Intense

If you read my last post, you know that I’m going through a lot right now, and that really isn’t all of the drama, but some things that have been going on aren’t my problems to say but the problems of those around me and how its hurting me. I didn’t want to say this in my last post but I think I should share it as a way of getting it off of my shoulders. During the very dark period of my depression, I wrote a suicide letter that I was going to leave by my bed before I killed myself. The phase passed before I acted on that dark impulse. I’m not sure why, but I never deleted the letter. When things recently got overwhelming again and I relapsed into depression, I came so close to printing out the note and finally ending my life. This time I was too angry to realize how I would hurt those around me, so I added another hateful paragraph. I’m not going to say some dopey thing about how ‘I’ve seen the light’ and that I’m never going to kill myself, because I honestly don’t think it’s the kind of promise I can make at this point in my life. Yeah, I’ll get over this round of depression, but what about the next time? Or the time after that? Who am I to say that I know I’m going to be strong enough to face my obstacles? Only god knows how long I’m going to be here. So as part of the sharing process, I’ll paste in my letter. Please know that I don’t mean a lot of what I wrote and if you are someone I’m very close to, I suggest that you don’t read it, I don’t want to make you upset.

I’m done. I just can’t handle this. I’m a screw up and I will be my entire life, so why continue the charade that I’ll move over this? I’m this dark cloud that is ruining the lives of those around me, so it’s probably for the best if I remove myself from your society. I can’t write that I’ll miss you all because I hope that I won’t because I want to move on and be in a happier place free from regret, misery, and stupidity. I’ve always been that kind of forgettable person, so I urge that you just forget about me and live better, happier lives. I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve done, and I’m sorry I couldn’t apologize for it before my death but I just could never say the words with my mouth, so I say them here with this keyboard.

I didn’t want to guilt trip anyone but I don’t want people to be asking “why did she kill herself?” I’ll tell you why. I made mistakes, we all do, but I made the mistake of never learning from mine, and for that I take most of the blame for my need to die, but there are people out there who share the blame. I blame Grandma Snow for fucking up my mother’s childhood, and consequently fucking up my mom’s entire life. I know that’s she’s dead, but I don’t care. She was a fucking slut with no fucking clue on how to raise children. Next, I blame my mother. She knows that she needs to see a therapist but she just won’t and that makes me so miserable. She’s always saying how her mother made her life miserable, well you know what mom? You made my life miserable. You’re mean, rude, and ignorant. The rest of the blame that isn’t taken by me, my mother, or her mother, belongs to the entire fucking world. Your corruption, your hate, your cruelty has made a generation of fucking arrogant, stupid, dipshits. I’m so glad that I finally can stop being so worried, so nervous, so depressed, so… everything but happy. I need to make my final rest. Goodbye.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone in that letter. I wish you could understand how I felt/feel, but then again, I would never ever ever ever wish this kind of self-torture even on the devil himself. There are a lot of things that I would have taken out and some things I should have said, so part of me is glad that I haven’t done anything irrational as of yet. I don’t want to die, with this horrible paper as the last thing I wrote. I would at least like to go out with a bang and have people admire what I wrote. Sorry, that was a very sick thing for me to have written. I’m so glad that none of my family knows about my blog, or else they would send me to the crazy house. I’m not crazy, I just have a mental imbalance. I didn’t want this to be disturbing, just informative and enlightening as to the current way I see life. So on a scale of 1 to 20, where 1 is where I was already dead from suicide and 20 being that I think I’m going to explode from joy, I’d say I’m at like a 2.5 That’s a much better improvement from the 1.1 I was a couple of days ago. My goal for the end of this year is to reach the seven, or eight mark, but I’m not going to hold my breath for something like that.

I don’t want to over-do the whole suicide talk, so I’m going to start writing an essay that is due on Friday for my English class.

-bye.

p.s. maybe i'll go check out the twloha site later...

Worst Week Ever

I’m so sorry that I haven’t been posting lately but as stated in the title, I had the worst week ever. I’ll back track all the way to last Friday. I left school early, went to the orthodontist and drove out to Arizona to visit ASU because that’s the school where my older sister wants to attend. My mom didn’t go because she doesn’t like driving through the desert so it was just me, dad, and my sis. It was pretty fun- I slept most of the car ride, I got to see tons of hot college boys, I got to get a taste of what college life is going to be like, and I got to go swimming in the hotel pool. So then we came home in the later half of Sunday afternoon.

Since I had left school early on Friday, I wasn’t present to receive my 6-week progress report so I got it Monday during fourth period. Shaking, I opened the progress report and right there staring me in the face was:

“Spanish 4 _____________________ F”

Shit.

I suddenly lost all the happiness I had gained from my trip to Arizona. I was just praying that my parents would forget to ask me about it and I could buy some time and rise up my grade and show them a new higher grade before they saw that abomination of a report card. I was really starting to think I had made it into the clear for the day, because I was preparing to spend the night at my grandmother’s house and my dad and sister were getting ready to return home when out of the blue my dad looks at me and says, “Where’s your progress report?” I froze. After freaking out for a few seconds I looked at my dad and said, “I don’t think you want to see it…” Needless to say, he was worried. I handed him the report card. “You can’t spend the night,” he said shaking his head. “Yeah, I figured as much,” I said picking my stuff back up and heading out to the car. Later that night, my mom bursts into my room, “Where’s your report card?” “It’s in my backpack.” “Go get it,” she said before stomping away back to the den to watch more TV shows way too loudly. I slowly got up and grabbed both my cell phone and my progress report. I quickly sent Sarah a “this is goodbye” text and went into the den. I handed my mom both my phone and my progress report at the same time, because I knew it was coming anyways. “Oh god,” she said before even opening the progress report. I darted back into my room before she could say anything else.

