Fuck it.

I'm going to finish telling my story. I won't get through it in one post but i'm dedicated to getting this off my chest. It's been on my shoulders alone for the past six and a half years and I'm finally to a point where I realize how important it is for me to get this out there before I can move on. I put a reminder on my phone that will go off on ce a week to remind me to add a good chapter more to the story.

so this is how it happened. From the beggining.

Sitting in my bedroom, I was listening to a CD my friend Stacia had given me. So nobody band, but I liked there stuff. It was probably the tenth time I had listened to it that day when I decided to check out their myspace page [author's note: yes, myspace, that's how long ago this happened]. The page said someone from the band was currently online so I submitted some comment about how much I liked their music and how I would love to maybe see them in concert some time, but I wasn't really expecting an answer. I was probably on a different web page several minutes later when I got a message back. The lead singer how written a reply and had asked me how I had heard of them. I replied that my friend had heard of them in connection with one of her favorite bands. He asked what kind of music I listened to. We kept up this back and forth for almost four hours when he asked if we could chat via webcam. Rushing to go make myself look presentable, I came back and said that I would. It was really awkward at first but after the first fifteen minutes the conversation finally began to have a smooth flow. Then he asked the big question: "how old are you?"

I panicked and lied, "17, almost 18." I had only recently turned 15.

"You look awfully young to almost be 18"

"how old are you?"

"23"

It was silent for a moment.

"So what do you for fun in southern California?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

The conversation went back to normal.

The video chat went on for another half hour until I was exhausted and had to head to bed.

"well goodnight, James"

"hey, can we video chat tomorrow night?" he asked, looking down.

"um, sure" I said, not really sure if I should.

He brightened. "cool, goodnight."

And that's how it all started to go wrong.

We video chatted the next night, and the next, and the next...

I have to go to french class now. But I think I've given the best introduction that I could. Yes, I was only 15 and the time and he was actually 27. He lied too. My story isn't for the faint of heart. I am telling you ahead of time that if you cannot handle the age gap, you should not continue to read my story as I lay it out. But it ends well for both parties. James (all names have been changed for the sake of privacy) is off somewhere enjoying life and I'm currently pursuing my college education, majoring in economics and minoring in business. I know I just ruined how it ends, but I highly suggest you continue reading. It'll be worth it.

As always, please give feedback :)

Au revoir

- Sabrina

I swear it

I promise to start posting regularly again. Mainly because I need this outlet again.

I have a lot to say since my last update but I thought I would do something that I promised a while back- give ya'll another excerpt from my story. Yes, this is the story of my downfall but then rise back into self-confidence and all that other feminist bullshit. This is just a chapter or two before the story gets really dark. I changed the name of the clothing design company for obvious reasons, but other then that, everything else is accurate to the best of my memory.

It was a little after one in the afternoon as I stared at my phone as it vibrated. The caller I.D. read his name. Answer and have to follow through on my deal? Not answer and have to face consequences worse than I could imagine?

“Hello?” I answered softly, my parents were awake in the room across the hall from mine.

“You need to come get fitted for the dress that you’ll be wearing tonight.” He said quickly

“dress? Wait, tonight? That’s very short notice…” I said confused

“A car will be there to pick you up at two o’clock” he said and then he hung up.

“fuck.”

I sat up on my bed… what have I gotten myself into? Getting out of bed, I made my way to the living room and told my parents that I was going to hang out with my friend Anna today and that she would be picking me up in an hour. I felt a pang of guilt as I lied to them but I know its in their best interest if I kept the truth to myself. Quickly, I got ready for what was coming.

On the dot, my phone vibrated. A new text message read “your car is waiting.”

I put on my best fake smile and made my way out of the house, reminding my parents that Anna was picking me up and that I was going to spend the night at her house and I would return home the following day. There was a black limo waiting for me down the block. Really? A limo? He couldn’t send anything less… obvious? I slowly made my way to the limo and got in. There was no one else in there as I got in. The limo started moving as soon as I shut the door. The divider between the back and the driver was up, I couldn’t see where we were going. I had a bit of an anxiety attack but eventually I laid down and drifted off to sleep as tears rolled down my eyes.

“Ma’am” came a voice as I felt someone gently shaking me.

