stop making records. They need to live to be old and annoying in their persistence to stop, like Madonna. Then we walked around their neighborhood and then decided to go eat sausages and play Wii Mario kart racing at Nikki’s house. Sarah lost every single time. It was hilarious. Then my parents had to ruin our fun by coming and picking me up. Okay, I swear I’m done rambling now.

(dedicated to Sarah)

- güle güle

p.s.

Plans

2009-03-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

Plans, plans, and more plans! My life is now ruled by the constant plans that others are making for me. What classes am I taking next year? None that I planned out for myself. What am I doing this weekend? I’m going on a planned minute-by-minute trip to Arizona State University. What am I doing for the rest of my life? I don’t know but I have the feeling that someone else is planning it out for me. I wish I had a little more say in my own life, but maybe it’s only because I’m technically still a minor but even when I turn eighteen, will things really change? I have this feeling deep down that says it won’t. I think my subconscious is a down-right pessimist. Now that I’m talking about subconscious’s, am I the only one that really wants to believe that there is an itty bitty me that lives in my head that serves as my subconscious? I don’t think so. You know how in cartoons, people have a shoulder angel and devil, well I think I have that but instead of being on my shoulders, they are both in my head and they are in a constant heated battle. One is the super dgaf one that just wants to listen to music, eat, and sleep, and the other one is the obsessive, shy, manic depressive one that only wants to scream, cry, and flip out. I used to think I sided with the dgaf one the most but now I think it’s pretty evenly split. I stated talking about plans and ended up telling you about one of my crazy theories. Oh I should definitely write a blog entry soon where I just write about some of my weirder life theories.

I’ve been trying really hard lately to think about TBIL less but its much more difficult then I had previously thought because stupid things always remind me of him. I seem to see him everywhere now. I went from never seeing him to not being able to get away from him. He seems to be looking my direction a lot more then I think someone who doesn’t care about my existence would. He is such an odd specimen...

I’ve just realized that the music I play when I get home always reflects how I feel. I was actually pretty happy when I got home but feeling kind of frustrated at the world which I personally think matches perfectly with 3OH!3... I’m going to do something dumb, don’t judge me!

Song game (ya know, the one where you press shuffle and you write down whatever song comes us):

1) How are you feeling right now?

Too Young by the Secret Handshake

2) How is tomorrow going to be for you?

Behave Yourself by Booker T. and the MG’s (oh goodness...)

3) How do people view you?

Beware! Cougar! by The Academy Is...

4) How will this year be for you?

The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

5) How successful will you be after high school?

Barbara Ann by The Regents (what does that mean??)

5) How rich will you be?

Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie (another mysterious answer)

6) How will your love like be like this year?

Memory by Sugarcult

7) What is your love like?

Come Softly to Me by The Fleetwoods (no comment.)

8) What is your secret?

Shake It by Metro Station

9) What is your mantra?

You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring

10) What is your guilty pleasure?

Time After Time by Quietdive

11) How do you want to be remembered 50 years from now?

Ain’t Got No Home by Clarence “Frogman” Henry

12) Who are you?

Scene Change by The White Tie Affair

13)...and why should we care?

I Like It Like That by Chris Kenner

14) The definition of you.

Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry

I think that also gives you an insight into the random stuff I listen to. Well I really should go and make my mother a birthday card. I really have no ideas on what to write or what the card should be like...

-bye

p.s. This Pete quote just made my day. I feel so much happier because, i don't know if it speaks to you, but its screaming out to me. It just seems so... true.

...busy?

2009-03-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I’ve technically been busy all weekend because I had a lot to do, but since I didn’t do like 90% of the s *&$ I had to accomplish, does that count as being busy? I had all these plans for Saturday where I would go to the movies for a while with my cousin but then I would come home and finish my homework... well my plan changed a bit. I ended up going seeing the movie (as planned) but then we went shopping, and went to Costco, and went to my grandparents house... so instead of getting home at like 2-ish like I thought I would, I got home at eight. Needless to say, the whole day had just passed me by. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a blast. I went and saw the Jonas Brothers movie and it was AMAZING! My favorite part was when Joe took off his shirt *drool*. I’m not embarrassed to say that a new addition to my top 20 favorite movies ever is the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert experience. Oh but before we went to the movies we went to Panda Express, which always delightful. But after the movies we went to Ulta and my aunt bought me two new bottles of a much better foundation because my old one made me look slightly orange. Then we went to Best Buy and looked at some games for my cousins DS. She ended up buying Brain teaser 2 (or something along those lines). So we played it while we were in the car. That game made me feel so ridiculously dumb. Then we went and got some Costco pizza which I full heartedly believe is the world’s greatest pizza ever, and went to my grandma’s house and ate pizza and talked about how effed up the world is. We were talking about priests who are getting sued, churches that are closing and all this corruption that is going on inside the church that I have been going to all my life. I played around on the computer in my oldest cousin’s room and played bloons and some weird game about some sniper girl and the last level wouldn’t work. I finally went home and my mom was super mad because the agreement was that I would only be gone for a while... not the whole day. So when I got home, I stated working on memorizing my speech that I’m going to be presenting to class on Monday, which- OH SHIT- is tomorrow... I’m so not prepared. Well, actually I am prepared but that because I’ve been reading the speech out loud to my reflection in the mirror, not an actual class. Oh God, I’m gonna get so nervous that I’m going to be sick. If I never post again, it’s going to be because I was so nervous that I puked in front of my class and killed myself out of the sheer embarrassment... I’ll just try not to think of my impending disgrace.

So today we went to celebrate my mom’s birthday (which isn’t actually until next Wednesday) by going to breakfast at this Pancake place. It was not a fun experience. First off, my dad woke me up at eight, EIGHT!!! And made me get ready and then when we got to the restaurant, it was ridiculously packed so we had to wait outside for an hour and it was really cold. After what seemed like forever we finally got into the restaurant and I ordered some nice blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon. My parents were both raving about the bacon. So after another long wait I finally got my food and it wasn’t even that good. I would definitely have preferred getting Denny’s or IHOP. The bacon was ok, but it wasn’t nearly as good as my parents had hyped it. So after stuffing myself with food, we took my sister to her friends house and went home. My parents went off and did something so I was alone pacing my familyroom reciting the same stupid speech over and over again while the Panic at the Disco concert DVD/CD played in the background. After reciting the speech about twenty times I needed to give my vocal chords a rest so I decided to just sit down and chill to two songs on the Fall Out Boy CD... I woke up three hours later. I hate how easily I fall asleep. I then had some help from my mom in presenting my speech and I edited the essay that coincides with the assignment.