Tuesday was uneventful and gloomy, but Wednesday was worse. I didn’t go to first and second period because I had a meeting with my mental health doctor. She talked with me and my dad and we decided to put me back on ADD medicine and to leave the anti-depressants in place. Later that day when I was a home taking my shower, my mom comes into the bathroom. “Do you know what’s happening tomorrow?” she boomed. “…no…” I replied slowly. “Oh. Well, you’re dad is going to take the day off of work tomorrow and he is going with you to all of your classes and he is going to observe you.” She said quickly. I was paralyzed. “What?” I said in disbelief. “You heard me,” she yelled before leaving and slamming the bathroom door behind her. I couldn’t think, my brain was this cloudy haze. How the hell could they possibly do this to me? I have depression for crying out loud, how in the fucking hell would this make anything better. I started hyper ventilating so I didn’t move from the shower for twenty minutes and it would have been much longer but yet again my mom barged in yelling, “You have homework, pull your shit together.” “Okay,” I replied in a shaky voice. I got out of the shower and was trying to do my hair but my hands were cramping from the stress and wouldn’t open up from this balled/fist position. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. After what seemed like an eternity, I finished my hair and went to start my hw. My sister was on the couch and all I said was, “I can’t open my fists,” before bursting out again into sobs. “I can’t do this” I said through the tears and I darted for the front door. I didn’t give a fuck that I was only in my pajamas; I wanted to get as far the hell away from my mentally insane mother and my spineless father. My sister was faster then me and blocked the door. She ushered me into our bedroom but before she could get out one single sympathetic word, my mom had sped over and was now yelling at me for “putting on theatrics.” Excuse me? Theatrics? I couldn’t breathe from the stress! I’ve never been stressed to a point where I can’t breathe or where my hand cramp up. Until now. She kicked my sister out of the room and got a wet face towel and threw it at my face. “Clean up then start your homework,” she commanded before again retiring to her fucking cave. I took some deep breaths and tried some stress relieving exercises but nothing worked. I somehow managed to finish my math homework. By then both my sister and my dad had gone to bed, and my mom was sitting on the couch in the living room watching me like a hawk, or better yet, like my fucking warden. I made up some bull shit ‘English assignment’ I had to do to give me an excuse to go on the computer. No one I could release this stress to was online. I have never felt so alone then I did at that hour. I tried to play some games to calm me down, and I could feel sleep getting its grip on me so I surrendered and went to bed. Then next morning I wake up at my grandma’s house after my dad drops me and my sister off. My grandma comes in to my room quietly, as to not wake Amelia, and she just held my hand while I cried. When it was time to start getting up to get ready for school, I had gotten a lot of the crying out of me, or so I thought. I ate my pancake slowly and just ranted to my grandma about how much I hate both my parents and how they don’t understand a damn thing about me. Not understanding me is one thing, but thinking they know me completely and are so utterly wrong in their minds about who I am is a completely different thing. I just kept going on and on about how I just want high school to be over so I can just leave them behind and try to have a better life somewhere else. My grandma just sat there and listened to me rant, which I am beyond grateful for. I got dressed and was getting ready. There was a tense air in the room because there was nothing that my sister could say to make things better and we both knew it. I got in the car and my grandpa drove us to school. When we pulled up in front of the school, my heart just dropped. My thoughts were, “damn, I really couldn’t work up the guts to run away, I’m a coward.” I paused until my grandpa lightly nudged me and I got out of the car. I was dead silent as I went with my sister to her locker and proceeded to mine. I silently waited for first period to start. I silently sat in my seat and gripped my desk as I saw my dad walk into the classroom. He said a quick word to Mr. Carlson and sat down in the empty desk behind me. He sat there the entire period. Neither of us said a word. After an eternity the bell finally rang and I escaped to talk to Nikki. I immediately inform her of the situation and all she could say was, “that sucks.” So we talked normally but there was an invisible rain cloud over us both. I got to English and sat down and started talking to the girl that sits next to me. I was doing anything in my power to distract me from the eyes that were going to follow me for the rest of the day. Second period finally ended, my computer was being god awfully slow that day so I was the last to leave, so upon seeing my English teacher alone, I spilled out, “I can’t even think, this is too much pressure.” She immediately walked over to me and said that when my counselor had called her to inform her about my Dads visit today, she said that she felt so bad for me. She was telling me that I’m never a bad influence during class and that the only part where I fail is in the completion of my homework. I saw Nikki waiting outside for me so I thanked my teacher but before I went outside, she told me that she is there to talk to me anytime I need it. I thanked her again and walked with Nikki. We met up with Sarah and I started crying again as I told her about the days situation. Again all she could really say was, “that sucks.” I got to my locker and Angie saw me crying. She immediately got worried and began asking me what was wrong. As I told her, TBIL went to his locker, which he NEVER does during nutrition. I was like WTF, of all the days to come to his locker during nutrition, he picks the day where I’m having a mental breakdown? I grabbed what I needed from my locker and dashed away from TBIL as quickly as I could. I managed to choke out the words to tell Angie what was happening. I had to get a grip on myself, so as I walked up the steps to Spanish, I did more of the breathing exercises. Sarah waited for me outside of our Spanish room. I put on a huge smile and told Sarah that we need to just treat this period like a play, and we are going to be playing the perfectly normal happy people. So I walked in after her and there he was, sitting in the back. I went to my desk and was fighting to keep the smile on my face. Sarah was being so helpful with making sure that I always had something happy to think about that kept me smiling. I managed to pull through and make it through that period. As we walked to fourth period I was just trying to see if I could do that one excercise that people talk about, you know the one where you picture your ‘happy place?’ yeah. I was getting desperate. So I was trying to picture myself at Seal Beach with Sarah, TBIL, and my friends. It was starting to work but I had arrived at math so I had to snap back into my crappy reality. I sat through math pretty calmly and just focused on doing my own thing. Luckily all the kids in that class are fucking stupid so they just assumed he was an observer that was evaluating Mrs. B. He left early for some reason so for the remaining ten minutes of class I just laid my head down and closed my eyes and did some more breathing exercises.

