Empathy

I stumbled on an interesting link someone had posted on tumblr.
It was a test that measured how empathtic you are.
It's a 60 question test. It gives you a statement and then you answer by one of the following four choices- "definitely agree" "mostly agree" "mostly disagree" "definitely disagree"

So I took the damn test.

Well... fuck...
As much as I would like to be shocked by this, I'm really not all that surprised.
I've been called a heartless bitch plenty of times. So I guess my low empathy quotient didn't catch me too off guard.

I've always suspected that I maybe had high-functioning autism but I've been to enough shrinks to know that if I did have it, one of them would/should have noticed.

If you guys are curious as to your own levels, you can take the test here.

I know it isn't scientific or anything but it's definitely an indicator...

The opposite of anger is not calmness, its empathy.
Mehmet Oz 
 


Good day, fellows!
- Sabrina

I Guess It Finally Caught Up With Me

There's no way to word this that won't come off sounding like an ass so I'll just be frank about it- I'm smarter than most people.
This statement comes from a few sources. My dad and his side of my family all have what my mother has nicknames the Gamboa-superiority-complex. But it's justified. My father and both my uncles are the smartest men I have ever met. Not as in phd's or anything like that. But their knowledge of real world situations and life is unbeatable. They all have been extensive and rabid readers since they were young boys. They know all there is about computers and they are modern age jacks-of-all-trades. My dad can turn a piece of wood into a beautiful masterpiece, whip out anything craft related with his eyes shut, discuss current politics, and trump anyone (short of Steven Colbert) on their knowledge of all things Tolkien.
I won't flatter myself by saying that I'm as intelligent (or useful) as any of them but they have all pushed me in an intellectually-founded direction in my life. My reading level has always been light years above my peers and my knowledge base is far wider than any twenty-year-old I've ever met. (I will concede to several brilliant kids that attended my high school- of which I believe two of them may end up being among the brightest minds of our generation)
You might be asking yourself why I'm spending so much time sounding like a pompous idiot. Well, rest assured that there is a point.
Because of my superior intelligence (in relativity to my own age group) I have never had any real difficulty in classes. I never really received a bad grade that wasn't just a direct result of my sheer laziness. I've always found homework to be tedious and repetitive and do my utmost best to avoid it at all costs. But thanks to my intelligence and test-taking skills, I've been able to coast through school very easily. Putting in almost no effort while still getting good grades.
Well, it's finally caught up with me.
As a junior in college, the workload is finally at a level that challenges me. Part of me loves it but most of me hates it with a passion. I've never cultivated study skills, or the patience for hours and hours of homework and I'm now paying the price.
I'm failing almost every class this semester (and several last semester) because I can't get myself to focus and do the necessary work.
Dammit why couldn't my parents have told me that I was an idiot so that I would have a better work ethic?
As much as I wish I could blame them, I know it's my own fault. Laziness has been my number one skill for far too long but things need to change or i'm going to have to retake microeconomics for a third fucking time and absolutely no one wants that. (Pretty sure that teacher may feint if I show up in her class again next semester)
So I need to figure out how this whole "work and study ethics" thing works.

It isn't going to cut into my tumblr time too much, right?


I don't love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful.
Natalie Portman 





ardievas
- Sabrina

P.s. Here's a song I found this morning that i'm already in love with! Lewis Watson has an amazing voice and the lyrics are beautiful    :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIVe85qzzQY

Powered by Jane Austen

Day two of putting off homework. It's due at 8am tomorrow so I really should be getting my act together. I was just thinking about how I didn't really update too terribly much on what my life has been like lately. So I guess things are about to get personal.

Well, I no longer live in the dorms. It's a bit farther from campus than I would like but I live in a very nice three story town-home with three lovely ladies. There's been some house drama but that's to be expected when you put four young girls in a house together. You enter on the second story where there is a living room and kitchen. Upstairs is the laundry room and two bedrooms and downstairs is another two bedrooms. We all have our own bathroom which is pretty fantastic. This is the very first time in my entire life that I've had my very own bedroom. I've always either had to share with my sister or a roommate. I love it! But I do have a tendency to let my room get pretty messy but every so often I get fed up and go on a cleaning spree.

My best friend lives about three blocks away so I get to see her pretty often which is cool. She has the weirdest red-neck roommates and they drive her crazy so I do my best not to complain about my roommate problems since hers are always worse. She also just turned 21 a few days ago so i'm excited for how much more fun our hang outs are going to be ;)

I was neck deep in a christian group on campus for two years but due to a combo of my dislike of socializing and their tendency toward the formation of cliques, we've parted ways at the beginning of my third year. I'm still friendly with all of them especially since one of my roommates is very active in their group still. God and I are taking a bit of a break from each other right now. I'm just trying to figure out what works best for me.

