owch...

I’ve had a pretty awesome time since my last post except for a few bumps… like Alyssa’s car not starting, losing the make-up I bought as Sephora, and some other things… but in the end it was fine. I spent the night at Melissa’s house and spent today with her going to Panda Express, Ulta and then to Sam Ash and then to Alyssa’s house where she gave me my Sephora make-up that I had accidentally left in her car. We watched an episode of Lie to Me; I’m so addicted to that show now! The weirdest thing that happened was when we started talking about our experiences kissing and Mel asked me the most unexpected question: did he ever kiss me… Needless to say, I was caught off guard. I stuttered out an answer before switching the subject as quickly as possible. She noticed. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable telling her about it, okay maybe I am kinda of uncomfortable, but I just want to forget about it, regardless of how much it seems like the universe disagrees with me… I mean maybe as horrible and just plain wrong it seems, I’m meant to be with him… because life is like a fucking circle for me because even when I go off and do something, no matter what, I always end up in the same place with the same person and I’ll admit it her but no where else, I love the predictability… but at the same time I hate it because no matter how hard I want to get away, I end up in the same fucking place… I’m just sixteen (soon to be 17), I’m too young to have found the one, especially if that one was born a decade before me! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to believe… I swear to god my life feels like a soap opera… I need a vacation! I'm going to try to get my mind off it by talking about how I’ve figured out that I want to play the banjo! I saw one at Sam Ash and I’ve been thinking about it for a while… I just really really want one! Okay, I want to go lay down because I gave myself I headache… sigh

Is love
supposed
to hurt
this much?






tot ziens

Sincerely,
Sabrina

pondering...

I now have a fear of answering my cell or reading new text messages. They are all from the same person. They are from the same creepy overbearing angry person. I don’t want to write about that but I thought I should just get it out there just in case I get I’m found dead or missing, people will know where to start looking. Well I’m not afraid that he’ll kill me, I’m just afraid that he’ll do something completely irrational and stupid and thoughtless and impulsive!

There have been few updates since my last post but I guess I’ll list them out.

My sister came back from her vacation and took her laptop back so I’m writing this on the computer. No one is home right now because Amelia went with her friend to the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I would have gone but I don’t really like the Harry Potter movies, they seem a tad over dramatic to me.

Yesterday I went and took my senior portrait pictures for the yearbook, which was... an experience. I had to wear this ridiculous long sleeve black shirt that I was practically melting in because it’s been so damn hot lately. I was completely self-0conscious the entire time because I knew who was gonna be their at the same time as me... and I think he knew it too. My... hmmm, I actually don’t know what he is to me, a friend? No... an acquaintance? No... Well whatever he is, he was there for his portrait and things were so awkward.... oh. so. Awkward. He never got out of his car while I was there. He just sat there and when I came out of the photography place, he waved a very awkward wave and I didn’t know what to do in return so I did nothing... yeah... I just couldn’t process thought due to my nerves. I was texting my friend non-stop to give her a play-by-play of the events as they were occurring. Our current theory is that he does like me even though he doesn’t really know me but he understands that I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m quite the opposite and he can sympathize because he isn’t the most mentally stable individual either.

My dad is going to come back home soon so I better wrap this up.

-going to downtown Disney tonight with my chums

-went swimming and hung out with my fried that I hadn’t seen in forever (only like 3 weeks)

-have actually been sleeping better (because I’ve actually been sleeping!)

-finally got info about paying for church camp because I’m too poor to pay it myself so I need a scholarship.

-I really want to make a music video but I don’t know of what but it’s probably going to feature my little blonde musician friend...

Okay... that’s all I can think of.

Auf Wiedersehen

-sabrina

third night in a row, woo!

This is the third night in a row? really? wow... it seems like it's been longer. I regret to inform you that my sister will be back home tomorrow so i will no longer be able to use her lap top which will only leave the computers which are out in the open in the living room hence making it harder to achieve privacy when typing up about my life! (were you able to follow that??? because i even got a little confused...) Here i'll dumb it down- no more lap top = back to my complete inconistancy in posting... but no one reads this so it doesn't even matter...

Anyways, today was pretty nice. I woke up around noon, ate, played guitar for three hours, went and got some sushi with my dad, watched some stuff on the computer, started watching hell boy 2, was wating to watch the rest of it with my dad but got impatient and started playing games at addictinggames.com, got bored of that, went on the other computer and played some more gamees, and then played sims 2 for a few hours. I know that it was really pathtic to waste my entire day in front of the computer but i needed just a vegg out day becasue life has been getting a little frustrating latelyt and this was a well deserved break. Tomorrow is going to be hell becasue i have to spend hours trying to make my mother co-exist with this little thing called technology. I need to help her set up her cell phone, and fix her face book. yes... my mother has a facebook, i'm just as scared as you are... But me and my sister already made a pact that we are not going to accept her as a friend on facebook because that's just really really really weird! I am so notlooking forward to tomorrow. On monday i'm being shipped off to my grandparents house for the day which is perfectly fine by me because i love them but it can get a little boring over there... on tuesday i have to go take my senior portraits for the yearbook. I am so angry that the picture iws so soon because i am not ready! I have a scar on my cheek and i'm completely broken out! This isn't how i want top be remembered in my yearbook for my senior year of highschool!