Hmmm maybe I should write about what happened after what happened after I posted my last entry. I had gone to my room and suddenly I had an anxiety/depression attack and I was just inconsolable. It was horrible. I feel terrible for just venting onto my friend Sarah who is facing her own issues. I just felt like everything was so overwhelming, but after finally collapsing, I woke up the next day and felt much better.

I’ve decided that I hate weekends, I would rather be at school then have to be bored in my house and not be able to see my friends of TBIL. (haha you thought I would go a whole blog without talking about him? Pfft no.)

I’m out of things to talk about because I’m boring...

-Bye

Definition

2009-03-13T16:24:00.000-07:00

I couldn’t post yesterday because I went over to Sarah’s house after school and went to eat Pick Up Stix and played Wii racing at Nikki G’s house. So I got home around seven thirty and I had this ridiculously hard physics lab that I had to make a graph for, which turned out not even to be due today (which really pissed me off), so by the time I finished it, I was really tired and I still had to take a shower and pick out my clothes for today. But nothing that amazing happened anyways that I can recall… I don’t even think I saw TBIL that much. Oh but speaking about TBIL, today he was outside of his Spanish class room when I was going to mine so I was talking to Danni and I was trying to be all cutesy, it was pathetic. Oh and in Spanish, the Telanovela is getting so effing intense. I seriously was crying because it’s so sad. Nothing good happened for a few periods. At lunch I went to my sister’s club and watched a super funny Futurama episode. When I was walking to physics, I caught up to my friend Matt and was talking to him. So we’re outside of my physics class just talking and TBIL gets to his class and he like stops and is totally looking at me and Matt talking so I pretend to me all cute and flirty and after TBIL went inside his class, Matt looks at me and says, “Wow, you really like that guy, don’t you?” all I could do was show him my guilty smile. Nothing happed until after school when I went to my locker and TBIL was at his and he was totally taking his time and he was looking over at what I was doing but I was talking with this kid that is in the class I TA for sixth period and when I finished at my locker and walked away, she said that he kept glancing over at me. So later on I was talking with Sarah and we’ve come up with a theory. I don’t think TBIL likes me but I think he is just observing me and trying to either decide whether of not to like me, or if he is trying to decide how to approach me. Either one is acceptable. I’m just praying that this isn’t all in my head.

Later on, when me and Sarah we’re waiting for my dad to come pick us up, I asked Sarah if I was a ditzy girlie girl which led to us coming up with our own definition for what being a Girlie girl entails. So I’m going to post our definition:

Main Entry:

Girlie girl

Pronunciation:

gər(-ə)l \ee \gər(-ə)l

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Middle English gurle, girle young person of female sex

Date:

20th century

A young female with some or all of the following characteristics:

Clothing/ Make-up/ Hair obsessed
Favorite stores are Ambercrombie and Fitch and Hollister
Extreme valley girl style of talking
High maintenance
High drama
Dislike of Hot Topic
Only listens to mainstream music played on Kiis FM and KROQ
Dislike of emo boys
Preference of the color pink
Dislike of skinny jeans

So I’ve definitely decided that I can not be categorized as a girly- girl, a prep, or a Goth. I don’t think I’m quite an emo kid but I’m starting to think I’m a scene kid. Haha I love how I’m trying to define myself. No true scenester defines themselves as one. I guess I don’t have a category. I’m perfectly content to be that way.

I think I’m going to go chill to some more 50’s music in my room. OH WAIT! I need to go memorize my Clinton speech. I need to memorize it by Monday and currently I don’t have a single second of it memorized!

- Adieu

wow i'm A.D.D.

2009-03-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I have problems. But guess what. The odds are, you have them too. Everyone has their little issues that they keep ‘under the rug.’ For me, I’m a pathological liar with a tendency to let me imagination get the best of me. Some problems, like coke addictions, are much more prominent then others but problems, none-the-less all problems are a hindrance to both moral and everyday life. Today I stumbled across a little problem my cousin has. I’m not going to say what it is because that’s not my point. My point is that when someone you know has a problem, helping can be ridiculously difficult. Especially when it’s something that is a very hush-hush subject.

I don’t want to go too in-depth about that because that is a real downer of a subject, so I’ll talk about the weird stuff that happened today. 1^st period was cool; we talked about 1950’s music and then started talking about the driving force and the memorable people from then and then Mr. C started talking about the music for the 1950's which really put me in a Johnny Cash kind of mood. God I love Johnny Cash. He was just such a fiiiiine young man. Oh goodness and so was Elvis. They just don’t make em’ like they used to. I really do think that I was just born in the wrong generation. I was supposed to be born in the 1930’s so that I could be a teenager in the 1950’s. I love everything about the 1950’s. It was just such an amazing time in history. (Also on that note, my sister really should have been born in the sixties so she could be a teenager in the eighties.) I love fifties clothes, fifties hair, fifties lingo, fifties cars, I love every single thing about the fifties. You have no idea how badly I want a ford thunderbird. Oh god, I know I’m going to spend thousands of dollars when I’m older just buying one of those gorgeous cars. I would sell a kidney just to get one, heck I’d sell em’ both if I could have a Thunderbird! Everything was just so shiny and beautiful and new back then. McDonalds wouldn’t be a major conglomeration that’s killing the world’s individuality yet, the highways wouldn’t be clogged with cars yet, and there would just be this plain sense of security because all the crazy crimes and illegal goings-on that occur now-a-days wouldn’t even be imaginable to people back then. Given, I would miss somethings like Starbuck, DVD’s, emo boy bands, skinny jeans, and converse, but I think I’d be perfectly content overall to live in the 1950’s. If only I had a time machine…

Wow, I certainly got off topic… second period was bleh. (Yeah I’m an AP English student and I use intense vocab words like ‘bleh’ hahaha lol) OH WAIT! I totally forgot to write about what happened before first period. Ok so my dad was called to jury duty in Compton so he was actually able to take me and my sister to school, so we got there a bit early. So my sister and I were talking to some friends about Golden axe

