free moment

Things were getting a little hectic at school right before christmas break. My english class was starting to be awfully taxing and time consuming with two shakespeare plays I had to read and analyze. As a class we all had to read The Tempest, and then for our other play we got to chose between King Henrey VIII, The Merchant of Venice, Twelth Night, and one more that i can't recall. Most people chose Twelfth Night because of that Amanda Bynes movie, She's the Man. Then every one else were pretty evenly split between King Henry and the play I can't remember. So the smallest group was for Merchant of Venice and consisted of myself and my best friend. This gorgeous boy that's in my class wasn't there when the class chose their plays so the next day he offered to be in our Merchant of Venice group. Me and Melissa were both very very excited. At the start of the assignment he seemed to be doing most of the work which was surprising. Melissa and I had a study day at my house to do the work for the play but we ended up spending most of the time shopping for prom dresses online. I ended up just grabbing some pre written stuff online for the questions i was assigned. I had continuously put off reading the actual play, but eventually the day where we would be questioned in panel fashion by my english teacher to gauge our analytical understanding of the play. Using what little i picked up from copying answers online and what melissa had sumed up for me, I was able to brilliantly BS my way through the questioning. My teacher praised my insightful and brilliant answers while melissa gave me death glares for outdoing her without having read a single page of the play.
Annatomy has been a pain in the keister lately because we had to form groups and present different chapters for the chapter review before the semester final. Since i was sick, i wasn't much help to my group and i was dreading presenting in front of the class because i had absolutely no voice and Mr.Mayo said he was going to be merciless in taking off points during the presentation. Luckily the presentations were taking longer then expected so my group isn't going to present until after the break. So hopefully this damn cold will be gone and i will have my voice back.
My dad jusr came home so i'm going to call it quits. I doubt i'll post tonight because i have a christmas party at my grandma's house and i doubt i'll post tomorrw since it will be christmas... so, have a merry christmas.

beat the damn system

I finally figured out how to beat the system when it comes to posting a blog update from my cell. (i'm excited!) So now that i can post i'll talk about what i wrote about a couple days ago when my blog rudely woyldn't post. I'll start by talkin' about my grades... they're alright, nothin' to brag about. I currently have a 3.10 that consists of two A's, two B's, and two C+'s. One would think that i'm lazy because one of my A's is in my aerobics class but the other A is in my AP english lit class, so suck it trick! My C's are in anatomy (which such a hard class) and government (which i have to admit i only have a C in cuz i don't do a single fuckin' assignment because it's such a retarded class). So my B's are then clearly the only two classes i haven't mentioned- video production and Finite. So I think in my last long post I said something about liking video class, well scratch that cuz Mr.S pulled my segment... AGAIN! I try so hard and he never lets it air. I'm officially over that whole fucimg class and vow not to do another single assignmet for that class for the rest of the semester, which is when my schedual changes and i get to drop tha god forsaken class.
I'm still sick which really bites because i've been trapped in th house with my sister but at least it's better ten being at school while sick like i was all of last week. I finished christmas shopping. i'll write morw tomorrow cuz i'm tired. G'night!

as usual

As usual, everytime I try to post, it either doesn't post or someone interrupts my writing process. I wrote a great entry two nights ago but it wouldn't work and everytime i've tried to post since, i've been interrupted. I wish i could remember the post from two nights ago but i just can't and my cold is making my head hurt so i'm gonna just throw in the towel and try to post something worth reading tomorrow.

nyquil...

I just downed some nyquil so i better make this quick before i pass out.
so basically TBIL is in love with a girl in his artclass. as to be expected, my heart hurts but i'm still not going to give up because i'm still showing him the little things that make us so perfect. i'm obsessed. i'm disgustingly obsessed with him and it disgusts even me. i need to move on but my attempts always fail...
anyways, i went with my friends to san diego on saturday. we walked around the downtown area in the cold and rain for half an hour tryin to find a freaking starbucks. so i've come down with a pretty horrible cold/sore throat due to our stupid voyage. and my cell phones gps almost got us lost numberous times... we weren't happy campers on the ride home...
so since this is the last week of school before winterbreak i've been having all the midterms in my classes. for engish class we had to be in groups and read a shakespeare play. my friend and i chose the merchant of venice and happened to end up being put in a group with this gorgeous boy. so today we had to be in 'panels' and my english teacher would ask various group members different literary analysis questions to gauge their understanding of the book and to decide individual grades. so being the natural 'overachiever' that i am, i never read the play and hd it summarized for me by my friend the night before, but my teacher continuously praied my responses to his analysis questions and called them intelligent and insightful. melissa was prettyupset that i did better then her and hadn't even read the play but i thought it was hilarious. i took my governmet test yesterday, and i'll probably get a c or b. i took my math midterm today and it was sooooooooo easy. i finished up my project for video class which i've actually enjoyed tge past few days be ause i've gotten to the aspect that i love which is doing it all myself. i filmed, created, uploaded, and edited it all by myself.
okay i have more to say but the nyquil is really getting to me. goodnight!

In depth

Okay so i wrote a really bomb post last night my it wouldn't post and i'm sure i won't be as eloquent as i was then but I'll attempt to write it again.

The main issue of yesterday revolved around the life lesson I received from my sixth period government. To put it simply, the lesson was that idiots with charisma are always going to beat quiet people of intelligence and actual substance. I learned this because of a faux-presidential election that had the classroom divided into several groups that created their own political party, nominated a candidate from within the assigned groups, and present a power point presentation to basically sell your candidate to the class. I didn’t really know my group members terribly well, one is a very quiet shy girl, a funny and nice smart girl, and this emo kid who has the worlds tightest pants… so being the overachiever I am when it comes to big projects, I wanted to make this a huge thing with posters and give-away-items and a funny video, but that wasn’t what they had in mind. They wanted to just dgaf the whole thing… I was kind of bummed but went along with it for a while until I couldn’t hold back and let my overachiever side come out. I made a bag, bought candy, made a political song by changing the lyrics of Hey Jude to fit the whole campaign, and made a short video commercial advertisement… I worked with the girls on our political party’s platform and came up with very intelligent ideas, that would work pretty well if it were actually to be used in the actual government. Then the day to present the candidates was yesterday and the day before. I’ve come to expect from high schoolers a certain lack of the ‘boom’ factor, so I was confident in our party’s success, but I was proven wrong. There was definite pizzazz in the campaigns. Then I started to realize something the class seemed to be blind to, the campaigns we’re poorly thought out and would have had many flaws if it were to be used… One candidate had his party all wear suits, the other told bad jokes, another wore suits and sunglasses because they were “serious”, another used the candidates ‘cutesy’ factor shamelessly, and another used crude humor, and the last was just overall confusing and stupid. My group was the only one not putting up some façade to blind the people… but the ‘fat funny kid’ won. The ‘fat funny kid’ always wins. Was I the only person to see that there is no way to both cut taxes and increase government funding for government sponsored programs & services? I wouldn’t have been so wound up if it weren’t for the fact that his closing selling point in the thirty seconds each candidate had to emphasize their ability to take office, was to rudely and harshly slam his opponents one by one. I wanted to claw his face off. How dare he slam my group that used its brain rather then a fucking platypus shirt and brazen slander to appeal to the audience. But I don’t blame him alone; I believe the class shares in the blame for having voted for the ignorant ass. Don’t think me petty enough to be this angry just because my group lost, because I never forgot that It’s just for my government class, I’m angry because it’s not just my sixth period that has fallen for the charisma of an oaf, it’s happened all over the world. How can people be so stupid as to let a little razzle dazzle distract them from the truth? I have never had much faith in my generation but what hope was left has been undeniably crushed. I’m so sorry that my generation will be the last because it’s stupidity will lead to the eventual ending of mankind. So to answer the question from my previous post, yes, the end is near… and it’s my generation’s fault.