I was supposed to go to Spanish tutoring during lunch but because they were having their Every 15 Minutes campaign behind the PAC, it was cancelled. I couldn’t find my friends so I ended up walking aimlessly down Los Alamitos blvd before realizing that I had to hurry back in order to make it to fifth period on time. I got to fifth period about two-ish minutes late but Mr. H never marks anyone late. So after I sat down, my dad walks in, says a brief hello to Mr. H and takes a seat in the back row. I tried so hard to focus but it was a very fruitless attempt. We took a quiz but I was out of it that I got every single question wrong. Thank god it was only a practice quiz and he wouldn’t put it into our grades. My dad left about ten minutes early again and again, I slammed my head on the desk and just stayed that way until the bell rang. I walked with my friends to the band room where I quickly told my sister about how horrible this day has been going and how I was on the verge of doing something impulsive and probably very stupid. I slowly walked to sixth period and I was relieved to see that my dad wasn’t in there. I sat down at the TA desk and looked up at the clock. Mr. B came over to me and said, “your dad came in and he said that since this is a TA period that there was no sense in sticking around so he took off… rough day?” I feel so horrible for doing this to Mr. B but I just couldn’t control it, I just started sobbing and all the freshmen were looking at me. “Are you okay?” he asked. “No, “I said simply. I quickly got up and made my way out of the room. I headed to my English teachers room. Her daughter, some other girl, and some big guy that I think teaches softball were all in the room when I come in quietly with tears streaming down my face. My teacher instantly snaps into maternal mode and rushes over to hug me while I cried. I managed to tell her that he finally left and that I’m just so exhausted from seven straight hours of pure stress. After talking to her for a while, I cleaned up my face a bit and went back into Mr. B’s room. He gave me the necessary space because he felt bad for me, or maybe it was because he was afraid that he would accidentally set me off like earlier. I just took out this drawing I have been making and I just started coloring it. I forced myself to only think about coloring in the shapes and symbols. Finally the bell rang for the end of school. Thank Jesus. I said sorry to Mr. B for my little display and he said, “It happens to the best of us so no worries.” I went and met up with Nikki and went with her to her locker and then we went to mine. We finally found Sarah and I begged her if I could go to her house after school because I just couldn’t bare the thought of being alone with my parents without Amelia there. Thankfully she agreed and I used her cell to text my dad and tell him.

Some funny stuff went down when we were waiting for Sarah’s mom with Sarah’s sister at the middle school. Some eight grader that I thought was kind of cute told Sarah’s sister that he “accepts me” and we were all like, “Wtf” she ran over again and asked him what that meant. She races back over and says, “Oh, he said that he’ll go out with you.” I and Sarah started laughing, under the impression that it was a joke of some sort. He walked over and was being all awkward. Being the bitch that I am, I decided to play with his mind and I was being all flirty and I even wrote my home number on his hand. He finally left but not before Sarah had a good laugh at his lack of… years. Sarah’s mom finally came and we got some it’s A Grind before heading over to her house. We were doing our homework where her sister’s phone rings and she answers. It’s the eight grader. He didn’t know my name so he called her to find out. He didn’t know that I was at their house so he was a little caught off guard when she had to ask me a question that he asked her. For some sadistic reason she gave him my full name and told him I had a Facebook and a MySpace. Me and Sarah were flipping out from excitement. This kid was seriously thinking that he had a chance with me. So the three of us rush over to Sarah’s computer and changed my status to be “more hardcore.” Eventually my parents came and I had to leave.

This was in fact the car ride from hell. I got in and I decided to listen to the advice I had gotten all day and to play it calm and to show that I appreciate that they care for me, blah de blah de blah, so I’m joking with my dad, asking him what he thought of my classes and stuff and my mom is getting angry with me. We get to the store and me, my sister, and my dad got out of the car but my mom stayed in it and as we’re walking in he says to me, “I applaud you from trying to be the bigger person in this but it’s just making her mad.” “Was this supposed to be some kind of punishment?” I said jokingly. “Yes,” he said softly. Again I began bawling. “Punishment? Why is she doing this? Doesn’t she know that the depression, the ADD, the F, and the disappointment that everyone has at my grades isn’t enough?” My dad had no reply. He and my sister were trying to act all normal as we walked through the store, pretending not to notice the hysteric girl walking behind them. “Does she want me to kill myself? Will that make her fucking happy? At least she’ll know that I felt her punishment!” I said as my anger was rising. Again, my dad had no response. He told me and my sister to go wait outside as he got in line to pay for our groceries. As soon as we get outside, I start telling her how horrible this is and she told me that we’re on like the same telepathic level, because all day she had been feeling my sadness and my stress. After my dad came out we went back into the car and I was silent. When we got home, I grabbed my stuff and rushed into my room. I went into the bathroom and blew my nose quickly. I took a fast shower and did my hair quickly and started on my homework. I told my dad that I was sorry that he had to come to school with me today, but I never said a word to my mother. I went to bed without even considering saying goodnight to her.

Today was better, kind of. So I go to first period and just chill and do some of the class work and watch a video about the cold war. Then second period I worked with my group on our AP English group assignment about recycling. Then I went to Spanish. So I’m sitting next to Sarah and the attendance runner comes in with a pink slip and Senora A. hands it to me and it says that I need to go to the counseling office whenever I could find the time. So I just left immediately. I got to Mrs. R’s room and I was trying to remain calm because I knew this was the woman that let my parents hatch their horrible punishment plot. The first thing she says when I sit down is, “Kiddo, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry about yesterday but your parents forced me not to tell you about it.” I was silent. “Listen, I know your going through a tough time and I need you to know that I understand and I want to help you because I know you’re a smart girl, you’ve shown me that year after year with your high grades. But this year… there was such a sudden dive; something has to be going wrong.” So I spend about twenty minutes in her office just telling her about what’s going on but stressing that nothing horrible has been going on. I haven’t been physically or out rightly verbally abused. Nothing of the sort. But I just explained all the medicine drama and stuff. She gave me these daily planner things where you can fill in these boxes that are assigned to a different hour of the day from 7:30 am to 10:30 pm. I was grateful for her help and support but I don’t think that I can use her methods because my schedule is too prone to constant and unforeseen changes. I thanked her for the help and advice and ran back to Spanish. I got there just as the bell was ringing so TBIL saw me as I was trying to get to my Spanish class and I could have sworn that he gave me a sympathetic look. Maybe he heard more during me and Angie’s conversation at the lockers then I realized. I grabbed my backpack and went with Sarah to the Every 15 Minutes assembly. It was intense. I was bawling and I used a bunch of my tissue in that 45 minute time period. The rest of the day was w/e. I went to my sisters club during lunch and watched a hilarious Futurama episode, we had a sub in Physics, and I got to read a book all of sixth.

I think that’s it. This is epically long, but I guess I did have a whole traumatic week to cover. I hope you don’t hate me for writing so much.

-bye

Best. Day. Ever.

