The only answer the question of why is also simple. I’m weak. I’m so weak.
He had told me the ‘L’ word before but it was never like directly to me or it was something he’d just text me but he said it… he said it right to me and that’s when I lost all the courage I had built up to finally kick him out of my life. That damn snake wormed his way back in. I should never have picked up the phone. I never should have agreed to let him “tell his side” and I really never ever ever ever ever should have let him say those three awful words. But maybe it’s my fault for letting things go down the way they did. I still sometimes wonder why I took the fall for him, why I took the blame, why I saved him, and then I remember why… because I love him. But the newer question on my mind is whether or not he loves me or just feels guilty for letting me take the hit for him. Was the whole ordeal I suffered worth having saved him? Was losing everything I had really worth giving him everything he needed? The real kicker in the whole situation is that he has never once apologized for it. I have to lie to everyone just to distract from what was really going on and he just dumps me out on the street like last weeks trash without even caring what he did to my life… I know it would have been horrible but if things had gone on much longer without having my life finally get back in order, I would have done it, I would have gone to the police and the news stations and I would have let him pay for it all. Well… I don’t know if I actually would have done it but then again I think I’m starting to forget how dark things really were for me. He used me and I don’t trust him in refraining from using me again. It’d be a lie to say that I don’t get this stupid gut feeling from being part of his life that seems to make every other part of my life seem so tiny and insignificant.
Two hours. We talked for two hours. And by ‘we’ I mean him. He talked the whole time apart from the random ‘uh huh’ ‘oh wow’ and ‘oh my gosh’ that I was allowed to interject from time to time. I had forgotten how everything revolves around him. My life is dull and not worth talking about apparently, not that I disagree but it’s not very kind of him to assert the fact in my face. He wants me to run away with him. Does he not remember what happened last time I tried? I hate that even though I hate every fiber of his being with every fiber of mine; I love him and will never be able to rid myself of him. This is the kind of love that I’m never going to forget but he’ll forget in a few months. The sickest thing is that if he came to my door right now and asked me if I wanted to just leave and marry him and be with him, I wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to stick my ground and finally get him to explain everything to me and tell me his motives and his feelings and I hope to god that at some point I will finally see if it was worth it or not.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Thanks for listening to me babble....
- Sabrina
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