I guess I will now tell about the recent mishaps of my love life…I got a great boyfriend who was into all the same things as me and had all the same views on society as I do… things were just fantastic and happy… then it all came apart. The boy that claimed to be ‘straight-edge’ and just as ‘anti-drug’ as I am, turned out to be not only a user but a dealer as well. He then had the audacity to be angry with me for not being ‘cool with it’ and for not ‘understanding his situation.’ He called me many un-kind names and kept repeating that I have a god-complex and think I’m better then everyone else and then informed me that I’m not a moral person, I’m in fact a preach bitch with a stick up her ass. Needless to say, that relationship ended. I want to be his friend and help him stop the bad things he is doing but he isn’t going to turn to me or listen to me… and everyone around me is telling me I’m too young to help him and that I shouldn’t take his problems onto my shoulders, but that’s just bullshit because I think the existence of humanity has something to do with helping one another and sharing burdens. Age is not an excuse to give up on someone in need… I won’t give up on him, I may not be in love with him but I do have a love for him like a sibling or parent, and I want what is best for him, so I’m going to continue putting up with the crap because I’m not going to let him sink. I don’t know if a depression attack is anything like feeling like you’re at rock bottom due to drugs but if it is, I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel that pain, because it’s horrible. I have nightmares about the pain… It’s a dark that doesn’t leave, and whisper that won’t silence, a cut that keeps bleeding, a storm that won’t clear until one comes to the two final choices, suicide or rising above. There is no real way to describe that world shattering feeling and I don’t want to describe it perfectly even if I could because it’s not something to be explained. He may have faults but he doesn’t deserve to ever have to consider suicide as a solution to his problems.

College applications have been the only thing my parents have been concerned with for the past two weeks. I had applied to two schools I didn’t really care for almost the day after applications were allowed to be filled out, but the schools that I actually want to attend were sent in the day before the deadline because they were last minute suggestions that turned out to be just what I wanted. After much negotiation, I was allowed to apply to Monterey and may attend there if I’m accepted only if I’m rejected from both Cal Poly Pomona and CSU Humboldt. I don’t see my chances for getting into CPP being great but I don’t really want to go there so I don’t care, but I’m pretty sure that I’ll get into both Humboldt and Monterey, but I really hope I get rejected from Humboldt so I can go to the school I have been wanting to attend.

The boy I like is driving me crazy… He is around me all the time, looks at me during class, and walked behind me almost everyday to my sixth period but he won’t talk to me… He won’t open his mouth… maybe it’s my own ego that making this happen but his blog entries seem to hint that he likes me… I wish he’d make a move, because I’ve already made a move, now it’s his turn… I want to say that I’m not going to waste my time waiting for him, but I would. He’s everything I want in a guy. We’re so perfect that it’s ridiculous. He is the first guy I’ve ever liked that I am attracted to him mostly because of his mind. He’s such a fascinating person with his ability to keep this cool exterior while hiding this starving poet genius within. I’m not sure that I love him because I have only once thought I was in love and it didn’t feel anything like this, it’s not stronger or weaker, just different.

My stress rashes are worse, mainly because I won’t leave them alone. It has spread to both hands and is not creeping up onto my neck and face… I try to stop but it’s almost subconscious when I pick at it. The rash bleeds when I mess with it, so I’ve been bleeding a lot lately and have had to put my hair in front of my face and make a dash out of class and into the restroom to wipe the blood off my face… I never thought the rashes were completely linked to my stress before but now I’m sure they are…

On a lighter not, I’ve been making some changes lately. My wardrobe, makeup, hair color, and other things have been evolving to be more mature. I’m getting away from the whole t-shirt/skinny jeans look and am trying to expand my style. My makeup is simple and natural now, no more bright colors, I dyed my hair black, and no, it’s not because I’m going Goth, because I’m not, the black was in fact my fathers suggestion. I’ve been trying to change how I act with my friends but I’m not sure that it’s going as planned because they aren’t reacting as I had hoped. I’m trying so hard to be a better person but I feel like I’m going to lose the identity I’ve thus far created in my life, but then again, what if this change is going to be my true identity and the old one was just a phase? I won’t lose myself in the change but if I do lose part of myself I hope that it’s the part I hate that is subconsciously trying to sabotage my life…

Okay I’m sick of typing.

"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs."

Adios.

-Sabrina

is the end really near?

Sorry for taking a long absense from posting. it's been a very taxing time for me, both mentally and physically. hmmm i guess i'll talk about the bad things first... so there was this kid i went to elementary school with and we were extremely good friends but contact was dropped when i switched schools in sixth grade, and for the past couple of months i've been hanging out with elementary school friends and that boy dropped by during when i was with my friends. He was a short skinny kid in elementary school, but now he's tall and built and does football and basketball. So me and him were so close again so quickly and he ended confessing that he had a crush on me throughout elementary school and he also said that he thought of me frequently after i had switched schools. We started dating and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend which i completly agreed to. i'm not gonna pretend that TBIL wasn't a motivating factor in my eagerness to get a boyfriend... but anyways, we were getting along fine until the truth came out. the boy that claimed to share my same straightedge views was not only a druggie but a fucking dealer. then he had the nerve to get angry at me when i told him that i won't be in a relationship with anyone who abuses drugs. he called me a lot of horrible names because i 'was such a stuck up moral preaching bitch.' it'd be a normals persons presumption that i hate him, but i don't. i don't love him, but i remember what a deep bond we share so i want to help him stop using. to be clear, i will not go out with him now or ever but i will always be his friend and friends help friends fight their personal demons. everyone keeps telling me that i'm too young to be taking on his problems but i refuse to accept that and just give up on him, even though he doesn't know it he needs my help. the stress rash thingys on my hands are getting worse because i keep picking at it and now it's spread to my neck and face. my parents are trying to hide it but i know the rashes scare them and are making them worry about me more then usual. i just got to experience the joyful stress that comes with filling out college applications for the first time. after a long fought battle, i was allowed to apply to tge school i actually do want to attend,cal state monterey but as part of a compromise with my mother i can only go to monterey if i get rejected from both humboldt and cal poly pomona. i applied to five schools in all. i have more bad news but i'm just gonna skip it and move to the good news. my sister got to come home from college over thanksgiving break so it was nice to see her and hang out like old times. i text her like everyday but it was cool to have her back home. i took her friday night to a game of broomball my church was hosting, it was a lot of fun except my best friend brought her neighbor who is so annoying but my otger friend's older brother was there and his sheer amount of awkwardness brings me smiles. oh i've recently made a new friend in my math class and i guess it really is true that nothing brings people together quite like a common enemy. we both sgare a disgust for this obnoxious kid who thinks he is gods gift to mankind. mynew friend is totally awesome and loves kat von d even more then i do. she was kat for halloween and even drew on most of the tattoos kat has. she's an amazingly gifted artist and i love to look at her artwork. okay i'm super tired but i'll try to post tomorrow night but i gotta add some things before i end this post.
first,my friend and i took a spurr of the moment trip to las vegas thedat before halloween and since we left at nine at night we didn't get to vegas until two am on halloween. i'd never been to vegas before, it was amazing. i'll go more in detail about that in another post later on. can't think anymore... good night...

Trying Something New

I decided that there is no better way to get a certain boy out of my head then to go out and try new things.
Being the naturally un-school-spirited person that i am, i've never been to a single choir show before, until tonight. Giving me an excuse to stop moping in my bed, i reluctantly agreed to go. I feel bad about it now, but i was so prepared for a night of horrible noise since its just a high school choir, but I was pleasantly surprised at how amazingly talented my school's choir is. They performed dozens of broadway songs and truly did them justice. I congratulated my friend afterwards and learned that the girl that i thought was her during the entire show turned out not to be her...
Everyone around me is getting sick. I'm doomed to get sick. i've been feeling the sickness start to creep up on me the past two days. dang.
My fingers are starting to get tired.
good night.
-sabrina

It's shattered...

I can't pretend that i didn't see it coming, but i finally know that the guy i've been utterly in love with for a long time has his eye on a girl that isn't me. I spent so many hours trying to get myself to stop that silly fantasy, but part of me wouldn't let go. But now i have the proof to prove that he isn't interested in me. I underestimated how much it would hurt. It's almost funny that he broke my heart but won't ever know it.