So today started off like any other day. History was boring, English was okay, Spanish was whatever, and math was good (I actually knew the lesson so the test was a breeze.) Physics was lame-sauce and sixth period was super boring but I was on my phone playing this new game I found about being a movie star and it’s kind of hard. I got to see TBIL after school, which was really nice. I got to see this other really cute boy that Sarah and I both adore after school, which was really really nice. Then I went to my car and went to my grandparent’s house for a while, then went to the pharmacy to pick up some meds, and then I went to the mall and bought these two cute dresses. I never wear shorts. I either wear jeans or dresses. Not shorts. I went home for about an hour and packed for my trip to Arizona. Then I was in the car on the way to pick up my mom from work when I get a text from my uncle and it says, “U busy Aug 8^th at 7:30pm?” and I was joking around so I replied, jokingly, “Yes. I’ll be at MacDonalds” and then the most amazing text ever come in, “Aww okay... you know anybody that can go see Joe bros with us then?” I seriously froze. The... Jonas... Brothers... HOLY COW! I was like “seriously?” and he replied “Dead serious man!! But you’ll be at donalds soooo... you know anybody I can ask?” and I was like “I’ll go to MacDonalds the following day. You’re really inviting me to see the Joe bros... I can’t breathe...” and then he said that he hadn’t told my cousin yet. So my face has been stuck in a smile ever since... my jaw is starting to feel a little sore but I’m just ecstatic.

My dad pulled out this ancient lap top that he had that was from 1993, it’s super funny because it doesn’t have anything good like internet, only really lame games like Sailor Moon, Teenage mutant ninja turtle, Bugz Bunny, Chip and Dale, Cat Ninja, 7 Seas of Gold, and Barbie shopping adventure (LOL).

I need to go make a poster about Jerry Lee Lewis that I need to have done asap because I still need to take a shower and figure out what I’m going to wear to first period tomorrow (yeah, I’m leaving for Arizona right after first).

-Bye :)

p.s. good music

Anger and annoyance

So yesterday I was just to lazy to get to the computer and write about my day but yesterday was super boring so there wasn’t much to say except for what happened during my TA period. I was leaving because the bell had rung for the end of sixth period and the annoying freshman was trying to make conversation with me but I was trying to ignore him and this funny but kind of annoying sophomore pulls him back and goes “dude, you’re so not in her league, she’s above you by so much.” I didn’t want to let that go to my head but I did get a bit of a confidence boost knowing that I’m at least out of someone’s league. Oh and I had gotten in trouble fourth period for an all out verbal fight with the most annoying egotistical jerk-wad ever, so I had to go see Mrs. B sixth period and ‘talk-it-out’. Wtf.

So today was super weird but kind of fun. First period I was just chilling and talking with some of my friends in that class. Second period I got to listen to Pandora and doze off while just chilling. Third period I was talking almost the whole time with Sarah, which was fun. Then fourth period came and wrecked my joyous day. Taylor effing Baikie is such an ass hole. He is talking to his equally as evil friends during math and he says, “Spencer, you should have seen what the freak was drawing during third period,” and Dana was like, “Who’s the freak?” and Taylor goes, “um, A_ _ _ _ _ _ _ a G_ _ _ _ a.” (Sorry but I don’t wanna put her real name) He just called my best friend a freak. My knuckles were white from how hard I was gripping my desk. I was literally praying to God to give me the strength NOT to turn around and punch his fucking face in. He is such a gossiping bitch. He is worse then girls, hell; all the boys in my math class are a bunch of gossiping sons of bitches. They don’t even comprehend the level of hate I have for them. So during lunch it was hard for me to really get into today’s Christian club speaker’s whole speech because I was just raging with anger on the inside. Taylor is also in my fifth period physics class so I walk in and I shoot him this death glare that would have killed him if looks could kill (which I really wish they would). Physics went by pretty fast and then I walked with my friend over to where my sister was and I told her about the whole Taylor thing and she said that the same thing happened to her a while back because someone had made fun of her best friend. So then I went to sixth period and while the sub was doing role call, I was sitting in his desk and I saw the sub report he had made for yesterday and he wrote that I was unhelpful. Unhelpful? He didn’t ask me for help on anything and the one thing that Mr. B had written for me to do, I did it, and I did really well, unnecessarily well! So that made me super pissed off. So then my friend texted me and wanted some tutoring for math, so I went and sat in her car and helped her figure out her math stuff... that was an adventure. She is quite the hyper and unique creature. She was spazzing out and she kept putting herself down and she gave me a bizarre nickname that she kept shouting. Some of her friends came and were like almost pushing her car over and then she called this one guy she met last weekend who lives in like Mississippi or somewhere like that, and she is saying these disgusting and perverted things. I decided that I had been with her long enough and grabbed my stuff and did a quick wave before running away.

Today was my mother’s birthday, so I made her a real kick ass card and we went and ate at this disgusting restaurant called Pat and Oscars. Bleh. Then we came home and my dad gave my mom the quilt he made her. It’s really colorful and very well made. Now I’m typing this while my sister I watching Lost so I’m only hearing the voices from the TV. God that show is so lame. The drama is so pointless and fake. I’m sorry Lost fans but I can’t buy into the madness and obvious redundancies and blatant inconsistencies that are covered up with last minute additions that are ridiculously stupid. A smoke monster? Wtf. Did they ask a third grader to help them with the writing? If it isn’t third graders writing the show then it must be monkeys with typewriters.

I think that’s enough rambling for one day, oh wait actually, it’s not, I totally forgot about what I did yesterday after school. So I went with Sarah to go pick up her sister and then we went to some coffee place and her sister got this sandwich and soup and Sarah was staring at it like the whole time. It was hilarious. Then her mom picked us up and we went back to her house and Nikki came over and we had a discussion about the probability that Folie a deux was fall out boys’ last album. Nikki had some very good reasons but I refuse to believe that Fall Out Boy will ever stop making records. They need to live to be old and annoying in their persistence to stop, like Madonna. Then we walked around their neighborhood and then decided to go eat sausages and play Wii Mario kart racing at Nikki’s house. Sarah lost every single time. It was hilarious. Then my parents had to ruin our fun by coming and picking me up. Okay, I swear I’m done rambling now.

(dedicated to Sarah)

- güle güle

p.s.