I'm almost done with my G.E. which is exciting! If I don't fail any of my classes (which is a possibility) then I'll be done at the end of this semester. I'm probably going to fail my Pilates class because I never go and I didn't find a group to do the group project with.So that just leaves just figuring out what the fuck to do with my major. I've already changed form animal science. I never got around to officially filling out the paper work to switch to economics but I've been steadily taking the required classes. The thing is, I'm really bad at economics. I'm actually pretty bad at everything so I have absolutely no clue what to do with my life which is straight up frightening. I'm trying not to get super depressed about it but I'm scared.

Oh no! I was going to try to keep this post light and happy. ummmm....

Have any of you been watching The Lizzie Bennet Diaries series on youtube?
If you aren't, I highly recommend it. There are currently 98 episodes so you have quite a bit of catching up to do.
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6690D980D8A65D08
I've always been a huge lover of all things Jane Austen but this adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is so well done and I'm very hopeful that it brings in a lot of people from this generation to also come to appreciate her work. It makes me really sad when people my age tell me that they just can't get through any of Jane Austen's stories because they are nothing but "talking" and it's too "old". That's the pure beauty of it. That's where the drama is found! Through the crazy events and so much he-said she-said, it boils down to be about miscommunication between people. And that is something that is timeless. I couldn't possibly count all the times there has been miscommunications in my life. All of her stories, but particularly Pride and Prejudice, are so much a reflection on human nature! Written in 1813, this 200 year old book about young people making a mess of the love lives of others and their own is just as applicable to today's youth as it was back then and will be 200 years down the road. We all judge people, we all make mistakes, and we work our way through it all and hope for the best. The folly of young people in and out of love is timeless. So if you do watch and enjoy the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, I also highly recommend reading Pride and Prejudice along with all of Jane Austen's novels. You won't regret it.

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Jane Austen  

Okay, that seems like enough time up on my soap box and I really do need to start my homework now.
Good luck, good reading, and good day :)
- Sabrina

Neverwhere

I should be doing my microecon homework (so that I don't fail this class for a second time) but I've begun listening to the new BBC radio version of Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. Oh the joys of listening to such a good story. I wish I had it to read along with the audio. Never been much good at taking in anything just through audio.
I have an obsession with Benedict Cumberbatch and he is (soon) to be in one of the episodes as the angel Islington. I've never read this story before but it's really crazy but very good. But I guess that's just Neil Gaiman for you.
You may be wondering just how obsessed I am with Mr. Cumberbatch. Let me answer that by presenting you with a link to my tumblr.
www.theresamorepermanentdestination.tumblr.com
It is 100% dedicated to Benedict Cumberbatch. Creepy? Yes, i'd agree. That's why I'm now decided that I can never meet him in person because I'd be that creepy fan girl who has seen basically every single picture ever taken of him. I made a clay statue of his face for goodness sake. To be fair, it was for an art class and we had to pick a face that we were familiar with and I've been looking at pictures of his face practically everyday for two years, so it seemed like the natural choice.

I wasn't kidding. That's my sculpture.

 These are a few of the pictures that I used for reference.



Taking an art class is a new thing for me. My sister and my dad are very skilled artists but I've never been the least bit artistically inclined. It's been an interesting experience.
The very first assignment was to recreate a piece of famous artwork. We had to use cardboard and we had to make it a relief sculpture. I chose The Card Players by Cezzane. It was very fun and I think it turned out pretty well. My teacher actually put it on display for a little while.

I've managed to put off homework this long. Even skipped going to Pilates. Oh well. Time to hit the books.

The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.
Pablo Picasso 

Catch ya later

- Sabrina

Thought I'd take a second to update on how my life is going. It's been a little over a year since I've even thought about this blog. God, I had forgotten how angsty I was back in the day.

good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Bad news first I suppose.
I won't be finishing the story on what happened to me. I have several reasons for this choice.
I've finally reached a point in my life where I finally have a sense of closure. I was 15 when it started and 17 when it ended. It was two very strange years of my life in which I made so very awful mistakes but learned important lessons and made some amazing memories. I'll always have a place in my heart for everyone that was involved and I'll never forget how much and how deeply I loved him. But i'm soon to be 21 and I need to move on with my life and not be hung up on the actions of my young self. I no longer have the pressure inside, threatening to burst if I don't spill out what happened to me. I have a whole new life in a whole new place. I sincerely wish them all the best of luck in all their endeavors and I truly believe all of them, especially him, feel the same towards me.
Now for the good news!
I've recently delved back into the world of dating and it's turned out to be more the circus than I had remembered so from now on I vow to keep angsty posts to a minimum and instead opt to share the sad but mostly hilarious stories of my dating experiences along with silly anecdotes about my ridiculous life. I hope that doesn't sound too vapid and boring. I promise to make it as enjoyable as possible.