Okay, for the first time in weeks, i'm actually tired enough to fall asleep quickly so i'm gonna cash in on this while i can.
sorry but i don't wanna go find a quote so i'll just put what my sister texted me today after i asked for slightly belated permission to use her laptop:

Me: "Can I use your laptop? i just wanna look up guitar tabs and stuff."
My sister: "I take it that me not replying counted as a yes you can. just don't screw with it or they wont ever find your bones"

... my sister... she's a charmer, alright...

goodnight!!! <333
Sincerely,
TU MADRE!

(hmmm, don't ask...)

Up and Down Merry-go-round

Things have gone topsy turvy very quickly and very mysteriously... The people i hate are suddenly my best friends again, the people who are my best friends have been m.i.a. lately and the people who don't care about me are suddenly interested. And aside from all that, i just had a near mental breakdown today because the reality of college costs just smacked me right in th face. Did you know that every year of college becomes more expensive because every year there are less and less ways that scholarships and grants and such can be attained, so if my freshmen year is going to be so effing difficult to pay for, thinking of the next years where i won't have nearly the same amount of financhial aide is killing me. I have no source of income, no one will hire me, i depend upon my parents and neither of my parents ever graduated college so they both have crappy dead end jobs that don't pay nearly the amount of money that is necessasary to put two girls though college because next year after i finish my senior year it wwill be both my sister and I going to college full time... I'm doomed to a life of payingoff student loans! As extreme as it seems, i think my only real option is to join up and have uncle sam pay for my college education. My entire family would throw histerics if they knew my plans for after high school... I want to join up. Actually, that is not true, i don't want to join up, i NEED to join up becasue i can't let my parents spend what little money they make on my college. My parrents need to keep their money so they can move away from this crappy apartment in this shitty neighborhood. I apologize for the rant but college tuition is going to be the death of me, seriously.

Other news, i think my friend is mad at me becasue i flaked on her but I'm fairly angry at her for getting upset with me because she is the biggest flake i have ever met. How can she not see that she is the pot and i'm the kettle in this situation?!?!?!?! What sucks even worse is that the way she acts and has the moral ridgity of a saint, makes it hard to be angry at her becasue she just makes everything just... ugh, i don't even know how to describe it. I haven't really seen her much since school got out for summer break and in all honesty, i'm slightly glad. I love her to death but i needed a break. I know her intentions are good but when i'm aound her i always feel like i have to be this person who is different then who i realy am and i've grow so tired of being fake. But thanks to her ability to make me feel guilty, i;d never be able to tell her. God, boys have it so fucking easy. Girls have all the problems, while boys just get to float though life with no real worries...

Well to end this post i think i'll tell you about the four awesome things that have been happening lately. First, My sister went with her friend to some lake so i get to experience only child life for a week and since she was going to a lake, it seemed dangerous for her to bring her new laptop along so i've been using it lately (i'm using it to write this actually) and i'm seriously falling ijn love with this little thing, i think it's a netbook or something. It'slike if a lap top had a baby! Second, due to my sisters absence, i've been spending quality time with my dad. We went and saw transformers two days ago, Wolverine yesterday, and Monsters vs. Aliens today. Out of my two parents i have a better relationship with my dad becasue he is calm, cool, and doesn't have the tendency to overreact to everything the same way my mother does... Third, i finally got around to adding some decorations to my room. I put up the black and clear stickers of the new york skyline and i got rid of some of the tacky stuff that was taking up space. I'm going to flip bopth my sisters comforter and mind becasue the undcerside is close to the room color theme i'm going for. I took down some of the posters in my room and i'm probably going to take down the Jonas Brothers one soon becasue I could have sworn that i saw kevin move his head towards me a few nights ago... Fourth and final, I just palyed Monopoly: The Simpsons with my mom and i was doing pretty well, then i was practically broke (i had like three bucks left) and then my amazing luck kicked in and in the end i owned almost every property and had a bunch of hotells. She was paying me hundreds of dollars everytime she rolled the dice. It was fantastic! I ended up winning (obviously) but a lot (again, obviously). It was fun, but i had forgotten how long it takes to finish one stinkin game of monopoly... that game lasted for about two and a half hours!

Okay that is all the rambling i can do for one night.
I'm too lazy to find a quote so i'll make it up right here, right now.
Actually, nevermind, i'll just leave you with two quotes from my dad from today.

Dad: Well i sure hope they finished this bridge (he says while driving over the bridge)

Dad: look, these eggs are from norco... Norco stinks... probably from all their chickens.

I hope you enjoyed that.
I'm actually feeling tired, maybe i'm exhausted from being overly competative for two and a half hours straight... but whatever.
Good night, my little puffins!
(no pic or quote today cuz im too damn lazy and it's too hard on this little laptop... sorry...)