“what?” I said as I opened my eyes to see a young man, probably in his early twenties, standing outside the limo.

“we’re here” he said helping me out of the limo.

“and where is here?” I asked, more of a rhetorical question but he answered me anyways.

He looked away from me.

"I guess you're not allowed to tell me."

He shifted uncomfortable before saying "your dress appointment is upstairs in suite 302”

I thanked him and made my way into the building. Trying to clean up my tear stained face as I made my way up three flights of stairs. I found the room quickly and read the name on the wall next to the door:

Freedom Fashions

“Freedom… that has a bit of an ironic taste to it…” I thought to myself. I opened the door and was met by a perky blonde receptionist behind a circular desk. I told her my name and she showed me through the door next to the desk, down a hallway and into a door on the left. She asked me to take off my clothes except for my undergarments. I nodded as she left me alone in the room and then looked around the well lit room. Pictures of flowers hung on the salmon colored walls, an overstuffed green couch against one wall, a sewing machine and a huge bookshelf holding different fabrics against the opposite wall and a large window on the wall across from the door. There was a dress form, a few stools, and a coffee table taking up most of the space in the middle of the room. I slowly undressed, placing my clothes across one of the arms of the couch and then sat down. The urge to cry was back again but this time I fought it, there wasn’t time to cry. I had to stay focused if I wanted to make it out alive. I wasn’t really worried that he would kill me, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that considered the idea that I wouldn’t live through the day. Before I could get too caught up in my morbid thoughts, the door opened and tall red-headed woman walked in.

“You? Why did he send you? Are you his daughter? You’re so young. I didn’t know he had a daughter” she asked, with a Brooklyn accent.

“I… I’m not his daughter” I said as she grabbed a measuring tape and started measuring me.

She suddenly stopped and looked at me. “oh god honey, what are you doing with him? How old are you? You don't even look 16!” I just shook my head and gave into the tears. “you poor girl,” She said going back to measuring, “we need to get this dress fitted or he’ll have both our heads. I’m sure that you’re going to be just fine. He wouldn’t hurt a darling little thing like you.” She added with a weak smile. I nodded and just stood there as she finished measuring. When she finished, she snapped her fingers. “I’ve got it, I know which dress would be perfect, just a little adjustment and it would be perfect. I’ll be right back,” She said rushing out of the room. I stood there looking out the window, contemplating jumping out of it. She was back before I could act. “This is the dress,” She said proudly, holding out a white halter dress. It was very low cut and floor length with a leg slit and the skirt was tiered. “It’s beautiful,” I told her, gazing at the dress. It would have been the perfect wedding dress… but here I am about to wear it to what could possibly be the last night of my life. She had me try on the dress, and it was perfect, she pinned it up a little in the back and made minor adjustments but overall, it was a perfect fit. She left the room again and I changed back into my clothes and took a seat on the couch. After a while, she walked back in, with the dress in a dress bag on her arm, and sat down beside me on the couch. She put her arm around me and said, “I don’t know how you’ve gotten here baby girl, but you’ve got to be a fighter. These people prey on the weak. Be strong. You’ve got to act like you’re supposed to be here.” And with that, she stood up, and helped me out of the room and out to receptionist’s desk. “goodbye honey,” She said giving me a kiss on the head and handing me the dress before disappearing through the door I had just walked out of. “Thank you for choosing Freedom Fashions,” the receptionist said as I left suite 302.

I hope that wasn't too depressing for everyone. I promise you the story ends well, I'm still alive, aren't I?

So I go back to Fresno for my sophomore year of college in a little over a week. I'm excited but I'm going to miss my old roommate. She's an RA now and gets her own dorm, and I'm going to be roomming with another friend of mine. I sure hope she isn't a neat freak or I'll drive that poor girl up a wall.

I guess I should probably share the big news about what happened to me this summer. I got a new chin. No, it was NOT plastic surgery. I've had an overbite my whole life and I finally had the corrective surgery at the begining of this summer. It kinda sucked at first because I was in boatloads of pain, couldn't eat any solids, had puffy hamster cheeks, and couldn't move. So I was bedridden for almost a month before I had the energy to stand up. But I've healed rather quickly. It's been nine weeks and I'm eating a normal diet (gaining back all the weight I had lost from my liquid diet) and am pretty active.

