you spin me round, right round

I’ve never been one to enjoy confrontations but I seem to be this human argument magnet… If you read the last post, you understand my current life question. I asked him. It didn’t go as well as expected… He went ballistic and said some pointless shit about my love not being true if I could doubt his love. It was really pathetic. It was my original plan to just spill everything I had been holding back but his stupidity just completely changed my plans for me. I told him every last detail about everything and didn’t edit anything for the sake of his feelings. I was practically sobbing by the time I finished. For the first time in possibly forever, he was speechless. It was silent for ten minutes aside from the occasional: “are you still there?” “yep.” He was the first to speak, “how can I fix it?” That was not what I was expecting to hear from him at all. What I was expecting were the usual lies, excuses, and topic changers. Did he really just offer to fix things? It is soooo not in character for him to ever take responsibility for anything ever. I was now the speechless one but as I got over the shock I was silent in thought. Could he really fix what he’s done? The answer is yes. I took in a breath and said, “no.” I worked my ass off through depression, though the bullshit, thought everything by myself. Why should I let him come and take all the credit away from the work that I’ve done. I know that it could possibly change some of how people around me feel for the better but I don’t care because this is just who I am, who I have created myself, for better or for worse. I don’t think he was expecting a no, so he asked again to clarify. And again I rejected his offer. He demanded an explanation so I gave it to him. Again, oddly out of character, he listened quietly and in the end he understood and accepted it. He laughed when I asked where was the real him because this fake him is really starting to freak me out. Then for he first time in the entire conversation he did something very in character, he said that maybe we really aren’t meant to be and that we need to “end the charade.” I laughed to myself because that’s what he says every time before I wake up the next morning and find a billion text messages on my cell begging to give him another chance. Not to belittle the heart-felt speech he was giving, I agreed and we said our goodbyes and a few cordial sentiments and I proceeded to hang up the phone. I crept out of the living room, cursing at the creaky hallway door and crawled back to bed and drifted into an odd dreamless sleep. I awoke, rolled over and looked at my cell phone. No new text messages. This is the really sick part, I wasn’t relieved, I was disappointed. For how much I need him out of my life, I can’t deal with things without him there making things worse… My disappointment didn’t last long. About an hour after we broke up, I got a text message reading, “words will never end our love.” Cliché bastard. I love him. We’re stick together on an endless cycle that I never ever want to end.

“You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
--Sri Chinmoy

Doviđenja

- Sabrina