free moment

Things were getting a little hectic at school right before christmas break. My english class was starting to be awfully taxing and time consuming with two shakespeare plays I had to read and analyze. As a class we all had to read The Tempest, and then for our other play we got to chose between King Henrey VIII, The Merchant of Venice, Twelth Night, and one more that i can't recall. Most people chose Twelfth Night because of that Amanda Bynes movie, She's the Man. Then every one else were pretty evenly split between King Henry and the play I can't remember. So the smallest group was for Merchant of Venice and consisted of myself and my best friend. This gorgeous boy that's in my class wasn't there when the class chose their plays so the next day he offered to be in our Merchant of Venice group. Me and Melissa were both very very excited. At the start of the assignment he seemed to be doing most of the work which was surprising. Melissa and I had a study day at my house to do the work for the play but we ended up spending most of the time shopping for prom dresses online. I ended up just grabbing some pre written stuff online for the questions i was assigned. I had continuously put off reading the actual play, but eventually the day where we would be questioned in panel fashion by my english teacher to gauge our analytical understanding of the play. Using what little i picked up from copying answers online and what melissa had sumed up for me, I was able to brilliantly BS my way through the questioning. My teacher praised my insightful and brilliant answers while melissa gave me death glares for outdoing her without having read a single page of the play.
Annatomy has been a pain in the keister lately because we had to form groups and present different chapters for the chapter review before the semester final. Since i was sick, i wasn't much help to my group and i was dreading presenting in front of the class because i had absolutely no voice and Mr.Mayo said he was going to be merciless in taking off points during the presentation. Luckily the presentations were taking longer then expected so my group isn't going to present until after the break. So hopefully this damn cold will be gone and i will have my voice back.
My dad jusr came home so i'm going to call it quits. I doubt i'll post tonight because i have a christmas party at my grandma's house and i doubt i'll post tomorrw since it will be christmas... so, have a merry christmas.

beat the damn system

I finally figured out how to beat the system when it comes to posting a blog update from my cell. (i'm excited!) So now that i can post i'll talk about what i wrote about a couple days ago when my blog rudely woyldn't post. I'll start by talkin' about my grades... they're alright, nothin' to brag about. I currently have a 3.10 that consists of two A's, two B's, and two C+'s. One would think that i'm lazy because one of my A's is in my aerobics class but the other A is in my AP english lit class, so suck it trick! My C's are in anatomy (which such a hard class) and government (which i have to admit i only have a C in cuz i don't do a single fuckin' assignment because it's such a retarded class). So my B's are then clearly the only two classes i haven't mentioned- video production and Finite. So I think in my last long post I said something about liking video class, well scratch that cuz Mr.S pulled my segment... AGAIN! I try so hard and he never lets it air. I'm officially over that whole fucimg class and vow not to do another single assignmet for that class for the rest of the semester, which is when my schedual changes and i get to drop tha god forsaken class.
I'm still sick which really bites because i've been trapped in th house with my sister but at least it's better ten being at school while sick like i was all of last week. I finished christmas shopping. i'll write morw tomorrow cuz i'm tired. G'night!

as usual

As usual, everytime I try to post, it either doesn't post or someone interrupts my writing process. I wrote a great entry two nights ago but it wouldn't work and everytime i've tried to post since, i've been interrupted. I wish i could remember the post from two nights ago but i just can't and my cold is making my head hurt so i'm gonna just throw in the towel and try to post something worth reading tomorrow.

nyquil...

I just downed some nyquil so i better make this quick before i pass out.
so basically TBIL is in love with a girl in his artclass. as to be expected, my heart hurts but i'm still not going to give up because i'm still showing him the little things that make us so perfect. i'm obsessed. i'm disgustingly obsessed with him and it disgusts even me. i need to move on but my attempts always fail...
anyways, i went with my friends to san diego on saturday. we walked around the downtown area in the cold and rain for half an hour tryin to find a freaking starbucks. so i've come down with a pretty horrible cold/sore throat due to our stupid voyage. and my cell phones gps almost got us lost numberous times... we weren't happy campers on the ride home...
so since this is the last week of school before winterbreak i've been having all the midterms in my classes. for engish class we had to be in groups and read a shakespeare play. my friend and i chose the merchant of venice and happened to end up being put in a group with this gorgeous boy. so today we had to be in 'panels' and my english teacher would ask various group members different literary analysis questions to gauge their understanding of the book and to decide individual grades. so being the natural 'overachiever' that i am, i never read the play and hd it summarized for me by my friend the night before, but my teacher continuously praied my responses to his analysis questions and called them intelligent and insightful. melissa was prettyupset that i did better then her and hadn't even read the play but i thought it was hilarious. i took my governmet test yesterday, and i'll probably get a c or b. i took my math midterm today and it was sooooooooo easy. i finished up my project for video class which i've actually enjoyed tge past few days be ause i've gotten to the aspect that i love which is doing it all myself. i filmed, created, uploaded, and edited it all by myself.
okay i have more to say but the nyquil is really getting to me. goodnight!