Plans

Plans, plans, and more plans! My life is now ruled by the constant plans that others are making for me. What classes am I taking next year? None that I planned out for myself. What am I doing this weekend? I’m going on a planned minute-by-minute trip to Arizona State University. What am I doing for the rest of my life? I don’t know but I have the feeling that someone else is planning it out for me. I wish I had a little more say in my own life, but maybe it’s only because I’m technically still a minor but even when I turn eighteen, will things really change? I have this feeling deep down that says it won’t. I think my subconscious is a down-right pessimist. Now that I’m talking about subconscious’s, am I the only one that really wants to believe that there is an itty bitty me that lives in my head that serves as my subconscious? I don’t think so. You know how in cartoons, people have a shoulder angel and devil, well I think I have that but instead of being on my shoulders, they are both in my head and they are in a constant heated battle. One is the super dgaf one that just wants to listen to music, eat, and sleep, and the other one is the obsessive, shy, manic depressive one that only wants to scream, cry, and flip out. I used to think I sided with the dgaf one the most but now I think it’s pretty evenly split. I stated talking about plans and ended up telling you about one of my crazy theories. Oh I should definitely write a blog entry soon where I just write about some of my weirder life theories.

I’ve been trying really hard lately to think about TBIL less but its much more difficult then I had previously thought because stupid things always remind me of him. I seem to see him everywhere now. I went from never seeing him to not being able to get away from him. He seems to be looking my direction a lot more then I think someone who doesn’t care about my existence would. He is such an odd specimen...

I’ve just realized that the music I play when I get home always reflects how I feel. I was actually pretty happy when I got home but feeling kind of frustrated at the world which I personally think matches perfectly with 3OH!3... I’m going to do something dumb, don’t judge me!

Song game (ya know, the one where you press shuffle and you write down whatever song comes us):

1) How are you feeling right now?

• Too Young by the Secret Handshake

2) How is tomorrow going to be for you?

• Behave Yourself by Booker T. and the MG’s (oh goodness...)

3) How do people view you?

• Beware! Cougar! by The Academy Is...

4) How will this year be for you?

• The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

5) How successful will you be after high school?

• Barbara Ann by The Regents (what does that mean??)

5) How rich will you be?

• Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie (another mysterious answer)

6) How will your love like be like this year?

• Memory by Sugarcult

7) What is your love like?

• Come Softly to Me by The Fleetwoods (no comment.)

8) What is your secret?

• Shake It by Metro Station

9) What is your mantra?

• You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring

10) What is your guilty pleasure?

• Time After Time by Quietdive

11) How do you want to be remembered 50 years from now?

• Ain’t Got No Home by Clarence “Frogman” Henry

12) Who are you?

• Scene Change by The White Tie Affair

13)...and why should we care?

• I Like It Like That by Chris Kenner

14) The definition of you.

• Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry

I think that also gives you an insight into the random stuff I listen to. Well I really should go and make my mother a birthday card. I really have no ideas on what to write or what the card should be like...

-bye

p.s. This Pete quote just made my day. I feel so much happier because, i don't know if it speaks to you, but its screaming out to me. It just seems so... true.

...busy?

Okay, I think I’ve technically been busy all weekend because I had a lot to do, but since I didn’t do like 90% of the s *&$ I had to accomplish, does that count as being busy? I had all these plans for Saturday where I would go to the movies for a while with my cousin but then I would come home and finish my homework... well my plan changed a bit. I ended up going seeing the movie (as planned) but then we went shopping, and went to Costco, and went to my grandparents house... so instead of getting home at like 2-ish like I thought I would, I got home at eight. Needless to say, the whole day had just passed me by. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a blast. I went and saw the Jonas Brothers movie and it was AMAZING! My favorite part was when Joe took off his shirt *drool*. I’m not embarrassed to say that a new addition to my top 20 favorite movies ever is the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert experience. Oh but before we went to the movies we went to Panda Express, which always delightful. But after the movies we went to Ulta and my aunt bought me two new bottles of a much better foundation because my old one made me look slightly orange. Then we went to Best Buy and looked at some games for my cousins DS. She ended up buying Brain teaser 2 (or something along those lines). So we played it while we were in the car. That game made me feel so ridiculously dumb. Then we went and got some Costco pizza which I full heartedly believe is the world’s greatest pizza ever, and went to my grandma’s house and ate pizza and talked about how effed up the world is. We were talking about priests who are getting sued, churches that are closing and all this corruption that is going on inside the church that I have been going to all my life. I played around on the computer in my oldest cousin’s room and played bloons and some weird game about some sniper girl and the last level wouldn’t work. I finally went home and my mom was super mad because the agreement was that I would only be gone for a while... not the whole day. So when I got home, I stated working on memorizing my speech that I’m going to be presenting to class on Monday, which- OH SHIT- is tomorrow... I’m so not prepared. Well, actually I am prepared but that because I’ve been reading the speech out loud to my reflection in the mirror, not an actual class. Oh God, I’m gonna get so nervous that I’m going to be sick. If I never post again, it’s going to be because I was so nervous that I puked in front of my class and killed myself out of the sheer embarrassment... I’ll just try not to think of my impending disgrace.

So today we went to celebrate my mom’s birthday (which isn’t actually until next Wednesday) by going to breakfast at this Pancake place. It was not a fun experience. First off, my dad woke me up at eight, EIGHT!!! And made me get ready and then when we got to the restaurant, it was ridiculously packed so we had to wait outside for an hour and it was really cold. After what seemed like forever we finally got into the restaurant and I ordered some nice blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon. My parents were both raving about the bacon. So after another long wait I finally got my food and it wasn’t even that good. I would definitely have preferred getting Denny’s or IHOP. The bacon was ok, but it wasn’t nearly as good as my parents had hyped it. So after stuffing myself with food, we took my sister to her friends house and went home. My parents went off and did something so I was alone pacing my familyroom reciting the same stupid speech over and over again while the Panic at the Disco concert DVD/CD played in the background. After reciting the speech about twenty times I needed to give my vocal chords a rest so I decided to just sit down and chill to two songs on the Fall Out Boy CD... I woke up three hours later. I hate how easily I fall asleep. I then had some help from my mom in presenting my speech and I edited the essay that coincides with the assignment.