In other news, I no longer live with my parents. My parents debts were getting a little too overwhelming so they had to retrench. They now rent out a single room in this crazy cat lady's house. While I live with my grandparents in one of the extra guest rooms in their house. I have to be careful when I tell people that I don't live with my parents because for some reason they tend to assume that I was kicked out, which I wasn't.

I'm kinda exhausted so I'm going to finish up my laundry then go to bed.

but I swear that I will be wayyyy better about posting.

- Sabrina

The end of an era

Sweet Jesus, it's been a while since I updated. That was at the very start of first semester and i'm now wrapping up my second semester. I really do feel bad for not updating often. Not sure why I don't do it more often, it really helps me relive stress. I can't even really do it now because I have to go to class but i'll write a crap load of stuff when I get back :)

(updated photo of me while I was in San Fran with my sister and her roommates)

[next part added post math class]

I'm not really sure what to write because so much has happened since I last wrote... I suppose i'll start with the most significant. I joined this amazing christian group on campus called Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and basically all the friends I have are from that group. (surprise, surprise, i actually have quite a few friends, it's quite shocking)

(most of Intervarsity during a conference in Bakersfield)

Monday nights is bible study, wednesday night is large group, sunday morning/night is church.

Catherine and Emily are my closest friends here (even though we've been getting on eachother's nerves lately...)

(Me and Catherine)

Remember when I was complaining about the loft beds? Problem solved :) We lowered them, left one desk in the bedroom and moved the other out into the living room. so now we have regular height beds (well, to be honest, they are still a bit taller then most beds, i even have to get a running start to jump onto it)

I try to keep my side of the room clean but I slip up and it starts to look like a tornado came through and I then take it as a cue to stop being such a slob and straighten things out.

I no longer want to be a veterinarian. My life long dream had come crashing down. Not sure what I want to do with my life any more but I don't think it'll have anything to do with the medical field. I'm switching to be an economics major but I have yet to make the official changes. I don't want to be an economist but that's the direction i'm currently pursuing.

I bought a pet fish and his name is Sherlock. He's albino and has some sever mental issues but we get along alright. He used to hate me but now he understands that I am the one who feeds him so he tries to be nice to me.

( my fish, Sherlock)

I've recently joined the worship team for intervarsity and have taken over playing guitar for large group since their old guitar player had scheduling conflicts and could no longer make it to wednesday nights. I'm still a crap player but luckily, church songs are ridiculously easy to play :)

I took this stupid half semester class for "leadership" in order to be an RA or PSA but my stupid GPA was one freaking grade point below the cut off point so i wasn't accepted but i'm going to try again to get it for spring semester next year.

There is a lot of stuff to say about my love life but i'll try to sum it up:

1) I like Ryley

2) Ryley likes me

3) Ryley is too scared for his 'bros' to know he likes me so he pretends to just want to sleep with me

(top to bottom: Ryley, Emily, Me)

4) I like Andrew

5) Andrew has zero idea that I like him

6) Andrew is the perfect Christian and i'm afraid all my emotional baggage would ruin him

(Andrew and I on the swings)

7) I like Josh

8) I have no idea if Josh likes me or not

9) Josh is intimidatingly hot (that boy is smokin' hot)

10) I think I like Sam (not sure)

11) Sam does not like me

so basically I'm going to be forever alone...

I've become addicted to tumblr. It's ruining my life one day at a time. I seem to lose countless hours on that stupid site... :(

I take way too many naps, I'm sleeping my life away. I always have good intentions to go study but end up taking a nap instead.

I'm way more active (not lately though). I work out a lot, I go to a work out class three times a week and I try to just run on the treadmill and whatnot.

I can't think of things to write so i'm going to finish working on my report due on tuesday and I'll add more later. I promise to try and update much more often :)

(the Intervarsity girls)

- Sabrina

(the real) first day of college

So I’m sitting outside of my second class… I’m gonna wait an entire hour because I’m tired and there is no where close enough to go eat that will allow me to be back to class on time. This, luckily, is a one time deal. I helped a girl find her class, which is the class I have in an hour.

As you’ve probably figured, today is my first day of college classes. I’ve only been to one so far but since I have this hour break, I decided to write my blog entry.

