I swear it

I promise to start posting regularly again. Mainly because I need this outlet again.

I have a lot to say since my last update but I thought I would do something that I promised a while back- give ya'll another excerpt from my story. Yes, this is the story of my downfall but then rise back into self-confidence and all that other feminist bullshit. This is just a chapter or two before the story gets really dark. I changed the name of the clothing design company for obvious reasons, but other then that, everything else is accurate to the best of my memory.

It was a little after one in the afternoon as I stared at my phone as it vibrated. The caller I.D. read his name. Answer and have to follow through on my deal? Not answer and have to face consequences worse than I could imagine?

“Hello?” I answered softly, my parents were awake in the room across the hall from mine.

“You need to come get fitted for the dress that you’ll be wearing tonight.” He said quickly

“dress? Wait, tonight? That’s very short notice…” I said confused

“A car will be there to pick you up at two o’clock” he said and then he hung up.

“fuck.”

I sat up on my bed… what have I gotten myself into? Getting out of bed, I made my way to the living room and told my parents that I was going to hang out with my friend Anna today and that she would be picking me up in an hour. I felt a pang of guilt as I lied to them but I know its in their best interest if I kept the truth to myself. Quickly, I got ready for what was coming.

On the dot, my phone vibrated. A new text message read “your car is waiting.”

I put on my best fake smile and made my way out of the house, reminding my parents that Anna was picking me up and that I was going to spend the night at her house and I would return home the following day. There was a black limo waiting for me down the block. Really? A limo? He couldn’t send anything less… obvious? I slowly made my way to the limo and got in. There was no one else in there as I got in. The limo started moving as soon as I shut the door. The divider between the back and the driver was up, I couldn’t see where we were going. I had a bit of an anxiety attack but eventually I laid down and drifted off to sleep as tears rolled down my eyes.

“Ma’am” came a voice as I felt someone gently shaking me.

“what?” I said as I opened my eyes to see a young man, probably in his early twenties, standing outside the limo.

“we’re here” he said helping me out of the limo.

“and where is here?” I asked, more of a rhetorical question but he answered me anyways.

He looked away from me.

"I guess you're not allowed to tell me."

He shifted uncomfortable before saying "your dress appointment is upstairs in suite 302”

I thanked him and made my way into the building. Trying to clean up my tear stained face as I made my way up three flights of stairs. I found the room quickly and read the name on the wall next to the door:

Freedom Fashions

“Freedom… that has a bit of an ironic taste to it…” I thought to myself. I opened the door and was met by a perky blonde receptionist behind a circular desk. I told her my name and she showed me through the door next to the desk, down a hallway and into a door on the left. She asked me to take off my clothes except for my undergarments. I nodded as she left me alone in the room and then looked around the well lit room. Pictures of flowers hung on the salmon colored walls, an overstuffed green couch against one wall, a sewing machine and a huge bookshelf holding different fabrics against the opposite wall and a large window on the wall across from the door. There was a dress form, a few stools, and a coffee table taking up most of the space in the middle of the room. I slowly undressed, placing my clothes across one of the arms of the couch and then sat down. The urge to cry was back again but this time I fought it, there wasn’t time to cry. I had to stay focused if I wanted to make it out alive. I wasn’t really worried that he would kill me, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that considered the idea that I wouldn’t live through the day. Before I could get too caught up in my morbid thoughts, the door opened and tall red-headed woman walked in.

“You? Why did he send you? Are you his daughter? You’re so young. I didn’t know he had a daughter” she asked, with a Brooklyn accent.

“I… I’m not his daughter” I said as she grabbed a measuring tape and started measuring me.

She suddenly stopped and looked at me. “oh god honey, what are you doing with him? How old are you? You don't even look 16!” I just shook my head and gave into the tears. “you poor girl,” She said going back to measuring, “we need to get this dress fitted or he’ll have both our heads. I’m sure that you’re going to be just fine. He wouldn’t hurt a darling little thing like you.” She added with a weak smile. I nodded and just stood there as she finished measuring. When she finished, she snapped her fingers. “I’ve got it, I know which dress would be perfect, just a little adjustment and it would be perfect. I’ll be right back,” She said rushing out of the room. I stood there looking out the window, contemplating jumping out of it. She was back before I could act. “This is the dress,” She said proudly, holding out a white halter dress. It was very low cut and floor length with a leg slit and the skirt was tiered. “It’s beautiful,” I told her, gazing at the dress. It would have been the perfect wedding dress… but here I am about to wear it to what could possibly be the last night of my life. She had me try on the dress, and it was perfect, she pinned it up a little in the back and made minor adjustments but overall, it was a perfect fit. She left the room again and I changed back into my clothes and took a seat on the couch. After a while, she walked back in, with the dress in a dress bag on her arm, and sat down beside me on the couch. She put her arm around me and said, “I don’t know how you’ve gotten here baby girl, but you’ve got to be a fighter. These people prey on the weak. Be strong. You’ve got to act like you’re supposed to be here.” And with that, she stood up, and helped me out of the room and out to receptionist’s desk. “goodbye honey,” She said giving me a kiss on the head and handing me the dress before disappearing through the door I had just walked out of. “Thank you for choosing Freedom Fashions,” the receptionist said as I left suite 302.