Hmmm maybe I should write about what happened after what happened after I posted my last entry. I had gone to my room and suddenly I had an anxiety/depression attack and I was just inconsolable. It was horrible. I feel terrible for just venting onto my friend Sarah who is facing her own issues. I just felt like everything was so overwhelming, but after finally collapsing, I woke up the next day and felt much better.

I’ve decided that I hate weekends, I would rather be at school then have to be bored in my house and not be able to see my friends of TBIL. (haha you thought I would go a whole blog without talking about him? Pfft no.)

I’m out of things to talk about because I’m boring...

-Bye

Definition

I couldn’t post yesterday because I went over to Sarah’s house after school and went to eat Pick Up Stix and played Wii racing at Nikki G’s house. So I got home around seven thirty and I had this ridiculously hard physics lab that I had to make a graph for, which turned out not even to be due today (which really pissed me off), so by the time I finished it, I was really tired and I still had to take a shower and pick out my clothes for today. But nothing that amazing happened anyways that I can recall… I don’t even think I saw TBIL that much. Oh but speaking about TBIL, today he was outside of his Spanish class room when I was going to mine so I was talking to Danni and I was trying to be all cutesy, it was pathetic. Oh and in Spanish, the Telanovela is getting so effing intense. I seriously was crying because it’s so sad. Nothing good happened for a few periods. At lunch I went to my sister’s club and watched a super funny Futurama episode. When I was walking to physics, I caught up to my friend Matt and was talking to him. So we’re outside of my physics class just talking and TBIL gets to his class and he like stops and is totally looking at me and Matt talking so I pretend to me all cute and flirty and after TBIL went inside his class, Matt looks at me and says, “Wow, you really like that guy, don’t you?” all I could do was show him my guilty smile. Nothing happed until after school when I went to my locker and TBIL was at his and he was totally taking his time and he was looking over at what I was doing but I was talking with this kid that is in the class I TA for sixth period and when I finished at my locker and walked away, she said that he kept glancing over at me. So later on I was talking with Sarah and we’ve come up with a theory. I don’t think TBIL likes me but I think he is just observing me and trying to either decide whether of not to like me, or if he is trying to decide how to approach me. Either one is acceptable. I’m just praying that this isn’t all in my head.

Later on, when me and Sarah we’re waiting for my dad to come pick us up, I asked Sarah if I was a ditzy girlie girl which led to us coming up with our own definition for what being a Girlie girl entails. So I’m going to post our definition:

Main Entry:

Girlie girl

Pronunciation:

gər(-ə)l \ee \gər(-ə)l

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Middle English gurle, girle young person of female sex

Date:

20th century

1. A young female with some or all of the following characteristics:
1. Clothing/ Make-up/ Hair obsessed
2. Favorite stores are Ambercrombie and Fitch and Hollister
3. Extreme valley girl style of talking
4. High maintenance
5. High drama
6. Dislike of Hot Topic
7. Only listens to mainstream music played on Kiis FM and KROQ
8. Dislike of emo boys
9. Preference of the color pink
10. Dislike of skinny jeans

So I’ve definitely decided that I can not be categorized as a girly- girl, a prep, or a Goth. I don’t think I’m quite an emo kid but I’m starting to think I’m a scene kid. Haha I love how I’m trying to define myself. No true scenester defines themselves as one. I guess I don’t have a category. I’m perfectly content to be that way.

I think I’m going to go chill to some more 50’s music in my room. OH WAIT! I need to go memorize my Clinton speech. I need to memorize it by Monday and currently I don’t have a single second of it memorized!

- Adieu

wow i'm A.D.D.

Yeah, I have problems. But guess what. The odds are, you have them too. Everyone has their little issues that they keep ‘under the rug.’ For me, I’m a pathological liar with a tendency to let me imagination get the best of me. Some problems, like coke addictions, are much more prominent then others but problems, none-the-less all problems are a hindrance to both moral and everyday life. Today I stumbled across a little problem my cousin has. I’m not going to say what it is because that’s not my point. My point is that when someone you know has a problem, helping can be ridiculously difficult. Especially when it’s something that is a very hush-hush subject.

I don’t want to go too in-depth about that because that is a real downer of a subject, so I’ll talk about the weird stuff that happened today. 1^st period was cool; we talked about 1950’s music and then started talking about the driving force and the memorable people from then and then Mr. C started talking about the music for the 1950's which really put me in a Johnny Cash kind of mood. God I love Johnny Cash. He was just such a fiiiiine young man. Oh goodness and so was Elvis. They just don’t make em’ like they used to. I really do think that I was just born in the wrong generation. I was supposed to be born in the 1930’s so that I could be a teenager in the 1950’s. I love everything about the 1950’s. It was just such an amazing time in history. (Also on that note, my sister really should have been born in the sixties so she could be a teenager in the eighties.) I love fifties clothes, fifties hair, fifties lingo, fifties cars, I love every single thing about the fifties. You have no idea how badly I want a ford thunderbird. Oh god, I know I’m going to spend thousands of dollars when I’m older just buying one of those gorgeous cars. I would sell a kidney just to get one, heck I’d sell em’ both if I could have a Thunderbird! Everything was just so shiny and beautiful and new back then. McDonalds wouldn’t be a major conglomeration that’s killing the world’s individuality yet, the highways wouldn’t be clogged with cars yet, and there would just be this plain sense of security because all the crazy crimes and illegal goings-on that occur now-a-days wouldn’t even be imaginable to people back then. Given, I would miss somethings like Starbuck, DVD’s, emo boy bands, skinny jeans, and converse, but I think I’d be perfectly content overall to live in the 1950’s. If only I had a time machine…

Wow, I certainly got off topic… second period was bleh. (Yeah I’m an AP English student and I use intense vocab words like ‘bleh’ hahaha lol) OH WAIT! I totally forgot to write about what happened before first period. Ok so my dad was called to jury duty in Compton so he was actually able to take me and my sister to school, so we got there a bit early. So my sister and I were talking to some friends about Golden axe