So Friday, I packed up all my shit, went and said goodbye to my grandparents and hit the road. The car trip to fresno seemed a lot longer then when I came for orientation almost two months ago. Maybe it was because both parents were in the car this time and I was awake and sweating the entire time. I managed to pass the time by coloring, listening to music and watching The Darjeeling Limited. Even though I hate beard-face, he has exceptional taste in movies. I saw the short film, Hotel Chevalier, after the movie and it was good. I love the actors… I wish I knew their names. All I know is that one of them is one of the Wilson brothers… I don’t know if he’s luke or owen…

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I made it to fresno. There was some confusion with check-in but eventually I had my room key and began to unload all my crap into my dorm room. My roommate, Catherine, arrived the day before I did so all her stuff was already set up and she wasn’t in the room while I was unloading. It was ungodly hot, so all the trips from the car to room had me dripping in my own sweat… so after all my crap was in the room, I began setting up my bed and whatnot. Catherine already had pictures up and decorated her desk but I didn’t have enough room in y car to accommodate anything extra so my side of the room is very bland…

My roommate is nice and calm; I think we’re going to be good friends. We don’t talk much, but we have a mutual understanding that we’re both tiny n00bs in a brand new environment and we’re helping each other out as much as possible. She seems very normal, which is all I was hoping. I think I might be the weird one, but I’ll try my best to be good. I’ve decided for my sake, and everyone else’s, to not pull any of my shit. I get to reinvent myself and this time, I’m going to do it right and not fuck it up. I can’t afford to keep wrecking my life. This is my chance to redefine myself in a better image.

Well, I’ve managed to burn through ten minutes of my hour long wait… dang. Well, at least I’m in the shade and not melting in the Fresno sun… I don’t know how I’m going to stave off boredom so I may just continue to ramble on here. I apologize in advance.

Oh, to continue with what has happened so far, I hung out on Friday. That was the first night I slept in my dorm room. We have loft beds which are super ridiculously high and I’m deathly afraid of falling off but my ego is too big to allow me to get a bed rail. Dear God, please don’t let me fall off that bed and plummet to my death. Saturday, Catherine and I went to the dining hall for brunch. It’s kind of amazing in there. I had eggs, chorizo, and potato wedges. We sat together and ate the surprisingly good food. The I called my parents and they came to take us to target. Target… I swear we were in there for a couple hours… I ended up spending almost three hundred dollars… luckily my aunt and uncle gave me a target gift card for $100 so I only had to pay $200… but still, that’s a lot of cash… I have about sixty dollars to my name now... then we came back to the room and put everything away. We’ve decided to go with a Beatles/British theme for out living room. Catherine has an awesome Beatles poster and we bought this British flag wall-cling at target and that’s all we have so far but we’re forming plans and ideas of how to make that room bloody brilliant. My sister and her boyfriend came over around five and we all went to Marie Callanders, where I had some amazing blueberry pie. Then I said goodbye to my parents (I cried like a baby and got my daddy’s shirt soaked with tears). The I hung out with my sister and her boyfriend back in my dorm room for a while. Then they left and I went to bed.
Sunday morning, we went to the cafeteria for brunch again and this time we met one of catherine’s ‘friends’. Some obnoxious boy named Joey, who went to her same high school. She told me that she can’t stand him but he seems pretty popular so I might try to convince her that we should enter his social circle if we ever want to be cool. Oh, I found out that they have an Icee machine in the dining hall… I’m so freaking excited, we had some yesterday… Then we went back to the room for a while and later on we walked around the campus, finding all of our classes… it was super hot and we were walking around a lot, so I was exhausted and very sweaty. Poor Catherine has a class on the opposite side of campus. After coming back to the dorm room, we had to go to a mandatory hall meeting where we met out RA, who wasn’t the one I thought we had and honestly, I’m pretty disappointed because the guy I thought was our RA was smoking hot… not that the real one isn’t cute but he isn’t nearly as sexy as the guy I thought was the RA. Last night we went to an event called, “singled out” which was some show on MTV that has one girl and a bunch of boys and through a series of questions, eliminates boys until one is left standing and then those two go on a date together. Part of me would have loved to play but they only did one girl and one boy. At least I got free ice cream out of it, even if it was a big waste of time. I was kinda self conscious because I dressed as cute as I could manage and it turned out that everyone was just in jean shorts and tank tops… well, at least I know the dress code for next time.