I'm not ready to move on, but i have no choice. There are many reaponsibilities resting on my shoulders and i can't disappoint others just because of him. I gotta take a breath in, let it out now, put you're chin up tiger cuz you're a man now... I think Travis McCoy is the only one who understands...

Boy issues, friend issues, parent issues, and school issues. wow. I can't handle this, but i can't ask for help cuz i don't deserve it.

I'm fucked.
Good night.
-Sabrina

It's shattered...

I can't pretend that i didn't see it coming, but i finally know that the guy i've been utterly in love with for a long time has his eye on a girl that isn't me. I spent so many hours trying to get myself to stop that silly fantasy, but part of me wouldn't let go. But now i have the proof to prove that he isn't interested in me. I underestimated how much it would hurt. It's almost funny that he broke my heart but won't ever know it.

I'm not ready to move on, but i have no choice. There are many reaponsibilities resting on my shoulders and i can't disappoint others just because of him. I gotta take a breath in, let it out now, put you're chin up tiger cuz you're a man now... I think Travis McCoy is the only one who understands...

Boy issues, friend issues, parent issues, and school issues. wow. I can't handle this, but i can't ask for help cuz i don't deserve it.

I'm fucked.
Good night.
-Sabrina

200 isn't enuff so i'll just make more posts. My friend tried to get me to talk to him on facebook but i couldn't cuz i'm a chicken. That's all i can put. Ciao.

now i can blog through text but i only get 200 characters. The guy i like is driving me crazy. He doesn't talk to me and i'm too shy to talk to him. Epic. Fail.

Sorry...

I haven’t posted in a good long while, mainly because life has become so very hectic. Actually, that a fairly blatant lie because I’ve had tons of free time, I’m just so ridiculously lazy. I just started getting an insane hand cramp so this entry is going to be short.

I’m in love. He knows I exist, but nothing has yet to happen. I got a class with him this year, but we don’t sit near each other, except for a stupid game we sometimes play, but I got voted off the game so I will no longer be sitting by him. We’re so similar, that it’s a tad freaky. He likes some girl, but I don’t have a clue about who it is, and I know it isn’t me. For a while I was able to give myself the confidence boost of believing that maybe it was be, but I can’t keep fooling myself. He’s cute, smart, funny, and chill, he could have ANY girl, so he wouldn’t settle for the ugly socially awkward creeper…

I hadn’t had any bad bouts of depression lately, but it hit me today like a ton of bricks. I thought that it might have something to do with the weather, but then I remembered that I love this dark rainy weather. I just wrote this poem today after school:

Hello there,
Long time no see
I can tell that you’ve been working out
Because you’re much stronger then before
Maybe it’s my fault
I allowed myself to forget the pain
I can never forget that I’m being punished
You’re no longer something to “overcome”
You’re something to “endure”
I feel that I must warn you,
My support system is growing
Your days are numbered
Your time is limited
I am trying to be stronger
Better
Truer
Calmer
I have cheerleaders and role models
They keep me on my new path.
I’m defined by many words
Girl.
Dork.
Comedian.
Lazy.
Smart.
Sarcastic.
Stubborn.
Determined.
Adventurous.
Loud.
Quiet.
Depression is not one of them

I think that’s the best way to describe my current view on my depression. It’s hard to explain but I think it comes across fairly well though that context.

Things are different. My sister has gone away to college. I’ve taken big steps in my relationship with God, as in joining Christian club and attending youth church on Tuesday nights. It’s weird having the apartment to myself more often. I usually nap, text, or do homework, but it’s still weird. I’ve visited my sister once since she went to college, apparently she joined an ultimate Frisbee team… She seems so happy but I miss her like crazy. I do text almost everyday thought, but it’s just not the same as having her home. I’ve just delved into the entire college application process, and I’m so scared but at the same time fairly confident because of my good SAT score and ACT score. I’m slightly upset but my parents told me that they will not be allowing me to apply for my dream college, Cornell University because my grades are not up to par for them, and they think the application cost is too high.
I miss certain people a lot right now, but I think the biggest change has been the “temporary” drop of certain connections. Doesn’t it suck how what’s for best is never the easy or fun thing to do?

My hand is killing me… that’s all I can think of to post.

Bye.



Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown


Love,
S.

pathetic

I had forgotten what joyous rites come with being ‘his’ girl. The near constant jealousy, the need to always be in contact, the way he has to know where I am every second and the best part is that he never tells me where he is or what he’s doing. This really shouldn’t be a one way street but it is… It’s getting really pathetic with the way that he’s trying to get me to opt out of attending church camp because it’s the first time he’ll be able to come see me since we’ve started this part of the vicious cycle yet again. I feel bad but I gave him a phony address of this kid that I don’t know. I can’t be too careful because I can never let myself forget that I’m dealing with a crazy person who is capable of doing stupid things such as trying to kidnap me and take me to south America or something like that. Yesterday was the first time contact with the others began, aside from my closest friend that I never dropped contact with. I had forgotten how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how much fun they are. For better or for worse, they are my second family and I guess families are supposed to stick together, no matter how mismatched and fucked up the family truly is. Hmmm…. ‘truly’…. That’s an interesting thought. Everything that happens with us now revolves around truth because he realized how badly a lie can affect everything and everyone. Another place where I find humor in the flexibility of truth is in the others of my ‘other’ family. We all delude ourselves into a false truth that this is meant to be and that in the end everything is going to work out for us and that this isn’t fucked up. In the end we’re all just lying to ourselves. Things aren’t going to work for us, but I guess the only thing one can do in a hopeless situation is take refuge in pure fools hope. I used to think I was the undeserving little loser, but the tables have turned and he is the one that doesn’t deserve of me. I’ve learned that I have the power to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and continue my life and that’s something that I’m proud of. He’s the one with the dependency issues, the morality issues, and he love issues. I deserve better and I know I can do better, so I’m not scared anymore, the future doesn’t frighten me. He’s the one that should be a little worried. I can’t pretend that I don’t love that idiot, but I know that my heart is strong enough to stand being broken, but I can’t really say the same for his. If he steps out of line again, or tries to use me again, it’s going to backfire on him because I possess the willpower now to just walk away. The love I have for him isn’t a leash, it’s something that makes me see past his many little faults but I know it won’t see past the huge ones when they surface. Although this is starting to sound awfully pessimistic, I’ll make the fact clear that I don’t actually want fault to surface, if I could have it my way, we’d get married as soon as I finish up my GED, get a nice house near where I’m gong to continue my college education and live happy lives. But let’s face it- I need to be a realist as well as a dreamer. As I learned the hard way once before- good things don’t last.

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."

paalam
- Sabrina

you spin me round, right round

I’ve never been one to enjoy confrontations but I seem to be this human argument magnet… If you read the last post, you understand my current life question. I asked him. It didn’t go as well as expected… He went ballistic and said some pointless shit about my love not being true if I could doubt his love. It was really pathetic. It was my original plan to just spill everything I had been holding back but his stupidity just completely changed my plans for me. I told him every last detail about everything and didn’t edit anything for the sake of his feelings. I was practically sobbing by the time I finished. For the first time in possibly forever, he was speechless. It was silent for ten minutes aside from the occasional: “are you still there?” “yep.” He was the first to speak, “how can I fix it?” That was not what I was expecting to hear from him at all. What I was expecting were the usual lies, excuses, and topic changers. Did he really just offer to fix things? It is soooo not in character for him to ever take responsibility for anything ever. I was now the speechless one but as I got over the shock I was silent in thought. Could he really fix what he’s done? The answer is yes. I took in a breath and said, “no.” I worked my ass off through depression, though the bullshit, thought everything by myself. Why should I let him come and take all the credit away from the work that I’ve done. I know that it could possibly change some of how people around me feel for the better but I don’t care because this is just who I am, who I have created myself, for better or for worse. I don’t think he was expecting a no, so he asked again to clarify. And again I rejected his offer. He demanded an explanation so I gave it to him. Again, oddly out of character, he listened quietly and in the end he understood and accepted it. He laughed when I asked where was the real him because this fake him is really starting to freak me out. Then for he first time in the entire conversation he did something very in character, he said that maybe we really aren’t meant to be and that we need to “end the charade.” I laughed to myself because that’s what he says every time before I wake up the next morning and find a billion text messages on my cell begging to give him another chance. Not to belittle the heart-felt speech he was giving, I agreed and we said our goodbyes and a few cordial sentiments and I proceeded to hang up the phone. I crept out of the living room, cursing at the creaky hallway door and crawled back to bed and drifted into an odd dreamless sleep. I awoke, rolled over and looked at my cell phone. No new text messages. This is the really sick part, I wasn’t relieved, I was disappointed. For how much I need him out of my life, I can’t deal with things without him there making things worse… My disappointment didn’t last long. About an hour after we broke up, I got a text message reading, “words will never end our love.” Cliché bastard. I love him. We’re stick together on an endless cycle that I never ever want to end.