(funnest game ever >>>>)

and I mid-sentence when I that my friend Nikki was walking with one of her friends and she was holding a big plate of cookies so of course, being the pig I am, I ran over to her and started walking with her. Without even saying anything, she hands me like three cookies. So we’re walking to her friends locker and I’m stuffing my face with cookies and of course when my mouth is full, there is smeared chocolate and cookie crumbs on my face, I’m laughing with a full mouth and I’m practically falling over my own feet, TBIL passes by and looks at me. I wanted to die. But suddenly I had a thought, If anything ever happens between us (which it won’t) then he is just going to have to deal with the fact that I do things like stuff my face with delicious cookies and trip over my own feet. (Okay back to talking about what happened after second period) so I’m walking with Nikki after second when we go to our lockers and we don’t see Sarah so we just keep going. I go to my locker and listen to Ninja (it’s a nickname I give Angie) tell me about how her brother made her late to school thins morning. Then we started talking about getting tattoos because there is this really cute guy that has this awesome dragon tattoo on his arm. I’ve decided that I’m definitely going to get a tattoo but I just don’t know of what or where I would put it. I was thinking about getting the really cool stars tattoo like Kat VonD right under her hairline, because it’s pretty bad ass but I doubt my parents would ever approve, even if I was over 18… Then I went to Spanish and got to keep watching our Telanovela, Rosalinda. It’s so cheesy and bad that I don’t even watch it most of the time but I know perfectly well what going on because it’s so predictable. Then me and Sarah walked to our fourth periods and were talking about what Nikki had told me earlier about what had happened between her and the guy she’s into last night on Facebook. Math was… different… then usual. We had a sub because Mrs. B was sick. The sub was this big white guy that was super nice but soooo not even cute. I wish it was Senor Scott, now that’s a sub I could have everyday and not be unhappy. I was helping Carmen to understand the math homework, but most of the time we were just talking about who is cute and who isn’t in that class. Carmen is obsessed with the kid that sits next to me and just kept telling him how hot she thinks he is. Poor john got super scared and confused. Carmen seriously much have snapped because she was going nuts and flipping out but she kept saying that “this is just my hyper side”. I do like Carmen, because she is really nice, but sometimes that girl is just a little too much for me to handle. After math I immediately told Sarah all about Carmen’s weird behavior. I ended up going to Christian club with Sarah and I was super cool because the speaker today was this guy that had come to talk at church groups and stuff and he was from London and he had a British accent. I am a total whore for accents. I just… melt, when I meet someone with an accent. But that guy didn’t make me melt because he was like thirty but it was still pretty cool. He talked about how we need to refer to the bible to be our guide and that it’s going to help us out so much. Actually I don’t really remember much of what he said which I feel bad for because he said, “please don’t remember me for my accent, remember me for my message.” Sorry British-accent guy.

I totally failed the free response section of my physics quiz but I feel pretty good about the scantron part. But I just totally blanked when it came to some of the stuff we had learned. Maybe I should study more often… Sixth period was boring, as usual; I graded a few papers and then played some crossword puzzles. After sixth I went to Mr. J’s room to meet up with Nikki and some pretty epic stuff had happened with her and the guy she likes, so that was so great! She told me all about it while I went to my locker. I missed most of what she said because TBIL was at his locker but I’m sure I got the gist of what she was saying. Me, Sarah, and Nikki sat down while Nikki told her all about what had happened sixth period but then I remembered that my grandpa was picking me up and that I had to hurry to get to the car, so I walked with them to the Foreign language building before going our separate ways. So I get into the car and I start talking to my sister about what she had done that day because she had going to some Disney/interview type of deal.

-- oh I lost my train of thought because I had to go clean my room… where was I??? Oh yes, so My sister talked for a while as we drove to my grandparents house and then when we finally got there, I played guitar hero 3 for a while before going to eat some delicious home cooked burritos con carne. Later on my dad came, and it turns out that he hadn’t been pulled for a jury so the routine goes back to normal tomorrow which I’m totally down for because I had to get up an entire hour earlier than normal because my dad is crazy and thinks I need a whole hour to get ready, which isn’t true, I can take under ten minutes on a good day. So we went home and talked with Sarah on Facebook for a while and then played Bloons for a good half hour before starting today’s blog entry, and now I believe we’ve come full circle.

I think I’m writing these entries too long…

- Hasta Manana... maybe, actually i think I'm going to Sarah's house tomorrow so i don't know if I'll be able to post. If i do, it's probably going to be really late at night which is something I'm really not down for...

P.S. bloons... it's as addicting as crack

Mr. Perfect

2009-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today was filled with a wide array of emotions. Let’s go in order, shall we?

This morning, I was so frustrated with my hair that I just threw it into a side messy pony tail… for the second time this week… And I just DGAF’d it. SO I get to school and had to quickly copy Jacqui’s homework that I had totally failed to do last night. Somehow I still got full credit. That was pretty cool. Second period we were working on our speeches. I might have said this yesterday, but I don’t remember, the speech that me and Heidi chose was “I Have Sinned” that was given by Ex-President Bill Clinton while he was still in office after the exposure of his sexual affair with that Intern, Monica Lewinsky. I have to memorize the second half which is pretty scary because my part alone is going to be five minuets long. I’m beyond nervous. Me and Sam were making scary faces at each other but our teacher saw and called us third graders. That was the first ego blow of the day. Then I went to my locker and saw him as usual with his arm around that little man-stealer. Then I made my way to Spanish class while telling Angie about how fun it would be to be able to just go around burning down whatever you wanted to. Yeah… she brings out the inner pyromaniac in me. Then in Spanish we talked about how crazy Don Quixote was. Then on the way to math me and Sarah were flipping through my latest issue of AP magazine and we’re awe struck by the beautiful pictures of The Maine’s gorgeous lead singer. Today math was actually enjoyable because I got to talk to this super funny Asian girl named Carmen that sits in front of me. It got awkward for a moment when she was talking about how much she needs to be cool and how she loves doing lame things by herself in her room... naked. I was unsure how to reply to that. Lunch was fun today, mostly. I went with Sarah to her Media in art class and played around on Pandora.com and Deviantart.com and found cool pictures of