I had to wake up at seven this morning to be ready for class on time, and I haven’t been sleeping very well so I’m exhausted and I keep yawning but I gotta keep on keeping on. I have another half hour until my second class and I still have two more after that. It’s gonna be a long day. Thanks for listening to my ramblings…

[the next section was added after finishing the rest of the school day]

Part 2

So animal science 67 was pretty chill, even though it was a bit overwhelming. Luckily I still had a twenty that my dad had given me to put on my laundry card to pay for the two books that my teacher required the class to get. One of the books is really cute and it called “emergency care for dogs and cats” and the other is some pile of photocopied papers. I have to complete 10 hours of community service in animal therapy for that class, we have to write 2,000 words, and we have to have hands-on time with animals. It’s all a but overwhelming but I think I can handle it. That teacher seems like the kind who love you if you’re nice and smart but can be a total bitch to you if you get on her bad side, so I’m gonna try my damndest to stay on her good side.

After that I went after that to the dining hall since I had two hours to kill before my next class. After grabbing my plate, I went into the seating area. I saw this girl that I recognized from my mandatory hall meeting. She had one of those training dogs with her. So, I put on the nicest smile and walked up to her and asked if I could sit with her. I told her that I recognized her from earlier and we got talking very easily. She was super nice and friendly and definitely seems like someone I would hang out with. She told me that she suffers from an anxiety disorder and that she is training her dog to help her out. The dog can point out to her when her anxiety levels are rising before she even realizes it. We’re both Animal science majors and it turns out that we have Animal Science 1 together, so we exchanged numbers before she left. I finished up eating and went back to the dorm room. I was super amped up, and was shaking and my heart was racing so I sat down and drank some water and tried to calm down but it was pretty hard. Then my grandma text me, so I called her and we talked for a little over an hour and it really helped me calm down. I talked to her while walking to my econ class. Then I had to go.

My econ class was kinda weird, the teacher seems like a really nice guy but there were some issues with the textbook, which I didn’t even know we needed. So he’s gonna clear that up for us by Wednesday but he wants us to have the book asap but it’s too expensive but there isn’t enough time for me to buy one cheap online and have it shipped to me. Whatever.

I don’t know why but suddenly I can’t remember what I did after econ class… I think I came back to the room. Oh yeah, I changed out of my disgusting sweaty shirt and into something new. I looked a little into the textbook thing… Then I went to my English class. I was seriously the only underclassmen in that room. There were about 15 to 20 in the room and they all looked to be in their early to mid twenties apart from two weirdos who were in their thirties/forties. I listened to the creepy old lady talk about how she’s a civil war nerd until class started. The teacher is super cool and laid back but that English class was not what I expected. I am a Jane Austen nut, so I thought brit lit would be perfect… this class covers all of british history and all the various time periods… the time period I’m comfortable with is only going to be one week of that class… everyone in there seems to already know British history and all the british novels and historical films and they we’re using big words and references that I didn’t know and were making jokes that I couldn’t understand in the slightest. I have never felt so dumb before in my life. I’m way in over my head… I should probably drop it but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the challenge this class presents me. So I’m going to use my free day tomorrow to read all about british history, understand their references, and all-around make myself less dumb. I feel like I’m going to be taking two classes, british history and british literature which sucks but if I do pull through, I’d be so proud of myself. The teacher only went over the syllabus and talked for a couple mins so I was in and out in less then twenty minutes. Ususally that class is going to be three hours… fml. I called my sister afterwards to rant about how dumb I felt… I was kinda disappointed that her advice to me was to drop it… she should be encouraging me to go for it! But I guess she was just being realistic. Okay, so I’m all caught up now.



Love,
Sabrina

i don't think i'll ever be good at this...