I hope that wasn't too depressing for everyone. I promise you the story ends well, I'm still alive, aren't I?

So I go back to Fresno for my sophomore year of college in a little over a week. I'm excited but I'm going to miss my old roommate. She's an RA now and gets her own dorm, and I'm going to be roomming with another friend of mine. I sure hope she isn't a neat freak or I'll drive that poor girl up a wall.

I guess I should probably share the big news about what happened to me this summer. I got a new chin. No, it was NOT plastic surgery. I've had an overbite my whole life and I finally had the corrective surgery at the begining of this summer. It kinda sucked at first because I was in boatloads of pain, couldn't eat any solids, had puffy hamster cheeks, and couldn't move. So I was bedridden for almost a month before I had the energy to stand up. But I've healed rather quickly. It's been nine weeks and I'm eating a normal diet (gaining back all the weight I had lost from my liquid diet) and am pretty active.

In other news, I no longer live with my parents. My parents debts were getting a little too overwhelming so they had to retrench. They now rent out a single room in this crazy cat lady's house. While I live with my grandparents in one of the extra guest rooms in their house. I have to be careful when I tell people that I don't live with my parents because for some reason they tend to assume that I was kicked out, which I wasn't.

I'm kinda exhausted so I'm going to finish up my laundry then go to bed.

but I swear that I will be wayyyy better about posting.

- Sabrina

The end of an era

Sweet Jesus, it's been a while since I updated. That was at the very start of first semester and i'm now wrapping up my second semester. I really do feel bad for not updating often. Not sure why I don't do it more often, it really helps me relive stress. I can't even really do it now because I have to go to class but i'll write a crap load of stuff when I get back :)

(updated photo of me while I was in San Fran with my sister and her roommates)

[next part added post math class]

I'm not really sure what to write because so much has happened since I last wrote... I suppose i'll start with the most significant. I joined this amazing christian group on campus called Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and basically all the friends I have are from that group. (surprise, surprise, i actually have quite a few friends, it's quite shocking)

(most of Intervarsity during a conference in Bakersfield)

Monday nights is bible study, wednesday night is large group, sunday morning/night is church.

Catherine and Emily are my closest friends here (even though we've been getting on eachother's nerves lately...)

(Me and Catherine)

Remember when I was complaining about the loft beds? Problem solved :) We lowered them, left one desk in the bedroom and moved the other out into the living room. so now we have regular height beds (well, to be honest, they are still a bit taller then most beds, i even have to get a running start to jump onto it)

I try to keep my side of the room clean but I slip up and it starts to look like a tornado came through and I then take it as a cue to stop being such a slob and straighten things out.

I no longer want to be a veterinarian. My life long dream had come crashing down. Not sure what I want to do with my life any more but I don't think it'll have anything to do with the medical field. I'm switching to be an economics major but I have yet to make the official changes. I don't want to be an economist but that's the direction i'm currently pursuing.

I bought a pet fish and his name is Sherlock. He's albino and has some sever mental issues but we get along alright. He used to hate me but now he understands that I am the one who feeds him so he tries to be nice to me.

( my fish, Sherlock)

I've recently joined the worship team for intervarsity and have taken over playing guitar for large group since their old guitar player had scheduling conflicts and could no longer make it to wednesday nights. I'm still a crap player but luckily, church songs are ridiculously easy to play :)

I took this stupid half semester class for "leadership" in order to be an RA or PSA but my stupid GPA was one freaking grade point below the cut off point so i wasn't accepted but i'm going to try again to get it for spring semester next year.

There is a lot of stuff to say about my love life but i'll try to sum it up:

1) I like Ryley

2) Ryley likes me

3) Ryley is too scared for his 'bros' to know he likes me so he pretends to just want to sleep with me

(top to bottom: Ryley, Emily, Me)

4) I like Andrew

5) Andrew has zero idea that I like him

6) Andrew is the perfect Christian and i'm afraid all my emotional baggage would ruin him

(Andrew and I on the swings)

7) I like Josh

8) I have no idea if Josh likes me or not

9) Josh is intimidatingly hot (that boy is smokin' hot)

10) I think I like Sam (not sure)

11) Sam does not like me

so basically I'm going to be forever alone...

I've become addicted to tumblr. It's ruining my life one day at a time. I seem to lose countless hours on that stupid site... :(

I take way too many naps, I'm sleeping my life away. I always have good intentions to go study but end up taking a nap instead.

I'm way more active (not lately though). I work out a lot, I go to a work out class three times a week and I try to just run on the treadmill and whatnot.

I can't think of things to write so i'm going to finish working on my report due on tuesday and I'll add more later. I promise to try and update much more often :)

(the Intervarsity girls)

- Sabrina