Paramore

Family Force Five

and The Maine

(while simultaneously keeping an eye on the cute boy that me and Sarah like… did I just say that? Oh dear…). Melissa and Alyssa came in and I got super nervous and just kept my eyes glued to the computer screen. Thankfully they didn’t stay long so I went back to joking around with Sarah. Then when lunch was over I walked with Sarah towards her English class before setting off towards physics. Since my physics class is upstairs I had to walk to the staircase and I stumbled upon where a certain druggie and his girlfriend, or perhaps now ex-girlfriend, were eating. He was quiet and she seemed to be quiet. Paying attention to the druggie drama, I hadn’t noticed that TBIL had somehow gotten slightly ahead of me. I’m not sure how it happened but the Druggie bumped into me and he grabbed by arm. I played it cool walking up to physics because TBIL was right in front of me but as soon as I got into my class room, I began furiously rubbing my arm. I think Eric got some of his drugs on me L But the weird thing was that TBIL had paused at the door to his classroom until I had passed by and the guy he was walking with was like “dude? Are you going in?” and he was like “oh yeah…” and seemed to snap out of some sort of daze and went into his classroom. I was a little confused. Physics was boring, as usual. Then I went and talked to some of my friends in afterwards before heading to my sixth period to TA. Since I walked in late, Mr. B was already showing students to their new assigned seats. So now this cute freshman or maybe he’s a sophomore, sits at the desk right next to the TA desk and this obnoxious freshman sits next to him. So during the middle of Mr. B’s lecture the obnoxious kid yells out, “ **** thinks the TA is really cute.” You can’t even comprehend the level of embarrassment that suddenly filled that room. That poor boy was redder then a tomato and I was laughing but I was equally as embarrassed, even though I was much better at hiding it. After what seemed like a way-too-long sixth period school was finally over and I was on the phone talking to my uncle about the hit and run that his parked car had been in, I got to my locker the same time TBIL got to his. We we’re so undoubtedly awkward. I was so distracted and dazed that I have no recollection of what I was even saying to my uncle, or what any of the books I grabbed or put away were. My mind was in this huge jumble so I hurried and quickly got off the phone and ‘walked briskly’ to the bathroom, and stood inside one of the bathroom stalls trying regain my composure. After calming down I went and told Sarah about what had just occurred and she told me about her interesting “secret agent” interaction. After finally getting to my car, I feel asleep out of pure exhaustion in the back seat completely sprawled out. Later on When I was texting Sarah, we were creating the perfect boy by using bit and pieces for bother physical traits and personality traits from the boys that we love. The creation we decided on would be this borderline Greek God that would have perfectly golden hair with adorable red lips, that is of course a lead singer in a totally awesome band that was also really nice and calm and thoughtful and deep and he has to have a beard and a nice body that would have a stellar set of abs (kind of like > ) and he has to have that perfect Casey smile that makes me melt just thinking about it. I’m pretty sure I would sell my entire family into human trafficking just to make this perfect creation a reality… Is that wrong because I really don’t think so. I have finished all my homework, I’ve written my blog… I think I’m going to go read so that I can wind down a bit.

Today was quite a day…

This is so perfect about today that it's scary.

-Bye

P.S. NEW LIVELAVELIVE VIDEO! YAY!

Addictions

2009-03-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Today I thought a lot about all the weird little addictions I have. It’s nothing serious like crack, cutting, or praising the devil.

Its more like being:

A Chocolate addict

A music addict

A Starbucks addict

A guitar addict

(my baby ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^)

A fall out boy trail addict

A movie addict & A love addict (how corny is that?)

A sun chips addict

A Mexican food addict

A sushi addict

A procrastination addict

A journal writing addict

A Facebook addict

A hair straightener addict

A book addict (or is the correct term a book worm?)

A TV addict

And finally…

A picture taking addict.

I have a lot of addictions… but I’m pretty sure that they just add to all the things that make me unique. Ew. I hate the word unique because I think that in today’s society it’s used as a kind of buzz word that parents use to cover up that their kid is a freak. I don’t think I’m a freak. I know I can be a little… odd… but I’m not a freak. Besides, normal is just a point of view. No one person is normal. Everyone has their weird little addictions, their weird little ticks, their weird little thing about them that they can either embrace it, like how I am, or they can keep hiding. I’m so sick and tired of hiding things. I ready to just shove every single part about myself into he light of the day, but I probably won’t because no matter what I say, I know that I’d be scared out of my mind if my entire mental process and life experiences were laid out for everyone to see. This is a really weird thought, but I’m so thankful that humans do not have the power to read each others minds or I would never ever ever ever leave my room.

I think I’m going insane. I constantly think I heard people calling my name but when I look there is never anyone calling for me. Maybe my subconscious is telling me something, or maybe I’ve finally snapped… I hate my subconscious so I’d actually prefer if it was the latter of the choices.

Today I saw TBIL and I came close to just saying something but I held back because I am such a coward that it isn’t even remotely close to ever possibly being considered fairly funny. Am I exaggerating? NO! He thinks that I’m crazy. I don’t want to be known as the crazy girl, but I guess racing out of third period everyday so I can walk in front of him so her hears about whatever fake conversation me and Sarah have decided to make, could possibly be taken as crazy. But he doesn’t need to know that. UGH! All I want him to do is notice me and say hi, or talk to me on Facebook. I just want something, ANYTHING! But that never going to happen and I need to move on, but I don’t think I can. I like him way too ridiculously much. Wow… I’ve spent a little bit of every post talking about him. That’s obsessive.

I think there is a lot on my shoulders right now and I don’t think the sessions with Dr. Cena are really helping that much because we never have enough time to touch on that dark and haunting issue that looms over me like this endless rain cloud. Maybe this is God’s hint to me that perhaps I’m not meant for this life… Wow, that has to be the most emo and depressing thing I’ve ever thought. I need some cheer-me-up-chocolate.

- Ciao

P.S. Heroic Anthony

Crusin'

2009-03-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I spent the whole weekend down in Long Beach just chillin’ with my dad. I took a lot of pictures because it feels like such an artsy place. Maybe I should be a photographer… nah, I’d take too many too weird pictures. But I think I’ll be a photographer as like a part time job. That would be cool. I love tall building with interesting architecture and Long Beach has plenty. There were a few fountains but I could never get a good shot.

My life since my last post has been pretty ‘eh.’ Good things have been happening but at the same time, a lot of things are kind of taking a turn for the worse. I’ve been trying to escape everything by just filling my head with music.

I think I need a vacation…

"Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer"

I looked at this and i read it, and then i re-read it and then a read it couple more times.
I think I've found my inspiration, my mantra, my new lines to live by.
Every word is true.
Every thought is relevant.
Every emotion is felt.
Just saying it out loud made such an impact on me.

I hope you can find inspiration in it, or maybe you can find something inspirational in your own lives.