“You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
--Sri Chinmoy

Doviđenja

- Sabrina

endless cycle

This is how it starts. Every time. A simple phone call.
The only answer the question of why is also simple. I’m weak. I’m so weak.
He had told me the ‘L’ word before but it was never like directly to me or it was something he’d just text me but he said it… he said it right to me and that’s when I lost all the courage I had built up to finally kick him out of my life. That damn snake wormed his way back in. I should never have picked up the phone. I never should have agreed to let him “tell his side” and I really never ever ever ever ever should have let him say those three awful words. But maybe it’s my fault for letting things go down the way they did. I still sometimes wonder why I took the fall for him, why I took the blame, why I saved him, and then I remember why… because I love him. But the newer question on my mind is whether or not he loves me or just feels guilty for letting me take the hit for him. Was the whole ordeal I suffered worth having saved him? Was losing everything I had really worth giving him everything he needed? The real kicker in the whole situation is that he has never once apologized for it. I have to lie to everyone just to distract from what was really going on and he just dumps me out on the street like last weeks trash without even caring what he did to my life… I know it would have been horrible but if things had gone on much longer without having my life finally get back in order, I would have done it, I would have gone to the police and the news stations and I would have let him pay for it all. Well… I don’t know if I actually would have done it but then again I think I’m starting to forget how dark things really were for me. He used me and I don’t trust him in refraining from using me again. It’d be a lie to say that I don’t get this stupid gut feeling from being part of his life that seems to make every other part of my life seem so tiny and insignificant.

Two hours. We talked for two hours. And by ‘we’ I mean him. He talked the whole time apart from the random ‘uh huh’ ‘oh wow’ and ‘oh my gosh’ that I was allowed to interject from time to time. I had forgotten how everything revolves around him. My life is dull and not worth talking about apparently, not that I disagree but it’s not very kind of him to assert the fact in my face. He wants me to run away with him. Does he not remember what happened last time I tried? I hate that even though I hate every fiber of his being with every fiber of mine; I love him and will never be able to rid myself of him. This is the kind of love that I’m never going to forget but he’ll forget in a few months. The sickest thing is that if he came to my door right now and asked me if I wanted to just leave and marry him and be with him, I wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to stick my ground and finally get him to explain everything to me and tell me his motives and his feelings and I hope to god that at some point I will finally see if it was worth it or not.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Thanks for listening to me babble....

adéu
- Sabrina

owch...

I’ve had a pretty awesome time since my last post except for a few bumps… like Alyssa’s car not starting, losing the make-up I bought as Sephora, and some other things… but in the end it was fine. I spent the night at Melissa’s house and spent today with her going to Panda Express, Ulta and then to Sam Ash and then to Alyssa’s house where she gave me my Sephora make-up that I had accidentally left in her car. We watched an episode of Lie to Me; I’m so addicted to that show now! The weirdest thing that happened was when we started talking about our experiences kissing and Mel asked me the most unexpected question: did he ever kiss me… Needless to say, I was caught off guard. I stuttered out an answer before switching the subject as quickly as possible. She noticed. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable telling her about it, okay maybe I am kinda of uncomfortable, but I just want to forget about it, regardless of how much it seems like the universe disagrees with me… I mean maybe as horrible and just plain wrong it seems, I’m meant to be with him… because life is like a fucking circle for me because even when I go off and do something, no matter what, I always end up in the same place with the same person and I’ll admit it her but no where else, I love the predictability… but at the same time I hate it because no matter how hard I want to get away, I end up in the same fucking place… I’m just sixteen (soon to be 17), I’m too young to have found the one, especially if that one was born a decade before me! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to believe… I swear to god my life feels like a soap opera… I need a vacation! I'm going to try to get my mind off it by talking about how I’ve figured out that I want to play the banjo! I saw one at Sam Ash and I’ve been thinking about it for a while… I just really really want one! Okay, I want to go lay down because I gave myself I headache… sigh

Is love
supposed
to hurt
this much?






tot ziens

Sincerely,
Sabrina

pondering...

I now have a fear of answering my cell or reading new text messages. They are all from the same person. They are from the same creepy overbearing angry person. I don’t want to write about that but I thought I should just get it out there just in case I get I’m found dead or missing, people will know where to start looking. Well I’m not afraid that he’ll kill me, I’m just afraid that he’ll do something completely irrational and stupid and thoughtless and impulsive!

There have been few updates since my last post but I guess I’ll list them out.

My sister came back from her vacation and took her laptop back so I’m writing this on the computer. No one is home right now because Amelia went with her friend to the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I would have gone but I don’t really like the Harry Potter movies, they seem a tad over dramatic to me.

Yesterday I went and took my senior portrait pictures for the yearbook, which was... an experience. I had to wear this ridiculous long sleeve black shirt that I was practically melting in because it’s been so damn hot lately. I was completely self-0conscious the entire time because I knew who was gonna be their at the same time as me... and I think he knew it too. My... hmmm, I actually don’t know what he is to me, a friend? No... an acquaintance? No... Well whatever he is, he was there for his portrait and things were so awkward.... oh. so. Awkward. He never got out of his car while I was there. He just sat there and when I came out of the photography place, he waved a very awkward wave and I didn’t know what to do in return so I did nothing... yeah... I just couldn’t process thought due to my nerves. I was texting my friend non-stop to give her a play-by-play of the events as they were occurring. Our current theory is that he does like me even though he doesn’t really know me but he understands that I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m quite the opposite and he can sympathize because he isn’t the most mentally stable individual either.

My dad is going to come back home soon so I better wrap this up.

-going to downtown Disney tonight with my chums

-went swimming and hung out with my fried that I hadn’t seen in forever (only like 3 weeks)

-have actually been sleeping better (because I’ve actually been sleeping!)

-finally got info about paying for church camp because I’m too poor to pay it myself so I need a scholarship.

-I really want to make a music video but I don’t know of what but it’s probably going to feature my little blonde musician friend...

Okay... that’s all I can think of.

Auf Wiedersehen

-sabrina

third night in a row, woo!

This is the third night in a row? really? wow... it seems like it's been longer. I regret to inform you that my sister will be back home tomorrow so i will no longer be able to use her lap top which will only leave the computers which are out in the open in the living room hence making it harder to achieve privacy when typing up about my life! (were you able to follow that??? because i even got a little confused...) Here i'll dumb it down- no more lap top = back to my complete inconistancy in posting... but no one reads this so it doesn't even matter...