(funnest game ever >>>>)

and I mid-sentence when I that my friend Nikki was walking with one of her friends and she was holding a big plate of cookies so of course, being the pig I am, I ran over to her and started walking with her. Without even saying anything, she hands me like three cookies. So we’re walking to her friends locker and I’m stuffing my face with cookies and of course when my mouth is full, there is smeared chocolate and cookie crumbs on my face, I’m laughing with a full mouth and I’m practically falling over my own feet, TBIL passes by and looks at me. I wanted to die. But suddenly I had a thought, If anything ever happens between us (which it won’t) then he is just going to have to deal with the fact that I do things like stuff my face with delicious cookies and trip over my own feet. (Okay back to talking about what happened after second period) so I’m walking with Nikki after second when we go to our lockers and we don’t see Sarah so we just keep going. I go to my locker and listen to Ninja (it’s a nickname I give Angie) tell me about how her brother made her late to school thins morning. Then we started talking about getting tattoos because there is this really cute guy that has this awesome dragon tattoo on his arm. I’ve decided that I’m definitely going to get a tattoo but I just don’t know of what or where I would put it. I was thinking about getting the really cool stars tattoo like Kat VonD right under her hairline, because it’s pretty bad ass but I doubt my parents would ever approve, even if I was over 18… Then I went to Spanish and got to keep watching our Telanovela, Rosalinda. It’s so cheesy and bad that I don’t even watch it most of the time but I know perfectly well what going on because it’s so predictable. Then me and Sarah walked to our fourth periods and were talking about what Nikki had told me earlier about what had happened between her and the guy she’s into last night on Facebook. Math was… different… then usual. We had a sub because Mrs. B was sick. The sub was this big white guy that was super nice but soooo not even cute. I wish it was Senor Scott, now that’s a sub I could have everyday and not be unhappy. I was helping Carmen to understand the math homework, but most of the time we were just talking about who is cute and who isn’t in that class. Carmen is obsessed with the kid that sits next to me and just kept telling him how hot she thinks he is. Poor john got super scared and confused. Carmen seriously much have snapped because she was going nuts and flipping out but she kept saying that “this is just my hyper side”. I do like Carmen, because she is really nice, but sometimes that girl is just a little too much for me to handle. After math I immediately told Sarah all about Carmen’s weird behavior. I ended up going to Christian club with Sarah and I was super cool because the speaker today was this guy that had come to talk at church groups and stuff and he was from London and he had a British accent. I am a total whore for accents. I just… melt, when I meet someone with an accent. But that guy didn’t make me melt because he was like thirty but it was still pretty cool. He talked about how we need to refer to the bible to be our guide and that it’s going to help us out so much. Actually I don’t really remember much of what he said which I feel bad for because he said, “please don’t remember me for my accent, remember me for my message.” Sorry British-accent guy.

I totally failed the free response section of my physics quiz but I feel pretty good about the scantron part. But I just totally blanked when it came to some of the stuff we had learned. Maybe I should study more often… Sixth period was boring, as usual; I graded a few papers and then played some crossword puzzles. After sixth I went to Mr. J’s room to meet up with Nikki and some pretty epic stuff had happened with her and the guy she likes, so that was so great! She told me all about it while I went to my locker. I missed most of what she said because TBIL was at his locker but I’m sure I got the gist of what she was saying. Me, Sarah, and Nikki sat down while Nikki told her all about what had happened sixth period but then I remembered that my grandpa was picking me up and that I had to hurry to get to the car, so I walked with them to the Foreign language building before going our separate ways. So I get into the car and I start talking to my sister about what she had done that day because she had going to some Disney/interview type of deal.

-- oh I lost my train of thought because I had to go clean my room… where was I??? Oh yes, so My sister talked for a while as we drove to my grandparents house and then when we finally got there, I played guitar hero 3 for a while before going to eat some delicious home cooked burritos con carne. Later on my dad came, and it turns out that he hadn’t been pulled for a jury so the routine goes back to normal tomorrow which I’m totally down for because I had to get up an entire hour earlier than normal because my dad is crazy and thinks I need a whole hour to get ready, which isn’t true, I can take under ten minutes on a good day. So we went home and talked with Sarah on Facebook for a while and then played Bloons for a good half hour before starting today’s blog entry, and now I believe we’ve come full circle.

I think I’m writing these entries too long…

- Hasta Manana... maybe, actually i think I'm going to Sarah's house tomorrow so i don't know if I'll be able to post. If i do, it's probably going to be really late at night which is something I'm really not down for...

P.S. bloons... it's as addicting as crack

Mr. Perfect

Today was filled with a wide array of emotions. Let’s go in order, shall we?

This morning, I was so frustrated with my hair that I just threw it into a side messy pony tail… for the second time this week… And I just DGAF’d it. SO I get to school and had to quickly copy Jacqui’s homework that I had totally failed to do last night. Somehow I still got full credit. That was pretty cool. Second period we were working on our speeches. I might have said this yesterday, but I don’t remember, the speech that me and Heidi chose was “I Have Sinned” that was given by Ex-President Bill Clinton while he was still in office after the exposure of his sexual affair with that Intern, Monica Lewinsky. I have to memorize the second half which is pretty scary because my part alone is going to be five minuets long. I’m beyond nervous. Me and Sam were making scary faces at each other but our teacher saw and called us third graders. That was the first ego blow of the day. Then I went to my locker and saw him as usual with his arm around that little man-stealer. Then I made my way to Spanish class while telling Angie about how fun it would be to be able to just go around burning down whatever you wanted to. Yeah… she brings out the inner pyromaniac in me. Then in Spanish we talked about how crazy Don Quixote was. Then on the way to math me and Sarah were flipping through my latest issue of AP magazine and we’re awe struck by the beautiful pictures of The Maine’s gorgeous lead singer. Today math was actually enjoyable because I got to talk to this super funny Asian girl named Carmen that sits in front of me. It got awkward for a moment when she was talking about how much she needs to be cool and how she loves doing lame things by herself in her room... naked. I was unsure how to reply to that. Lunch was fun today, mostly. I went with Sarah to her Media in art class and played around on Pandora.com and Deviantart.com and found cool pictures of

