pathetic

I had forgotten what joyous rites come with being ‘his’ girl. The near constant jealousy, the need to always be in contact, the way he has to know where I am every second and the best part is that he never tells me where he is or what he’s doing. This really shouldn’t be a one way street but it is… It’s getting really pathetic with the way that he’s trying to get me to opt out of attending church camp because it’s the first time he’ll be able to come see me since we’ve started this part of the vicious cycle yet again. I feel bad but I gave him a phony address of this kid that I don’t know. I can’t be too careful because I can never let myself forget that I’m dealing with a crazy person who is capable of doing stupid things such as trying to kidnap me and take me to south America or something like that. Yesterday was the first time contact with the others began, aside from my closest friend that I never dropped contact with. I had forgotten how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how much fun they are. For better or for worse, they are my second family and I guess families are supposed to stick together, no matter how mismatched and fucked up the family truly is. Hmmm…. ‘truly’…. That’s an interesting thought. Everything that happens with us now revolves around truth because he realized how badly a lie can affect everything and everyone. Another place where I find humor in the flexibility of truth is in the others of my ‘other’ family. We all delude ourselves into a false truth that this is meant to be and that in the end everything is going to work out for us and that this isn’t fucked up. In the end we’re all just lying to ourselves. Things aren’t going to work for us, but I guess the only thing one can do in a hopeless situation is take refuge in pure fools hope. I used to think I was the undeserving little loser, but the tables have turned and he is the one that doesn’t deserve of me. I’ve learned that I have the power to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and continue my life and that’s something that I’m proud of. He’s the one with the dependency issues, the morality issues, and he love issues. I deserve better and I know I can do better, so I’m not scared anymore, the future doesn’t frighten me. He’s the one that should be a little worried. I can’t pretend that I don’t love that idiot, but I know that my heart is strong enough to stand being broken, but I can’t really say the same for his. If he steps out of line again, or tries to use me again, it’s going to backfire on him because I possess the willpower now to just walk away. The love I have for him isn’t a leash, it’s something that makes me see past his many little faults but I know it won’t see past the huge ones when they surface. Although this is starting to sound awfully pessimistic, I’ll make the fact clear that I don’t actually want fault to surface, if I could have it my way, we’d get married as soon as I finish up my GED, get a nice house near where I’m gong to continue my college education and live happy lives. But let’s face it- I need to be a realist as well as a dreamer. As I learned the hard way once before- good things don’t last.

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."

paalam
- Sabrina