Anyways, today was pretty nice. I woke up around noon, ate, played guitar for three hours, went and got some sushi with my dad, watched some stuff on the computer, started watching hell boy 2, was wating to watch the rest of it with my dad but got impatient and started playing games at addictinggames.com, got bored of that, went on the other computer and played some more gamees, and then played sims 2 for a few hours. I know that it was really pathtic to waste my entire day in front of the computer but i needed just a vegg out day becasue life has been getting a little frustrating latelyt and this was a well deserved break. Tomorrow is going to be hell becasue i have to spend hours trying to make my mother co-exist with this little thing called technology. I need to help her set up her cell phone, and fix her face book. yes... my mother has a facebook, i'm just as scared as you are... But me and my sister already made a pact that we are not going to accept her as a friend on facebook because that's just really really really weird! I am so notlooking forward to tomorrow. On monday i'm being shipped off to my grandparents house for the day which is perfectly fine by me because i love them but it can get a little boring over there... on tuesday i have to go take my senior portraits for the yearbook. I am so angry that the picture iws so soon because i am not ready! I have a scar on my cheek and i'm completely broken out! This isn't how i want top be remembered in my yearbook for my senior year of highschool!

Okay, for the first time in weeks, i'm actually tired enough to fall asleep quickly so i'm gonna cash in on this while i can.
sorry but i don't wanna go find a quote so i'll just put what my sister texted me today after i asked for slightly belated permission to use her laptop:

Me: "Can I use your laptop? i just wanna look up guitar tabs and stuff."
My sister: "I take it that me not replying counted as a yes you can. just don't screw with it or they wont ever find your bones"

... my sister... she's a charmer, alright...

goodnight!!! <333
Sincerely,
TU MADRE!

(hmmm, don't ask...)

Up and Down Merry-go-round

Things have gone topsy turvy very quickly and very mysteriously... The people i hate are suddenly my best friends again, the people who are my best friends have been m.i.a. lately and the people who don't care about me are suddenly interested. And aside from all that, i just had a near mental breakdown today because the reality of college costs just smacked me right in th face. Did you know that every year of college becomes more expensive because every year there are less and less ways that scholarships and grants and such can be attained, so if my freshmen year is going to be so effing difficult to pay for, thinking of the next years where i won't have nearly the same amount of financhial aide is killing me. I have no source of income, no one will hire me, i depend upon my parents and neither of my parents ever graduated college so they both have crappy dead end jobs that don't pay nearly the amount of money that is necessasary to put two girls though college because next year after i finish my senior year it wwill be both my sister and I going to college full time... I'm doomed to a life of payingoff student loans! As extreme as it seems, i think my only real option is to join up and have uncle sam pay for my college education. My entire family would throw histerics if they knew my plans for after high school... I want to join up. Actually, that is not true, i don't want to join up, i NEED to join up becasue i can't let my parents spend what little money they make on my college. My parrents need to keep their money so they can move away from this crappy apartment in this shitty neighborhood. I apologize for the rant but college tuition is going to be the death of me, seriously.

Other news, i think my friend is mad at me becasue i flaked on her but I'm fairly angry at her for getting upset with me because she is the biggest flake i have ever met. How can she not see that she is the pot and i'm the kettle in this situation?!?!?!?! What sucks even worse is that the way she acts and has the moral ridgity of a saint, makes it hard to be angry at her becasue she just makes everything just... ugh, i don't even know how to describe it. I haven't really seen her much since school got out for summer break and in all honesty, i'm slightly glad. I love her to death but i needed a break. I know her intentions are good but when i'm aound her i always feel like i have to be this person who is different then who i realy am and i've grow so tired of being fake. But thanks to her ability to make me feel guilty, i;d never be able to tell her. God, boys have it so fucking easy. Girls have all the problems, while boys just get to float though life with no real worries...

Well to end this post i think i'll tell you about the four awesome things that have been happening lately. First, My sister went with her friend to some lake so i get to experience only child life for a week and since she was going to a lake, it seemed dangerous for her to bring her new laptop along so i've been using it lately (i'm using it to write this actually) and i'm seriously falling ijn love with this little thing, i think it's a netbook or something. It'slike if a lap top had a baby! Second, due to my sisters absence, i've been spending quality time with my dad. We went and saw transformers two days ago, Wolverine yesterday, and Monsters vs. Aliens today. Out of my two parents i have a better relationship with my dad becasue he is calm, cool, and doesn't have the tendency to overreact to everything the same way my mother does... Third, i finally got around to adding some decorations to my room. I put up the black and clear stickers of the new york skyline and i got rid of some of the tacky stuff that was taking up space. I'm going to flip bopth my sisters comforter and mind becasue the undcerside is close to the room color theme i'm going for. I took down some of the posters in my room and i'm probably going to take down the Jonas Brothers one soon becasue I could have sworn that i saw kevin move his head towards me a few nights ago... Fourth and final, I just palyed Monopoly: The Simpsons with my mom and i was doing pretty well, then i was practically broke (i had like three bucks left) and then my amazing luck kicked in and in the end i owned almost every property and had a bunch of hotells. She was paying me hundreds of dollars everytime she rolled the dice. It was fantastic! I ended up winning (obviously) but a lot (again, obviously). It was fun, but i had forgotten how long it takes to finish one stinkin game of monopoly... that game lasted for about two and a half hours!

Okay that is all the rambling i can do for one night.
I'm too lazy to find a quote so i'll make it up right here, right now.
Actually, nevermind, i'll just leave you with two quotes from my dad from today.

Dad: Well i sure hope they finished this bridge (he says while driving over the bridge)

Dad: look, these eggs are from norco... Norco stinks... probably from all their chickens.

I hope you enjoyed that.
I'm actually feeling tired, maybe i'm exhausted from being overly competative for two and a half hours straight... but whatever.
Good night, my little puffins!
(no pic or quote today cuz im too damn lazy and it's too hard on this little laptop... sorry...)

Old friends and new problems

Life has been good lately, in fact it has been quite amazing... I was starting to believe that everything was done and that i had finally paid for my mistakes, but as usual- i was wrong.
Due to my forgetful behavior, i left my cell phone charger at my friends house and took my sweet time in retrieving my charger. My near-constant use of my cell phone wore the battery out and i was left with no cell phone for two days but i had oter things on my mind so it didn't matter that much. My friend was going to go on vacation so i had to work out some logistics in getting my charger back but eventually i did so and i came home and immediately plugged in my phone. After getting distracted for a few hours a cell phone commercial reminded me about my charging cell phone so i went into my room and turned it on. Three missed calls from an unknown number and a few texts from my friends and a few texts from an unknown numbe, and one voicemail from an unknown number. After listening to the first milisecond of the voicemail, i erased it and immediately turned off my cell in a panic... I don't need my past to haunt me and having these people call me definitley counts as being haunted... Since listening to the voicemail and seeing the texts, i've been getting increasingly paranoid becasue the main issue is that my current living address is unknown to them and i want to keep it that way. I've decided that when i get a new cell phone for my birthday, i am going to get a new number becasue i'm done with these people and i think this is the only way to stop this once and for all. I want to tell my friends but it wouldn't bring any good... For once i'm going to take care of something on my own and not be such a big baby about it. I was stupid, i made a mistake, i paid for it, and now i'm finished.

So besides that i've been working on a few different projects. First of all, i'm redecoratio9ng my room and the color theme is royal blue, black, and white. I want it to be mature and feminine and me. Second, I'm writing a song about everything that's happened, its about 1/6th done... and last, i'm giving myself a complete renovation. I want to change everything about me, so far i'
ve changed my hair and some of my wardrobe. I'm tired of the skinny jeans, band t-shirt, hoodie that i wear all the time. I'm done with the wanna-be-scene-kid thing becasue that's not me. It's who i wanted to be (hence the "wanna-be"). I'm going in a more boho whatev dire3ction. If it's colorful and pretty and not too tight, i'll weaar it. I'm starting to like wearing dresses more and more. I want to dye my hair but i don;t know what color yet, and i want to try new hair styles. Basically, i want to just recreate who i am becasue as corny as it sounds i'm in the middle of a soul crisis. I have nop idea who i am, who i want to be, and what i want to do with my life and i've got to start making a lot of important choices about my future soon so i think it best to start the road to self-discovery asap...

Well as part of that journey i've been looking at colleges and the number one (well... number one realistic cuz my true number one is Cornell but i'll never get into there...) is *drumroll*

yes the winner is CSUMB... i think i may have already written something about that though or i'm just having a weird case of amnesia.