-Goodnight

Thurday nothingness

2009-03-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Today was so absolutely uninteresting, so blindingly boring that I don’t want to bore you so I will simply put the few minor interesting things down.

I am now addicted to making friendship bracelet which make me really with that I had more friends…

Amelia and I discussed how far she would be willing to go and how much she would be willing to do in order to meet one on one with Robert Pattinson. She is willing to give up one of her kidneys… I just don’t understand it. He isn’t even that attractive and I’ve heard that he is so very odd and boring.

I’ve decided that as soon as I turn eighteen, I’m going to get a tattoo.

I’ve just listened to an entire speech that Bono gave at Harvard in 2001, and it was very insightful. I like Bono; he is such a good guy.

I never got to see TBIL today which was kind of a downer but I guess I need to start letting it go because it’s never going to happen, anything between me and him that is. I was dumb and did something so irrational that he is never going to talk to me ever again. How depressing is that? Very.

Today I was trying to keep some of the things Dr. Cena, my therapist, said during Tuesday’s session but I was so just… unhappy today that it was ridiculously hard.

My parents have been talking behind my back about what they are going to do when I fail a class. When? When! I’m not going to fail any class. Sure, I might get a D or two but it won’t be the end of the world. I’ve just been to… distracted mentally to do well this year. My whole deep time of depression really threw off everything because I never even listened in an of my classes for about two months, so there is a whole chunk of learning from all my classes that I’m completely missed, which obviously would make future learning extremely difficult.

I’m getting a little worried lately because I’ve been putting on a lot of weight because I’ve been eating out every night…

I need to go finish my homework.

- boa noite

p.s. best game ever

stupid thoughts

2009-03-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a killer headache.

My sister was attempting to wake me up but after about ten minutes of fruitless effort, she finally gave up and went to eat breakfast.

No joke, Wednesday is the hardest day to wake up.

So I just put my pillow over my face and went back to sleep for an extra half hour.

So I only had five minutes to get dressed, slap on some make up, and swallow a quick breakfast.

So needless to say, I was kind of a mess today

But that extra half hour really improved my day.

So I had to ride my bike to school. (Not really)

And it was raining (really)

But I liked it.

During the ‘bike ride’ I was thinking about how I’m always thinking.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to die from my brain exploding from stress.

I constantly over analyze everything.

I was suddenly jarred from my own thoughts when my knee started to kill me.

I think I may have done some serious damage to it when I fell off my bike when I was on my way to the library yesterday.

On another note, I’ve decided to start looking for a new best friend because the one I currently have is special Ed.

Everything revolves around boys.

But I guess that would be a lie to say that I wasn’t the same exact way.

I’m not sure what kind of friend I’m looking for.

Obviously that can’t be too crazy.

They need to love music as much as I do.

And they need to be as sarcastic as humanly possible.

I’ve been listening to Owl City so much lately.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my other bands.

Maybe I’ll go listen to some White Tie Affair right now.

My nose has been running all day.

I think I’m getting sick.

I’m always sick.

Wtf.

I’m sorry that I have absolutely nothing to talk about today.

My mind is just so full that I can’t organize it and put it down.

I’m just so confused about so much right now.

My grades are slipping but I honestly don’t care.

My parents are flipping out over all the economic stress.

My family is moving apart.

My sister is leaving soon.

I’m leaving soon.

One of my best friends is suicidal.

I contemplated running away.

I hate my own mind to the point where death seems like the only solution to quiet all these incessantly nagging thoughts.

What did I just write?

I’m so sorry; I don’t even know what just came over me.

I think I may have finally creaked.

Well it’s about damn time.

I need to go take Advil.

Goodbye.

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings- always darker, emptier and simpler." - Friedrich Nietzche

busy day

2009-03-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

I went to school for first, second, and half of third period and then i left to go see my therapist, Dr. Cena, who is so cool. I talked to him about some stuff for an hour and then i was going to go back to school but i would have only made it back in time to go to the second half of physics and TA so i thought that wasn't important enough to wast the gas to drive back so I went home and watched The Fellowship of the Ring with my dad for a while but i was super tired so i feel asleep right away. And i just went and got dressed because I'm going with my sister to her orientation thing for Arizona State, because she is going to be attending there next year. So i don't have time to talk about anything so I'm going to past in my essay about Ted Kaczynski. Hopefully you like it.

Servo Dementis an Contemno: The Redemption of a Killer

"This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but a whimper."
- T.S. Eliot.