Old friends and new problems

Life has been good lately, in fact it has been quite amazing... I was starting to believe that everything was done and that i had finally paid for my mistakes, but as usual- i was wrong.
Due to my forgetful behavior, i left my cell phone charger at my friends house and took my sweet time in retrieving my charger. My near-constant use of my cell phone wore the battery out and i was left with no cell phone for two days but i had oter things on my mind so it didn't matter that much. My friend was going to go on vacation so i had to work out some logistics in getting my charger back but eventually i did so and i came home and immediately plugged in my phone. After getting distracted for a few hours a cell phone commercial reminded me about my charging cell phone so i went into my room and turned it on. Three missed calls from an unknown number and a few texts from my friends and a few texts from an unknown numbe, and one voicemail from an unknown number. After listening to the first milisecond of the voicemail, i erased it and immediately turned off my cell in a panic... I don't need my past to haunt me and having these people call me definitley counts as being haunted... Since listening to the voicemail and seeing the texts, i've been getting increasingly paranoid becasue the main issue is that my current living address is unknown to them and i want to keep it that way. I've decided that when i get a new cell phone for my birthday, i am going to get a new number becasue i'm done with these people and i think this is the only way to stop this once and for all. I want to tell my friends but it wouldn't bring any good... For once i'm going to take care of something on my own and not be such a big baby about it. I was stupid, i made a mistake, i paid for it, and now i'm finished.

So besides that i've been working on a few different projects. First of all, i'm redecoratio9ng my room and the color theme is royal blue, black, and white. I want it to be mature and feminine and me. Second, I'm writing a song about everything that's happened, its about 1/6th done... and last, i'm giving myself a complete renovation. I want to change everything about me, so far i'
ve changed my hair and some of my wardrobe. I'm tired of the skinny jeans, band t-shirt, hoodie that i wear all the time. I'm done with the wanna-be-scene-kid thing becasue that's not me. It's who i wanted to be (hence the "wanna-be"). I'm going in a more boho whatev dire3ction. If it's colorful and pretty and not too tight, i'll weaar it. I'm starting to like wearing dresses more and more. I want to dye my hair but i don;t know what color yet, and i want to try new hair styles. Basically, i want to just recreate who i am becasue as corny as it sounds i'm in the middle of a soul crisis. I have nop idea who i am, who i want to be, and what i want to do with my life and i've got to start making a lot of important choices about my future soon so i think it best to start the road to self-discovery asap...

Well as part of that journey i've been looking at colleges and the number one (well... number one realistic cuz my true number one is Cornell but i'll never get into there...) is *drumroll*

yes the winner is CSUMB... i think i may have already written something about that though or i'm just having a weird case of amnesia.


I finally got up the guts to cement my safety date to my senior prom in case i'm too much of a loser to get a date, and like a day after that, me and my safety got into a big fight and i've been worried that my safety isn't so cemented anymore but he just texted me randomly today and acted like nothing had happeed so i am pretty dang confused but whatever...

I applied for a job at seven different places- SEVEN FREAKING PLACES!!- and not a single one has contacted me... am i just so horribly unemployable that they don't want me or is the economy just the bad... or maybe it's both... this really isn't helping because i need to start helping my parents with the bills and i've got to pay for summer camp that my friend wants me to go to because she didn't know anyone last year when she went so she didn't like to go to the mess hall by herself so she didn't eat i can't let her just starve herself again this year but it's a lot of money and i'm freaking out...

For the first time in a long time i'm actually getting into shape again, i'm bike riding a lot, i'm swimming in my pool a lot, and i've been pretty active. Even though i haven't gone to play tennis with my dad in a while, i still feel pretty in shape. BUt my parents have been on my case a lot lately about not eating enough and losing too much weight. I'm over weight and i need to lose some pounds so i don't see the harm in skipping a few meals and trimming down meal portions if its going to help me out in the long run. I'll admit that i am very scarede becasue my family has a huge medical history of diabetes and i sooooooo can't get diabetes... I love food too much.

I think i'm finally becoming cute becasue even when i don't really try with my hair or make-up, guys seems are checking me out and even though i get all red and embarassed i will admit that i take it as a compliment... I used to take an ego blow anytime i was with my friend becasue she is wayyyyy prettier then i could be even on my best of days, but now even when i'm out with her, i'm finally getting looks too. I don't want to seem like i'm an attention whpore or something but it's nice just to know that males find you attractive...

My sister is away on vacation with her best friend so i get to experience single chile life for a while, and it's pretty sweet. Even in the completely insane chance that i miss her, i can just text her so it'snot like she died. But i'm using this week as practice for when she goes away for college, becasue it's seriously going to be like i'm an only child but actually that thought kind of scares me becasue with her gone, ny parentsare going to focusing all their attention on me and i don't think i can handle something like that.

That's all the ridiculous crap i can think of writing, and i apologize for being horrible about updating becasue i think i've stopped being daily and have now become monthly... well it's not like anyone reads this thing anyways...


"If you're feeling low, don't despair. The sun has a sinking spell every night, but it comes back up every morning. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Dolly Parton, Singer, What's Love got to do with it


Bella Noche!
Sincerely,
the temporary only child