I finally got up the guts to cement my safety date to my senior prom in case i'm too much of a loser to get a date, and like a day after that, me and my safety got into a big fight and i've been worried that my safety isn't so cemented anymore but he just texted me randomly today and acted like nothing had happeed so i am pretty dang confused but whatever...

I applied for a job at seven different places- SEVEN FREAKING PLACES!!- and not a single one has contacted me... am i just so horribly unemployable that they don't want me or is the economy just the bad... or maybe it's both... this really isn't helping because i need to start helping my parents with the bills and i've got to pay for summer camp that my friend wants me to go to because she didn't know anyone last year when she went so she didn't like to go to the mess hall by herself so she didn't eat i can't let her just starve herself again this year but it's a lot of money and i'm freaking out...

For the first time in a long time i'm actually getting into shape again, i'm bike riding a lot, i'm swimming in my pool a lot, and i've been pretty active. Even though i haven't gone to play tennis with my dad in a while, i still feel pretty in shape. BUt my parents have been on my case a lot lately about not eating enough and losing too much weight. I'm over weight and i need to lose some pounds so i don't see the harm in skipping a few meals and trimming down meal portions if its going to help me out in the long run. I'll admit that i am very scarede becasue my family has a huge medical history of diabetes and i sooooooo can't get diabetes... I love food too much.

I think i'm finally becoming cute becasue even when i don't really try with my hair or make-up, guys seems are checking me out and even though i get all red and embarassed i will admit that i take it as a compliment... I used to take an ego blow anytime i was with my friend becasue she is wayyyyy prettier then i could be even on my best of days, but now even when i'm out with her, i'm finally getting looks too. I don't want to seem like i'm an attention whpore or something but it's nice just to know that males find you attractive...

My sister is away on vacation with her best friend so i get to experience single chile life for a while, and it's pretty sweet. Even in the completely insane chance that i miss her, i can just text her so it'snot like she died. But i'm using this week as practice for when she goes away for college, becasue it's seriously going to be like i'm an only child but actually that thought kind of scares me becasue with her gone, ny parentsare going to focusing all their attention on me and i don't think i can handle something like that.

That's all the ridiculous crap i can think of writing, and i apologize for being horrible about updating becasue i think i've stopped being daily and have now become monthly... well it's not like anyone reads this thing anyways...


"If you're feeling low, don't despair. The sun has a sinking spell every night, but it comes back up every morning. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Dolly Parton, Singer, What's Love got to do with it


Bella Noche!
Sincerely,
the temporary only child

I have not even attempted to post even the most scanty and pitiful post in eons so I decided that I should take some time out of my busy schedule to sit down and recollect my thoughts and try to better myself with a bit of self-reflection. I'm writing this as I sit in my sixth period, while Mr. B is giving the freshies a lecture on fungi... yeah... Things have been so topsy turvy as of late. I can not recollect what I wrote in my last blog and this damn computer blocks any website with a blog so I can go and look at it so I’m just going to guess. Did I mention how I went to visit ASU??? Okay, so I went on a long trip with my father and sister to Arizona state university because she was really intent on going there and she had already gotten accepted- I think... The trip was fun but the car ride was torture, I just sat in the back and teetered the fine line between sleep and restlessness the entire time. There were not that many cute college boys but it didn't matter, because the entire time I was distracted because I was texting my friend/ ex-bf about his recent breakup with some hyper spazz girl that I never had much of a liking for. Since I was texting him and helping him entire time I was in ASU, I started to remember what it was about him that attracted me to him- his passion. It never ceases to amaze me at how passionate he is about everything, although I will admit that sometimes it gets a little annoying but when it comes to things like music, he passion is inspirational. I was really starting to fall for him again- and fall hard. I came home on the Sunday and bought Twilight on DVD and watched it with my sister. The following Monday I picked up my progress report because I had been on my trip when they were originally handed out. I opened the progress report and saw the scariest thing starting back at me. It was an F... my whole heart just sank... So I felt thing giant cloud descend upon me and it just countinued to grow as the day progressed because I knew that my parents would not be the least bit pleased with me. I was right- they took away my cell phone, they put me on probation, and a bunch of other horrible punishments as well. A few days later was April fools day... and un-known to me; it would be one of the most shocking days of my life thus far. My parents were being unusually quiet during dinner and I knew something was up the second they said they wanted to have a talk during dinner... "We have to move" my dad said gravely. "This is just a horrible April fool’s day joke, right?" "No" "oh" and I proceeded to lock myself in my room and cry. My house! It was my house and no one had the right to take it away from me. I didn’t blame my parents because I could see how much it hurt them to have to mover out of our house. My dad set the day that we would have to be out of the house and into a new apartment. It was three weeks away and everyday was a getting harder and harder to come to terms with the fact that things were about to change.

Wow… I totally wrote that a week ago but haven’t had time to finish it, so I’ll try to finish and post it today, so I see where I left off in my blog so I’ll just start from there because I think you get the big idea of what has been happening.

So far things have been less then smooth between me and Melissa; we’ve been hanging out and things are getting better but neither of us is ready to just forget the past yet. I think our biggest step towards becoming closer was the AP English literature and composition entrance exam because I had no ride to the school to take it so I had to spend the night at her house. It was like old times, we were just goofing around and eating chocolate and then we were complaining about how her dog’s incessant barking. And we have been hanging out most days after school whether it be at her house, Alyssa’s house or Sarah’s house. The biggest issue lately was my Spanish video project that took forever to film because I had the flakiest actors and I’m the craziest direction/ videographer/ editor/ script writer/ actor… so things got really intense and me and Melissa got into a very odd fight about food and other odd things so we didn’t talk to each other for around three or four days but then she had a concert coming up so I decided that we would just forget about it… and then it happened… me, Melissa, Sarah, and Alyssa were just hanging out and downtown Disney and due to some unfortunate events I was late for curfew… by forty minutes. My dad over-reacted and grounded me for two months. I put up one hell of a fight every time they tried to enforce it because in the end I had no reason to be blamed- it took forever to get on the tram, it took a while to get to Melissa’s car and we hit traffic. Do I have control over traffic??? NO, I DON’T!!! But whatever… I have been starting to lose my patience with my parents lately because they are overreacting to everything, they yell at me for everything, they nag me about everything, and they seem do be do9ing things with the pure intent of making me unhappy and it would be a flat out lie to say it isn’t working. A few nights ago I had a surge of anger with them and I was on the verge of just getting up and running away but my friend talked me out of it and that is when I came up with a plan, it’s not just a plan, it’s The plan…I have decided to use my resources for my advantage. I already have a bedroom set up in my grandparents house (it’s a long story why and I’ll save it for another day) and I know that they would be perfectly happy if I went to live with them, and after a quick discussion, my assumption was correct. I know it may seem evil but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, I am now using my escape to my grandparents’ house as blackmail over my parents. When they get to unbearable I just now have to mention something about moving into my grandparents’ house and they crumble into my hands. I swear not to abuse my new found power and will only make use of it when I feel that I am on the verge of having a mental breakdown, because I’ve had them before… it isn’t fun… SO my two month ground has now become a two week grounding which is ending after today.

Lately I’ve had a crap load of homework and assignments because it’s almost the end of the school year (yay!) so I’ve been under a bunch of stress (boo!) but jus this morning I took the ACT test at my school and last Saturday I took the SAT at Valley Christian high school, where I lost my i.d. card (sigh…) and to make matters worse, I have a fine left over from last semester of drumline so I couldn’t get my yearbook on Thursday but someone was going to call and defer the payment but they never did so I couldn’t get it Friday either… so I’m going to have to wait until Monday to get mine which really kind of sucks but I’m playing it off as not giving a crap…

My Spanish grade is now a solid ‘C’ YAY! So I get to keep my cell phone which means I get to upgrade to a new cell phone for my birthday. I’m uuber excited…

I’ve been making plans… great amazing plans… plans to go on the vaca of a lifetime… with my best friends… it’s going to be amazing so I pray to god that everything works out… it won’t take place until Christmas break but I can wait. It is just going to be me and my three hooligans… yay!