Paramore

Family Force Five

and The Maine

(while simultaneously keeping an eye on the cute boy that me and Sarah like… did I just say that? Oh dear…). Melissa and Alyssa came in and I got super nervous and just kept my eyes glued to the computer screen. Thankfully they didn’t stay long so I went back to joking around with Sarah. Then when lunch was over I walked with Sarah towards her English class before setting off towards physics. Since my physics class is upstairs I had to walk to the staircase and I stumbled upon where a certain druggie and his girlfriend, or perhaps now ex-girlfriend, were eating. He was quiet and she seemed to be quiet. Paying attention to the druggie drama, I hadn’t noticed that TBIL had somehow gotten slightly ahead of me. I’m not sure how it happened but the Druggie bumped into me and he grabbed by arm. I played it cool walking up to physics because TBIL was right in front of me but as soon as I got into my class room, I began furiously rubbing my arm. I think Eric got some of his drugs on me L But the weird thing was that TBIL had paused at the door to his classroom until I had passed by and the guy he was walking with was like “dude? Are you going in?” and he was like “oh yeah…” and seemed to snap out of some sort of daze and went into his classroom. I was a little confused. Physics was boring, as usual. Then I went and talked to some of my friends in afterwards before heading to my sixth period to TA. Since I walked in late, Mr. B was already showing students to their new assigned seats. So now this cute freshman or maybe he’s a sophomore, sits at the desk right next to the TA desk and this obnoxious freshman sits next to him. So during the middle of Mr. B’s lecture the obnoxious kid yells out, “ **** thinks the TA is really cute.” You can’t even comprehend the level of embarrassment that suddenly filled that room. That poor boy was redder then a tomato and I was laughing but I was equally as embarrassed, even though I was much better at hiding it. After what seemed like a way-too-long sixth period school was finally over and I was on the phone talking to my uncle about the hit and run that his parked car had been in, I got to my locker the same time TBIL got to his. We we’re so undoubtedly awkward. I was so distracted and dazed that I have no recollection of what I was even saying to my uncle, or what any of the books I grabbed or put away were. My mind was in this huge jumble so I hurried and quickly got off the phone and ‘walked briskly’ to the bathroom, and stood inside one of the bathroom stalls trying regain my composure. After calming down I went and told Sarah about what had just occurred and she told me about her interesting “secret agent” interaction. After finally getting to my car, I feel asleep out of pure exhaustion in the back seat completely sprawled out. Later on When I was texting Sarah, we were creating the perfect boy by using bit and pieces for bother physical traits and personality traits from the boys that we love. The creation we decided on would be this borderline Greek God that would have perfectly golden hair with adorable red lips, that is of course a lead singer in a totally awesome band that was also really nice and calm and thoughtful and deep and he has to have a beard and a nice body that would have a stellar set of abs (kind of like > ) and he has to have that perfect Casey smile that makes me melt just thinking about it. I’m pretty sure I would sell my entire family into human trafficking just to make this perfect creation a reality… Is that wrong because I really don’t think so. I have finished all my homework, I’ve written my blog… I think I’m going to go read so that I can wind down a bit.

Today was quite a day…

This is so perfect about today that it's scary.

-Bye

P.S. NEW LIVELAVELIVE VIDEO! YAY!

Addictions

Today I thought a lot about all the weird little addictions I have. It’s nothing serious like crack, cutting, or praising the devil.

Its more like being:

A Chocolate addict

A music addict

A Starbucks addict

A guitar addict

(my baby ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^)

A fall out boy trail addict

A movie addict & A love addict (how corny is that?)

A sun chips addict

A Mexican food addict

A sushi addict

A procrastination addict

A journal writing addict

A Facebook addict

A hair straightener addict

A book addict (or is the correct term a book worm?)

A TV addict

And finally…

A picture taking addict.

I have a lot of addictions… but I’m pretty sure that they just add to all the things that make me unique. Ew. I hate the word unique because I think that in today’s society it’s used as a kind of buzz word that parents use to cover up that their kid is a freak. I don’t think I’m a freak. I know I can be a little… odd… but I’m not a freak. Besides, normal is just a point of view. No one person is normal. Everyone has their weird little addictions, their weird little ticks, their weird little thing about them that they can either embrace it, like how I am, or they can keep hiding. I’m so sick and tired of hiding things. I ready to just shove every single part about myself into he light of the day, but I probably won’t because no matter what I say, I know that I’d be scared out of my mind if my entire mental process and life experiences were laid out for everyone to see. This is a really weird thought, but I’m so thankful that humans do not have the power to read each others minds or I would never ever ever ever leave my room.

I think I’m going insane. I constantly think I heard people calling my name but when I look there is never anyone calling for me. Maybe my subconscious is telling me something, or maybe I’ve finally snapped… I hate my subconscious so I’d actually prefer if it was the latter of the choices.

Today I saw TBIL and I came close to just saying something but I held back because I am such a coward that it isn’t even remotely close to ever possibly being considered fairly funny. Am I exaggerating? NO! He thinks that I’m crazy. I don’t want to be known as the crazy girl, but I guess racing out of third period everyday so I can walk in front of him so her hears about whatever fake conversation me and Sarah have decided to make, could possibly be taken as crazy. But he doesn’t need to know that. UGH! All I want him to do is notice me and say hi, or talk to me on Facebook. I just want something, ANYTHING! But that never going to happen and I need to move on, but I don’t think I can. I like him way too ridiculously much. Wow… I’ve spent a little bit of every post talking about him. That’s obsessive.

I think there is a lot on my shoulders right now and I don’t think the sessions with Dr. Cena are really helping that much because we never have enough time to touch on that dark and haunting issue that looms over me like this endless rain cloud. Maybe this is God’s hint to me that perhaps I’m not meant for this life… Wow, that has to be the most emo and depressing thing I’ve ever thought. I need some cheer-me-up-chocolate.

- Ciao

P.S. Heroic Anthony

Crusin'

So I spent the whole weekend down in Long Beach just chillin’ with my dad. I took a lot of pictures because it feels like such an artsy place. Maybe I should be a photographer… nah, I’d take too many too weird pictures. But I think I’ll be a photographer as like a part time job. That would be cool. I love tall building with interesting architecture and Long Beach has plenty. There were a few fountains but I could never get a good shot.

My life since my last post has been pretty ‘eh.’ Good things have been happening but at the same time, a lot of things are kind of taking a turn for the worse. I’ve been trying to escape everything by just filling my head with music.

I think I need a vacation…

"Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer"

I looked at this and i read it, and then i re-read it and then a read it couple more times.
I think I've found my inspiration, my mantra, my new lines to live by.
Every word is true.
Every thought is relevant.
Every emotion is felt.
Just saying it out loud made such an impact on me.


I hope you can find inspiration in it, or maybe you can find something inspirational in your own lives.

-Goodnight