What began as a normal family dinner turned into one of the most impactful conversations I’ve ever taken part. Talking about our favorite TV show, Saving Grace, my mother had just briefly mentioned about Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh’s implicit connection to the series. My father had mixed up the names and thought the man who bombed the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City was named Ted Kaczynski. My mother quickly corrected him, “Kaczynski was the Unabomber.” Having never heard of the Unabomber before I asked my mother to explain. It was at this moment that my perspective on almost everything changed.
An extremely brilliant man, Ted Kaczynski, received an undergraduate degree from Harvard University and earned a PhD in mathematics from the University of Michigan. He became an assistant professor at the University of California, Berkeley at age 25. But this man was deeply troubled and had a hard time fitting into the society around him therefore after working at Berkeley for only two years he resigned and moved to a remote cabin in Lincoln, Montana. Kaczynski was firm believer that society’s technological advances were responsible for the deteriorization of human rights and took it upon himself to draw attention to this injustice by sending self-made bombs to those he felt contributed to society’s failure. The Unabomber, nicknamed by the FBI previous to the discovery of Kaczynski’s identity, sent sixteen bombs in all; twenty four people were injured and three were killed over a span of seventeen years. Agents arrested Theodore Kaczynski on April 3, 1996 and he is now serving a life sentence without parole in the federal Administrative Maximum Facility supermax in Florence, Colorado.
Delving deeper into reports about Kaczynski and his bombings, I’ve come across a huge question that no one seems to have asked him: Does he regret his actions? As a follower of the Catholic faith, I’d like to think that if Kaczynski were really to regret his actions, even he could make his way to heaven. Redemption has been the main question in my mind. Can a person redeem themselves from anything? Will God truly forgive you for something as dire as taking another human’s life? Can someone forgive themselves for such an action? I like to think it's possible.
After reading the Unabomber’s manifesto, it’s hard to imagine that he could have any regrets because his issues are spilled out for all to see. The passion and the anger he felt emanates from the pages as obvious as the heat I feel on my skin on a sunny day. But I do not take it as another offense to keep him from being redeemed for many a person has written something in the heat of the moment that they regret later on, perhaps he doesn’t regret it now, maybe he never will but I think that deep down he can see that he acted foolishly (sorry if you take that as an understatement).
I don’t want this to become a sermon but I believe that God can see into this man’s soul and since God was his creator, he understands him in a way that no one else on this planet may be capable of. Using a different perspective, Kaczynski is not the enemy; his intent all along was to help people win back their deteriorating freedom from the technological advances we are making as a society. The revolutionary war involved the killing of some for the benefit of the whole, so Kaczynski saw the deaths as the route to rise above our self-created oppression. I’m just throwing out theories but after all this thinking I’ve decided that for my own self, I believe that the judicial system has no correlation with the after life- one who goes to jail is not hell-bound. I like to think that hell is one hundred percent empty- except for the devil down there with his lonely self. I’d like to believe that everyone- including people like Hitler and Fidel Castro are in heaven because God always knew, deep in their sub-conscious, lived regret.
This man shows the best and the worst of everything that is society, and it is just so disturbingly inviting that I feel this indescribable compulsion to stand up for this man. Kaczynski is a perfect example of how our society creates ‘the robber and punishes him when he steals.’ He was treated as an outcast and was forced to live on the margin of society. Am I the only who is picturing that one kid who sits alone at lunch and has no friends? Every school, every office, every person knows one of those people who is the outsider. Picture that person. Did they wake up one morning and decide that they would be the outcast? Of course not, we made them that way by punishing them for being different. Kaczynski was that kid. Kaczynski was the one with no friends. Kaczynski was the one who was different. Kaczynski was the one that paid the price for not conforming.
I know that I have no connection to any of those that were the victims of the Kaczynski’s bombs, and I acknowledge that the families and friends of those that were killed probably wish with their whole hearts that Kaczynski rots in the deepest pit of hell, but the anger which they hold onto are doing no good. Hatred can not bring the dead back to life, but forgiveness can bring back one’s good graces with the lord.
Am I looking too deeply into this man? No. My eyes have been opened and I understand how Kaczynski stood for something so much grander then himself. He stood for the freedoms of others, he stood for the outcast. I’m not trying to glorify this man, only point out how quickly we are to condemn a person to hell without taking into account that it was our mistakes that influenced their mistakes. I forgive Ted Kaczynski and I hope that Ted Kaczynski forgives society for making him the victim.

Gotta Go, Bye! <33

"shake, shake, shake, shake, ah-shake it"

2009-03-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

Why in the world does school need to be so unnecessarily boring? First period was spent lounging around in the counseling office waiting to finally get a meeting with my counselor, Mrs. Rafferty. All she did was glance at the paper of the classes I had chosen for senior year, say some dumb little thing along the lines of, “good choices” and then I was excused. At least it was slightly more interesting then having to sit in history class. Second period was even less of a thrill, but passing period afterwards always brings new interesting things. I saw him and his girl friend and I had to work to keep back the tears but it was surprisingly much easier then on Friday. I wasn’t late to Spanish which is kind of a big deal because I’m always late. I just played with my highlighter and spelled out my name and a few other names and listened to the funny conversations of the two boys behind me. I feel horrible for not knowing either boy’s name, so I just call them the-chubby-one and the-nice-one-that always-opens-my-water-bottle-for-me. They were making fun of Don Quixote today, it was extremely hilarious. But other then those boys, Spanish es muy aburrido. I hurried Sarah along so that we could actually not be the last people out of our Spanish class for the last time ever, and we walked down the stairs giggling about how I wanted to keep my desire to see the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert on the ‘DL’ but she said she was going to put it on the ‘HL’ which clearly made no sense. The guy I like saw up for most of our conversation and I think he was fairly entertained. Math was boring but this super cute freshman, who I hate because he is so self centered that it hurts my soul, forced himself into the group Diana and I had created. As soon as he sat down next to us, I turned to Diana and mouthed the word, “why?” We took the stupid math quiz that I was totally unhelpful on because I so do not understand this entire unit. I finally got to go to lunch but it wasn’t terribly relaxing because I needed to finish writing a physics study guide that I had neglected to do last night. The friends I was having lunch with were arguing over what is better- Mexican food or Asian food. It was funny and very distracting. I ended up barely finishing my outline in time to gobble up my entire lunch in the three minutes I had to get to class before I would be late. Physics was boring as usual but luckily that class goes by fairly quickly. I walked to the band room, said hi to my pals, got a free Samoa cookie from Mark and walked to Mr. B’s class so I could TA. I had forgotten the computer systems were down so I couldn’t enter any grades into the computer, so I just talked to Paul about The Jonas Brother’s movie and read more of the previous issue of AP magazine. I learned that Bring Me the Horizon is made up of a bunch of poor pot heads, and then I realized that most bands are of the same consistency. I caught a glimpse of the boy I like (ugh I’m tired of having to write out ‘the boy I like’ every time so from no on I’ll abbreviate with the initials TBIL) but also got to see him and his new play toy which dampened my happiness a bit. I spent some time after school in the Media Center with my friend until I got picked up by my father and went over to my grandma’s house where I got to enjoy a big ol’ serving of her homemade rice and beef stew. I delivered a table I had borrowed back to my Tia Olga’s house and then I finally got to go home where I decided to put up some old pics that I had found of me and my cousins during my sixth birthday party. I wanted to write about the weird dream I had last night but I don’t have time so I’ll summarize- I met the president, but it wasn’t Barac, it was Bill Clinton, and I met Hillary Clinton and she liked my shoes and they had me watch some little kid for them while they went and watched my high school’s football team play some random team. I'm listening to shake it by Metro Station on my pandora station ;) Okay that’s all I really have today, I think I’ll put up one of my essays tomorrow so I won’t bore you with another too detailed description of my boring day.