Oh but I do have some bad news to share, my grandmothers brother died a few weeks ago… I didn’t really know him but it hurts me to see my grandmother grieving. On a slightly more selfish note, I found out that the jaw surgery that my sister got last summer and that I was supposed to get this summer isn’t going to happen because the crack pot of an orthodontist that I have says that I’m not ready which means I’ll have to do it during the summer after my senior year which means that I have to waste most of the last summer I’ll ever have with my friends before our lives really start, by sitting in a hospital with a swollen face that will make me looking like a freaking chipmunk… I am not looking forward to that at all.

White walls. White walls. White walls… the entire apartment has white walls and we aren’t allowed to paint them, so I’m gong to just put up a crap load of posters and I’m going to re-theme my room is black/blue/ and magazine.“Sabrina… what could you possibly mean by magazine???”I’m glad you asked. Ever heard of decoupage, me neither, until my dad told me about it. You cut out pictures from magazines and you use a special glaze to make it stick to a flat surface… So I’m going to decoupage my dresser and a few other parts of my room and I’m gong to get new bed stuff, new curtains, and a new cover for the make-up table.

Although this apartment is ridiculously tiny, it has potential, maybe…

So my latest AP English class assignment was to research colleges and I did, and the five I chose to research (in order from reach school to fall back): Cornell University, Northern Michigan University, California state University of Monterey Bay, Eastern Washington University, and California State University of Fresno…

I don’t want to go to Cornell, I need to go to Cornell… but my GPA is not really as high as the usual but I will remain hopeful but right now the college that I’m 85% sure that I am going to attend is CSMB, which is very nice. My cousin went there for her freshmen year about two years ago and she had a good time and she learned a lot. I’m not sure what I want to major in yet so that really didn’t help in picking which colleges I wanted to look into because I’m still debating between becoming a cinematographer or a veterinarian… so I tried to choose colleges that offered both majors…

Okay, my hands are begging to feel the burn from typing so much so I think I’ll stop here… thank you for listening to me rant about my life…

OMG i almost forgot to mention my totally awesome new hair cut... yes, i got a totally awesome new hair cut, thanks for noticing!! Everyday i feel more and more like a scene kid, all i need is a vest, a head band, and more big worded t-shirts... I'm too harsh on my own people...

“Nature shows suck ass, though cobras are pretty sweet. Pretty much any animal that has a gang named after it is pretty bad ass. I would go for an animal combo, like a bear that carried a cobra -- total unstoppable force. Give that thing wings and humanity is f***ed.” - Pete Wentz

Catch you on the flip side...
- Sabrina <33

impacted

I should be happy.
Really.
But true to my most recent tradition:
I can’t be happy.
Something always happens.
My life is starting to feel like an episode of Rosalinda.
I’ll give you an overview of how things have been lately so you can understand why I am moping like a whiny child. I know it’s been a while since my last post but I’ll do my best to catch you up without going into any unnecessary rants.
Mel and I have been doing pretty good. We’ve been texting and hanging out. But she had to leave on Thursday (I think) to go to the Jazz Festival in Reno, Nevada. I have been hanging out with Sarah a ton lately. I went to her house on Wed before church, we went to the media in art room for lunch on Thursday, I hung out with her after school before going to the school play “Witness for the Prosecution” and then ended up spending the night at her house [along with Nikki and Alyssa] and then stayed over until noon on Saturday. Yeah, we hang out too much because I’m starting to talk like her more and more. After my dad picked me up from her house on Saturday, he took me to my grandparent’s house where I fell asleep for a few hours until it was time to go to a family party for some little kid named Carlos. I’m not exactly sure how I’m related to them but all that mattered was that family parties always result in one excellent thing, FOOD! Apparently I have a relative that goes to my high school that I had never met before so my grandma was adamant that she introduce us and make us become buddies so as soon as we get to the party my grandma finds Tommy and brings him over to my sister and I and introduces us. After saying hello, there was an awkward silence from all parties involved until it was time to grab some delicious food. I was very disappointed ion my family because I was under the belief that with so many Mexicans in one place, there was bound to be a taco lady and some bomb Mexican food but they had white people food- hamburgers and hotdogs. Really? We have to put up with white people all the time and eat their gross food; we should be able to have our own delicious cultural meals when we have family parties. But I ate my hamburger with as much joy as I could muster. After talking to various family members whose names I can never remember (but they always remember mine…) my grandpa wanted to leave so Amelia and I left with him. I hung out at my grandparent’s house for a while until my dad picked me up and I went home. I’m not sure what I did but I pulled various muscles all over my body and they were now killing me, so I downed some Advil and chilled on the couch for a while. I eventually talked my dad into watching Twilight because he had never seen it before. Everyone got situated on the couch and we started watching it, but not before Legally Blonde had ended on FX. My breath still gets taken away when you see Edward walk into the cafeteria for the first time. I was practically falling asleep from exhaustion so as soon as the movie ended, I went to my room and was out like a light. So that was last night… right? Okay so this morning I had to get up and do the whole morning routine (eat, get dressed, make-up, hair, etc.) and got in the car to go to school. Most of the way to school, my dad’s cell rang so I answered it for him since he was driving. It was my grandma. Her brother died last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Another death? So soon? Why? At school all I could think about was how close we all are to death and it really scared me. Today was fairly hazy because I was off in my own thoughts for most of it. Mel gave me a gift from her trip to Reno- a really pretty necklace that has a guitar on it. I came home and played around on my guitar, did some homework, and watched TV. I have things to do but today is just not a day to be doing things. I need to wallow in my own self insignificance and mortality for a few days before I can move on. This has incited a round of depression that I won’t soon forget. I need to go take some Advil…



Bye.

The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life.

Albert Einstein

Thngs will change for me

Yet again, Panic at the Disco says the words that I can never seem to find. I’m not going to go into detail about why that is relevant but I will tell you about this very… different… day. First period- slept. Second- took tests. Third- played pranks on a dumb kid. Fourth- drew doodles. Fifth- actually learned… sixth- ditched TA and went to hang out with my hommies in the drumline before they leave for finals in Dayton, Ohio tomorrow. So I was chillin' with my people, just talking about weird random things, (mostly about why Ryan B. looks like a squirrel if you squint your eyes and turn your head slightly to the left…) when my sister calls me over to her and hands me this red envelope.

“whats this?”

“something for you.”

“is it from you?”

“no.”

“who is it from?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“uh… okay” I said before stuffing it into my backpack.

So my mind was far away thinking about a billion other things when suddenly I remembered about the envelope. So I decided to talk to my friend and ask him if he knew about the envelopes origin. I told him about the situation, while TBIL was at his locker, and I kept an eye on TBIL to see if he was listening to my conversation and I saw him remove a green folder from his locker and put it in his backpack, shuffle around in his backpack, and put the green folder back into the locker. Suspicious much? Yes. After TBIL left, I focused more on what my friend was saying and realized that he seemed to know who it was from. After failed attempts to pull the name from him, he left when Sarah came to my locker. I immediately told her and she seemed just as clueless as I was. I opened the envelope and saw inside were two CD’s and two pieces of paper. My current theory was that it was my ex boyfriend because he had been acting suspicious lately. I tried to forget about it for a while as I chatted with Sarah and her friend about going to her friend’s church tomorrow night. I finally parted from them and walked alone in silence down the two blocks to the car. These thoughts that were ranging from bad to extreme were running through my head, what if it was my ex-boyfriend telling me that he hated me, what if it was one of my best friends blasting me, what if it was a creeper that had video taped me changing and wanted to send the tape to me. I was on the verge of breaking down from stress before I even reached the car. Upon getting into the back seat of the car, I begin badgering my sister and telling her that she needs to tell me who gave it to her, or I might just have a mental breakdown right then and there. She finally blurted out who it was from. I sat motionless in the backseat. Was I hearing correctly? Did she really just say that it was her? Why did she want to talk to me? Had I some how made things even worse? Had I fucked up everything more then before? I was already mentally preparing myself for the worst. The entire drive home, I was dead silent. As soon as we parked in the driveway, I slowy got out of the car, walked to the computer room and put the DVD in the disk drive. I sat down and watched what lay in store for me.