In depth

Okay so i wrote a really bomb post last night my it wouldn't post and i'm sure i won't be as eloquent as i was then but I'll attempt to write it again.

The main issue of yesterday revolved around the life lesson I received from my sixth period government. To put it simply, the lesson was that idiots with charisma are always going to beat quiet people of intelligence and actual substance. I learned this because of a faux-presidential election that had the classroom divided into several groups that created their own political party, nominated a candidate from within the assigned groups, and present a power point presentation to basically sell your candidate to the class. I didn’t really know my group members terribly well, one is a very quiet shy girl, a funny and nice smart girl, and this emo kid who has the worlds tightest pants… so being the overachiever I am when it comes to big projects, I wanted to make this a huge thing with posters and give-away-items and a funny video, but that wasn’t what they had in mind. They wanted to just dgaf the whole thing… I was kind of bummed but went along with it for a while until I couldn’t hold back and let my overachiever side come out. I made a bag, bought candy, made a political song by changing the lyrics of Hey Jude to fit the whole campaign, and made a short video commercial advertisement… I worked with the girls on our political party’s platform and came up with very intelligent ideas, that would work pretty well if it were actually to be used in the actual government. Then the day to present the candidates was yesterday and the day before. I’ve come to expect from high schoolers a certain lack of the ‘boom’ factor, so I was confident in our party’s success, but I was proven wrong. There was definite pizzazz in the campaigns. Then I started to realize something the class seemed to be blind to, the campaigns we’re poorly thought out and would have had many flaws if it were to be used… One candidate had his party all wear suits, the other told bad jokes, another wore suits and sunglasses because they were “serious”, another used the candidates ‘cutesy’ factor shamelessly, and another used crude humor, and the last was just overall confusing and stupid. My group was the only one not putting up some façade to blind the people… but the ‘fat funny kid’ won. The ‘fat funny kid’ always wins. Was I the only person to see that there is no way to both cut taxes and increase government funding for government sponsored programs & services? I wouldn’t have been so wound up if it weren’t for the fact that his closing selling point in the thirty seconds each candidate had to emphasize their ability to take office, was to rudely and harshly slam his opponents one by one. I wanted to claw his face off. How dare he slam my group that used its brain rather then a fucking platypus shirt and brazen slander to appeal to the audience. But I don’t blame him alone; I believe the class shares in the blame for having voted for the ignorant ass. Don’t think me petty enough to be this angry just because my group lost, because I never forgot that It’s just for my government class, I’m angry because it’s not just my sixth period that has fallen for the charisma of an oaf, it’s happened all over the world. How can people be so stupid as to let a little razzle dazzle distract them from the truth? I have never had much faith in my generation but what hope was left has been undeniably crushed. I’m so sorry that my generation will be the last because it’s stupidity will lead to the eventual ending of mankind. So to answer the question from my previous post, yes, the end is near… and it’s my generation’s fault.

I guess I will now tell about the recent mishaps of my love life…I got a great boyfriend who was into all the same things as me and had all the same views on society as I do… things were just fantastic and happy… then it all came apart. The boy that claimed to be ‘straight-edge’ and just as ‘anti-drug’ as I am, turned out to be not only a user but a dealer as well. He then had the audacity to be angry with me for not being ‘cool with it’ and for not ‘understanding his situation.’ He called me many un-kind names and kept repeating that I have a god-complex and think I’m better then everyone else and then informed me that I’m not a moral person, I’m in fact a preach bitch with a stick up her ass. Needless to say, that relationship ended. I want to be his friend and help him stop the bad things he is doing but he isn’t going to turn to me or listen to me… and everyone around me is telling me I’m too young to help him and that I shouldn’t take his problems onto my shoulders, but that’s just bullshit because I think the existence of humanity has something to do with helping one another and sharing burdens. Age is not an excuse to give up on someone in need… I won’t give up on him, I may not be in love with him but I do have a love for him like a sibling or parent, and I want what is best for him, so I’m going to continue putting up with the crap because I’m not going to let him sink. I don’t know if a depression attack is anything like feeling like you’re at rock bottom due to drugs but if it is, I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel that pain, because it’s horrible. I have nightmares about the pain… It’s a dark that doesn’t leave, and whisper that won’t silence, a cut that keeps bleeding, a storm that won’t clear until one comes to the two final choices, suicide or rising above. There is no real way to describe that world shattering feeling and I don’t want to describe it perfectly even if I could because it’s not something to be explained. He may have faults but he doesn’t deserve to ever have to consider suicide as a solution to his problems.

College applications have been the only thing my parents have been concerned with for the past two weeks. I had applied to two schools I didn’t really care for almost the day after applications were allowed to be filled out, but the schools that I actually want to attend were sent in the day before the deadline because they were last minute suggestions that turned out to be just what I wanted. After much negotiation, I was allowed to apply to Monterey and may attend there if I’m accepted only if I’m rejected from both Cal Poly Pomona and CSU Humboldt. I don’t see my chances for getting into CPP being great but I don’t really want to go there so I don’t care, but I’m pretty sure that I’ll get into both Humboldt and Monterey, but I really hope I get rejected from Humboldt so I can go to the school I have been wanting to attend.

