pathetic

I had forgotten what joyous rites come with being ‘his’ girl. The near constant jealousy, the need to always be in contact, the way he has to know where I am every second and the best part is that he never tells me where he is or what he’s doing. This really shouldn’t be a one way street but it is… It’s getting really pathetic with the way that he’s trying to get me to opt out of attending church camp because it’s the first time he’ll be able to come see me since we’ve started this part of the vicious cycle yet again. I feel bad but I gave him a phony address of this kid that I don’t know. I can’t be too careful because I can never let myself forget that I’m dealing with a crazy person who is capable of doing stupid things such as trying to kidnap me and take me to south America or something like that. Yesterday was the first time contact with the others began, aside from my closest friend that I never dropped contact with. I had forgotten how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how much fun they are. For better or for worse, they are my second family and I guess families are supposed to stick together, no matter how mismatched and fucked up the family truly is. Hmmm…. ‘truly’…. That’s an interesting thought. Everything that happens with us now revolves around truth because he realized how badly a lie can affect everything and everyone. Another place where I find humor in the flexibility of truth is in the others of my ‘other’ family. We all delude ourselves into a false truth that this is meant to be and that in the end everything is going to work out for us and that this isn’t fucked up. In the end we’re all just lying to ourselves. Things aren’t going to work for us, but I guess the only thing one can do in a hopeless situation is take refuge in pure fools hope. I used to think I was the undeserving little loser, but the tables have turned and he is the one that doesn’t deserve of me. I’ve learned that I have the power to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and continue my life and that’s something that I’m proud of. He’s the one with the dependency issues, the morality issues, and he love issues. I deserve better and I know I can do better, so I’m not scared anymore, the future doesn’t frighten me. He’s the one that should be a little worried. I can’t pretend that I don’t love that idiot, but I know that my heart is strong enough to stand being broken, but I can’t really say the same for his. If he steps out of line again, or tries to use me again, it’s going to backfire on him because I possess the willpower now to just walk away. The love I have for him isn’t a leash, it’s something that makes me see past his many little faults but I know it won’t see past the huge ones when they surface. Although this is starting to sound awfully pessimistic, I’ll make the fact clear that I don’t actually want fault to surface, if I could have it my way, we’d get married as soon as I finish up my GED, get a nice house near where I’m gong to continue my college education and live happy lives. But let’s face it- I need to be a realist as well as a dreamer. As I learned the hard way once before- good things don’t last.

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."

paalam
- Sabrina

you spin me round, right round

I’ve never been one to enjoy confrontations but I seem to be this human argument magnet… If you read the last post, you understand my current life question. I asked him. It didn’t go as well as expected… He went ballistic and said some pointless shit about my love not being true if I could doubt his love. It was really pathetic. It was my original plan to just spill everything I had been holding back but his stupidity just completely changed my plans for me. I told him every last detail about everything and didn’t edit anything for the sake of his feelings. I was practically sobbing by the time I finished. For the first time in possibly forever, he was speechless. It was silent for ten minutes aside from the occasional: “are you still there?” “yep.” He was the first to speak, “how can I fix it?” That was not what I was expecting to hear from him at all. What I was expecting were the usual lies, excuses, and topic changers. Did he really just offer to fix things? It is soooo not in character for him to ever take responsibility for anything ever. I was now the speechless one but as I got over the shock I was silent in thought. Could he really fix what he’s done? The answer is yes. I took in a breath and said, “no.” I worked my ass off through depression, though the bullshit, thought everything by myself. Why should I let him come and take all the credit away from the work that I’ve done. I know that it could possibly change some of how people around me feel for the better but I don’t care because this is just who I am, who I have created myself, for better or for worse. I don’t think he was expecting a no, so he asked again to clarify. And again I rejected his offer. He demanded an explanation so I gave it to him. Again, oddly out of character, he listened quietly and in the end he understood and accepted it. He laughed when I asked where was the real him because this fake him is really starting to freak me out. Then for he first time in the entire conversation he did something very in character, he said that maybe we really aren’t meant to be and that we need to “end the charade.” I laughed to myself because that’s what he says every time before I wake up the next morning and find a billion text messages on my cell begging to give him another chance. Not to belittle the heart-felt speech he was giving, I agreed and we said our goodbyes and a few cordial sentiments and I proceeded to hang up the phone. I crept out of the living room, cursing at the creaky hallway door and crawled back to bed and drifted into an odd dreamless sleep. I awoke, rolled over and looked at my cell phone. No new text messages. This is the really sick part, I wasn’t relieved, I was disappointed. For how much I need him out of my life, I can’t deal with things without him there making things worse… My disappointment didn’t last long. About an hour after we broke up, I got a text message reading, “words will never end our love.” Cliché bastard. I love him. We’re stick together on an endless cycle that I never ever want to end.

“You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
--Sri Chinmoy

Doviđenja

- Sabrina

endless cycle

This is how it starts. Every time. A simple phone call.
The only answer the question of why is also simple. I’m weak. I’m so weak.
He had told me the ‘L’ word before but it was never like directly to me or it was something he’d just text me but he said it… he said it right to me and that’s when I lost all the courage I had built up to finally kick him out of my life. That damn snake wormed his way back in. I should never have picked up the phone. I never should have agreed to let him “tell his side” and I really never ever ever ever ever should have let him say those three awful words. But maybe it’s my fault for letting things go down the way they did. I still sometimes wonder why I took the fall for him, why I took the blame, why I saved him, and then I remember why… because I love him. But the newer question on my mind is whether or not he loves me or just feels guilty for letting me take the hit for him. Was the whole ordeal I suffered worth having saved him? Was losing everything I had really worth giving him everything he needed? The real kicker in the whole situation is that he has never once apologized for it. I have to lie to everyone just to distract from what was really going on and he just dumps me out on the street like last weeks trash without even caring what he did to my life… I know it would have been horrible but if things had gone on much longer without having my life finally get back in order, I would have done it, I would have gone to the police and the news stations and I would have let him pay for it all. Well… I don’t know if I actually would have done it but then again I think I’m starting to forget how dark things really were for me. He used me and I don’t trust him in refraining from using me again. It’d be a lie to say that I don’t get this stupid gut feeling from being part of his life that seems to make every other part of my life seem so tiny and insignificant.

Two hours. We talked for two hours. And by ‘we’ I mean him. He talked the whole time apart from the random ‘uh huh’ ‘oh wow’ and ‘oh my gosh’ that I was allowed to interject from time to time. I had forgotten how everything revolves around him. My life is dull and not worth talking about apparently, not that I disagree but it’s not very kind of him to assert the fact in my face. He wants me to run away with him. Does he not remember what happened last time I tried? I hate that even though I hate every fiber of his being with every fiber of mine; I love him and will never be able to rid myself of him. This is the kind of love that I’m never going to forget but he’ll forget in a few months. The sickest thing is that if he came to my door right now and asked me if I wanted to just leave and marry him and be with him, I wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to stick my ground and finally get him to explain everything to me and tell me his motives and his feelings and I hope to god that at some point I will finally see if it was worth it or not.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Thanks for listening to me babble....

adéu
- Sabrina