It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. She wrote a song called dear friend and she put it to a slideshow of all the pictures that we have taken over the years. I was crying, and for the first time in a very very long time, they weren’t tears of sorrow. When the song and slideshow ended, I became silent again. What am I supposed to do now? Does she even want me to do anything? All these questions are flying around my head and I have no clue what to do. I have homework and I’m going out to dinner with some family friends tonight, so I can’t stay here and collect my thoughts. Maybe I’ll take my notebook with me and just write what comes to my head.

I guess I’ll keep you updated on what unravels. Oh and a quick question to the follower guy (I only have one, so you know who you are…) do I know you? I mean, its totally cool if I don’t know you but I just want to make sure that I’m not telling my personal stuff to someone who actually knows who these people are that I’m talking about.

But anyways... places to go, people to see, things to think, and calming breaths to breathe.

This is the happy place that I escape to in my mind. You really should come visit when ever you have the time. There isn't candy, rainbows, or any of that stuff. It's almost like the real world, just minus the hate and... everybody else. In my happy place, I’m usually by myself, just sitting under the many trees. You're welcome to come and take a seat in the shade next to me. Bring your favorite book because nothing beats the comfortable silence that fills my happy place when I read a wonderful book. When I need to collect my thoughts, I take a notebook with me to the happy place and that comfortable silence is filled with the quaint sound of pen scratching ink onto paper. Your welcome to gave a notebook and share some of your writings with me under the trees that shade me from so much more then the sun. Sometimes when I need to calm down, I take nothing with me to the quiet place, and the comfortable silence is once again in place and I stare out into the jungle and just think about how much greater all that creation is then I. You are welcome to come and relax with me under these great protectors that have an age beyond that of numbers. Next time I take a trip to my happy place, I’ll be sitting and hoping that I will see you coming out of the flora and perch next to me. We don't need to talk. We don't need to fill the silence because ultimately- it’s the lack of any sound that draws me to it. We don't need to set a time for when we arrive or when we leave because in the happy place, time is useless. No wants exist in the happy place beyond the want to never leave. No needs exist in the happy place because what more could be of want in a place of pure perfection? So next time you feel the need to escape to a place where you can find solace, peace, love, and creativity, come visit me in the happy place. Even if I’m not there, my happy place is always open to you as a sanctuary from life. My happy place does change, but only because I have changed. I love my happy place because it is me. It is the me I was. It is the me I am. It is the me I will be. It is the me I hope to be. I wish I could live in the happy place...

Oh god. I should have left twenty mins ago but i just started writing a poem and couldn't stop... ugh.

okay, I'm serious this time.

bye.

echo

I was laughing when I discovered that my now empty computer room has an echo now, but then I stopped. The symbolism is killing me… This house is becoming so reflective of me. It was so full and now it’s empty and the old is being throw away and new things are being bought, and we’re starting over in a new place with new walls, with new doors, with new everything. I was really miserable, then I was in denial, then I was angry, and now… now I’m numb to the whole moving thing. Someone very close to me gave me the best advice I’ve received all year and that was, “the great memories you had at your house, well, it wasn’t the house that made the memories, it was the people and as long as you still have the memories then you still have the home in your heart.” Maybe whoever came up with that ‘home is where the heart is’ line wasn’t as cheesy as I had previously thought. Now that I’m aware of how soon we’re moving, I’ve realized something very important- I haven’t packed anything, aside from the posters on the wall and some of my various journals and notebooks. The procrastinator in me is at full power. On Friday night around midnight and I’m sure even until the moving trucks come, I’m still going to be throwing all my shit into boxes. A big reason I hate moving- I always forget what boxes have what stuff in them, so knowing how much of a bitch life really is, as soon as all my boxes are taped up and in the truck, I’m going to need something and I will have absolutely no idea where it is. That is going to suck.

Oh I almost forgot- I hope everyone had an enjoyable Easter. I had a good one. I somehow stretched out getting ready for like five hours and then I went to church. My dad thought it would be funny to go to the mass that was entirely en espanol… yeah… I was so confused. I may be in Spanish 4 but I seriously know around maybe 50 to like 60 words and that really isn’t enough to have a very in depth conversation with anyone. I’m actually pretty good at understanding people but responding is where I get a little messed up.

Today was the the first day of school after returning from spring break, so naturally everyone was really out of it and only wanted to go back home and have a longer break. I was pretty lucky since I was able to avoid receiving any spring break homework in any of my classes but since I was so lucky during break, I already received a ton of homework for tonight. Oh what I would do to just have it be summer break already…

My spring break was… boring. I moped around a lot and allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for a few days, and on Friday I went with my cousin and my grandpa and saw the Hannah Montana movie which I personally thought was pretty good. The main guy looks a lot cuter in the movie then he does in the poster I have of him… On Saturday, I went with Sarah and Angie (and my parents L ) to see my sister perform her drumline show at the SCPA final in Temecula. It was a pretty long car ride but me and Sarah were talking or listening to music the whole time there and me and Angie were writing notes back and forth the entire way back. On Sunday, I got up, took five hours to get ready, went to mass en espanol, and then went to my Grandparents house for an Easter party. We had steak, but honestly meat makes me feel sick. (I’ll leave me meat consumption rant for another time) Then we had an egg hunt. I’ve never claimed to be a good egg hunter, so needless to say- I lost… even to my sixth grade cousin… I had this sudden wave of depression come on closer to the end of the party so I retreated to my bedroom (for clarification: yes, I have two bedrooms, one at my house and one at my grandparents house) and cried on my bed for a while until they finally noticed my absence from their happy little group and sent my cousin to find me. I lied to her about having a headache so that she wouldn’t start to question why I was crying. They left me alone for a while but eventually my grandma came and gave me another talk about trying to be happy. I love my grandma to death, I really do, but they just don’t understand that when I’m in my depression moods, I am incapable of just pulling myself out of them, because it’s an involuntary thing. I don’t control the moods, they control me. Upon returning home, I laid on my bed, still wearing my dress and leggings and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about how things could be worse. My parents came into my room to ask me to start packing but they suddenly become all… weird and fake… with these really creepy smiles because I guess they figured what type of mood I was in. I hate when they do that because it just makes me feel like I’m a mental case. Yes, I acknowledge that I have mental issues but they need to really learn how to deal with me… oh god. I’m making myself out to sound like I’m talking about some sort of weird skin disease or something that people just need to “deal with.”

I was just not in the mood for dealing with people at school today so I was extra quiet in all my classes today. I can list the only people I spoke to today: Nikki, Heidi, Sarah, Angie, and Amelia. Today was more of a written words day. Sometimes I just can not put my thoughts into actual words that come out of my mouth because I doubt their importance but whenever I take the time to write things out, their importance always seems to rise up immensely. I’ve really been itching to write a short story or a new poem lately but every time I get a chance, something comes up.

I’ve decided that there are something’s that I do not want to go into detail about but I want to write them down, so I’m going to keep it simple and bullet point the main ideas:

- I have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend (again…)

- My self-hate has been flaring up again lately

- I’m so confused by how TBIL has been acting

- It still hurts me when I see him and his little arm candy (but it hurts less then before…)

- I miss my cyber stalker… (I can’t help that I liked the attention…)

- I’ve come up with a new way to lose weight (I’m only allowing myself to eat breakfast and lunch. No dinner or snacks.)

Okay, I think that wraps up what has been on my mind lately. Thanks for sticking around and actually reading all my ramblings…

Pete Wentz is my hero.

He doesn't know me but

he understands me better

then my own family ever

has or ever will...

I need to go and finish my homework...

p.s.

My total favorite band of the month!!

My fave song is 'Black Cat'

sorry... I'm like picture obsessed today...