The boy I like is driving me crazy… He is around me all the time, looks at me during class, and walked behind me almost everyday to my sixth period but he won’t talk to me… He won’t open his mouth… maybe it’s my own ego that making this happen but his blog entries seem to hint that he likes me… I wish he’d make a move, because I’ve already made a move, now it’s his turn… I want to say that I’m not going to waste my time waiting for him, but I would. He’s everything I want in a guy. We’re so perfect that it’s ridiculous. He is the first guy I’ve ever liked that I am attracted to him mostly because of his mind. He’s such a fascinating person with his ability to keep this cool exterior while hiding this starving poet genius within. I’m not sure that I love him because I have only once thought I was in love and it didn’t feel anything like this, it’s not stronger or weaker, just different.

My stress rashes are worse, mainly because I won’t leave them alone. It has spread to both hands and is not creeping up onto my neck and face… I try to stop but it’s almost subconscious when I pick at it. The rash bleeds when I mess with it, so I’ve been bleeding a lot lately and have had to put my hair in front of my face and make a dash out of class and into the restroom to wipe the blood off my face… I never thought the rashes were completely linked to my stress before but now I’m sure they are…

On a lighter not, I’ve been making some changes lately. My wardrobe, makeup, hair color, and other things have been evolving to be more mature. I’m getting away from the whole t-shirt/skinny jeans look and am trying to expand my style. My makeup is simple and natural now, no more bright colors, I dyed my hair black, and no, it’s not because I’m going Goth, because I’m not, the black was in fact my fathers suggestion. I’ve been trying to change how I act with my friends but I’m not sure that it’s going as planned because they aren’t reacting as I had hoped. I’m trying so hard to be a better person but I feel like I’m going to lose the identity I’ve thus far created in my life, but then again, what if this change is going to be my true identity and the old one was just a phase? I won’t lose myself in the change but if I do lose part of myself I hope that it’s the part I hate that is subconsciously trying to sabotage my life…

Okay I’m sick of typing.

"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs."

Adios.

-Sabrina

is the end really near?

Sorry for taking a long absense from posting. it's been a very taxing time for me, both mentally and physically. hmmm i guess i'll talk about the bad things first... so there was this kid i went to elementary school with and we were extremely good friends but contact was dropped when i switched schools in sixth grade, and for the past couple of months i've been hanging out with elementary school friends and that boy dropped by during when i was with my friends. He was a short skinny kid in elementary school, but now he's tall and built and does football and basketball. So me and him were so close again so quickly and he ended confessing that he had a crush on me throughout elementary school and he also said that he thought of me frequently after i had switched schools. We started dating and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend which i completly agreed to. i'm not gonna pretend that TBIL wasn't a motivating factor in my eagerness to get a boyfriend... but anyways, we were getting along fine until the truth came out. the boy that claimed to share my same straightedge views was not only a druggie but a fucking dealer. then he had the nerve to get angry at me when i told him that i won't be in a relationship with anyone who abuses drugs. he called me a lot of horrible names because i 'was such a stuck up moral preaching bitch.' it'd be a normals persons presumption that i hate him, but i don't. i don't love him, but i remember what a deep bond we share so i want to help him stop using. to be clear, i will not go out with him now or ever but i will always be his friend and friends help friends fight their personal demons. everyone keeps telling me that i'm too young to be taking on his problems but i refuse to accept that and just give up on him, even though he doesn't know it he needs my help. the stress rash thingys on my hands are getting worse because i keep picking at it and now it's spread to my neck and face. my parents are trying to hide it but i know the rashes scare them and are making them worry about me more then usual. i just got to experience the joyful stress that comes with filling out college applications for the first time. after a long fought battle, i was allowed to apply to tge school i actually do want to attend,cal state monterey but as part of a compromise with my mother i can only go to monterey if i get rejected from both humboldt and cal poly pomona. i applied to five schools in all. i have more bad news but i'm just gonna skip it and move to the good news. my sister got to come home from college over thanksgiving break so it was nice to see her and hang out like old times. i text her like everyday but it was cool to have her back home. i took her friday night to a game of broomball my church was hosting, it was a lot of fun except my best friend brought her neighbor who is so annoying but my otger friend's older brother was there and his sheer amount of awkwardness brings me smiles. oh i've recently made a new friend in my math class and i guess it really is true that nothing brings people together quite like a common enemy. we both sgare a disgust for this obnoxious kid who thinks he is gods gift to mankind. mynew friend is totally awesome and loves kat von d even more then i do. she was kat for halloween and even drew on most of the tattoos kat has. she's an amazingly gifted artist and i love to look at her artwork. okay i'm super tired but i'll try to post tomorrow night but i gotta add some things before i end this post.
first,my friend and i took a spurr of the moment trip to las vegas thedat before halloween and since we left at nine at night we didn't get to vegas until two am on halloween. i'd never been to vegas before, it was amazing. i'll go more in detail about that in another post later on. can't think anymore... good night...