16 days… I move into my dorm room in 16 days. I’m starting to get nervous, more so then I would have been if it weren’t for all this roommate drama. My original roommate and I were pretty tight but then she hit some major obstacles and ended up having her admission basically revoked. So just a couple days ago some random person texts me “I guess I’m your new roommate”. So this new girl seems pretty normal. She’s Christian, which is good. She’s into sports, which is whatever. She doesn’t like the same kind of music, which is bad. I don’t know what to think of her yet, I don’t want to judge her before I get to really meet her. I just hate that we’re going to be living together before I even know her. What if she’s a neat freak, or a weirdo, or just plain crazy? I don’t deal well with an insanity aside from my own…

Everyone has been asking me if I’m excited and as a rule of thumb I say yes and smile. Only a small few now the truth, which is that I really don’t want to go to fresno anymore. Hell, I’d settle for cal state long beach at this point. It hasn’t been until it really hit me that I wouldn’t be living at home that has made me start to realize all the things I would miss. I had a bit of a breakdown a couple of nights ago while I was talking with my mom about how I didn’t think I could handle not living at home and having to leave all my family, friends, and memories behind. I know very little outside of socal… I’ve never been away from home for more then a week and suddenly I’m going to be gone for a whole school year??? I’m not a fan of this whole ‘trial by fire’ experience…

My best friend is flying home for two weeks and I’m so excited to see her, but I’m also sad because I only get to see her for one week because I leave for college in the middle of her visit… part of me want to see her now but another part of me doesn’t want college to loom any closer.

I decided last night that I’m going to become a twitter dork… you can check it out… it’s pretty boring but I want to be as technologically savvy as possible because I’ve always seemed to be the last one to join the newest technological trend.. my twitter account name is Sabrina_e_f_g

Guess I’ll give ya’ll an excerpt from the story I’m writing. I’m kinda writing it out of order because it’s easier for me to remember fresher memories first before I go back and try to recall how everything played out in order, so this is from the middle. And, Yes, this story is true… even though I wish it wasn’t.

Something about this day felt strange right from the beginning. I could feel this, almost indescribable, sixth sense telling me to be on my guard. My head was spinning, perhaps from a subconscious knowledge of events about to unfold but most likely just a reaction to the thick smell of pot and booze hanging in the bus as a result of the previous night’s party.

I slowly rose from the bunk, noting that I had awoken alone. Again. Going out from the bunks to the front room, they were scattered about, passed out in uncomfortable positions. Checking the bathroom and the back room, I found no trace of him. Again. If this is him pulling a drama-queen act again, count me out. I’ve had my fill of the whole tortured poet act, and I don’t think I can humor him for one more pity party. HE forced me to come, HE wouldn’t take no as an answer, HE begged me for hours on end, and now HE was basically ignoring me. My mind was starting to wander back to the idea of packing up and just going home. Maybe it was exhaustion clouding rational thought or my heart finally giving up on him but I retreated to my bunk and began throwing everything into my bags. It wasn’t an easy feat, considering how my stuff was everywhere, mixed with everyone else’s stuff and how everyone’s stuff was mixed in with mine. I’m not sure at what point it started but I looked down to see my shirt soaked with tears and suddenly my numbing anger subsided and I could feel the burning heat in my eyes and face as the tears cascaded down. No, no time for a mental breakdown, I needed to get out before he came back. Careful not to bump anyone as I tip-toed around the sleeping idiots, I made it out the door, slowly closing the bus behind me as I felt the cold morning on my skin. I finally released the breath that I had been holding for what seemed like an eternity. As I turned around, there he was, off in the distance sitting under a tree. It was foggy and he was looking down, so I slowly crept along the bus until I was safely on the other side. Checking my wallet, I found I had enough for a taxi ride to the airport, and the ‘shopping’ money from a few days ago was enough for a flight back to California. Now all that I had left to worry about was how I was going to get home from the airport, guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.

Ducking into a Starbucks when it began to drizzle outside, I called a cab and then proceeded to sit in one of the three big overstuffed chairs seated around a faux-antique table and stare absent-mindedly out of the window as my mind went through a list of possible alibis to explain my absence. I heard the rain outside, I heard the low murmurs of the other people seated near me, I heard my own breath become staggered as my mind drifted to unwanted thoughts. I was too distracted by my own lack of self-control, to hear the door open, to hear someone say my name, to hear someone walk toward me. I was unaware of anything outside of myself until I suddenly felt two hands touching the sides of my face and another pair of lips on my own before I could even process what was happening. I pulled away and turned away. He can’t win this easily. I can’t give in this quickly.