Full disclosure- I joined (at the insistence of my best friend) a dating site. It's ridiculous. I've been on several dates. With varying levels of success, I've finally gotten the hang of how to weed through the bad ones to get to the winners. For your enjoyment, I present some of the pathetic attempts and frankly frightening messages I've received.

"Wow, you're freaking gorgeous....... 6foot 1 athletic veteran helicopter pilot, amazing job, sweet, caring, generous, smart....only reason I'm single is my 1 kink/hang up.... I'm always faithful but enjoy my gfs sleeping with other men...I know... Weird...but lets chat? "

 What the heck. I didn't even know what to make of that one. I mean, who tells a girl, in their first message to who, that they have a really creepy fetish? EW!

"Hi how are u doing? I'm looking for a good kind hearted. An sweet an funny women. An i look inside not on the out side. Cuse look are just looks they can change but inside is where u get to really know the person. Cuse I was raised better then that u treat a women like a queen. An u dnt put her down u do anything u can to bring her up when she is down. An u never ever lay your hand on a women. An u open doors for her. An u listen to her when she wants to talk. An u be there for her no mater what"

I've always known that I can never date anyone less intelligent than myself, so clearly this poor fellow didn't get a reply from me.

"Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear "I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it" and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch's grape juice."

So major points for creativity but the level of weird is too overpowering. Sorry sir but you are the weakest link.

"finally, a girl that has a smile that could light up this whole town."

Although I could almost drown in the cheese, I did reply. But sadly, he turned out to be as boring as a loaf of bread. A good opening line does not equal an interesting personality.

"So I was driving around and reading your profile and was very very interested in chatting with you love. I'm ***** (name removed) self made in many ways and open minded at the max. I'm 24 Brazilian Italian mix I speak Russian I'm busy almost never on the weekends lol during the week well different story. I own my house and my cars right out (no payments) I've been considered a gentleman however I know how to be bad if need be, thanks to the 6 years spent as an Ex Navy member I was in Afghanistan for 4 years. Anyways hope that doesn't throw you off now and days most people frown on military people. I don't hate it, it's just that they have no idea or understanding of it. Anyways lol enough about me, hope to hear back from you ;) "

My favorite part is when he tries to guilt me into replying by claiming that civilians hate military men. My best friend is in the national guard, so his argument is simply stupid. He didn't get a reply.

"looking cute in white"

What is he implying here? I look so cute in white that I should get in a wedding dress and marry you right here, right now? No thanks.

"hey how are you? I'm ***** (name removed), I'm 25yr and I'm from **** (removed). Im mostly looking for someone cool to talk to and be friends, if you wanna chat with me. i hope so, you seem really cool lol"

When I didn't reply, he sent me a second message:

"hey, well im sry im not wanting to bug you, i promise. i really would like to make friends and have someone fun to cat with. its kind of embarrassing telling u this, I'm gay. i hope you dont dislike that i am or anything. im not ready to come all the way out yet and i feel really nervous to come out to you. so would u like to chat with me hun?"

Now I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt but there's no way he could come across my profile unless he put down that he was a straight man looking for straight women. Just the idea that a man would lie about being gay just for the sake of getting a girl to talk to him is just so completely insane that I can't really even wrap my brain around it.




I'll keep you guys posted and maybe i'll share some of the horrifically awful dates I've had so far. (One of them involves a scandalous one night stand, alcohol, and The Hobbit...)


- Sabrina <3 font="">




“Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex."
"At least you know he's still available.” 
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Progression

I know nobody will ever read this in all its entirety. Maybe a couple souls will stumble upon bits and pieces of it but I not a single person will ever know everything I went though. And honestly, I think I prefer it. Trying to put the last several years into words is the hardest thing to do because there isn't a single word I could write or sentence I can put together that will ever convey the depths of pain and the heights of joy that I experienced. Just reading one of this "chapters" would be enough to show anyone that I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not in any way a writer. I just have a story that I need to tell for my own sake. It needs to be out there so that it will no longer be in me.

