echo

I was laughing when I discovered that my now empty computer room has an echo now, but then I stopped. The symbolism is killing me… This house is becoming so reflective of me. It was so full and now it’s empty and the old is being throw away and new things are being bought, and we’re starting over in a new place with new walls, with new doors, with new everything. I was really miserable, then I was in denial, then I was angry, and now… now I’m numb to the whole moving thing. Someone very close to me gave me the best advice I’ve received all year and that was, “the great memories you had at your house, well, it wasn’t the house that made the memories, it was the people and as long as you still have the memories then you still have the home in your heart.” Maybe whoever came up with that ‘home is where the heart is’ line wasn’t as cheesy as I had previously thought. Now that I’m aware of how soon we’re moving, I’ve realized something very important- I haven’t packed anything, aside from the posters on the wall and some of my various journals and notebooks. The procrastinator in me is at full power. On Friday night around midnight and I’m sure even until the moving trucks come, I’m still going to be throwing all my shit into boxes. A big reason I hate moving- I always forget what boxes have what stuff in them, so knowing how much of a bitch life really is, as soon as all my boxes are taped up and in the truck, I’m going to need something and I will have absolutely no idea where it is. That is going to suck.

Oh I almost forgot- I hope everyone had an enjoyable Easter. I had a good one. I somehow stretched out getting ready for like five hours and then I went to church. My dad thought it would be funny to go to the mass that was entirely en espanol… yeah… I was so confused. I may be in Spanish 4 but I seriously know around maybe 50 to like 60 words and that really isn’t enough to have a very in depth conversation with anyone. I’m actually pretty good at understanding people but responding is where I get a little messed up.

Today was the the first day of school after returning from spring break, so naturally everyone was really out of it and only wanted to go back home and have a longer break. I was pretty lucky since I was able to avoid receiving any spring break homework in any of my classes but since I was so lucky during break, I already received a ton of homework for tonight. Oh what I would do to just have it be summer break already…

My spring break was… boring. I moped around a lot and allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for a few days, and on Friday I went with my cousin and my grandpa and saw the Hannah Montana movie which I personally thought was pretty good. The main guy looks a lot cuter in the movie then he does in the poster I have of him… On Saturday, I went with Sarah and Angie (and my parents L ) to see my sister perform her drumline show at the SCPA final in Temecula. It was a pretty long car ride but me and Sarah were talking or listening to music the whole time there and me and Angie were writing notes back and forth the entire way back. On Sunday, I got up, took five hours to get ready, went to mass en espanol, and then went to my Grandparents house for an Easter party. We had steak, but honestly meat makes me feel sick. (I’ll leave me meat consumption rant for another time) Then we had an egg hunt. I’ve never claimed to be a good egg hunter, so needless to say- I lost… even to my sixth grade cousin… I had this sudden wave of depression come on closer to the end of the party so I retreated to my bedroom (for clarification: yes, I have two bedrooms, one at my house and one at my grandparents house) and cried on my bed for a while until they finally noticed my absence from their happy little group and sent my cousin to find me. I lied to her about having a headache so that she wouldn’t start to question why I was crying. They left me alone for a while but eventually my grandma came and gave me another talk about trying to be happy. I love my grandma to death, I really do, but they just don’t understand that when I’m in my depression moods, I am incapable of just pulling myself out of them, because it’s an involuntary thing. I don’t control the moods, they control me. Upon returning home, I laid on my bed, still wearing my dress and leggings and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about how things could be worse. My parents came into my room to ask me to start packing but they suddenly become all… weird and fake… with these really creepy smiles because I guess they figured what type of mood I was in. I hate when they do that because it just makes me feel like I’m a mental case. Yes, I acknowledge that I have mental issues but they need to really learn how to deal with me… oh god. I’m making myself out to sound like I’m talking about some sort of weird skin disease or something that people just need to “deal with.”

I was just not in the mood for dealing with people at school today so I was extra quiet in all my classes today. I can list the only people I spoke to today: Nikki, Heidi, Sarah, Angie, and Amelia. Today was more of a written words day. Sometimes I just can not put my thoughts into actual words that come out of my mouth because I doubt their importance but whenever I take the time to write things out, their importance always seems to rise up immensely. I’ve really been itching to write a short story or a new poem lately but every time I get a chance, something comes up.

I’ve decided that there are something’s that I do not want to go into detail about but I want to write them down, so I’m going to keep it simple and bullet point the main ideas:

- I have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend (again…)

- My self-hate has been flaring up again lately

- I’m so confused by how TBIL has been acting

- It still hurts me when I see him and his little arm candy (but it hurts less then before…)

- I miss my cyber stalker… (I can’t help that I liked the attention…)

- I’ve come up with a new way to lose weight (I’m only allowing myself to eat breakfast and lunch. No dinner or snacks.)

Okay, I think that wraps up what has been on my mind lately. Thanks for sticking around and actually reading all my ramblings…

Pete Wentz is my hero.

He doesn't know me but

he understands me better

then my own family ever

has or ever will...

I need to go and finish my homework...

p.s.

My total favorite band of the month!!

My fave song is 'Black Cat'

sorry... I'm like picture obsessed today...