“How the hell could you leave without telling anyone? Without leaving a single note?” he whispered, but there was no mistaking the intense anger in his words.

I flinched a bit at what he had said but quickly recovered, and answered him as calmly as I could manage, “Simple.”

He sighed and whispered, quieter then before and with no trace of anger, “I was scared something had happened to you.”

It was obvious by his tone that he was relieved to have found me safe, which would mean he cares but I still wasn’t going to give in because it’s just another part of this vicious cycle. He’s desperately in love with me, we go out, he gets bored with me, I leave, then he’s desperately in love with me once again. The whole novelty of this whole ‘famous boyfriend’ thing has faded and all that was left was a pathetic wanna-be who needs to be constantly entertained like some sort of overgrown 5-year-old.

So consumed by my own train of thought, I had forgotten he was there and my silence was making him desperate.

“Let’s go back to the bus,” he said, standing up and grabbing my bags. He started walking and was most of the way to the door when he realized that I wasn’t behind him. I could hear his annoyed sigh of frustration. He walked back and sat down in the chair across from mine. “darling, don’t you want to come back to the bus and be with me and the rest of your friends?” he said it more like a command then a question, there was this odd anger lurking right under the surface of his words. Anger? HE was angry with ME? That’s all it took for me to snap.

“No, I don’t want to go back to you or my so-called-friends. I’m done being the ‘undesignated driver’ that silently takes care of everything since you’re all too drunk to do anything for yourselves because no one appreciated it. I’m done forgiving you for every mistake you make because you never learn from them. I’m done being the ‘adoring fan’ because you need to grow up and learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you” Stopping to take a much needed breath, I noticed all the faces staring but my anger wasn’t satisfied yet. “I’m done with your guilt trips, pity parties, and innuendos. I’m done with all of your crap.” I saw the taxi was parked outside of the Starbucks. He was too paralyzed to move, so I grabbed my bags. “Most importantly, I’m done with you,” and with that I ran outside and jumped into the taxi.

I barely stuttered out that I wanted to be taken to the airport before I broke into a crying mess. Sobs were bursting out as a rocked back and forth, gripping onto my knees with all my strength. Poor taxi driver was too scared to say anything, which was probably for the best, and drove in silence as I was wailing in the backseat.

The cab driver gave me this look of sadness and concern as I scrambled out of the vehicle and got all my stuff out as well. He looked like he was going to say something but changed his mind. I grabbed my wallet and opened it when he touched my hand and shook his head. Without saying a single word, he got back into his cab and drove away. I sighed, upset that he wouldn’t let me pay him, but turned around and went to buy my plane ticket home.

“6 hours!?!? There’s no flight into Long Beach for 6 hours!?!?” I said staring at the man at the ticket desk.

“I’m sorry ma’am but that’s the soonest available” he said apologetically.

I suddenly felt embarrassed for having vented some of my pent up anger on an innocent bystander. “oh, that’s fine. I apologize for getting upset with you, it’s not your fault,” I said trying to put a smile on my face. He smiled in return and handed me my ticket.

I made my way to the ridiculously overpriced food court in the terminal and grabbed a coffee and a muffin before sitting down. I pulled my phone out of one of my bags. About 20 missed calls and about double that in text messages.

‘hey, where are you?’

‘where you at?’

‘dude where are you?’

‘seriously where are you?’

‘WHERE ARE YOU?’

Those must have come in before he found me, the ones after he found me were worse.

‘we miss you’

‘we love you’

‘we want you’

‘we NEED you’

Disgusted by what I was reading, I chucked my phone back into one of the bags and bit off a piece of the muffin quite viciously.

Okay kittens, thanks for reading. Some feedback would be appreciated. I’d probably update more often if I had the motivation of feedback.

-Sabrina

regularly

Well, I just got my high school graduation present- my very own netbook. So, with this new little gadget, i can actually post everyday instead of my once every couple of months. I'm too lazy to go check what the last thing was that i posted so i'm just going to start talking about what ever the hell i want.