Progression

It was nightly video chatting, then nightly video chatting and daily phone calls, then nightly video chatting, daily phone calls, and constant text messaging. Then we hit a sort of plateau. We were both anxious for more. More contact. More real. So then we decided that we had to meet in person. The perfect idea sprang into my head.

A week later I told my parents that I had won a radio contest and got free tickets to a concert. I assured them that I wasn't going alone and that I would take my new friend "Madeline" with me since she was such a huge fan of the band.

They were so trusting. It hurt me to see them look so happy for me as I told them all the lies. Mom and dad, never in a million years would they have guessed the truth.

I must have spend three hours, at least, making myself look better, hotter, older.

Luckily it was already dark outside when it was time for "Madeline" to come pick me up, so my parents wouldn't be able to look outside and see who was driving the black Corolla sitting in the driveway.

Sitting on my bed, I heard a honk come from the driveway. Take deep breaths. Relax. This night will be amazing and everything will be fine. I stood up and went outside. The passenger door was unlocked so I opened it and sat down, putting on my seat belt and adjusting myself and my seat. I took another deep breath.

Hello.

compose yourself.

I looked up and smiled, still unable to process everything that was happening. And to make things worse, he looked amazing.

Suddenly a fear seized me. What if it was horribly awkward and we had nothing to talk about and this was just a train wreck? Oh God.

One of his many talents is avoiding the awkward and always having a good time. This can be a negative and a positive. But in this situation it was a god send.

After about an hour we were at the venue. We were running late and the show had already started. Grabbing my hand, he ran to get to our seats.

Front. Fucking. Row.

I'd never in the front row for anything in my entire life. It was amazing. Not only can you see the band, but they can see you.

I was having the most wonderful night of my life with a fantastic guy. Everything was perfect.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the ride back to my house. He shook my arm gently to wake me up once we were there.

"Thanks for tonight" he said smiling.

"No, thank you. This was the best night of my life!" I whispered, sitting up.

He leaned in. I think he wants a kiss. Oh sweet jesus.

"Good night" I said quickly, getting out of the car and going into my house. As soon as I closed the front door behind me, I leaned against it and sank to the floor.

What just happened? What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck.

I looked up to see the headlights flash across the wall as he pulled out of the drive way and drive away.

Fuck.

Okay, that's all I can write for today.

- Sabrina

Fuck it.

I'm going to finish telling my story. I won't get through it in one post but i'm dedicated to getting this off my chest. It's been on my shoulders alone for the past six and a half years and I'm finally to a point where I realize how important it is for me to get this out there before I can move on. I put a reminder on my phone that will go off on ce a week to remind me to add a good chapter more to the story.

so this is how it happened. From the beggining.

Sitting in my bedroom, I was listening to a CD my friend Stacia had given me. So nobody band, but I liked there stuff. It was probably the tenth time I had listened to it that day when I decided to check out their myspace page [author's note: yes, myspace, that's how long ago this happened]. The page said someone from the band was currently online so I submitted some comment about how much I liked their music and how I would love to maybe see them in concert some time, but I wasn't really expecting an answer. I was probably on a different web page several minutes later when I got a message back. The lead singer how written a reply and had asked me how I had heard of them. I replied that my friend had heard of them in connection with one of her favorite bands. He asked what kind of music I listened to. We kept up this back and forth for almost four hours when he asked if we could chat via webcam. Rushing to go make myself look presentable, I came back and said that I would. It was really awkward at first but after the first fifteen minutes the conversation finally began to have a smooth flow. Then he asked the big question: "how old are you?"

I panicked and lied, "17, almost 18." I had only recently turned 15.

"You look awfully young to almost be 18"

"how old are you?"

"23"

It was silent for a moment.

"So what do you for fun in southern California?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

The conversation went back to normal.

The video chat went on for another half hour until I was exhausted and had to head to bed.

"well goodnight, James"

"hey, can we video chat tomorrow night?" he asked, looking down.

"um, sure" I said, not really sure if I should.

He brightened. "cool, goodnight."

And that's how it all started to go wrong.

We video chatted the next night, and the next, and the next...

I have to go to french class now. But I think I've given the best introduction that I could. Yes, I was only 15 and the time and he was actually 27. He lied too. My story isn't for the faint of heart. I am telling you ahead of time that if you cannot handle the age gap, you should not continue to read my story as I lay it out. But it ends well for both parties. James (all names have been changed for the sake of privacy) is off somewhere enjoying life and I'm currently pursuing my college education, majoring in economics and minoring in business. I know I just ruined how it ends, but I highly suggest you continue reading. It'll be worth it.

As always, please give feedback :)

Au revoir

- Sabrina