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

- Franz- Kafka

- la revedere

P.S. Owl City

Simple Sunday

2009-03-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty calm and uninteresting and that is precisely why it is my absolute favorite day of the week. I just embraced the calm serenity of this lovely Sunday and went and read under the shade of a tree in Cerritos Park East. I listened to my dad ramble on for a while about the fundraiser carnival that my sister's drumline group had put together. He talked about the different carnival booths and the different people that attended. I was slightly bummed that I hadn't been able to make it. I made a fairly worthwhile dent in my Fast Food Nation English project by figuring out which quotes I’m going to be analyzing. When I woke up this morning, I slowly made my way into the family room and dropped onto the couch. My mom was already up and was watching this Sandra Bullock movie called Practical Magic. It was pretty lame; it was about a family of witches that were not accepted by the townspeople around them and about this vampire that falls in love with Sandra Bullock's slutty witch sister. They accidentally kill the vampire but bring him back to life so that they don't go to jail but he tries to kill them again so they kill him... again. And then they bury him but his spirit haunts them and this deputy guy comes to investigate the disappearance of the vampire guy (nobody knows, except for the witch family, that he was a vampire) and the cop falls in love with Sandra Bullock's character, Lucy but then he is like 'oh snap, she's a witch' and he gets freaked out but some stuff happens, they become friends with their community , blah blah blah, they kill the vampire spirit, they save the community, she falls in love with the cop guy and they live happily ever after. As honestly bad as the movie was, it deserved an academy award (or w/e award they give to movies) compared to Dadnapped. Dadnapped is the single worst movie ever in the history of movies. I think I died a little from watching it. Emily Osment plays an annoying daughter to the writer of a beyond lame book series and they are forced into 'wacky adventures' along with their other equally as untalented costars from the Disney channel. For being a Disney Original TV movie, this was still a disappointment. I created a new Pandora station today using Owl City, and it's refreshingly good. It's been playing some Jack's Mannequin, Hellogoodbye, and some new artists that I have never heard before but I really like. I should be writing up the final draft of my Spanish project but I’m too lazy and I dgaf. I pretty much never do my Spanish homework, ever, and that probably explains why I got a -C in Spanish on this last report card. Oh I just checked my Aries school account, I currently have an F in math, damn... I should really start doing homework but it's so tedious and repetitive that I usually choose any other option for employing my after school hours. I tried really hard not to think about him and his new girlfriend today but when you’re sitting in the park reading, one's mind tends to wander to unwanted places. So last night I actually had nightmares, which is super odd because even as a little kid I almost never had nightmares, but to have three all on the very same night was very odd, well actually only one of them was a nightmare, the other two were just normal, actually they were almost like dreams that I would kill to have them become true, but back to what I meant, I never have nightmares, I’m not scared of the monsters, in the closet or 'the thing under the bed' but I tend to have nightmares where the bad things is a bad thing that could potentially really happen which I personally think is a billion times more frightening then any notion of a 'bogyman'. The first one started with me, my sister, and my parents driving in our little Toyota Echo, and for some reason or another my parents really wanted some newspaper but it wasn't delivered to our house that day so we saw a house that had it on the front porch so we were going to go steal it from that house. As we were getting out of the car to gab it, it started pouring rain and the wind was so ridiculously strong that we were fighting not to be blown away. Suddenly my friend Dianna and her cousin emerge from the house and invite me and my sister inside, so I start to get out of the car when I notice that my mom is talking to the boy I like and I get super scared and bolt into Dianna's house. I wasn't outside anymore but it was like I switched views and was now this odd third person view that was watching my mom talk to the guy I like and as soon as I had darted past them he called my name but I hadn't stopped and he turns to my mom and says, "is Sabrina ok?" and my mom is like "that's just what teen girls do" and then he says, "well, tell her that I’m sorry for what happened to her" and then it was back to normal first person view and I’m in Dianna’s backyard by her pool under some sort of awning that is protecting us from the horrible weather and we were going to go into the pool but I saw my mom through a window so I run into their kitchen and she is like, "that boy really likes you" and I just shrug and walk into a bedroom and sit down in this chair and a random cat jumps on my lap. While I’m stroking it, The guy I like walks by the window and stops and looks in and I pretend not to see him so since he thinks I’m not looking at him, he keeps staring into the window and I just act all calm and say some random thoughts aloud like, "I like him too but I’m just so nervous" and a few other odd tidbits, and then I woke up. In my second dream I was at school and was selling something, but I can't remember what, to these kids and they are being super bossy and rude so I yell at them and walk away but they start chasing me so I run into Mr. Isenberg's room and hide under a table and the boy I like is in there and he is like, "what are you doing in here?" so I explain and he feels very bad for me so he hugs me, and he smells like a very nice shaving lotion (which now that I think about it, is kind of weird because he doesn't shave his beard...) but then he helps me out the window and we get in his little blue truck and we started driving to his house so that he could hide me there and then I woke up which strongly upset me because I really was enjoying that dream. My third dream by far is the freakiest. My parents were working at this weird meat factory and they don't just chop up cows and pigs but they were chopping cats and this one guy hadn’t taken the time to knock the poor cat unconscious before slicing it, and it had jumped off the conveyor belt and was dripping blood because it had one of it's back legs entirely cut off and the rest of it's legs were half way cut off and the poor cat was shaved bald and was messed up with lacerations on the face and I went to go help it but my parents held me back and said that I couldn't change the way things were and I started screaming and crying. The cat just yelled and dragged itself around until it finally collapsed and died. I couldn't take it anymore and I ran out of the factory and was in the parking lot and all these people were going in to buy the dead cats and I was screaming at them to stop but none of them would listen to me and I was just screaming and crying until I couldn't breathe and I tried running away from that awful place but I couldn't find a way out and thankfully I woke up not much longer after I had begun searching for an exit. That was by far the most intense dream I have ever had. No one would stop buying the horrible meat. I think Fast Food Nation is getting to me...
"Those with the greatest awareness have the greatest nightmares" - Mahatma Gandhi
-arrivederci
P.S. - Even though Fast Food Nation is a little intense, I strongly recommend it to any ravid readers, or anyone who wants to see just how corrupt the world of industry is and just how ineffective our government is, and just how much power McDonalds truly has in this world.