So I don't know if i've shared where i'm going to college but it's not Monterey so i'm kinda bummed. It sucks not being able to go to your first choice school... or second... or third... or fouth. Yes, I am going to my fifth choice school. Here are the crappy reasons why:
1) My parents refused to let me attend Monterey
2) I was weight listed for san jose
3) I was not accepted to pamona
4) Humboldt was too damn cold

so yes, fifth choice is Fresno state.
But really, i'm not as angry as i could be becuase i've kinda found the silver lining. So my intended future career is to be a veterinarian, but for all the previously mentioned schools, excepting Fresno, my major was some sort of branch off of veterinary, like marine bio, zoology, ect. So i'm taking it as a sign to remind me to stay on course and not get side tracked from what i believe my true calling is.

okay, so thats the light stuff; Here comes the heavy shit.

My sister has come home from santa cruz for the summer, and she's brought along her boyfriend. I had been pretty busy the couple days following their arrival so i hardly saw them but then a day before my high school graduation, i spent the entire day with them. And i learned something very very... interesting that morning. I was barely awake, lounging in my parents bed since my sister was still asleep (or so i thought) in our room and her boyfriend was asleep in the living room, and both my parents were at work. So i was in the middle of reading a book when my sister walks in and sits on the edge of my parents bed. She starts giving me a warning about what she was about to tell me and i was getting scared. The she finally spits it out. My sister and her boyfriend are 'sexually active'... my sister is a little over a year older then me... and she's having sex? It was a lot to take in at once. She was checking my face for a reaction but i was in stunned silence. What the hell am i supposed to say? "It's ok"? But i'm not at all ok with it. I have a purity ring... I thought my sister shared my same christian values. But at the same time, how could i admit to her that i'm disappointed and that i'll never be able to look up to her the way i once did. So i did the only thing i could, i nodded and left the room. I dislike my sisters boyfriend but I don't know if it's because of his personality or the fact that he fucking 'deflowered' my sister. I still haven't really let my emotions out over it and it's eating me up inside... I really wish she hadn't told me. I could have lived peacefully in ignorant bliss. But the worst part is, I think part of me already knew before she even told me...

After my graduation, My sister's boyfriend was driving, my sister was in the passenger seat and my sister's best friend and i were in the back seat. He isn't the best driver, having run a red light the previous day, but things got worse. He was crossing a street the goes through a neighborhood and he didn't see a car coming toward us. We got hit on the side by someone going straight toward us. Luckily, no one was hurt. But it was a very crazy experience. Everything happened in slow motion... i saw the car driving towards us, and i looked at my sister. My mind went blank and then i feel the car get knocked sideways about a yard... then it was over. I was shaking then i was crying, then i heard my sister screaming at her boyfriend. When i say that this happened "after my graduation" i mean, we had just left the ceremony five minutes before this all took place. In that one second of slow motion, I just thought of how much damn time i wasted in school just to die now. My sister was furious at Alex, I was a wreck, and stephanie was a little dazed. After alex and the lady in the other car exchanged info, we drove to my grandparents house and celebrated my graduation, but in all honesty i was not there mentally.

That night i went over to my friends house before heading to grad night, which was held at my high school. I had a mini break down, the whole ordeal was too much for me to handle. Alyssa felt bad for me but she didn't know what to say and i don't blame her because i wouldn't have a clue of how to sympathize with someone who had gone though the same event. It seems like an over dramatization to call it traumatizing but I'm scared every second that I'm in a car... i don't think i could handle ever going though that ever again. Even though the worst thing that happened was that the car was dented and the paint got scratched, it was the scariest thing i have ever experienced.

I'm a bit too tired to talk about grad night and my Las Vegas trip right now so I'll save that for tomorrow night.

oh, I'm going to install windows 2007 on my laptop tomorrow and then I'm going to start writing a story that I've been wanting to start for a while. I'll post excerpts from it on here once i get it up and running.

I'm exhausted.
Peace out.
-Sabrina

praying about tomorrow

I've still be swamped so this isn't going to be very lengthy, just a few important notes
1) My AP english lit test is tomorrow and i'm friggen nervous

2) prom is going to be a disaster

3) i've somehow trapped myself in the same place as last time

4) i feel a newer stronger wave of depression coming on... fml...

k, i gtg to aerobics.
ciao
- sabrina