the bigger picture

I finally finished Fast Food nation so really I should be starting to work on the whole project that goes along with it but I've decided to become distracted by writing a blog entry for a little while. I'll give you an update of what has been happening since my last blog entry- I've sprained my ankle, I’m pulled my thy muscle. Oh and not to mention I had my heart broken... again. Maybe I should explain some things. I was descending the stairs after being woken up Thursday morning and I slipped on the second step and fell incorrectly on my ankle and sprained it. It hurt so badly that I refused to stand up for at least a good ten minutes. Regardless of my newly crippled state, I still had to go to school. First period that day I attended a talk in the lecture hall about this program called Rachel’s Challenge, which was created in the memory of Rachel Joyce Scott- the first girl to be killed in the Columbine high school shooting. It was very touching and the speaker was a girl that had lived a few towns over and is the same age as Rachel and joined the Rachel's Challenge Team. The speaker talked about others that have become Rachel's Challenge speakers and named some unexpected people like the World’s strongest man and Chuck Norris. I wonder if I would be able to keep focused on the main topic of the speech if Chuck Norris was the one talking? Probably not... Well after that I went to second period and took an incredibly hard test on rhetorical terms which I quite clearly failed. The rest of the day is rather hazy, nothing exciting enough happened to talk about. On Friday, I guess since I had been walking funny the entire day on Thursday because of my ankle, I pulled my right thy muscle. I now officially feel like an old person, because I constantly hurt every muscle and bone in my body, geesh! (Side Note: I'm listening to my Pandora.com station and the Fall Out Version of the Nightmare Before Christmas song "What's This?" is playing and I absolutely love this song.) I had forgotten to do my US history homework the previous night so I received a harsh lecture from Mr. C, but I was too tired to be really paying attention to anything he said. I read Fast Food Nation all of second period and then it was during passing period before third period that my heart broke. I saw him, but not only did I see him but I saw him holding hands with this girl... this tiny little stick of a girl. But I guess it's my fault for believing that he liked me again and having him breaking my heart again. I was stuck in a state of numbness. (for clarification- the him i am referring to isn't the one I talked about in the previous post, this is a guy that I had a thing, well more correctly labeled as an almost thing, with during the beginning of first semester.) But then he made a bad decision and decided that he would go ahead and have sex with the slut, Lauren, during the trip to San Francisco, and I was miserable, and then we were starting to get over that little incident and we're flirting and talking and texting again and BAM out of nowhere he is standing there holding some new little slut's hand. I couldn’t form complete sentences for a good ten minutes, and i didn't even attempt to open my locker, because I knew I would never be able to think of my lock combination at a time like that. I slowly made my way to Spanish; my friend was literally leading me by the hand because I was too deep in thought and despair to know where I was going. I stood outside of Spanish class on the brink of tears, trying to convey my shock to my other friend when she whispers that the boy that I currently have interest in, overheard us. I suddenly dropped to an even lower level of miserable, now he had seen me being a mopey pathetic loser. I briefly contemplated throwing myself off the foreign language building's roof. All I could say for a while after that was, "oh gosh." The rest of that school day was a complete blur. My dad dropped my off at my grandmother's house so I could attend my aunt's birthday party, and after giving my family a brief “hello,” I went into my room and locked the door, and cried for a good half hour and then fixed my make-up, put on a smile and walked into the living room. My grandma instantly knew something was wrong (she is just amazing like that) and made me forget all my problems by giving me a big heaping pile of sopa, beans, and a 'Mexican sandwich' which truly made my heart heal a little.
So this morning I woke up and just sat in my bed for an hour just thinking, and re-thinking everything. I've re-established the conclusion that I came to about a month ago, I really dislike everything about myself and regret almost the entire life I’ve thus far led.I had a very long discussion with my mother this morning about my schedule for this upcoming senior year, and I’ve decided that I’m going to be taking anatomy as my elective. That should prove to be... interesting. Then I had a talk with my mother about how unfair the corporate world is to the common people and I commented on how I wondered if the men and women who lead these unjust conglomerations have a conscious, because I know from experience that when I do something bad I have to put up with my conscious screaming at me day and night until I atone for my actions. These people have committed some serious offenses, they are killing people, they are feeding them the unhealthiest of meats filled with the most lethal of diseases and they are making their food so disgustingly fattening that it is killing people or taking many many many years from a persons life because of their obesity. Can people just ignore their conscious? My mom said that I shouldn't let my conscious torture me, but rather to let it guide me and that's just what my shrink had been saying. I used to get more depressed when I saw how everything would always end up being about my personal problems, but now I just laugh. Me and the world, we've got a lot in common. We both need to get over ourselves and start helping others.

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

-- John Lennon (1940-1980)

- au revoir

p.s.- I recommend that everyone check out the Rachel's Challenge website and at least see what all the hubbub is about. You can also watch the youtube video.