Sorry...

I haven’t posted in a good long while, mainly because life has become so very hectic. Actually, that a fairly blatant lie because I’ve had tons of free time, I’m just so ridiculously lazy. I just started getting an insane hand cramp so this entry is going to be short.

I’m in love. He knows I exist, but nothing has yet to happen. I got a class with him this year, but we don’t sit near each other, except for a stupid game we sometimes play, but I got voted off the game so I will no longer be sitting by him. We’re so similar, that it’s a tad freaky. He likes some girl, but I don’t have a clue about who it is, and I know it isn’t me. For a while I was able to give myself the confidence boost of believing that maybe it was be, but I can’t keep fooling myself. He’s cute, smart, funny, and chill, he could have ANY girl, so he wouldn’t settle for the ugly socially awkward creeper…

I hadn’t had any bad bouts of depression lately, but it hit me today like a ton of bricks. I thought that it might have something to do with the weather, but then I remembered that I love this dark rainy weather. I just wrote this poem today after school:

Hello there,
Long time no see
I can tell that you’ve been working out
Because you’re much stronger then before
Maybe it’s my fault
I allowed myself to forget the pain
I can never forget that I’m being punished
You’re no longer something to “overcome”
You’re something to “endure”
I feel that I must warn you,
My support system is growing
Your days are numbered
Your time is limited
I am trying to be stronger
Better
Truer
Calmer
I have cheerleaders and role models
They keep me on my new path.
I’m defined by many words
Girl.
Dork.
Comedian.
Lazy.
Smart.
Sarcastic.
Stubborn.
Determined.
Adventurous.
Loud.
Quiet.
Depression is not one of them

I think that’s the best way to describe my current view on my depression. It’s hard to explain but I think it comes across fairly well though that context.

Things are different. My sister has gone away to college. I’ve taken big steps in my relationship with God, as in joining Christian club and attending youth church on Tuesday nights. It’s weird having the apartment to myself more often. I usually nap, text, or do homework, but it’s still weird. I’ve visited my sister once since she went to college, apparently she joined an ultimate Frisbee team… She seems so happy but I miss her like crazy. I do text almost everyday thought, but it’s just not the same as having her home. I’ve just delved into the entire college application process, and I’m so scared but at the same time fairly confident because of my good SAT score and ACT score. I’m slightly upset but my parents told me that they will not be allowing me to apply for my dream college, Cornell University because my grades are not up to par for them, and they think the application cost is too high.
I miss certain people a lot right now, but I think the biggest change has been the “temporary” drop of certain connections. Doesn’t it suck how what’s for best is never the easy or fun thing to do?

My hand is killing me… that’s all I can think of to post.

Bye.



Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown


Love,
S.