the bigger picture

2009-02-28T13:45:00.000-08:00

I finally finished Fast Food nation so really I should be starting to work on the whole project that goes along with it but I've decided to become distracted by writing a blog entry for a little while. I'll give you an update of what has been happening since my last blog entry- I've sprained my ankle, I’m pulled my thy muscle. Oh and not to mention I had my heart broken... again. Maybe I should explain some things. I was descending the stairs after being woken up Thursday morning and I slipped on the second step and fell incorrectly on my ankle and sprained it. It hurt so badly that I refused to stand up for at least a good ten minutes. Regardless of my newly crippled state, I still had to go to school. First period that day I attended a talk in the lecture hall about this program called Rachel’s Challenge, which was created in the memory of Rachel Joyce Scott- the first girl to be killed in the Columbine high school shooting. It was very touching and the speaker was a girl that had lived a few towns over and is the same age as Rachel and joined the Rachel's Challenge Team. The speaker talked about others that have become Rachel's Challenge speakers and named some unexpected people like the World’s strongest man and Chuck Norris. I wonder if I would be able to keep focused on the main topic of the speech if Chuck Norris was the one talking? Probably not... Well after that I went to second period and took an incredibly hard test on rhetorical terms which I quite clearly failed. The rest of the day is rather hazy, nothing exciting enough happened to talk about. On Friday, I guess since I had been walking funny the entire day on Thursday because of my ankle, I pulled my right thy muscle. I now officially feel like an old person, because I constantly hurt every muscle and bone in my body, geesh! (Side Note: I'm listening to my Pandora.com station and the Fall Out Version of the Nightmare Before Christmas song "What's This?" is playing and I absolutely love this song.) I had forgotten to do my

history homework the previous night so I received a harsh lecture from Mr. C, but I was too tired to be really paying attention to anything he said. I read Fast Food Nation all of second period and then it was during passing period before third period that my heart broke. I saw him, but not only did I see him but I saw him holding hands with this girl... this tiny little stick of a girl. But I guess it's my fault for believing that he liked me again and having him breaking my heart again. I was stuck in a state of numbness. (for clarification- the him i am referring to isn't the one I talked about in the previous post, this is a guy that I had a thing, well more correctly labeled as an almost thing, with during the beginning of first semester.) But then he made a bad decision and decided that he would go ahead and have sex with the slut, Lauren, during the trip to San Francisco, and I was miserable, and then we were starting to get over that little incident and we're flirting and talking and texting again and BAM out of nowhere he is standing there holding some new little slut's hand. I couldn’t form complete sentences for a good ten minutes, and i didn't even attempt to open my locker, because I knew I would never be able to think of my lock combination at a time like that. I slowly made my way to Spanish; my friend was literally leading me by the hand because I was too deep in thought and despair to know where I was going. I stood outside of Spanish class on the brink of tears, trying to convey my shock to my other friend when she whispers that the boy that I currently have interest in, overheard us. I suddenly dropped to an even lower level of miserable, now he had seen me being a mopey pathetic loser. I briefly contemplated throwing myself off the foreign language building's roof. All I could say for a while after that was, "oh gosh." The rest of that school day was a complete blur. My dad dropped my off at my grandmother's house so I could attend my aunt's birthday party, and after giving my family a brief “hello,” I went into my room and locked the door, and cried for a good half hour and then fixed my make-up, put on a smile and walked into the living room. My grandma instantly knew something was wrong (she is just amazing like that) and made me forget all my problems by giving me a big heaping pile of sopa, beans, and a 'Mexican sandwich' which truly made my heart heal a little.
So this morning I woke up and just sat in my bed for an hour just thinking, and re-thinking everything. I've re-established the conclusion that I came to about a month ago, I really dislike everything about myself and regret almost the entire life I’ve thus far led.I had a very long discussion with my mother this morning about my schedule for this upcoming senior year, and I’ve decided that I’m going to be taking anatomy as my elective. That should prove to be... interesting. Then I had a talk with my mother about how unfair the corporate world is to the common people and I commented on how I wondered if the men and women who lead these unjust conglomerations have a conscious, because I know from experience that when I do something bad I have to put up with my conscious screaming at me day and night until I atone for my actions. These people have committed some serious offenses, they are killing people, they are feeding them the unhealthiest of meats filled with the most lethal of diseases and they are making their food so disgustingly fattening that it is killing people or taking many many many years from a persons life because of their obesity. Can people just ignore their conscious? My mom said that I shouldn't let my conscious torture me, but rather to let it guide me and that's just what my shrink had been saying. I used to get more depressed when I saw how everything would always end up being about my personal problems, but now I just laugh. Me and the world, we've got a lot in common. We both need to get over ourselves and start helping others.

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

-- John Lennon (1940-1980)

- au revoir

p.s.- I recommend that everyone check out the Rachel's Challenge website and at least see what all the hubbub is about. You can also watch the youtube video.

First Impressions

2009-02-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

Taking the advice of my friend, I've decided to start a blog. I already have some things written up and I'll post here or maybe I'll save them for a day when i have nothing interesting to write. Perhaps a good place to start would be writing a little bit about myself. My name.... I'm still debating whether or not I'm ever going to use my real name or if i should just make one up, so for now I'll just skip that part. I've been born and raised in southern California, I've never lived anywhere else. Even though SoCal is pretty warm, I'm still the most comfortable in my jeans and a t-shirt. I wear jeans about 355 days out of the year, and i wear a t-shirt with the name of any of my favorite bands on it, every single day. If you haven't already noticed, I'm an intense creature of habit. I enjoy change, just not when it comes to my wardrobe, my diet, or my relationships. I have two really close friends and about ten good friends, and i know a lot of people that i would call friends but i don't feel the same way about them as i do for my closer friends. I have two obsessions- music and boys. I need music 24/7. This is not even the slightest bit an exaggeration- i am listening to music constantly. Even when i can't listen to music on my mp3, on the radio, or on my computer, i have my own personal music player in my head (does that make me sound crazy? i hope not.) that plays my favorite songs. I don't have a favorite band right now, because it used to be fall out boy but i honestly don't feel the way about that that i used to, i mean i still love to listen to their music but.. it just isn't the same. My second obsession is boys, I really do hate this part about myself but i just never seem to think about much else. At the moment I like this one guy, and this has both good news and bad news. The good news is that he knows i exist and has talked to me before, but the bad news is that i came on way to strongly and scared him. I like him way too much for not even knowing him that well but the weirdest part is that i feel like i do know him. He is so deeply insightful and intelligent that it blows my mind. I've never met and one like him but I'm too embarrassed to go to my locker when he is at his... First entry and I've already accidentally gone on an unexpected tangent, sorry. Well I think this is a good insight of my thought process. I've got to go do my actual homework, and I've got to finish reading fast food nation. I'm terribly sorry for not having my thoughts organized today but it's been a very strange week.

Hasta Manana.

P.S- I'm on this wired Kafka frenzy at the moment. I advise anyone who believes that they are of any true intellect to pick up any of Kafka's novels or go and find any of his works online.
"A book must be the ax for the frozen sea within us. "
- Kafka