The main issue of yesterday revolved around the life lesson I received from my sixth period government. To put it simply, the lesson was that idiots with charisma are always going to beat quiet people of intelligence and actual substance. I learned this because of a faux-presidential election that had the classroom divided into several groups that created their own political party, nominated a candidate from within the assigned groups, and present a power point presentation to basically sell your candidate to the class. I didn’t really know my group members terribly well, one is a very quiet shy girl, a funny and nice smart girl, and this emo kid who has the worlds tightest pants… so being the overachiever I am when it comes to big projects, I wanted to make this a huge thing with posters and give-away-items and a funny video, but that wasn’t what they had in mind. They wanted to just dgaf the whole thing… I was kind of bummed but went along with it for a while until I couldn’t hold back and let my overachiever side come out. I made a bag, bought candy, made a political song by changing the lyrics of Hey Jude to fit the whole campaign, and made a short video commercial advertisement… I worked with the girls on our political party’s platform and came up with very intelligent ideas, that would work pretty well if it were actually to be used in the actual government. Then the day to present the candidates was yesterday and the day before. I’ve come to expect from high schoolers a certain lack of the ‘boom’ factor, so I was confident in our party’s success, but I was proven wrong. There was definite pizzazz in the campaigns. Then I started to realize something the class seemed to be blind to, the campaigns we’re poorly thought out and would have had many flaws if it were to be used… One candidate had his party all wear suits, the other told bad jokes, another wore suits and sunglasses because they were “serious”, another used the candidates ‘cutesy’ factor shamelessly, and another used crude humor, and the last was just overall confusing and stupid. My group was the only one not putting up some façade to blind the people… but the ‘fat funny kid’ won. The ‘fat funny kid’ always wins. Was I the only person to see that there is no way to both cut taxes and increase government funding for government sponsored programs & services? I wouldn’t have been so wound up if it weren’t for the fact that his closing selling point in the thirty seconds each candidate had to emphasize their ability to take office, was to rudely and harshly slam his opponents one by one. I wanted to claw his face off. How dare he slam my group that used its brain rather then a fucking platypus shirt and brazen slander to appeal to the audience. But I don’t blame him alone; I believe the class shares in the blame for having voted for the ignorant ass. Don’t think me petty enough to be this angry just because my group lost, because I never forgot that It’s just for my government class, I’m angry because it’s not just my sixth period that has fallen for the charisma of an oaf, it’s happened all over the world. How can people be so stupid as to let a little razzle dazzle distract them from the truth? I have never had much faith in my generation but what hope was left has been undeniably crushed. I’m so sorry that my generation will be the last because it’s stupidity will lead to the eventual ending of mankind. So to answer the question from my previous post, yes, the end is near… and it’s my generation’s fault.
I guess I will now tell about the recent mishaps of my love life…I got a great boyfriend who was into all the same things as me and had all the same views on society as I do… things were just fantastic and happy… then it all came apart. The boy that claimed to be ‘straight-edge’ and just as ‘anti-drug’ as I am, turned out to be not only a user but a dealer as well. He then had the audacity to be angry with me for not being ‘cool with it’ and for not ‘understanding his situation.’ He called me many un-kind names and kept repeating that I have a god-complex and think I’m better then everyone else and then informed me that I’m not a moral person, I’m in fact a preach bitch with a stick up her ass. Needless to say, that relationship ended. I want to be his friend and help him stop the bad things he is doing but he isn’t going to turn to me or listen to me… and everyone around me is telling me I’m too young to help him and that I shouldn’t take his problems onto my shoulders, but that’s just bullshit because I think the existence of humanity has something to do with helping one another and sharing burdens. Age is not an excuse to give up on someone in need… I won’t give up on him, I may not be in love with him but I do have a love for him like a sibling or parent, and I want what is best for him, so I’m going to continue putting up with the crap because I’m not going to let him sink. I don’t know if a depression attack is anything like feeling like you’re at rock bottom due to drugs but if it is, I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel that pain, because it’s horrible. I have nightmares about the pain… It’s a dark that doesn’t leave, and whisper that won’t silence, a cut that keeps bleeding, a storm that won’t clear until one comes to the two final choices, suicide or rising above. There is no real way to describe that world shattering feeling and I don’t want to describe it perfectly even if I could because it’s not something to be explained. He may have faults but he doesn’t deserve to ever have to consider suicide as a solution to his problems.
College applications have been the only thing my parents have been concerned with for the past two weeks. I had applied to two schools I didn’t really care for almost the day after applications were allowed to be filled out, but the schools that I actually want to attend were sent in the day before the deadline because they were last minute suggestions that turned out to be just what I wanted. After much negotiation, I was allowed to apply to
The boy I like is driving me crazy… He is around me all the time, looks at me during class, and walked behind me almost everyday to my sixth period but he won’t talk to me… He won’t open his mouth… maybe it’s my own ego that making this happen but his blog entries seem to hint that he likes me… I wish he’d make a move, because I’ve already made a move, now it’s his turn… I want to say that I’m not going to waste my time waiting for him, but I would. He’s everything I want in a guy. We’re so perfect that it’s ridiculous. He is the first guy I’ve ever liked that I am attracted to him mostly because of his mind. He’s such a fascinating person with his ability to keep this cool exterior while hiding this starving poet genius within. I’m not sure that I love him because I have only once thought I was in love and it didn’t feel anything like this, it’s not stronger or weaker, just different.
My stress rashes are worse, mainly because I won’t leave them alone. It has spread to both hands and is not creeping up onto my neck and face… I try to stop but it’s almost subconscious when I pick at it. The rash bleeds when I mess with it, so I’ve been bleeding a lot lately and have had to put my hair in front of my face and make a dash out of class and into the restroom to wipe the blood off my face… I never thought the rashes were completely linked to my stress before but now I’m sure they are…
On a lighter not, I’ve been making some changes lately. My wardrobe, makeup, hair color, and other things have been evolving to be more mature. I’m getting away from the whole t-shirt/skinny jeans look and am trying to expand my style. My makeup is simple and natural now, no more bright colors, I dyed my hair black, and no, it’s not because I’m going Goth, because I’m not, the black was in fact my fathers suggestion. I’ve been trying to change how I act with my friends but I’m not sure that it’s going as planned because they aren’t reacting as I had hoped. I’m trying so hard to be a better person but I feel like I’m going to lose the identity I’ve thus far created in my life, but then again, what if this change is going to be my true identity and the old one was just a phase? I won’t lose myself in the change but if I do lose part of myself I hope that it’s the part I hate that is subconsciously trying to sabotage my life…
Okay I’m sick of typing.
"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs."
Adios.
-Sabrina
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