I deserved a break and finally, I got one. I went to my aunt and uncles house and did things that normal teenage girls should be doing- gossiping, watching TMZ, talking about boys, going shopping, and getting Jamba Juice. For the first time in forever, I felt like me. I was laughing, I was cracking jokes, I was happy. Of course there were times (mostly during lunch) when we started talking about the more painful subjects but my aunt never pressured me into talking, she left it all open for me. I said what I wanted to, and I admit that I edited my words with her but I didn’t want to hurt her with what I’m really feeling and thinking. Its just so calming to be around my aunt and talk because she has six very important advantages that others lack:

1) She understands because she has had a little bit of depression.

2) She has no ulterior motive to listening to me spill my guts.

3) She has the best anecdotes that always make me feel better.

4) She never judges me

5) She never gets upset with me when i slip up

6) She never throws my mistakes back in my face

So it was nice spending the day with her and getting to just be me without having to really worry about saying certain things or doing certain things. We have very similar tastes and she has always been almost a mother figure for me. I ended up taking her to see my new apartment. I told her straight out what I thought about it without feeling the guilt I would have had if I told me dad. I cried so many times today but she always was patient and knew when to stay quiet and when to say something to cheer me up. She has the best advice that I always use.

I’ve been having the hardest time lately because of my depression, a.d.d., weak immune system (so near-constant colds), and moving so this mini vacation was something I needed and I’m truly grateful I got it.

I think I really need to add something about what happened last night… I was having an okay day but last night when I was talking to some people over aim and Facebook chat, I got some horrible news that I wish I could share but I cant, and I felt like I was at the beach and I was too far out and this gigantic wave took over me, except I wasn’t at the beach. I was at home and that wave was a new surge of depression. I did a very unacceptable action, again, and I chugged cold medicine and collapsed onto my bed. Part of me wants to say I regret it, but I don’t. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I want to say that I won’t ever do it again, but I know I will. I want to say that I was miserable, but I wasn’t- it was the first time in two months that I got an entire night of sleep (the whole night of sleep that I got two months ago was also from cold medicine consumption…). It’s the best kind of sleep- the dreamless kind. I’m getting so fucking sick of those horrible dreams, but the worst thing is that the dreams themselves aren’t horrible at all. The dreams are perfect, my life is perfect, I have all my friends, I have all my family, and I’m completely happy and then I have to wake up and remember that it was just a dream and that everything is not perfect but is infact a gigantic mess.

I think my current “escapes” are becoming less effective… Listening to music no longer helps my soul, taking a long shower no longer relaxes my muscles, playing my guitar no longer distracts my brain completely leaving a bit of it to wander into the dark and unwanted territory of bad thoughts and memories. It’s kind of like gateway drugs, isn’t it? These “escapes” are like the drugs that I have become accustomed to so they no longer have their full affect so need a stronger ‘drug.’ What about baking? I heard that helps. No… I’m too lazy for that. Real drugs? No… I’m too poor for that. A boyfriend? Oh I would feel so horrible for any boy that got mixed into my issues right now. I’m running out of ideas. Maybe I could actually focus on school? Yeah right! I guess for now I’ll just stick to moping and crying when I’m alone and keep practicing that fake smile, because obviously, it’s becoming more and more convincing. I’m going to go and figure out how much a funeral costs as another way to keep myself from going over the edge, but honestly, suicide is becoming a more appealing escape everyday.

-bye